Why do opinions/thoughts/words hurt so much?

Right now on this planet, everyones opinions are easily heard, and we seem to be the most sensitive we've ever been about bad opinions. We have the most technology we've ever had to hear everyone's opinions, and when someone says something we don't like, which is bound to happen, we jump on it. Most of the opinions we don't like come from people who would clearly have them, but we get upset regardless. With all of this technology, why do we think that every opinion we hear would work with us? Do we actually expect all opinions to be good? Nice? Or to follow what our beliefs are?

"Now that I am able to hear easily what everyone is thinking, I'm sure it will be a peaceful experience that follows my belief system. Whoa! What the hell is this? This guy doesn't like pro-wrestling? Is he a complete piece of trash!? I cannot believe how angry I am!"

Opinions have a ridiculous effect on people. Huge. Critics who said they didn't like The Dark Knight Rises had death threats sent their way. Death threats! For saying that a movie wasn't very good – death threats! I didn't like it. Send me a death threat. Bane's story was completely stolen from him, Catwoman didn't have a story, and Robin's first name is not Robin! It's an alias. Bruce Wayne's full name is not 'Batman Bruce Wayne'.

"Oh, hey Bruce. You should go by your first name, Batman."

"You're right. I should. Could you shut up about that for right now, though? Just give me my prescription and I'll leave."

These critics, whose job it is to critique, can't have an opinion on a movie they are supposed to critique? What is wrong with the planet? 

Every opinion has to align with how you feel?

"But... but... I LOVED this movie. How can this be? Someone who doesn't live inside my body, has lived a different life and has different feelings towards things, how can they not feel the same way I do about such a film? I... I just don't... get it. He should die!"

One topic that has come up a lot in the last few years is women being funny. First of all, just to say, I find PEOPLE funny. I find some PEOPLE not funny. Men and women. My thought is, why can't someone think that women aren't funny? Adam Carolla said that women aren't funny and people lost their minds.

"Women are funny! There are lists right here! Look! This is a list of funny females! Are you stupid? Can you not read? LOOK AT THE LIST!"

So this man doesn't find women funny. Why do people care what he thinks? Why! And why is he not allowed to have an opinion? Does everyone have to find women funny? Magically, some men just don't like women. Probably men who would partake in something called "The Man Show", where the end credits ran while women in bikinis jumped on a trampoline, and there were segments where a man wore a suit that shot beer out of a penis onto women. Everyone on that kind of show thinks women are equal and therefore could be funny? Really? Do you think every man in the KKK finds Eddie Griffin hilarious?

"I don't care what nobody says, Eddie Griffin is just not funny. I've given him a chance, the old cyclops chance, but I just don't like him. Why? No, it is not because I don't believe black people are equal to me. It's because I just don't think he has actual jokes, and he relies too much on act outs... Naw, I'm kidding! It's cause he's black!"

I wasn't an Adam Carolla fan before he said this, and I'm not after, but I think he's allowed to have an opinion.

Daniel Tosh came under fire for joking about rape. A woman yelled to joke about rape, another woman said, "No, rape is never funny." Tosh said, "Wouldn't it be funny if five guys came in right now and raped her?" Now, when you read that, it is crazy harsh. It's weird to type. In the moment in the comedy club, it is different. Obviously for the woman who was offended, it was not and she left the room, which she is entitled to do. I believe, though, that a high percentage of comedians would have said something completely similar. It's not a joke about rape, it is an offhand comment made about a huge issue to try to get laughs and straighten out what has just been said. Funny? That is an individual thing. Should he be allowed to joke about it? Yes. Should the whole world blow up at a man because, in his opinion, making that joke is all right? I think it's a bit much. People lost it.

"He should lose his show! He should be broke! He shouldn't have fans!"

People were angrier with him joking about rape than they get about actual rapists. That seems to be a bit of a problem. An actual rapist who rapes could get six years. Joke about rape, lose your show. Rape someone and potentially destroy his or her entire life, get six years in jail where you can go to school for free and then be let back into society. JOKE about rape and you might lose your show, fan base, and the world hates you. Does this make sense to anyone?

There are cases of rape all the time. It is disgusting. Why, though, if we are going to completely tear a man apart for joking about it, are we not continuously screaming about the actual offenders? It should be a trending topic everyday.

"Yep, rape is still trending. We should really figure this out. I mean, why are all of these happening? Wait! What is this? A comedian who tells jokes at a comedy club, which is a club designed for jokes and comedy about any topic on the planet, jokes about rape at a comedy club that is designed for jokes by people performing the comedic arts in the exact place they are supposed to be jokes about rape?! I couldn't be any angrier with this! This man has just raped my brain with his complete lack of decency! How could he?!"

The man in North Carolina who said that gay men should be put inside a fence until they die. He uttered this completely ridiculous opinion to the world. Was that a shock to anyone? A religious nut from the south doesn't like gay people?

"Wait just a minute! I know he doesn't think women are equals, or that sex before marriage means you're going to hell, or that masturbating is a sin and you'll burn in hell for all eternity for saying the Lord's name in vein. All of that I'm fine with. But this completely level-headed man thinks gay people should live in a cage!? Well, this is just shocking! I am taken aback, flabbergasted, and any of the other verbs to describe this feeling of breathlessness. Yes! I'm also breathless!"

It's the job of a lunatic southern preacher to hate. It's on the application!

"Do I swear that I will be intolerant, ignorant, and offensive with my thoughts to people outside of my church? I'm checking yes twice!"

Being mad at a ludicrous southern preacher for being ignorant is the same as being mad at Ray Allen for shooting threes.

"What the hell is he doing? Hitting threes like that?! Come on! No! Kick the ball, Ray! KICK IT!"

People have also lost their minds over the opinions of the President of Chik-fil-A. Does it matter what the president of a fast food company says? Seriously. A fast food company! He's not in power. He doesn't sit in UN meetings making decisions. He sells gross chicken to sad people. Does a man who has had to fire someone because they didn't wear a hairnet really have enough power to stir world issues?

"Sir, you put chicken on a bun and sell it to people in sweatpants. What are your thoughts on Syria?"

"Syria? Well, I think it's a horrible disease."

"Whoa! This Chik-fil-A chicken-biscuit-selling-man doesn't know that Syria is a place! How do you even work the fryers here, stupid? What is your problem? And why do I ask you such questions anyway?"

We're taking what he says seriously?

"I think we are inviting God's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say 'We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage and I pray God's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to redefine what marriage is about'."

This is one of the things he said. First of all, once you bring God into an argument, everything you say after that should be considered null and void. Personally, I love listening to someone's views when they start it with: 'This is how God feels'. What's funny is, if he had used any other fictional character, let's say a dragon, people would just think he's crazy.

"I think we are inviting The Dragon's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at said Dragon and say, 'We know better than you, Dragon, as to what constitutes marriage, and I pray the Dragon's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant, and non-dragoness attitude to think that we have the audacity to redefine the thoughts of marriage the Dragon has given us'."

The president of the company also donates lots of money to anti-gay groups. Groups that try to perpetuate lies that being gay makes people pedophiles and things like that. This is awful, but again, this could only work with far-gone religious people. You couldn't put up a sign in Times Square and have regular people who want good for the world believe it.

"That was a great trip into the M&M store! I can't believe they have the yellow one in a disco suit. Oh, man. That is great. Time to hit th.... whoa! What is this! A flyer. Hmm, pretty official already. And it says that gay people are learning how to grow wings out of their backs and steal kids! My dear sweet ice tea! Until this 'government issue yellow piece of loose leaf taped to a light post with words written on it in marker' flyer, I had no idea the gays were up to this. Now? My eyes are open! Thanks for handwriting this message of truth, hero!"

Also, and this is just a random thought, but do gay people even want to eat at Chik-fil-A? I mean as a whole? It seems like the perfect place for overweight religious nuts. They don't seem to be going to the opera. Is that a place that the gay community would like to call its own?

"Okay, we have theatres, stage shows, night life, fun times, reading, good music and dressing well in our repertoire, but I feel we are missing something."

"What about greasy chicken in a bun, really gross fries to go with it, and also an atmosphere that you would never want to hang out in for more than five minutes due to the fact that it could bring you down for three straight months?"

"Are you talking Chik-fil-A!? I was going to bring that up myself! Then it's settled. Chik-fil-A is in. Tonight on my way to the opera, I'm getting a chicken sandwich. I'll feel terrible in my seat for three hours while watching art. Bravo, meeting!"

Am I wrong to say that gay people and religious nuts seem to need each other like Batman needs Joker? The two seem to work off of each other. Religious nuts need the gay population to be able to push the views of a ridiculous/scary book. Gay people seem propelled by religious nuts telling them they are wrong to become stronger. Without each other, both parties seem to have nothing to fight for.

"Today, we're gay and we want respect-ay!"

"...You have it. Religious nuts decided that their God was wrong and that people should be able to do whatever it is that they want."

"...Oh. Um, okay. Well, can we still defiantly march down this street naked blaring music? I mean, we're already here."

"Of course! Go for it! Turn it up as loud as you want and get as naked as you can!"

"...Hmph. Guys, I don't know about you, but I just don't feel like fighting now that we don't have to."

"Yeah, me neither. So... do we just return the floats?"

"I'm just going home. I... I'm just speechless."

Any group that is going to fight needs someone to fight against. The gay pride parades are amazing things to see. People strongly showcasing themselves to the world with fervor. Why is that? Because there are people on this planet who don't think they should be allowed. So what do they do? Stick it to them! And it's great! Ever see a Shriners parade? Is it an over-the-top thrill ride? No. It's awful. Why? Because nobody hates the Shriners, so they are not putting on a parade in spite of anyone.

"I just don't agree with their lifestyle. Strange purple hats with tassels. Old as hell. Driving carts. I mean, they just rub me the wrong way! Do they have to do their Shrinery garbage in public? Down with creepy old men in polyester asking for change! DOWN WITH THEM!"

There was a point in time where you could have an opinion and it didn't matter if it went with everyone else's. In the old days, if you had an opinion that the general population didn't agree with, you wandered the earth alone until you died, or lived in the woods next to a riverbank. You weren't put on the front page of a newspaper.

"Extra, extra, read all about it. Man says he believes all children aged six and up should be forced to get full time jobs!"

"Well, I never! That is disgusting! Instead of ignoring this lunacy, I will spend hours reading about it, working myself into a frenzy with friends, and basically putting my life on a standstill."

Words can hurt, but with words so accessible, we should try not to let them hurt as much as they do.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Don't marry the first person you sleep with.

It's 2012, but there are people out there who still think it's 1940. What do I mean? That there are still people out there who get married right out of high school, or to the person they were dating in junior high. Wow. Are you guys waiting for the Titanic? Is polio still a constant fear in your home? Do you call movies 'talkies'? Then why would you get married at the same age that people who dealt with these things would? Want to start using typewriters again? Have a black and white TV with one channel? Have to hide under your desk during bomb drills? Then don't get married to the first person you date!

Marrying the first person you are with – having no reference points at all – should not be allowed to happen. We don't let brand new drivers take control of a car until they have driven with someone else for a while. We don't let anyone who has a license for a gun just go out and buy a sniper rifle right away. We'd spend more time talking to someone about the difference between phones than we would talking to them about their marrying choices.

"Hey, man, are you sure you want to marry Lisa? I mean… you've never been with anyone else."

"Yeah, I'm sure."

"...Okay."

"Hey, can you tell me some differences between the iPhone and the Android?"

"Can I?! Oh, man. I hang out in stores I don't even work in, wearing a polo in the hopes that someone will ask me a question like this. Now where do I begin? First off, don't just settle for the first phone you get. New phones come out every few months and just because you love yours, that doesn't mean that there isn't a better one out there. This could also be said for other areas of your life. Not your wife, though. You said you're sure."

Most of the world won't let gay people get married, which is completely ridiculous, but will let people with no experience at all do it? How does that make any sense? If marriage has such sanctity around it, why let people who have no prior experience in that door? You can't even get a job without experience, but you can get married?

"Do you have any prior restaurant experience?"

"Nope, none. I've been really nice to people, though, for pretty much my whole life."

"Okay... I don't know if that qualifies you. I don't believe you'll be a good fit here at Boston Pizza."

"Oh, okay. I really just wanted a job to pay for my wedding to my first girlfriend coming up."

"Oh, wow! Marrying the first one, huh? Congrats! That is really good news. I mean… you still can't work here, but you and your new wife can come in and eat whenever you like. Here are some coupons."

When I was fourteen, I thought I was going to marry my first girlfriend. Why? I was a tiny boy! I had nothing to compare it to. A girl liked me, I liked her, and I thought we were in love and could not think of a life past that point without her. Also, she was the first person to touch me. It just made sense to me that she was the person I was destined to be with.

"None of these other fourteen year old girls are touching it. She has to be the one for me! That's how this works, right? Someone play 'Country Grammar' again. I've found my wife!"

Then conversely, when we broke up, I thought I'd never find another human again! Why? I was a tiny boy! I had nothing to compare it to, which led me to think it was all over for me.

"Well, I found the one at fourteen and she left me at fourteen. I peaked early, but at least I know she's out there. Now, to bag groceries in a grocery store and head back to my bachelor apartment alone for the rest of my life. 'Fourteen was the peak year,' I'll tell my cat."

If you're going to marry the first person you're with, why not keep the first job you ever have? Why not? I'm sure you can fall in love with that job if you have had no other jobs.

"Well, things are working out pretty well for me. I've had the same girlfriend since I got my paper route, and I've had that same paper route since before I met her. I thought I would hate this paper route at thirty-five, but man, it just gets easier! As a kid, it was hard to carry all of these papers on my shoulder. Now I have a car and I just drive them everywhere! Also, since I've been doing it so long, most of my customers pay me on time because, as they put it, they 'feel sorry for me'. Don't feel sorry for me. Feel sorry for those suckers who didn't keep their first job. Soon I'll be head paper man!"

A lot of people don't even stay with the same school they started in. They move, transfer, decide that school isn't for them or travel abroad.

"You know, I just don't like living in Tapeka, Kansas anymore. I want to study for a year in Italy. That's what I'll do! I'll go to a different school in a different part of the world. I will tell my boyfriend that I've been with for five years that I will wait for him on this journey of mine. I wouldn't want to have the FULL school and life experience while I'm over there. No, no. I'd much rather be in a foreign place with adventures to be had, and leave them to talk to my boyfriend on Skype. I'll probably spend so much time talking to him that I won't learn Italian, and that's the way I want it."

Some people get married young or date the first person forever (who they met when they were seventeen) because they believe that person to be their soul mate.

"I had to get married at twenty. I had to do it because I met my soul mate when I was seventeen. And I can't just let my soul mate get away. I had to fold up my little soul mate wings and put them in my soul mate pocket. It's my soul mate!"

If you really believe there's only one person on this planet for you, I'm happy for you. But do you really think you're lucky enough that that person sits beside you in geography class? You think you're that lucky? Other people have to search the globe, and you just walk into a homeroom?

"Look at this! This is working out. I got a teacher, best friend, and a soul mate. It's all right here in this class. And this town has a Wal-Mart. I never have to leave!"

It seems really cute, right? It seems really cute to be with the same person you've been with since 'Pony' came out... to women, not all but some. I don't think I have met a man who thinks it's cute.

"Ah, look at that. That's the only woman who has ever touched him. That seems healthy."

"Yeah, man. I know what you mean. Just adorable. It's like watching 'All Dogs Go To Heaven' live. Wow. Moving."

"Moving... great choice of words. I'm gonna call up my first girlfriend and try to rekindle. Who am I kidding? She's clearly the best. I mean… we used to play pog together."

"You let a girl go who played pog? What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking about unhappiness for the rest of life, obviously. Don't rub it in, man."

Some people marry the first person due to religious beliefs. Really religious people think it's a good idea to only have sex with one person.

"Save yourself until marriage. That's what you should do. Save yourself!"

If you save yourself until marriage, that consummation will be awful. You are supposed to get the first one out of the way when you are in school.

"Okay, we have to be quick. The school bus is coming and I still have to pack my lunch. Are you ready?"

"...I'm already finished."

"...Oh, so THAT'S what it is? Do we smoke a cigarette now?"

Do people who decide to play basketball just start in the NBA? No. There are years of training before you see someone who makes it look easy. These two people haven't even practiced once and are going to go full tilt on a wedding night? Two people who have no idea what they are doing, charged up on 'saving themselves' energy that has been building for twenty something years, are going to figure this out on the biggest day of their lives?

"Does everyone have the directions to the chapel?"

"Yes."

"The cake, catering and band are all ready for the reception?"

"Yes, yes. Everything is good."

"That's great. Um... are WE ready to engage in intercourse when this whole thing is done?"

"Damn right! I have pamphlets and my favorite stuffed animal 'King Fluffy'. It can't be any harder than waiting hours for Harry Potter tickets. We'll figure it out."

For people who have only had one partner for their entire life, it seems completely great and normal.

"You've had MORE than one partner? Are you insane? Why have more than one in your life? Penguins only have one. My great, great grandparents only had one. God only had one! You think you're better than penguins, my great, great grandparents and God!"

Of course it seems great to these people because a mind will adjust. That is what the mind does. It adapts to situations. Ever hear those stories of people who have been kidnapped by family members and locked in a crawl space for fifteen years? And then they get out? Their mind helped them deal with that! In some magic way, they were able to realize that that was what their life was for the time being.

"How did I live inside a furnace for all these years? It wasn't really that hard. The first year was rough, then I just got used to it. I realized that I was able to sleep all summer because who uses heat in the summer? But the winter? Whoa. Pretty hot in there. And once you polish off the first years worth of fish heads – they don't get any better, but it's all you have."

I will never let my kids marry the first person they date.

"Dad, I want to marry Sarah."

"...You're eighteen?"

"Yes."

"And she is your first girlfriend?"

"Yes. You know this, dad. We've been dating since I was sixteen."

"And that's why you can't do it. When I was fourteen..."

"Dad, you've told me this story millions of times. You met a girl, she touched you, you thought you were going to be together forever, but that's not what happened. You told me every night for eight years!"

"I'm still upset by it, okay?! I'm still upset! ...Do you think she misses me?"

"...God, dad."

Everyone should have to date at least five people before they get married. That's it. Not thousands, not hundreds. Just date five. You could even still get married to the first person you were with, but just look around a little before you do so. It should be a rule.

"We are gathered here today to join these two in holy matrimony and if... wait. I forgot to ask one very important question. You guys have dated other people, right?"

"No, sir. We met on a playground at five and we’ve never looked back."

"Ah... this part of my job is so hard. Can't marry you, guys. Wish I could, but rules are rules. Have to have dated at least five people to be sure of this one."

"Really?"

"Hey, I don't come up with these. A decently run society does. Show's over, folks! Make sure you grab your wedding gift on the way out and take it back! These two people, who have never dated anyone else, think they're in love."

"Never dated anyone else? And you sent out invitations to this farce? I thought I loved my Betamax until the VCR came out! God, just ridiculous. By the way, 'love birds', hope you guys weren't looking forward to a Betamax. The priest told me to take back my gift."

Twitter@nathanmacintosh

White men are cloning.

All white men have started to look identical. Am I out of line here? Look around the city you live in and tell me I'm wrong. Not even 'Hey, you kinda look like him.' Nope. It's as if all white men are from the same mother.

"Hey, man. Are all your brothers at Comic-Con with you?"

"I don't have any brothers."

"What!? Whoa. That's weird, man. These guys all look like you! Are you sure your mom didn't have like twenty thousand kids she didn't tell you about?"

"I'm sure if my mother had had that many kids I would have met at least one of them."

"Whoa! Now you're over here? Man, I thought THAT guy was you. I was wondering how you threw your voice."

"I'm right here."

"You did it again!"

White men almost all look identical today and there are a few common threads that make this so.

One of these commonalities is a beard. The beard trend has become huge amongst white men. You can't go anywhere without seeing them. There haven't been this many beards on white men since the 1850's gold rush.

"'Scuse me, fellow gold sifter, but do you happen to know where an honest, work-a-day prospector like myself could do a little prospectin'?"

"I have no idea. I know I have a beard and I look like I pan for gold as I am also currently barefoot, but I am just a man who works at the Apple store."

"The Apple store? Can't believe there is now a store that just sells apples. I haven't had an apple in years. 'Spose that's why the doctors been a chasing me! (<cough cough>) Well, ol' Prospect Pete here is gonna hit the hills. If you ever want to go diving for gold, you have the look."

White men want beards so bad, even white men who can't grow one or don't look like they should have a beard have one. Beards used to just be for bikers, bad guy wrestlers and villains from eighties action movies. Now? There are a lot of patchy, wispy beards on twelve-year-old looking men.

"Okay, don't freak out, but I think there are about twelve bee legs stuck to your face."

"It's a beard, okay?! A beard!"

"...You sure it's not bee legs? Beards usually cover the whole face... and bee legs are sometimes known to explode off of a bee and stick to a humans fa... either way. Looks great."

Laziness had to be a factor at first. White men just didn't want to shave.

"These kids on Xbox LIVE can't see me, so what am I shaving for? That's right, me, I ain't! Deal with that, face! My face!"

I, at one point, also had a beard. Then one night I had a show. There were three white men with beards on before me, and then I had to go up as if we didn't all look like a special task force.

"Those guys? No. We are not part of a comedy troupe called 'The Beards That Can' that for some reason performs one at a time. I know it looks that way. As if we all share a van and travel together, but we don't!"

I shaved it the next day. Way too many beards in the beard game. I had to get out.

For some reason as well, the beard is usually coupled with the tiniest body on the planet. A sixty-seven pound white man will have a thick beard and barely the strength to carry it. They have a face that says they'll cut down a tree, and in most cases, arms that say they couldn't even climb one.

"Dude, you're looking pretty rugged."

"Thanks, man. Pretty sweet beard, huh?"

"Yeah, man. From the neck up – woodsman. From the neck down – twelve-year-old girl held captive in Libya. Not a bad look by any means, but man, your beard might weigh more than your chest."

"...What? ...Sorry, I didn't hear you. These crippling hunger pains sometimes block my hearing."

"Do you want a sandwich, man?"

"No way. It'll crumble all over my sweet beard."

Why are we becoming so small? Have white men decided to not eat as some sort of self-punishment for how well we've had it for so long?

"Guys, look. You know while we sit here at this cottage, eating burgers that have cheese infused inside and drinking a limitless supply of beer, there are people on this planet who don't even have ONE burger? Let alone a cheese infused one?"

"...That's nuts. Do they have beer?"

"That's it. I'm not eating anymore. Not until all is right with the world. I've had it white and right for too long. This time next year, I'll have lost half of myself!"

"Are you gonna finish that cheese infused burger?"

"Yes! This all starts tomorrow. Crank up The Hip!"

Along with beards and baby frames, white men have also decided that there is going to be one shoe that we all should wear. That shoe? A pirate shoe. Ah, the pirate shoes. You know the ones I mean. You've seen them. The 'dress' shoes that have buckles on them? Or better yet, the actual pirate boots that have buckles that are worn with tight pants or jeans? Jeans! Imagine. Wearing a pirate boot without a swashbuckling sword on your hip, or a satchel of doubloons in your pocket! A boot that was left over from the wardrobe department of 'Pirates of the Caribbean'.

"Cut! That's a wrap! Good work, everyone! That's movie number three in the can. What a shoot, huh guys? Everyone give your costumes back to the costume department."

"Um, sir? I don't know if you have noticed, but there is a group of barefoot white men outside who are screaming for the boots?"

"The boots? I thought they were here for Keira Knightley?"

"Well, yes, her too, sir. But they are much too afraid to talk to her without the, as they put it, 'Magical powers of the mystical and enchanting pirate boot'."

"...Hmmm ...Well, I guess… throw them over the fence. Wait, white men want these boots? I'm a white man! They must know something I don't know! I won't miss this boat. Give me a pirate boot!"

Paired with the beard, the pirate shoe, and the emaciated death body, is almost undoubtedly a plaid shirt. The plaid shirt is as important to the beard-having, pirate-shoe-wearing, 'not gonna eat until I'm the same weight as a toddler in a tiara' white man as the cape is to Batman. You'll never see Batman without his cape.

"Sir, I'm sorry. I seem to have misplaced all your capes."

"Okay, well, until you find them, Gotham will just burn."

"Sir! You can't do that! Innocent people need your help!"

"'Innocent people need your help'. God, I didn't lose my capes, Alfred. Okay? You did. Innocent people die; it's your fault. I'm gonna go out there without my cape? Does a cop hit the streets without a gun? Do you play basketball without a ball? I'm eating these Doritos. Let me know when you find them."

Just like Batman needs his cape, it doesn't seem that white men can leave their house without plaid anymore.

"Honey, have you seen my plaid shirts?"

"Yeah. I took them to the dry cleaners."

"You took two full closets worth of plaid to the cleaners? What the hell is wrong with you? I have such a busy week! What am I going to wear to the bar? Or the wedding I have to go to? Or my graduation? Or my dad's funeral? Or that job interview I have? Did you even think about these things!"

Soon, the plaid shirt will replace the actual color white as the sign of the race. That will be what you have to answer when filling out a form.

"Hmmm, what race am I? Latino, African American, Plaid. Well, I'm not wearing a Latino shirt!"

A lot of times, the plaid shirt isn't even enough. Maybe it's a little chilly out or you just want to show off buttons. So what do you put on? A cardigan. This one makes me upset. Why? Because I used to love cardigans. I started wearing them a while ago. Then I started to notice that a few others were wearing them. Until one day, I decided I had to get out of the cardigan game. I walked into a place and boom! Cardigans everywhere. As if we had all decided beforehand that we were going to start a boy band.

"Okay, guys, N'Sync was pretty cool, right? Why don't we do something like that?"

"Yeah! What will we wear, though?"

"Can I not be Joey?"

"Sure, whatever. I don't know. Has to be all the same thing, but with just slightly different colors. Maybe something to keep us warm on an already warm night... I got it! Cardigans!"

"Cardigans! That's great! I love cardigans!"

"Can I not be Joey?"

"Shut up, Steve, or you're not in Cardi-garden."

"Man, great name!"

"Thank you. It just came to me!"

Have white men decided that we're all going to band together? As some sort of super unit? Like the Power Rangers? If we all wear the same things, we'll form into one giant, super white person?

"We can't morph until we ALL are wearing the same thing! Someone get that baby a plaid diaper! We'll all be one and listening to Radiohead in no time! On three. One, two, three... Caucasian stampede!"

"...It didn't work..."

"There must be a white man out there who still thinks it's 2003 and is wearing a jersey! Hunt him down and KILL HIM!"

Was there one white man who decided that if you were in this race, there was one look we all have to go with? Was it Zach Galifianakis?

"Hello, every white man. As you know, over the last few years, I have become very popular and made a lot of money."

"How'd you do it! What's your secret! Can you teach us?!"

"Calm down. I gathered this convention of all the Caucasian race to give you my secrets."

"Is it being funny? That's it, right!"

"Security! Take this one out of here."

"Nooooo! I'm sorry! You can't throw me out there with nothing! Teach me! TEACH ME!" (<Security throws man through a door. >)

"...Now that he's gone, let's get to it. The secret to white man's success from here on out is A BEARD AND PLAID!"

(Gasps)

"I know. At first I didn't believe it either. But once I grew a beard and obtained a plaid shirt, the world really opened up for me. So to succeed, you must all wear plaid!"

"...Um ...I don't mean to be rude here, I mean, I'm happy about the conference and everything, but... I'm not a fan of plaid."

"Not a fan of plaid? Are you a fan of being an outcast? Of being an outsider? Of not fitting into the white race anymore! That's the territory you are walking, my friend!"

You cannot tell these people apart. Women dating these guys must lose them all the time.

"Hey, where did you go? Ninety percent of the guys in this bar look like you! Oh well, I'll just grab this man here. I'm sure he's in love with The Beatles as well."

"Hey, Christine! I'm actually your boyfriend! Remember we were here a couple of weeks ago? Well, you left without me?"

"Really? Wow. That other guy looked just like you! I wondered why though he couldn't remember where the Juiceman Juicer was."

"In the cabinet on top of..."

"The fridge! Oh, I've missed you. Please don't go get a drink without me. I never want to mistake you for literally any other man on the planet again."

I don't really understand how men don't care about this at all. If a woman walks into a place and sees that another woman has her exact outfit on, she at least notices. Depending on the situation, she might be upset.

"Oh, God. She has the exact same dress as me! Damn. Now I have to fake an illness and leave or 'accidentally' spill wine on her so she leaves. This place does have an open bar... accident it is!"

Do men not have that at all? Not even in the slightest? Just have the ability to walk into a room, notice every other man looks exactly like you do, and not care? I'm surprised they're not speaking in unison.

"The best Beatle by FAR is John Lennon. I mean for one, look at him? He's got the hair, the mysterious look in his eye. He's all for world peace. Way better than Paul."

"...Ashley, am I crazy, or did those two men just stare into each other's eyes and say the exact same words to each other?"

"No, Sarah. You're not crazy. It may be time to go back to dating jocks."

If you are a white man with a beard, a plaid shirt, a cardigan and pirate shoes, look at yourself in the mirror and tell me if you can even see yourself.

"Whoa! That's weird. I see Tim and Chris and Jeff and my brother, but... I don't see me. Well, I guess I'll just do the chant three times. I am different. I am different. I am diff... no I'm not."