The first Obama/Romney debate.

The presidential debates have started. The time when the president has to take time out of running a country to debate a man who wants to take his place. I do not watch reality. I watch these. These are the best reality shows there are. Why? It's because the votes here are for all the marbles, unlike other shows where you vote to see who will win a singing contest or who will eat a June bug.

"Man, I HATE Jason. I'm gonna vote twice for him to have to drink battery acid. That'll teach you, you 'I-love-my-wife-and-kids' piece of trash! Take that family-loving-shit to the OWN network!"

I watched the first debate the other night and here are some of my thoughts on it.

My first thought was – did Mitt have a bet with someone that he could say 'middle class' more times than George Bush said 'freedom'?

"Hey, how many times did Bush say 'freedom' during his presidency?"

"Jesus, I don't know. It'd be easier to tell you how many M&M's are in a gallon jug. Millions?"

"Huh. I bet you I can beat that."

"Sorry, what?"

"I can say 'middle class' more times than he said 'freedom'. Wanna bet pink slips?"

"...Mitt, Jesus... why? This isn't The Fast and the Furious. Plus, middle class people get offended when you say middle class. You have maids, Mitt! Maids! Your name is Mitt! You don't have any idea about the middle class! Your first name is Willard!"

"Hell, middle class. I love middle class more than I love middle class. Middle class? Middle class, middle class. Middle!"

"Mitt, please, tell me you're getting those out now before this debate begins."

"I'd middle love class to, but I'm middle just getting class started."

Everyone has been talking about Barack not really showing up. Barack did act as if he wasn't focused, or at least as though he was tired. Nobody brought up the fact that it was his twentieth anniversary of his marriage to Michelle, though. Michelle and Barack seem to be crazy in love. He was probably tired because he was up all night.

"Michelle, I'd... love to have sex... with you... one more time. But... as you know... I... have a presidential debate... ah,... tomorrow. So... in the best interest of that... annnnd to take my opponent seriously... I believe... I should... drink some water... annnnd get some sleep. I hope that... on our twentieth anniversary... that making love nineteen... ah, times... will suffice."

"Barack, Mitt isn't a problem. Come back to bed."

"Well, it seems as though... new facts... have ahhh, come to light. And with these... new developments, I will, ahhh, get back into bed... annnnd deliver... on this twentieth time."

It had to have something to do with their anniversary. Either having sex or arguing all night about the date it fell on.

"Michelle, now I know... we've been married... for twenty years. Annnd as much as I... would love to take you to dinner... oooor a show... I have... a very important debate... to attend."

"I can't believe this, Barack! We only have one twentieth year anniversary. One! How can you spend it arguing with a soulless white man on national TV!?"

"Michelle... now you know... I love you... annnd the twenty years... we've spent together. But... I have to debate... this soulless man. I have to... be wide awake... annnnd alert. Can we possibly... talk about this... ah... tomorrow?"

"Oh, no, Barack. We canNOT talk about this tomorrow. We will talk about it right now! I don't care if you look like you had a twelve-hour lay over in Dubai! We're gonna talk this out NOW!"

Also, during the debate, why do the debaters not directly address each other? Why? Out of respect? Isn't it much more respectful to address the person you are talking about if they are in the room, much less standing next to you, AND you are debating them?

"Under the president's policies, we are floundering."

"What do you mean 'under the president's policies'? I'm right here! Look me in the face and say, 'Because of YOUR policies. I ain't in the next room. Say it to my face, Mitt!"

Why not address each other? It would be ridiculous if they did this in any other part of their lives.

"Dinner's ready!"

"Well, because of my wife's cooking, the pot roast is burnt. I just don't think her recipe for such a dish is up to par with others on the market."

"I'm in the kitchen with you, Mitt! Can you not just address me? I can't stand this anymore! I know you are getting ready for your debate, but talk to me when you're talking to me! And last night's, 'I just don't think my wife's sexual intercourse is as much on her mind as the families laundry' is not cute. You know we wear clothes once and then throw them in the trash, pouring gasoline on them so that disgusting poor people can't reuse them, Mitt. You know that!"

Once the debate was over, people freaked out about both men lying.

"He lied this many times!"

"Yeah, well, YOUR guy lied this many times!"

As if that's supposed to be something. They're both not going to tell the full truth! That is how this whole thing is done. They can't just be up there telling you everything. That wouldn't be a presidential debate. It would be an episode of Jersey Shore.

"Governor Romney, what are your views on the poor?"

"Poor? 'BEEP' the poor! Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, that is if you have any, you broke pieces of trash. Jesus, is it THAT 'BEEP'ing hard to make two hundred million dollars? The only time I let poor people around me is when I'm paying my 'BEEP'ing gardener, and even then I tell him to go to the end of the driveway, and I shoot his cheque at him from a t-shirt gun. Poor. Please. Get the 'BEEP' out of here."

Personally, I love some of the lies. Especially the stories that each man told about poor, sad women running up to them. They were just these ridiculously sad stories of downtrodden people who came up to them to get the crowd on their side.

"Just yesterday, a woman grabbed my arm and said, 'I have cancer in all of my arms, both of my hands are mechanical, and I am currently on fire. Can you help me?' And the answer is yes, I can help, if I become president. Stay alive long enough to vote and I'll throw some water."

If these actually do happen, why only tell the sad stories? People must not always have sad things to say when they come up to presidential candidates.

"Just yesterday, a woman grabbed my arm and said, 'Hey, there's something in your teeth'. It's that kind of everyone-looking-out-for-everyone America that I want to live in. Vote for me and we'll ALL know when there are things in our teeth."

One thing about the debates that is crazy to me is the fact that they will cut off a third of the president and his opponent onscreen to show you jokes that people have tweeted. Are you serious? Tweets! Over the lower half of a man who is in charge of America and trying to tell you how he is going to run the country for the next four years.

"Let's talk about taxes here for a second. First, I think we need to... wait... what the hell is this? Are you cutting me off to show the tweet of someone from Idaho who's saying that he thinks this debate is less entertaining than a re-run of Captain Planet? What the hell are we doing here! I'm the damn president! I have to deal with this garbage. Am I a 

Kardashian? Is this 'Dancing with the Presidential Debaters'? No! Treat us with some kind of respect!"

In a country that would do this, who cares who is in control? Give it to Romney. Give it to a dishwasher or a Wendy's drive-thru employee. Give it to a tweeter! Funniest tweet about the debater's ties gets you the position of leader of the free world!

"Oh, look at this! Someone made a joke about how this debate is scarier than the movie Paranormal Activity! Why do we show this? It's because this whole damn thing is a joke anyway! Congrats to @wheresmycheerios, you're now in the most powerful position on the planet! Retweet with the hashtag #wanttolendusmoney to help lower the deficit."

Showing tweets during a presidential debate. I bet they wouldn't do that if it were the head of Apple and the head of Samsung debating.

"Are you kidding me? I don't care what @heartcats has to say about the Galaxy 3! Men are talking! This is very important! Whoever wins this debate will determine who – in my circle of friends and thusly me – are complete losers. Go, head of the company whose phone I bought!"

I know that it's fair, but it's funny to me that they decide who speaks first in a presidential debate the same way they determine who goes first in a rap battle. A coin toss. A coin toss to see who speaks first in a debate to see who will be leader of the free world. Who does that coin toss?

"All right, we're gonna do a coin toss to see who will call the other man gay in rhyme form a million times first."

"...What? That's not gonna happen here. This is a presidential debate!"

"Oh, right! Wrong event. I'm doing a coin toss across town at a rap battle after this. Okay, so which one of you fruits wants to call it?"

This is a big deal, so this coin is probably thoroughly inspected. Where does it come from? Is it brand new? It can't just be one from somebody's pocket?

"Coin toss? All right. Let me see what I have here. I've got a nickel from 1984. Will that do?"

"No, no. We need a quarter. I have one right here."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. A Romney quarter? That's not fair. We need a quarter that neither candidate has touched. What about the moderator?"

"NOPE."

"Fine, I'll call the mint and get them to print a fresh one. But this is ridiculous. I have a nickel right here."

"Drop the nickel, okay?! Just drop it!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Laguardia. The little airport that could.

I have lived in New York for about a year and I fly in and out of it a decent amount. Anytime I can, I fly out of LaGuardia airport. It is so close that if it expanded, my house could potentially become a terminal.

"Whoa! What are you guys doing in my shower?"

"Well, technically you are in our shower. We have expanded to include the surrounding neighborhoods. Would you like to check in to your flight?"

"I'm not flying today."

"Well, check in for the next one! You probably don't need to. Now that I've seen you naked, I know it's you."

I think that's pretty great. Others, though, really cannot stand this airport.

People trash LaGuardia all the time. In May, it was actually ranked the worst airport in America. The worst! People tore it apart.

"It's dirty!"

"The ceilings are low!"

"It's too small!"

I absolutely love this airport. For many reasons, really. One reason – it is a ten-dollar cab ride from my house. Ten dollars! From an airport! 'Does he live in a terminal,' you ask? 'Is he a baggage handler who sleeps underneath one of the carts at night,' you wonder aloud?

"Well, I'm done for the day, boss. I'm going to curl up here on the jetway and get some shuteye."

"Go ahead. You've earned it. Wait, how have you found a way to sleep with all of these planes landing directly beside you?"

"I just try to picture myself dead. Works most of the time."

No. LaGuardia airport just happens to be in Queens, not far at all from where I live in Astoria. I like it because there is no way I will live this close to an airport again. Never. Unless one day, I move to Mexico to sell drugs and have my own airstrip on my property.

"Ah, my own airport. You know, this reminds me of the time I spent in New York. I lived really close to an airport."

"As close to this one, boss?"

"Who told you to speak to me! I am a drug kingpin and you are merely a man who moves suitcases from one spot to another. I will cut your head off! I will blow up your family! I will rain BULLETS UPON YOUR DREAMS! ...I'm sorry. I just have to practice being a druglord. You know how it is. Only my third week. But to answer your question, yes. Yes, it was this close."

In May, there was a poll on "The Ten Worst Airports in America". What was number one? LaGuardia. But the top five included EVERY airport in New York. All three airports made the top five. Basically, if you want to fly to New York, just don't. Drive, get a bus, hike, walk, ride a horse, crawl. Apparently ANYTHING is better than landing here.

"Where are you flying?"

"New York."

"Yikes! Hope it's not into any of the airports."

"Well... yeah, of course it is. Where else would it land?"

"Whoa! That's awful! Landing at an airport in New York? Bud, if you can, right before the plane lands, jump out. The pain you feel when you hit the tarmac will be less than the pain you feeling having to wait an extraordinary amount of time for your bag. Trust me. I waited there a month ago. The whole time, all I could think was, "I'd rather have cracked my head on the runway than wait for my own stuff."

I'm honestly not sure why it matters that much how good an airport is. Do planes land there? Will the plane that I'm on let me get off of it at this particular location? What else is there?

"It's not clean."

How long are you going to be spending in this airport? If it were great, would you just hang out there?

"I'm kinda hungry."

"Me too. You want to head to the gorgeous food court at the airport?"

"The airport? Why would we go out there?"

"Man, have you been there!? It's amazing! So many food options. It's really the only place I eat since they fixed it up. Oh, and the shopping? Unbelievable. They truly have the best selection of Lacoste polos in the city."

"...You don't wear Lacoste polos."

"Not the ones found out in these dirty streets! But the ones from the airport? They're something else."

LaGuardia is a small airport, but I don't know why that's a problem for people. You can still fly out of it. It's not as if you show up and hope that your plane will be leaving.

"I have a flight out of LaGuardia. It's so tiny that they draw numbers to see which planes will be flying out. I hope to JESUS they draw mine this time. Come on, six!"

You are still able to get out of the airport. You can still fly! Why does it matter that it's small?

"Man, what an inconvenience. This airport is so small; I can get directly to my gate in four minutes. That's ridiculous! I want to have to drag my bag through the airport, past the little mall that most other airports have. This airport doesn't even have an L.L. Bean store that I can walk by and think, 'Who the hell would shop at the airport?' Why take that joy away from me, LaGuardia? Why!?"

LaGuardia airport feels homey. It's almost as if you are landing in your grandmother's house. It's small enough that it feels as if it's hugging you when you land there. The ceilings are just as low and it's starting to fall apart just like your grandmother's.

"Watch out for the crown molding, honey. Last night a tile fell off and hit me right in the face! Blew my dentures right out. I laid on the floor for an hour before I was able to get up. Either way, would you like a cookie?"

The bigger an airport gets, the more completely useless things appear in it. A lot of airports are too big and just end up having a ton of things in them that you don't need.

"You know, we have four hundred gates here, but I'm thinking that we are missing something."

"I was thinking the same thing. …I know! What about a barber shop?"

"Yeah, that's great! For people who have layovers that are three days long, they can keep their hair looking great!"

"Exactly! And what about a tire rotation and oil change booth?"

"I love it! For the people who drive to the airport to park and fly. Before they leave, they can get a check-up on their car while they wait for their bags!"

"Right! Oh, oh. And what about a delivery room for women who just land and are tired of carrying around that bothersome baby?"

"Dear, God! This is going to be the biggest, best airport in the world!"

People talk badly about airports as if everything is completely fine with the planes. Too small, no leg room, people in front of you couldn't care less if you have knees after the flight and will lean their chair right into your face.

"Excuse me, do you mind not looking me in the eyes? I know I'm in your lap, but I paid for this seat and all of the leaning back it can do."

Why, though, are we so worried about the place the plane lands when the device that flew us to this location is not great? If you rented a car that was terrible to drive to Buffalo, you can't JUST be mad at Buffalo when you get there.

"This car had no room for me to put my stuff, I had to pay extra just to be able to roll down the windows and be comfortable, and it was RUDE to me the entire way. Man, I'm going to take all of this anger out on the place the car took me. Buffalo! Here I come, you garbage city. I hate everyone who lives here, and your ridiculous questions like, "Man, it must be cold in Canada, huh? Like the ice ages." You can see Canada! You see any Mastodons walking around over there! God, I hate this place."

Also, flights to LaGuardia actually end up where they say they are going. In New York. LaGuardia is actually IN New York. That's a big one for me. An airport that is where it says that it is. If you are flying from Canada with Porter, they will tell you they fly to New York.

"New York? Of COURSE we go there! Why would we not fly to the greatest city on earth? You can't be an airline and not fly to such a tourist destination."

But they do not fly to New York. Nope. Where do they land? Newark, New Jersey. Admittedly, New Jersey is not insanely far from New York, but it is New Jersey. New York? No. No, it is not. It is the state beside New York. They fly into a different state! Not only do they not fly into New York City, they don't even land in New York state! The entire state – they don't touch it. New Jersey is a completely different place, with different laws. One law that's different in New Jersey is that you need a state permit to purchase a long gun. New York? Not at all. You can walk right in and get one.

"Where's my permit? Hey, eat it, buddy. I was almost pissed on three times on the way over here by people who thought I was a unicorn. Gimme the damn long gun, pal."

Why do people allow this? Yeah it's close, but it's not where it says it's going.

"All right, everyone. We are now going to start our non-stop flight to Orlando, Florida. Now that the doors are closed and there's nothing you can do, I'll tell you that we'll be flying to Jacksonville! Yes, you're right, it's NOT Orlando, but it is closer to Orlando than where you are right now. Right? Am I right? We will be coming around soon with complimentary peanuts for everyone. 'Peanuts' is a loose term. It also encompasses poisons and snake venom, so who knows what you'll get. We just never say what we mean around here!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Gun Control. Shoot if you hear me.

There have been many shootings in the last year, especially in the last three months. Most people would think there's been many in America, but in the last three months there have been a number of shootings in Canada, too. What is happening? Why are all of these shootings taking place? Honestly, I don't think anyone should care about that. People should care about getting rid of one of the major problems here. Guns.

The NRA will puke in your face if you talk about getting rid of guns. In their opinion, guns are not the problem. The guns are just chilling, trying to enjoy themselves before animals come by and pick them up.

"Come on! Why'd he have to shoot that family of baby gorillas with a gun? What's his problem? Did he HAVE to soil the good name of guns? Don't blame the gun. It didn't do anything! That gun was minding its own business, just being cool, before that idiot misused it."

"Isn't its function to kill?"

"Its first function is being cool. That is a fact." 

I love the NRA slogan. I always thought that should have been part of Charlton Heston's wedding speech.

"Do you take this woman to love and to hold 'til death do you part?"

Charlton Heston turns to the crowd and raises his wife's arm.

"...From my cold dead hands!"

The ONLY purpose of a gun is to kill. That is it. Nothing else at all. That is all it was made for. Knives have other functions. Bo staffs can be turned into mops. Nunchucks can even be used as a no-nonsense fan.

"Whoa, I'm hot."

"Here, let me cool you off."

"Ummm, aren't those weapons that you're spinning beside my head?"

"Currently, no. They are a chilling device like no other. Harm or shame my family, though, and they will kill you."

Guns can't do anything else but kill. That is all. What else can you use a gun for?

"Can you pass me that wooden spoon? I need to stir this pasta."

"Oh, I don't have a wooden spoon. Here, use this M-16 barrel."

"... Is that safe?"

"Of course. Just don't touch the trigger. I know, it'll be hard to not touch the trigger because you're used to a wooden spoon that has no trigger, but trust me, stay away from it."

I love when people say that if we all had guns, no one would shoot anyone else. Then why do gangs shoot at other gangs? Other gangs have guns. Why did cowboys shoot at each other? They could SEE that the other cowboy had a gun. He carried it on his waist! If everyone had a gun, there would still be shootings. People wouldn't become more civilized if everyone had a gun.

"Hey, man, give me your money!"

"Or else what?"

"Wow, wow. I didn't know you had a gun as well. This really changes things. Not gonna lie… kinda puts a damper on my plans here. I was going to take your money and put it into my savings account. I have a 2.7% interest rate."

"2.7%?! How did you get that?"

"Ah, well, I could go into detail with you. Would you like to grab a cocoa and discuss this financial matter, gentle sir?"

"Indeed I would, used-to-be-attacker. Indeed I would. Let me buy the cocoa."

"No, please, please. I pulled a loaded weapon on you, sir. The least I could do is buy you a beverage."

"Nonsense. I insist, young man. The delicious liquid is on me."

What do we need guns for? In all seriousness, what is the purpose? For a regular human – not a cop, not someone in the army – to have a gun? Hunting? Protecting yourself? Possibly just because you are allowed to have one? That seems like the true purpose.

"Legally, I can – so I am going to get a gun and damn anyone to hell who is going to try and stop me!"

"But why do you need it?"

"Need? I didn't say need. I'm allowed. So I'm going to do it! Just like I'm legally allowed to eat Funions. So I do it! I'm buying a gun and then I'm buying Funions. That's how this Tuesday is going to go. Doing all of the things I'm legally allowed to do!"

There are people who just plain love guns. Love guns and don't want them taken away. I say, they'll get over it. People lose things all the time that they love. Spouses, blankets, a certain stuffed animal, shoes, cars. If any of those things were written down as law maybe people would fight for them more.

"It says in the fifteenth amendment that legally my first blanket ever is not allowed to be thrown out by anyone in my family, even if they say it's 'taking up space in the garage'. Well, get a bigger garage, mom! You can't infringe on my rights!"

Let's get rid of these guns! We do not need them. What are we afraid will happen if we don't have them? Will a giant crayfish come out of the ocean and eat us all? Look, we can make some more guns if a fifty-foot crayfish attacks a city. That's when we'll pull them out. When a fifty-foot crayfish attacks a place, we'll start up the AK-47 factory again.

"Sir! There is a giant crustacean attacking Delaware!"

"...My God. I never thought it would come to this. All right, blow the dust off of that lever and pull it. We'll take 'Jay-Z/Kanye word' fish out the old fashion way. Bullet-ly."

"...Do you always have to say a witty one-liner before you get a gun?"

"Yes. The safety won't come off of them if you don't. I once tried to fire at a moose by saying, 'It's you or me, moose. Have you herd?' The gun jammed. I was nearly trampled to death."

Gun enthusiasts say they need guns to hunt. I understand that to a point, but people hunted without guns before and got it done. I think innocent people are more important than making hunting easier.

"There haven't been any shootings in years! It's great that they banned guns. Only thing that sucks now is that I have to get right up on a deer and slit his throat. I tell ya, it's really made hunting harder. I feel safer everywhere I go now, but the hunting? Whoa. I should be able to stand back and shoot the deer like a man from a distance and not feel its last breath while it dies in my arms, but I get it, I get it. We're safer. Thanks, guys."

People want to hunt, fine. But handguns? Can we at least get rid of those? There is no point of anyone having one. You are not going to hunt with one. Never. You will never need that, unless you are going to rob a deer.

"Ah, what's up, deer? Thought you could just prance through this forest all carefree, huh? Not today, bud! Gimme them antlers! That's right. Hand them over! Yo, give me some of that sweet fur, too. You think I'm messing around, deer? Well, I ain't! And gimme that cute look on your face!"

Gun lovers will also say they need guns to protect their houses, family and land.

"What if some nut rushes in here with a gun? I can't have one to protect myself? The law protects the criminal more than the victims!"

Why is it only the weapons that people want to emulate? A guy rushes in with a gun, he has a gun, and I should be able to have a gun. Why do we not believe that we should have the mindset of a maniac who will run into a house to combat a maniac running into your house?

"He's allowed to walk in here and kill people, and I can't even tell the bank teller that I'll choke her if she doesn't hurry up?! I have to protect myself. Where's the justice!?"

Guns aren't safe, so we shouldn't have them at all. In school, one person could ruin it for everyone.

"Well, Tom put gum under his desk and it got stuck to Susan's dress, so no more gum."

"Ah, geez! Thanks, Tom! I guess I'll just chew on my thoughts from now on."

We would live with that. And nobody died. Gum didn't kill anyone. People don't have this attitude when it comes to guns. People shoot and KILL innocent, random people, and we don't have the 'one person can ruin it' rule. People argue about it.

"Why should I lose my gun because some nut shot up a busy intersection!? I'm not crazy, he is. This is ridiculous. Obviously keep guns away from him. I just have guns in my home incase someone like him rushes in here. If you catch all of the people like him, I won't ever have to use my gun. So what are you waiting for? Hunt down the crazies and lock them up!"

The one person can ruin for everyone rule doesn't apply to guns at all.

What is the giant fear that people have of these elusive 'somebody's who are going to attack and kill us all.

"Those mutants are out there, and when they inevitably run at my house – I'll be ready."

Where are these people? Where! And why are we so afraid of them? You ever see a crazy person on the street? Some guy just screaming to himself about how he's going to kill someone?

"Take my pigeon! I'll show that dirtbag. I'll choke my pigeon!"

He's not scary, right? You just walk by him and keep going. Give that guy a gun and see how scary he becomes. We're only scared of crazy people who have guns, so WHY NOT GET RID OF THE GUNS! WHY!?

"Well, because if we don't have guns, then someone will get a gun and we'll need one."

People only have guns because they're scared other people have guns. If no one had guns, you wouldn't have to worry about that.

"Well, what about if they had a knife? Or a taser? Or a katana? Or a four-foot long samurai sword? Oh, oh, or what if they had a pocket full of piranhas that they were going to throw at you?"

Fine! I get it. You know what? No more guns, but we'll all carry missiles.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh