Tipping.
In North America, tipping is a custom. The way we've structured it, we have to tip all kinds of people for all kinds of things. Most importantly though? People who work in restaurants and bars. Tipping used to be solely for service you enjoyed. Tipping now though is pretty much demanded of you. It's not an option. You don't tip? You'll be cast out of society and forced to walk alone like Judge Dredd. The main reason it's demanded of us is that the people working at these places are paid next to nothing. Okay.
If that's the main argument, then that war is not between humans walking around and servers. It's higher ups dictating what servers make, then what we should do to compensate, and making us fight each other. It's not our fault that you are paid below minimum wage, and it's not your fault that your lively hood is dependent on strangers that come into your work. Why are you not paid a decent human wage? It's done in other parts of the world. One major problem nobody talks about is, why the hell are you paid below minimum wage? Why! Why is that never an issue?
"You have to tip. Do you know what he makes? If he works an eight hour shift, he makes like twenty seven bucks."
"That's crazy. Why?"
"Why? What do you mean, why? Just give him some goddamn money. What are you, an animal? He's gotta eat!"
"Sure. But I was just wondering why he is paid below minimum wage. Isn't that the whole point of minimum wage? That is the minimum that you are allowed to be pai..."
"Look, if you're too cheap to tip, don't tip. Just know there's a special place in hell for you. And it has more fire than you can imagine!"
Why are servers paid below minimum wage?! Why is that allowed to be!? So people are tipping because we feel horrible that the government refuses to pay you what someone at McDonalds makes? Why aren't they tipped? They're doing almost the same thing. They are serving the public in an establishment that's disgusting compared to your restaurant. People yell at them constantly. People fight almost daily in the place that they work. We don't tip people who work at McDonalds, though. Why? Because they are paid minimum wage! Why the hell aren't servers paid minimum wage, and because of that is it up to the public to make up for it? Was that that easy of an argument?
"You're hired! Also, you'll be paid half of what minimum wage is."
"What? Why?"
"Oh, because the good people that come in our are obligated to give you money. They just have to."
"Ohhhh. Makes sense. And when they don't, I'll hate them and this whole world for the rest of time."
"There you go. Now you're getting it."
When servers get mad at the people that didn't tip them, I find that hilarious. You can't yell at someone for not tipping you. That's not how tipping works. Yes, that is the only way you actually make a real amount of money, but you chose this job. A lot of the time you get tipped, sometimes you don't. You can't yell at people who don't. I used to sell shoes at Adidas. I can't yell at a guy for not buying them.
"Naw, I'm not gonna get them."
"What do you mean you're not going to get them? You wanted to try them on, didn't you? I was nice, wasn't I? I went and got them and told you how cool they looked on you? What the hell do you mean you don't want them!"
"I just don't want them, man. I thought I did but I don't."
"Ohhhhhhh. You THOUGHT you did? Well, maybe next time I'll THOUGHT about not getting you a pair of shoes. GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR!"
Yelling at a guy who didn't tip you is one step away from just begging him for money. Sometimes homeless people yell at you when they ask you for money and you don't give it to them. Why? Because YOU are the only way they make money. You, the person walking by. Same as a server or bartender. The only way they make money is if you give it to them. If you don't tip and they yell, they're one short move away from just begging for it.
"No tip, huh? Really? You can go to hell!"
"I'm sorry, man. I just didn't like what you were doing."
"Ah, come on, man. I need this money. I haven't eaten in weeks. Just a dollar. Just gimme a dollar."
"I just don't have it, man. Sorry."
"Ah, screw you, then. You think you're better than me? I wasn't always on this side of the bar, you know. You ain't better than me! Keep walking, pound of wings. Keep walking."
A lot of servers and bartenders say they hate people. That's hilarious. People pay you! You only make money from people. What you mean to say is that you like six people, and that you hate every person you serve. If servers are allowed to hate people the way they do, why can't people hate servers and not tip them? It's against the law to not like service? When tipping is optional, can we the people just not like you, the server, and decide not to tip you?
"Why didn't you tip me?"
"Why didn't you come back to this table more than once?"
"... Because I don't like your face."
"Same."
I do think people should be tipped, but not just because. Here are some reasons servers should not be tipped.
1. Not splitting up the bills because they say, 'Our machine does not do that.'
Are you serious? It doesn't do that? They all spit out receipts louder than anything. And we all know, they can do it. If the machine that they have at an Applebee's can do it, I'm sure the machine you're using at this Moxie's can also make it happen. Just say you don't want to do it. People would respect you more. What stupid manager told you to tell the customers "our machines don't do that"? They should be fired, and you shouldn't be tipped.
2. They have a terrible default face.
You know the face you're making when you're not making a face at all? That's your default face. The face that just happens across your face when you are doing nothing. Some people's default face makes them look like they want to and do kick kids. It's hard to want to tip that person.
3. Because they poured you a beer.
The beer is right there. Right there. You take a glass, move your hand down, pull a lever, beer happens. It's the same as getting a glass of water. You didn't mix anything. You didn't even turn around. It's really the easiest thing you could possibly do behind a bar. Unless someone said, "Hey. Can you just get me a glass of you standing there doing nothing?". Opening a bottle of beer is ever less. You hand someone a bottle of beer? No way you should be tipped for that.
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
If that's the main argument, then that war is not between humans walking around and servers. It's higher ups dictating what servers make, then what we should do to compensate, and making us fight each other. It's not our fault that you are paid below minimum wage, and it's not your fault that your lively hood is dependent on strangers that come into your work. Why are you not paid a decent human wage? It's done in other parts of the world. One major problem nobody talks about is, why the hell are you paid below minimum wage? Why! Why is that never an issue?
"You have to tip. Do you know what he makes? If he works an eight hour shift, he makes like twenty seven bucks."
"That's crazy. Why?"
"Why? What do you mean, why? Just give him some goddamn money. What are you, an animal? He's gotta eat!"
"Sure. But I was just wondering why he is paid below minimum wage. Isn't that the whole point of minimum wage? That is the minimum that you are allowed to be pai..."
"Look, if you're too cheap to tip, don't tip. Just know there's a special place in hell for you. And it has more fire than you can imagine!"
Why are servers paid below minimum wage?! Why is that allowed to be!? So people are tipping because we feel horrible that the government refuses to pay you what someone at McDonalds makes? Why aren't they tipped? They're doing almost the same thing. They are serving the public in an establishment that's disgusting compared to your restaurant. People yell at them constantly. People fight almost daily in the place that they work. We don't tip people who work at McDonalds, though. Why? Because they are paid minimum wage! Why the hell aren't servers paid minimum wage, and because of that is it up to the public to make up for it? Was that that easy of an argument?
"You're hired! Also, you'll be paid half of what minimum wage is."
"What? Why?"
"Oh, because the good people that come in our are obligated to give you money. They just have to."
"Ohhhh. Makes sense. And when they don't, I'll hate them and this whole world for the rest of time."
"There you go. Now you're getting it."
When servers get mad at the people that didn't tip them, I find that hilarious. You can't yell at someone for not tipping you. That's not how tipping works. Yes, that is the only way you actually make a real amount of money, but you chose this job. A lot of the time you get tipped, sometimes you don't. You can't yell at people who don't. I used to sell shoes at Adidas. I can't yell at a guy for not buying them.
"Naw, I'm not gonna get them."
"What do you mean you're not going to get them? You wanted to try them on, didn't you? I was nice, wasn't I? I went and got them and told you how cool they looked on you? What the hell do you mean you don't want them!"
"I just don't want them, man. I thought I did but I don't."
"Ohhhhhhh. You THOUGHT you did? Well, maybe next time I'll THOUGHT about not getting you a pair of shoes. GOOD DAY TO YOU, SIR!"
Yelling at a guy who didn't tip you is one step away from just begging him for money. Sometimes homeless people yell at you when they ask you for money and you don't give it to them. Why? Because YOU are the only way they make money. You, the person walking by. Same as a server or bartender. The only way they make money is if you give it to them. If you don't tip and they yell, they're one short move away from just begging for it.
"No tip, huh? Really? You can go to hell!"
"I'm sorry, man. I just didn't like what you were doing."
"Ah, come on, man. I need this money. I haven't eaten in weeks. Just a dollar. Just gimme a dollar."
"I just don't have it, man. Sorry."
"Ah, screw you, then. You think you're better than me? I wasn't always on this side of the bar, you know. You ain't better than me! Keep walking, pound of wings. Keep walking."
A lot of servers and bartenders say they hate people. That's hilarious. People pay you! You only make money from people. What you mean to say is that you like six people, and that you hate every person you serve. If servers are allowed to hate people the way they do, why can't people hate servers and not tip them? It's against the law to not like service? When tipping is optional, can we the people just not like you, the server, and decide not to tip you?
"Why didn't you tip me?"
"Why didn't you come back to this table more than once?"
"... Because I don't like your face."
"Same."
I do think people should be tipped, but not just because. Here are some reasons servers should not be tipped.
1. Not splitting up the bills because they say, 'Our machine does not do that.'
Are you serious? It doesn't do that? They all spit out receipts louder than anything. And we all know, they can do it. If the machine that they have at an Applebee's can do it, I'm sure the machine you're using at this Moxie's can also make it happen. Just say you don't want to do it. People would respect you more. What stupid manager told you to tell the customers "our machines don't do that"? They should be fired, and you shouldn't be tipped.
2. They have a terrible default face.
You know the face you're making when you're not making a face at all? That's your default face. The face that just happens across your face when you are doing nothing. Some people's default face makes them look like they want to and do kick kids. It's hard to want to tip that person.
3. Because they poured you a beer.
The beer is right there. Right there. You take a glass, move your hand down, pull a lever, beer happens. It's the same as getting a glass of water. You didn't mix anything. You didn't even turn around. It's really the easiest thing you could possibly do behind a bar. Unless someone said, "Hey. Can you just get me a glass of you standing there doing nothing?". Opening a bottle of beer is ever less. You hand someone a bottle of beer? No way you should be tipped for that.
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
6 ways you know you're eating a sandwich.
You know, for some reason, in this topsy turvy world, people do not always know what they are eating. I hear people all the time, 'What the hell is this? What did I order? What in the goddam hell is in my stupid mouth right now?!' Well, I don't know about other foods, but I can tell you when you are eating a sandwich. Here are six ways to know how.
6 Ways You Know You're Eating A Sandwich.
1. It's on some kind of bread.
There are only some foods that are consistently on bread. Is spaghetti on bread? Who knows. It's your spaghetti. Do you need to wrap wings in pita before you take a bite? Absolutely not. Is there a rye bread involved with eating cookies? Most of the time, no. If what you're eating is contained inside of some sort of bread, it is probably a sandwich. That is pretty much what a sandwich is. Some junk between pieces of bread. Or junk wrapped up in a wrap. Or some trash thrown into some sort of tortilla. Whatever that garbage may be. You can put anything you want into a sandwich, but if what you throw together is between pieces of things made with wheat? That there, long haul trucker, is a sandwich.
"I'm a dog sandwich. That's how this whole thing works."
2. You are picking it up with your hands to eat it.
2. You are picking it up with your hands to eat it.
Sandwiches are eaten with your hands. Just about every time. You could put it in a bowl and eat it with a spoon. Would be very strange. You could use a knife and a fork, but if you do that you probably own a horse and are a white woman from Connecticut. A white woman from Connecticut is NOT a sandwich. Let's get that straight. 'But cookies are eaten with your hands,' you say, and chips, and many other things. Is this really a sandwich I'm eating or is it a bag of Sour Patch Kids? Good question. Again, if you refer to way number one, ask yourself if what you are holding is between bread. It is? Then that there, go-kart operator, is a sandwich.
"I said, get me a fork. My hands are for reading books about why a ten year old would have this serious a face."
3. You ordered a sandwich.
3. You ordered a sandwich.
This is a pretty sure giveaway to figuring out what you're eating. A server came to your table and asked, 'What do you want?' You scream, 'Club sandwich!' You probably yelled because you were so nervous that you would make a mistake and order something else. Maybe potatoes. Maybe a garden salad. So before your mind started coming up with other food options, you screamed 'Club sandwich!' so that you'd get one. The server is startled, but puts in the order. Your food comes minutes later. Wondering what it is? No need to, crop duster. You yelled sandwich. You got sandwich.
"So you're telling me that if I order a sandwich I will get a sandwich? Must be magic."
4. It came with chips.
4. It came with chips.
When you order a steak, it doesn't come with chips. Cordon Bleu does not come with chips. Unless you ordered a lobster from a vending machine, no chips will be beside it. If you are stumped as to what you are eating, look at what came with it. If it is some kind of plain potato chip, that is probably a sandwich. It might be a hamburger or a hot dog. Those also have bread and have to be eaten with your hands. By this criteria, those are basically just different shaped sandwiches. Let's not get into that. Really nice meals don't come with chips. Enough said, book shelf repair man.
"Sure, whatever. I guess you can have Fruit By The Foot with your Duck a l'Orange. It's your personal fun house tonight!"
5. You have to keep putting it back together.
5. You have to keep putting it back together.
So the thing you are eating keeps falling apart. Tomatoes are blowing out of it. Bacon is making a jump for it every chance it gets. Mayo is falling all over the place. You can't figure out what it is because basically, in today's busy world, who has time to figure out what they're eating? Well, this is clearly a sandwich. Look, what else falls apart and contains tomatoes and bacon? Cereal? Fig Newtons? Bananas? I think not. Even if you were EATING a tomato, tomato wouldn't be blowing out of it. What you are eating, fair doctor, is a sandwich. Unless you are eating a salad with your hands. If that's the case, it's time to go back to school.
"There we go. A nice, comfortable sandwich for you to sleep in. I mean, crib. A nice comfortable crib for you to... what the hell is this thing? Whatever. I'm getting a sandwich. Flip your thing over and sleep in it."
6. Someone yells, 'Hey, how's that sandwich!'
6. Someone yells, 'Hey, how's that sandwich!'
You are eating something, and you have no idea what it is. You're enjoying it, but staring out the window of the restaurant wondering what the hell it is. Then some over-enthusiastic man walks by and yells, 'Hey! How's that sandwich?!' Now, there's no way the two of you have no idea what a sandwich is. He's probably onto something. First thing in this situation is to go, 'Oh yeah! That's what the hell this is!' Then, look that man in his face and say, 'This sandwich right here, toll booth guy? Is delicious.'
"I just want to know how your sandwiches were!"
"They we're probably pretty great if we are keeping behind this fence. Now shut up!"
"They we're probably pretty great if we are keeping behind this fence. Now shut up!"
5 reasons men don't want to go to your wedding.
Summer time is wedding time. Tons of people feel that because it's warm outside, they are going to show their love for each other and get married. We'll, just so every one knows, men don't want to go. Just about never. Unless we're the best man, or a brother, and even then, probably not. Here are a few reasons why.
1. It's not at our house.
You want us to go to your wedding, but you didn't make it easy for us to get to it. It's hours away. Wait, it's a flight away? Are you serious? Haven't been on vacation in years, but we're gonna book a flight to your destination wedding? Most men don't want to go anywhere. 9 times out of 10 men would rather do whatever can be done outside in their house. If you WANT a man to WANT to go, bring the wedding to their house. If you call a man to come to your house, what's one of the first things he says? 'Why don't you come to my house?' Every time. Always. Without fail. Bring the wedding to us, we'll be happy to go. Maybe our kitchen isn't the best place to express your love for each other, but we'll be there.
"Hey, guys, thanks for getting married on my train to work. I really appreciate you not making me go out of my way. My stops next, so, hurry up and kiss the bride."
2. It's too far in advance.
You're in love, and will be for a couple of years until you start to hate everything. You decide to get married. Not today, of course, you have to plan such an event. So you decide to get married married in a year and a half. You send invitations to everyone you know. 'Save the date! Aug 16th 2017. It's gonna be great!' How the hell can someone know where they will be that far from now? How can someone other than you stay excited for something that long? That is two full calendars away! The best case scenario is that when the date does come around, our lives have so little going on that we don't have to cancel anything to be able to go. Men don't like to plan that far in advance. Most of us don't like making plans on a Monday for Saturday.
"6 whole days? Come on, man. I have NO idea what'll be going on then."
You want men to want to go? Book your wedding for tonight or tomorrow night. We're in.
"Yep. 'Chris and Sarah's Wedding. June 7th, 2017'. If I don't get it tattooed on me I'll never remember. Hey, you think you could put flames around it? That'd be tits."
3. We want to sleep with the bride.
Yep. It's out of the bag. We want to sleep with the bride. We've wanted to sleep with her the minute we saw her. She's great. Always smiling, always telling great stories. She once was getting out of a pool and a boob flopped out of her suit. Well, that cinched it. We want to see the other one. If we go, we're going to stand way to close to you when you take her garter off and throw it. We'll basically jump right in your face to catch it. Maybe even just go, 'Hey, I'll take that garter.' That won't look good, so we're staying away.
"I'm the man. I'm gonna go home and make love to this thing. Wait, no, that's not what I... I'm out of here. Thank you, Jesus!"
4. We want to sleep with the groom.
"Now THIS is a wedding we can get behind! We're so comfortable and relaxed at this wedding. I wonder what the bride will be wearing? A Snuggie? Bathrobe? More champagne, please!"
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
1. It's not at our house.
You want us to go to your wedding, but you didn't make it easy for us to get to it. It's hours away. Wait, it's a flight away? Are you serious? Haven't been on vacation in years, but we're gonna book a flight to your destination wedding? Most men don't want to go anywhere. 9 times out of 10 men would rather do whatever can be done outside in their house. If you WANT a man to WANT to go, bring the wedding to their house. If you call a man to come to your house, what's one of the first things he says? 'Why don't you come to my house?' Every time. Always. Without fail. Bring the wedding to us, we'll be happy to go. Maybe our kitchen isn't the best place to express your love for each other, but we'll be there.
2. It's too far in advance.
You're in love, and will be for a couple of years until you start to hate everything. You decide to get married. Not today, of course, you have to plan such an event. So you decide to get married married in a year and a half. You send invitations to everyone you know. 'Save the date! Aug 16th 2017. It's gonna be great!' How the hell can someone know where they will be that far from now? How can someone other than you stay excited for something that long? That is two full calendars away! The best case scenario is that when the date does come around, our lives have so little going on that we don't have to cancel anything to be able to go. Men don't like to plan that far in advance. Most of us don't like making plans on a Monday for Saturday.
"6 whole days? Come on, man. I have NO idea what'll be going on then."
You want men to want to go? Book your wedding for tonight or tomorrow night. We're in.
3. We want to sleep with the bride.
Yep. It's out of the bag. We want to sleep with the bride. We've wanted to sleep with her the minute we saw her. She's great. Always smiling, always telling great stories. She once was getting out of a pool and a boob flopped out of her suit. Well, that cinched it. We want to see the other one. If we go, we're going to stand way to close to you when you take her garter off and throw it. We'll basically jump right in your face to catch it. Maybe even just go, 'Hey, I'll take that garter.' That won't look good, so we're staying away.
4. We want to sleep with the groom.
Yep. It's out of the bag. We want to sleep with the groom. We've been hiding it well, but we're actually gay. We've been looking at the groom for years now. He's always smiling. Telling great stories. He was getting out of a car one time in bike shorts and a ball fell out. Well, that cinched it. We wanted to see the other one. We do want to see him in that tux looking all cute, but we can't deal with the fact that he's marrying a damn woman! It's so hard to get a straight man to leave these women alone we've noticed. We won't be at the wedding, but we will be there to listen to all your 'Man, marriage sucks!' stories, hoping that you'll get drunk enough to take your pants off.
"Oh, marriage sucks, huh? Yeah, she's always on your back. Why don't you take your shirt off? It'll probably make you less drunk."
5. It's on a Sunday, and we can't wear sweatpants.
Your wedding is never in the middle of the week. Nobody books a 'hump day' wedding. There's no 'Tying the Knot Tuesday!' Always on a Sunday. Sundays are for chilling. Chilling is for sweatpants. Unless you have some sort of wrestling theme to your festivities, chances are we have to put on dress pants. Men don't like putting on dress pants on days that they want to chill. Dress pants are the opposite of chill.5. It's on a Sunday, and we can't wear sweatpants.
Twitter @nathanmacintosh