About to be hit by a train? The NY Post will print it!

Last week, there was a picture on the cover of the New York Post that showed a man who was about to be hit by a subway train. Actual picture, actual event. There are many things about this that are insane. 

For one, how can you take a picture of a man who's ABOUT to die? A person who is in danger and could be helped – and your first thought is not to take a step toward to help this man, but to focus your camera so you can get his expression?

"Help! Someone help me off the tracks!"

"Hey, this is just like the TV! But there are no cameras here. Wait! Except this one around my neck! Don't worry, NBC, I'll be your eyes and ears on this one."

"Help! Help me!"

"I am helping, sir! I am taking your picture so that everyone gets to see this horrible event. You'll be in the paper! Say cheese! …Guttural screaming, huh? That's a weird way to say 'cheese'."

Why would someone take a picture of this, you ask? The man who took the picture said he started taking pictures so that the flash on his camera would alert the driver. I think that needs to be written again to really understand its outlandishness. He took the picture... so that the flash... would alert the driver. Are we serious? Can this be said at all? What other ludicrous ways does this man try to alert people?

"Hey, man! I tried to warn you about that bike that was about to hit you. You didn't see me? I was across the street and I made an origami swan and threw it at you. Man, first you run the light and then you don't see the swan? You're not good at reading signals, huh?"

He took pictures so the flash would alert the driver?! There's no end to what a lie that is to protect himself against people who call him a monster. That reasoning is as insane as when a kid tries to make up a story of how a chair was broken.

"Well, you see, we were standing on the chair to do our homework."

"Really? In the kitchen? Beside the cookies?"

"Yeah! We weren't going to eat them; the cookies just help us focus. So we were standing on the chair, and I said, "I love my mom so much! She's so great!" and I guess the weight of those words, combined with our own weight, broke the chair."

The picture taker was on The Today Show the following day, and was asked why he didn't help the man, and if he felt bad about taking the pictures. His answers were pretty robotic, and he didn't seem as if he felt any emotions, let alone guilt or sadness. 

"If I gave you a new car right now, would you be happy about it?"

"I don't know. It would depend on whether or not my batteries are fully charged. If you are going to give me a new car, can you check my bars? I want to act accordingly."

He was asked as well if he sold the pictures or made money off of them.

"Yes. I was offered money for them. I wouldn't call it 'selling' the pictures, I would call it 'licensing'."

Licensing! This man has a picture of someone about to die, and he's 'licensing' the pictures?

"Ya know, I REALLY want a picture of a dead guy, but I just don't think I can afford it right now."

"Can't afford it?! Well, I've got a deal for you. How does one hundred dollars down and forty bucks a month for the next five years?"

"Really? Okay, that soun... Wait, what does forty bucks a month for the next five years equal out to?"

"It equals out to you leaving right now with a picture of a dead guy."

"Wow! Where do I sign!"

Not only was it bad enough that someone has a picture of this at all, but the New York Post printed it. On the front page! Printed it on the front page of the paper? With the headline "Doomed"? Are you "Faces of Death"? Are you hard up for sales? If you're printing this, why not print other pictures of people about to die? Why not head right to the morgue, and instead of just having a story about a prostitute who was murdered, get a picture of her? Why not? Do you have to see it as it's happening before the picture can be used?

"Guys! I have a great picture for your paper! You heard about the old woman who was stabbed last night for her wallet, right? Well, take a look at this."

"Whoa! That's a straight-on shot of her face. Wait, is that the knife in her stomach?"

"Yeah! I stabbed her with my left hand, took the picture with my right! I can steady a camera better with my right hand. My left hand is kinda shaky. This woman found that out the hard way."

"...You murdered this woman?"

"Sure did. Seventy-eight bucks on her."

"Well, sir, I'm am thoroughly disgusted... that you are going to go to jail for this! I mean, look at the lighting! Look at how close you are! It's just a shame. You'll probably get fifteen years, but when you get out, you'll have a job here with benefits. Congratulations."

Not one person there could help this guy? Not one? I know there isn't a good Samaritan law, but man, can nothing be done to these people? At least be banned from the subway for a bit. Something.

"Can I buy a monthly pass?"

"Sure... wait. Weren't you on the platform the other day when a man fell onto the tracks and you didn't do anything about it?"

"Yeah! Man, it was nuts. I got some pictures. You want to see? I got right up in his face in one of them. You can almost see him mouth the words, "Why the fuck are you taking pictures and not giving me a hand at all?"

"You are not allowed on the train, sir. And you make me sick."

Maybe the people on the tracks actually wouldn't have been able to help him. I wasn't there. But could they have at least attempted to help him? At least fake an attempt to try to help him? People feign interest all the time. Just about any time someone is walking behind you when you walk through a doorway, and they're just a little bit too far behind for you to hold it open for them, you'll make an attempt at pretending to reach back to hold it, but you just don't quite make it.

"Ah, sorry, man. My hand didn't reach it in time. I tried. Sorry about that cake that was smashed into your face. If only you were two steps faster."

We fake attempts all the time! If an old woman is about to lift a heavy box, and you see someone close to her who is going to help her, you'll probably still make the attempt, even though you will not be called upon.

"Oh, you got it? Okay."

"No, actually. I was going to help her with her coat. Could you give us a hand?"

"Sorry, what? I am now five steps away from you. You probably just want to thank me again for stepping forward, but here's a secret, I had no intention of helping, regardless. Thanks, though."

The people there couldn't even ATTEMPT to help him? Not even take a stride forward? Not even yell out? Nothing? Just stand there and wait for it to happen?

Maybe that's why there are action movies. Movies that show people doing heroic things that no one would ever attempt in real life. Maybe if action movies were based on reality, they wouldn't even happen.

"John McClane! Your wife's Christmas party has been taken over by terrorists! You are the only one who can help!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Help? Not on your life. First of all, I'm off duty. Second, terrorists? Don't think so. And it's 'ex' wife. Maybe if she hadn't left me, I'd think differently. But right now? I'm way too upset to forgive her for leaving, and I will let these terrorists capture her out of spite. Stop terrorists without any shoes? Yippe-kay-nay!"

It's amazing that not one person stepped forward to help this man. I think people don't want to help because most people don't want to step out of line. No one wants to be embarrassed. About ninety-five percent of people try their hardest to go all day without bumping into people, being noticed by strangers, or doing something that could be deemed embarrassing or ridiculous. Most people are horrified that they could be called upon to do something.

"Man, I can't go help that guy. What if I make it into the paper? I'm not wearing anything cool enough to be in the paper – just a stupid black jacket. Or worse! What if I trip on the way over to help him and everyone here sees me fall on my face! I could never take the subway again! How could I continue to live if forty people saw me trip and f... Oh! The train hit him! Whoa. Well, at least I can slink back into obscurity. Thank you, Jesus."

It's crazy that a man is PUSHED onto the tracks and no one moves at all. If someone dropped his or her phone? Everyone would care.

"Man, you dropped your phone! That's terrible. Here, I'll hold your stuff while you jump down and grab it."

"A man was just pushed onto the tracks!"

"Oh, God! Tell him to get up and get pushed again! I have to get my phone so I can take a picture of him! He hasn't died yet, has he? I want a picture!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

The Self-Sufficient pant

I'm not sure where sweatpants are ranked in the world of pants, but no matter where that may be – they are under rated. Even if they are rated number one.

"Number one? Come on. Who voted on this? They got robbed!"

For some reason, we are made to believe that there are only two types of people who wear sweatpants. Either really athletic people, who run all the time and go to the gym, or really obese, racist people, who run to buffets and work out at the gym of hate.

"Hey, you're wearing sweatpants. Do you try to keep in shape?"

"Shape? Do I look like I try to keep in shape? You don't need to be in shape to wave the confederate flag... You're only supposed to wave it three times anyway before you break into a coughing fit... right?"

