The world really seems to likes lists. Just about all articles now
have become lists. In every paper, every
magazine, on every site where something can be written, you'll find
lists. Most of them are about ridiculous things.
ways you know you're eating a sandwich', '12 ways to get into a
parking spot', '47 people you have met in the dairy aisle', '13.5
things that only happen to people with straight hair', '75 ways to
approach the girl at the bar who already told you that she won't give
you her number and to please leave her alone'.
lists. Everywhere! For some reason they also insult you at times.
People who write a list that is subjective will make fun of you for
not agreeing with them.
you don't like number 4 on my Top 21 bosses from Megaman list you are
an idiot! This isn't opinion. This is fact! What are you , stupid?
You don't think that Snakeman is the 4th greatest Megaman boss of all
time?! Well, just blow me, bud!"
People seems to like these, so I
figured I would give people a bit of what they want. I've written a
list article about a ridiculous thing and insulted you throughout.
ways to get your loser self out of your house."
your computer threw a wall because that's what's keeping you inside.
you want to go outside, but you've fallen into a worm hole on
YouTube. You started out listening to your favourite rapper. Then,
some how, you found yourself watching 'drive-thru fight' videos.
"I'll just watch one more man slam a woman’s head of the
drive-thru window for not giving him his nuggets, THEN I'll go
outside" you say, but four hours go by. You've watched so many,
you've started to agree with all of the maniacs who dragon kick
sixteen year old kids wearing headsets making four dollars an hour.
Then these get boring, so some crazy way, you find yourself on
'biggest pimple' videos. How'd this happen? You were about to go
outside! It's your damn computer! You can do anything on it. Watch
naked people do naked things, learn a new language, or just stream
that movie that you can't get to see because you won't leave your
house. Solution? Throw your computer threw a wall. There you go,
stupid! Pick it up, and huck it at a wall! Sure it cost a bunch of
money, but's it's taking your soul! What would you do if you were in
the Mortal Kombat tournament and Shang Tsung was stealing your
essence? You'd uppercut him and finish him by cutting him in half?
Same thing. Finish your computer!
all of the snacks you keep buying outside of your house.
keep going to the kitchen for chips, cookies, popsicles. I don't know
what you buy, dummy. That's you! Couch to fridge, couch to fridge and
back again. There's no outside here! Solution? Take a cooler outside
and fill it with your dirt food. Boom! Now every time you want Triple
Chunk Chocolate Chip cookies and that Cheeseburger Flavoured Fanta,
you actually have to take your stupid self out into a world where
people can yell at you and bugs can bite you. Now look at you! The
guy across the street who you've always hated just called you a piece
of garbage and you're running from bees, but you're OUTSIDE! That's
the whole point of this article, so... suck it!
you're looking for an alternative to the door? Go out the window!
EVERYONE uses doors. Everybody! Even the coolest of the cool use
their stupid hands to turn a doorknob and swing a piece of wood out
of their way. Kanye, Jay-Z, Bill Clinton, Jason Statham. All of these
hacks use doors. Laaaaaammmmmmeeee! You want to be cool, you have to
stand out, and why not stand out while also getting the hell out of
your house! Time to crawl out a window like a boss. Sure, it'll look
at first like you're climbing out of a window like a boss who just
found out that his company is going under and doesn't want to face
any of his employees, but hey, what do those losers know!? You're a
trend setter. Soon, ALL of the cool people will use the window.
Please. I'm somebody. Roll the window of the car down and I'll shimmy
in like I'm sneaking back into my moms house when I was sixteen
after a night of drinking”.
live above the second floor? Great! Not only do you get to climb out
of your window, you also get to see if a sheet makes a good
parachute. Here's hoping.
get out of your house? Get evicted!
you're looking for a way out of your house. You can't find a good
enough reason. I mean, INside you have air conditioning, every
Leprechaun on NetFlix, and your collection of bottle caps. You can't
get out of the house! Well, just stop paying rent. That's right, stop
paying it! You can't be in a house if you don't have one. You stop
paying rent, your landlord will kick you out. Maybe he's kind of a
coward so he won't do it, but he'll call the cops and they'll throw
you and your junk onto the street like Uncle Phil throwing Jazzy
Jeff. There you go. You've done it! Now you are living on the street!
No more fighting to get outside. It's your house!
it on fire.
YOU like being in a house that's on fire? Unless you are Ghost Rider,
probably not. Can't seem to get motivated enough to get up off the
couch and hit the gym? Simply take a bill that you didn't want to pay
anyway, light if off of the stove and throw it onto the recycling
you've been meaning to take out. Boom! Now you have a raging inferno
in your kitchen that will spread through out the house quickly if you
spray some WD-40 on it. Boom! House is on fire. You have to get out
or you're going to die. You did it! You're outside. Now go to the
gym, and try not to think about all of your belongings being engulfed
in flames. Probably for the best anyway. You had WAY too many
get out, bud!
just get the hell out of your house! I mean, what's stopping you? You
know those things you have underneath you? Or dangling from a chair
while you stare out a window wondering what happened to your
cigarettes? They're called legs! They are used to move from place to
place. Just stand on em, and kick them out in front of each other.
That's it! Put some shoes on them as well if you plan on going into
any establishment at all. You don't have legs that work? Well, you
probably have crutches, or a cane, or a wheelchair that does. You
have stairs and no one is around to help you down? Just throw
yourself down them and crawl for the door! Man, do I have to figure
out everything for you?