Most people look at sweatpants as gross, disgusting pants that are only worn by huge, grossly obese people who love wrestling and racist comments.

"Hey! Slam that guy onto that dirty wetback while I drink forty-two ounces of Coke and crush these chili dogs! Ahhh! I think my heart just got put in a Sharpshooter! Ahhh!"

People also think of sweatpants as pants worn by personal trainers who haven't had an ounce of sugar in four years.

"I operate on a level of two percent body fat. If I reach anything higher or lower, I die. I also throw up pretty consistently when training people like you. What is your body fat level? Forty-two percent? Jesus... I can barely... stand... here... (<throws up>)."

"Do you have to throw up on the treadmill? I was going to run on that."

"You... run? (<throws up>)."

Everyone has a pair of sweatpants. Or at least they should. If you don't, here are some reasons why you might want to re-think that.

Sweatpants are amazing for long flights. You spend thirteen hours in a flying bus, pretty much stuck in a seat that a Chihuahua would feel claustrophobic in, there's someone always on an intercom telling you what you can and cannot do, so is this the time to get out clothes that are restricting?

"Honey, where's my tie? I'm about to get into a box and I want to look my best."

"Really? Are you dying? I know I'm going to die if I have to wait another day for you to fix the sink."

"Look, the water drains, okay? Just get off of my back. I'm flying and I want to be as uncomfortable as possible!"

"Uncomfortable? Why didn't you tell me? I'd love to help with that."

"Why are we still married?! This feels like the seat I'm about to sit in for half a day!"

If you are flying for a long time, you can try to look your best, but your face will look its worst half way through.

"Sir! Are you okay? From the neck down you look as though you are about to tackle a meeting. From the neck up you look like you are about to tackle a bed after drinking whiskey."

"Huh? Yeah. This flight is really hurting my fa... Really? You think I'll crush this meeting?"

"Sure. Just lead with your suit. Put your jacket over your head."

Sweatpants are also amazing for sitting at home. There is no reason to wear anything else in your house. Walking from room to room. Making food. Watching TV. What else would there be to wear in this situation?

"Man, I can't make chicken. My velour suit is filthy! Well, I guess I'm not eating."

Unless someone is coming over, there's no reason to have anything else on. And what if that person comes over in sweatpants!

"Hey, man. How are you?"

"I was good a minute ago when I thought we were hanging out. I wore sweatpants!"

"We're hanging out. What are you talking about?"

"What am I talking about? You're wearing jeans, man. Jeans! How can you really sink into a chair and enjoy Left 4 Dead in denim?"

"I was thinking about sitting erect."

"...I have never been so offended."

We have the ability right now to be comfortable when we want to be. We should take advantage of this as much as possible. Not a lot of other times in history has that been a thing. Pioneers, I bet, would have loved some sweatpants. After a long day of cutting down trees, hunting for food, building the place where they would sleep in. Do they really want to sit around a fire, drinking moonshine, wearing wool pants?

"Victor, you really shoed that horse properly today."

"Thank you. He kicked me half a dozen times, but I'm a man, and men at this point in history do not complain. Time to relax. We only have two hours until we have to get up and do it all again."

"Yes. I really wish I had something comfortable to sit in. After sixteen straight hours of work, these wool pants really do feel awful."

"Is that complaining I hear? Are you not a man?"

You can even use sweatpants to hold things. Hold things such as computers. Weird? Yes. I, though, for years, used sweatpants to wrap my laptop when I traveled. Why? Not sure. I didn't want to buy a computer case. So I didn't. I wrapped my computer in sweatpants, which was great for two reasons. One, my computer was safe. Two, I would have sweatpants when I got to wherever I was going.

"Huh, my computer still hasn't broken AND I have comfortable pants that wouldn't have fit in my luggage. Can people wear THEIR computer sleeves when they're are not holding a computer? I think not."

Sweatpants can also be tapered. Does anyone know how great this is? Tapering? So you don't walk on them? So that they don't fall down? It's great! You can't really have this on any other pants. I've seen them on jeans, but it looks strange.

"Why do your jeans hug your ankles like that?"

"Oh, they're tapered."

"... Are you going to run in your jeans?"

"What.?"

"Tapered pants are usually only tapered for athletic activities."

"Oh. Well. I did not know that."

Sweatpants are also pretty much the only pants that don't need a belt. They are a self-sufficient pant. Elastic waist, or better yet – a string you can tighten. They can be worn as soon as you get them. When you buy sweatpants, you are given everything you need with them. Regular pants are really no good without the accessory.

"Well, I just bought some pants. Now to put them on. Damn! I forgot to buy the other thing that is mandatory to have with these. I can't put a piece of string around my waist. People will think I'm crazy! If only it were socially acceptable to wear sweatpants to a funeral. Well, I guess I'll just have to pull my jacket down far, and keep my hands in my pockets so these pants don't fall down. Sorry, uncle Jerry. I tried."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

No dads. It's a thing.

I grew up without my dad around. Not that he was around for a bit and then left, he was never there. I'm in that group of people that other people feel bad for. The group who is supposed to go to jail, not be able to walk around normally or be inherently good at rapping or playing basketball.

"Your turn to choose."

"All right. Out of who's left, who had a good family life?"

"Me, me! Mom and dad were around!"

"Cool. I want nothing to do with you. I'll take you, 'no dad'. You got something to prove. You'll try to dunk from half. Let's go."

Not having a dad has shaped me in ways that some people wouldn't be able to understand, good and bad, but it's something I would not change at all. And I would argue, that although it's not 'normal', there is nothing wrong with not having a dad.

Growing up, none of my friends had both parents. None. It was mostly no dads, or they were divorced, or their mom wasn't around. That's just the way that it was. I didn't feel it was weird then. Everyone around me had the same situation, so how could it bother me?

"I don't have a dad."

"Oh, yeah? Me neither."

"What the hell! You either? This is ridiculous! We need some dads around here. Where the hell did they all go?"

"Calm down, man. You were fine two seconds ago."

"Give us dads or give us death!"

"...Okay, that's a little far."

Only when I went to college did I find out that my life was 'strange'. Everyone there had their parents, or at least knew both of them, so my life was fringe to them. People didn't understand it.

"Whoa, you don't have a dad? Is that why you're going to college? So that you don't end up being a deadbeat like him?"

"Ummm, no. It's just something I wanted to do."

"Really? Wanted to do because your dad left and with that there was a huge hole in your chest that you have decided to fill with schooling?"

"…You had your dad, right?"

"I did!"

"So why are you here?"

"...I guess... I don't... know."

Honestly, it's weird to me to think about people having their dads. Since I didn't live that way, I don't get it. You mean, there were TWO people in your house who you had to run things past? That seems harder than my life.

"Hey, can I sleep at Chris' house?"

"Well, me and your dad will have to have a sit down, write out the pros and cons of your question, and decide from there. Right, Harry?"

"Right, Alice. I have a list already started. Pro: I like Chris. Con: you won't be here in the morning to do the dishes. Alice?"

"Con: I will miss you. Pro: it'll give me and your father a bit of time to still not have sex."

"Look, guys, your answer took way too long. I have already graduated college, and me and Chris stopped being friends years ago when he started dating my ex-girlfriend. I don't even live here anymore. I am here for Thanksgiving and you just gave me an answer to a question I asked fifteen years ago. Thanks."

Only having one parent? You don't have to worry about this.

"Hey, can I stay at Chris' house?"

"...You're home? Yeah, sure."

One thing about not having a dad is that every once in awhile I will see an article about single parents. I really dislike when people say that you can't raise a child with only one parent. It is said as if the people who were raised by only one parent can't hear them.

"You can't raise a kid with only one parent. Can't do it. Unless you want a mutant kid who doesn't understand anything in life."

This is only ever said by people who were raised by both parents. It's said by them because they can't picture life any other way. Of course they would say that! If you grew up a certain way, it just becomes normal to you.

"You can't raise a kid without a pool in the backyard. Are you serious!? I grew up with a pool! Having a pool was one of things that was a constant in my life. You can't raise a kid without a pool! I had a pool! What the hell?!"

It's weird that people will get sad if I talk about not having a dad, when no one really expects dads to stick around. Nobody. Most people just sort of assume that men will take off when they have a kid.

"I have something to tell you. I am pregnant. And I've locked the doors and windows so that you can't leave."

"What? That's great! I mean, that you're pregnant. Why would I leave?"

"Yeah, as if you care. Why would you leave? You just said 'leave'. The doors are locked, Steve, and you are raising this kid!"

"What the hell? I want to!"

"Want to leave? The doors are locked, Steve! Why would you do this to me? This is a beautiful moment!"

Dads are not allowed to say that they are around for that reason.

"I am in my children's lives."

"You are supposed to be! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"But so many men aren't! Isn't it good that I am?"

"No! You're just a piece of trash that didn't pull a piece-of-trash move. Hug that kid!"

Dads are held to a really high standard. Moms have a lot more leeway. Moms can mess up for years and still be loved. Dads get a lot less chances and then are written off.

"My dad? Terrible. He wouldn't even compliment me when I made a good catch. I hate him."

Moms are loved almost no matter what.

"My mom? Yeah. She was rough. Used to beat me with the crafts that I made in school. I love her, though. I mean, she brought me into this world. I can't forget that. Love you, mom. Think about you every time I see popsicle sticks."

I've noticed that people become weird when I talk about not having a dad. Why? Especially in 2012. Do you know how many people didn't have a dad and still did good things with their lives? Barack Obama, no dad. Bill Clinton, no dad. Jay-Z, no dad! One day, kids will be so pissed to have their dads. 

"What the hell are you doing here?! I wanted to be somebody! Thanks a lot, dad!"

I'm reminded sometimes why it's good not to have a dad. The guy at the bar wearing a hockey jersey, screaming about women and drinking gross beer? I don't want to be that guy! I guarantee you he has a dad. Guaranteed! He didn't learn to act that way from his mom.

"Yeah, my mom used to get me to stay up late and say derogatory things about women while drinking Coors and talking sports. She's a great mother. I'm gonna call that slut right now."

When I was young and I'd see Maury episodes where grown men would cry on TV about not having their dads, I never understood that. If he wasn't around at all, how can you be so upset by it? He was never there! You probably never had a unicycle either; there are no episodes about that.

"Everyone, meet Chris. Chris says that he loses sleep, can't work and can't handle himself in relationships due to the fact that he has never had a Super Soaker XXP 175."

"Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh."

"That's right, Maury. I mean, I was supposed to have one! Year after year, I waited for it to come. Year after year, I was disappointed."

"That's truly a sad story. But I have some good news. We hunted it down and brought it here. So here it is, Chris' Super Soaker XXP 175!"

"BOOOOOOooooooo!"

'Squirt, squirt, squirt, full water spray, pump up to 'look out', squirt, squirt, squirt."

"Where the hell have you been!? You couldn't even show up for one birthday? Couldn't spray once when I graduated high school? I needed you! Ahhhhhh!"

Now that I'm older, I get why he left. Nobody cares about dads. Only when they are not around. I saw a man get on the subway holding his baby. Holding it! No stroller, just holding it in his arms. Nobody moved to give him a seat. No one! 

"Yeah, how does that feel? The mother held him for nine months! You can hold him for nine stops."

I've seen women get on with strollers and people give them seats. Get right up. A man holding his kid without wheels? Nothing. I get why dads leave. I wouldn't be surprised if he walked away right there.

"No seats, huh? Fine!"

"Waaaahhhhaaa!"

"The baby's yours now, train! Hope he doesn't become a criminal."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh