6 reasons Breaking Bad is better than your relationship.
Breaking Bad has come back, and your relationship has never left. It's still here, being underwhelming. Could it possibly be that Breaking Bad, with its excellent writing and acting, could be better than your relationship? Yes, and here are six reasons why.
1. Breaking Bad doesn't complain.
Your relationship used to be really fun. The two of you would laugh at old lines from Dumb And Dumber, hold hands while going through airport security, and literally agree on everything. Now? Not the same. It's just complaining and disagreeing.
'This food sucks.' 'Oh, maybe you can order better.' 'Well, I wouldn't choose John's Pizza and Chess Board Repair Shop!' 'Get off my back! I wanted pizza and needed the chess board fixed!'
'I hate how I look.' 'You look great.' 'What do you know, stupid? You're an idiot. I look bad to strangers. Obviously I look good to a person who sees me everyday.'
'That guy's a piece of garbage. Why do you talk to him?' 'Because he's my DAD! I've told you that!'
'Why couldn't you get hard?! You don't find me attractive?!' 'It had nothing to do with you, okay? It's been a weird day.'
Breaking Bad doesn't do that. Breaking Bad is fine with the food you've ordered, your dad, and always makes you sexually aroused.
"I don't care if Breaking Bad wouldn't complain about it! Breaking Bad didn't just get called for a foul it didn't commit!"
2. Breaking Bad doesn't suck in bed.
When your relationship started, the sex was great. Sometimes you didn't even wait to get home from Chili's. You just did it right there in the parking lot on a burrito wrapper. Now? You wait until you get home from that Chili's and it is not worth the wait. Nobody brings anything to bed. No enthusiasm at all. During, you both start to wish you still had just one last bite of the Spicy Grilled Shrimp Tacos you ordered. Man, they were good. Remember when this sex used to be? Breaking Bad always brings it when you take it to bed. You lay down with Breaking Bad, and you know you're getting its A game. It's not gonna hold out on that move you love until your birthday. Breaking Bad treats every night likes it's your birthday. Except The Fly episode. That one doesn't care if it's your double birthday.
"Wow. Today's my birthday, not Labour Day. I would love to know what he's tired from. Under-delivering? I feel like I just lost my whole family in an accident."
3. Breaking Bad can't drive, but if it could, it would have picked you up when it said it was going to.
So you get drunk beyond repair and are thrown out of a bar head first by a man who looks like a failed wrestler. Your shoes blow off, its raining, and you're so drunk pizza guys won't even serve you. You call your partner to come pick you up. They say, "Of course," they'll be there in ten minutes. Fifteen minutes go by. Then twenty. So much time goes by you start to sober up. By the time your partner does finally show, you're not even drunk anymore. You just have a headache and want waffles. Breaking Bad wouldn't have done that. It would have picked you up in ten minutes while you were still good and smashed, and entertained you the whole way home.
"You couldn't pick me up before I fell into this pile of trash? Breaking Bad put my shoes back on, that's who. No, leave me here! I want to prove a point! Plus, I landed on some magazines that are comfortable."
4. Breaking Bad isn't pressuring you into marrying it.
You've been in your relationship for awhile, and you can officially say that it's serious. It's serious because there is no more fun attached to it. None. Fun has been replaced with, 'When are we gonna get married? I need to get married. I'm on a schedule!' What fun! Your partner's twenty nine, and her parents have been barking at her since she was twenty five to stop messing around and settle down. They call her and let her know when there is a jewelry sale at Macy's and that she should tell you to buy a ring. What a great text! 'A little bird told me that engagement rings are on sale. Hint hint.' A little bird told you this sucks. Breaking Bad, however, doesn't even care if you watch it. But when you decide to, it's right there, ready to accept your relationship for what it is. You don't want to watch its whole five years? Cool. You can even watch some seasons of 'Who's the Boss' if you want. Tell your partner you'd like to step out and watch another girls episodes. Just try it.
"Look, I just want to see ONE season of her vagina. That's it! One. I've seen fourteen seasons of yours. Is one so bad?"
5. Breaking Bad has five good years. You guys have had two good dates.
Yep. Two good dates. Remember those? First date you went bowling. A kid in the lane next to you dropped his chicken fingers, and your date bought him some more. You fell in love right there. He showed he's good with kids. Then, three dates later, he revealed his major drinking problem while you were on a wine tasting tour. He got loaded on a Merlot from Australia and starting cursing out the tour guide. The next two years went much the same. You loved him because of the chicken finger thing so you tried to help him. The only other good date was the one you had with yourself the day you finally got him to go into rehab. Breaking Bad has only given you one bad night. The Fly episode. Sure it wasn't great, but it didn't throw up on four bath mats that you bought.
"Sure, Greg, you look great without a shirt on. Jesus, can you get up? You get this drunk at your own parent's anniversary! No, God doesn't want some of your beer. Put it down!"
6. Breaking Bad doesn't argue with you in front of a bar.
"Oh, Breaking Bad wouldn't argue with you in front of people?! Well, Breaking Bad probably wouldn't do a double take on the waitress! Why don't you ask Breaking Bad for a threesome, huh? Ask that whore BREAKING BAD!"
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
1. Breaking Bad doesn't complain.
Your relationship used to be really fun. The two of you would laugh at old lines from Dumb And Dumber, hold hands while going through airport security, and literally agree on everything. Now? Not the same. It's just complaining and disagreeing.
'This food sucks.' 'Oh, maybe you can order better.' 'Well, I wouldn't choose John's Pizza and Chess Board Repair Shop!' 'Get off my back! I wanted pizza and needed the chess board fixed!'
'I hate how I look.' 'You look great.' 'What do you know, stupid? You're an idiot. I look bad to strangers. Obviously I look good to a person who sees me everyday.'
'That guy's a piece of garbage. Why do you talk to him?' 'Because he's my DAD! I've told you that!'
'Why couldn't you get hard?! You don't find me attractive?!' 'It had nothing to do with you, okay? It's been a weird day.'
Breaking Bad doesn't do that. Breaking Bad is fine with the food you've ordered, your dad, and always makes you sexually aroused.
2. Breaking Bad doesn't suck in bed.
When your relationship started, the sex was great. Sometimes you didn't even wait to get home from Chili's. You just did it right there in the parking lot on a burrito wrapper. Now? You wait until you get home from that Chili's and it is not worth the wait. Nobody brings anything to bed. No enthusiasm at all. During, you both start to wish you still had just one last bite of the Spicy Grilled Shrimp Tacos you ordered. Man, they were good. Remember when this sex used to be? Breaking Bad always brings it when you take it to bed. You lay down with Breaking Bad, and you know you're getting its A game. It's not gonna hold out on that move you love until your birthday. Breaking Bad treats every night likes it's your birthday. Except The Fly episode. That one doesn't care if it's your double birthday.
3. Breaking Bad can't drive, but if it could, it would have picked you up when it said it was going to.
So you get drunk beyond repair and are thrown out of a bar head first by a man who looks like a failed wrestler. Your shoes blow off, its raining, and you're so drunk pizza guys won't even serve you. You call your partner to come pick you up. They say, "Of course," they'll be there in ten minutes. Fifteen minutes go by. Then twenty. So much time goes by you start to sober up. By the time your partner does finally show, you're not even drunk anymore. You just have a headache and want waffles. Breaking Bad wouldn't have done that. It would have picked you up in ten minutes while you were still good and smashed, and entertained you the whole way home.
4. Breaking Bad isn't pressuring you into marrying it.
You've been in your relationship for awhile, and you can officially say that it's serious. It's serious because there is no more fun attached to it. None. Fun has been replaced with, 'When are we gonna get married? I need to get married. I'm on a schedule!' What fun! Your partner's twenty nine, and her parents have been barking at her since she was twenty five to stop messing around and settle down. They call her and let her know when there is a jewelry sale at Macy's and that she should tell you to buy a ring. What a great text! 'A little bird told me that engagement rings are on sale. Hint hint.' A little bird told you this sucks. Breaking Bad, however, doesn't even care if you watch it. But when you decide to, it's right there, ready to accept your relationship for what it is. You don't want to watch its whole five years? Cool. You can even watch some seasons of 'Who's the Boss' if you want. Tell your partner you'd like to step out and watch another girls episodes. Just try it.
5. Breaking Bad has five good years. You guys have had two good dates.
Yep. Two good dates. Remember those? First date you went bowling. A kid in the lane next to you dropped his chicken fingers, and your date bought him some more. You fell in love right there. He showed he's good with kids. Then, three dates later, he revealed his major drinking problem while you were on a wine tasting tour. He got loaded on a Merlot from Australia and starting cursing out the tour guide. The next two years went much the same. You loved him because of the chicken finger thing so you tried to help him. The only other good date was the one you had with yourself the day you finally got him to go into rehab. Breaking Bad has only given you one bad night. The Fly episode. Sure it wasn't great, but it didn't throw up on four bath mats that you bought.
6. Breaking Bad doesn't argue with you in front of a bar.
You're at a bar with your partner in the relationship that you can barely handle. You ask him if he wants another bowl of pretzels. He doesn't hear you. He then turns and says, 'Hey, I want to get some more pretzels.' This is the fourth time he hasn't heard you.
"I just asked you if you wanted some. You didn't hear me? You never listen to me."
"What? I just didn't hear you. Whatever. I'm gonna get some wings."
"Wings? No way! You said you were gonna go to the gym. Real men have abs, not Cheeto dust in their stomach hair!"
"Oh yeah? Real men also don't date women they barely find attractive."
You snap. The bartender asks you both to leave. You go outside and continue screaming at each other, calling each other whores in front of a group of people who were enjoying cigarettes a minute ago, but now are enjoying cigarettes and watching you both yell and cry. Now, isn't Breaking Bad better than this?
"I just asked you if you wanted some. You didn't hear me? You never listen to me."
"What? I just didn't hear you. Whatever. I'm gonna get some wings."
"Wings? No way! You said you were gonna go to the gym. Real men have abs, not Cheeto dust in their stomach hair!"
"Oh yeah? Real men also don't date women they barely find attractive."
You snap. The bartender asks you both to leave. You go outside and continue screaming at each other, calling each other whores in front of a group of people who were enjoying cigarettes a minute ago, but now are enjoying cigarettes and watching you both yell and cry. Now, isn't Breaking Bad better than this?
Twitter @nathanmacintosh
8 things a guy does that make you think he wants to be with you but that don't mean he wants to be with you.
So you've met a guy who you want to be with, and he has done some things that make you believe he FOR SURE wants to be with you. Are any of these the things? Then you might want to think again.
1. Sleeping with you.
So a man just put his business in your business. He wants to be with you, right? Wooooaaaaa. Slow down, 'what will our wedding song be?'. Two businesses colliding doesn't always mean good things. Remember the merger between Sony and Michael Jackson? Probably not, but it ended terribly. Michael thought Sony wanted to be with him because they put their business with his. He was wrong, and because of that, nobody heard 'Butterflies'. He's seen your butterfly, but it doesn't mean he wants it around him all the time.
"SONY told me at least TWO people would hear Butterflies! They lied."
2. You called your vagina a 'butterfly' in front of him and he didn't say anything.
So you're walking past a table you don't notice. Boom! You've slammed your vag into the edge. Hurt? Yes. But you can't just yell out, 'Ow! My vag! My goddamn vag!" in front of a man you've just started seeing. So you call it the name you've given it. 'Ow! My butterfly!' You pause, realize what you've done, and wait to see what his reaction is. He doesn't have one. You've just said the pet name you have for your vagina in front of your new guy and he didn't freak out! He must want to be with you! Woooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'time for a road trip to see if we're ready to live together'. He didn't say anything, but that doesn't mean he didn't think anything. He is NOT INTO that for sure. You think it's cute, sure, but what would you say if he smashed his junk in a car door and yelled, 'Ahhhh! My caterpillar!' ... Exactly.
"Ohhhh! My magic rope! Ahhh. I don't know what happened. Still want to go to the theatre?"
3. Holding your hand in public.
So you're walking down the street with him, and he starts to hold your hand. In front of other people! In public! He must want to be with you, right? Woooooaaaa. Slow down, 'hopefully my dad will walk me down the aisle'. Women like men who are with other women. Women don't seem to be attracted to men who are walking the earth alone and depressed. He started to hold your hand to let other women around know that he's with a woman, which means he's worth being with. He's holding YOUR hand, but hoping that the girl with great legs locking up her bike notices.
"Look, women of earth! I'm holding a woman's hand! You now find me dateable!"
4. Saying he wants to meet your friends.
So you're hanging out, and out of nowhere, he says he wants to meet your friends. He wants to meet your friends? He wants to know some of the people you've known your whole life? He must want to be with you! Wooooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'I always knew the right one would come along'. A man wanting to meet your friends does not mean that he wants to be with you. He thinks you're cute, so he wants to see if you have cute friends. Men like looking at women. You're a woman with access to other women. He's gonna want you to show them to him! Also, every girl has a friend of hers who she doesn't trust around men. He'd like to meet her.
"Oh, THIS is your friend Sarah. She's nice. I can't understand why you didn't want me to meet her."
5. Saying, 'I want to be with you'.
A lot of girls fall for this one. The old 'I want to be with you' speech. Girls hear it and think, 'well, he for sure wants to be with me. He just said so!' Woooaaaa, slow down, 'we'll have blue wedding invitations'. Don't run off and get fitted for a dress just yet. What was the context when he said this? Were you laying naked in each others arms? Maybe he just doesn't want to have a naked argument. Being naked with a woman is supposed to be a good time, not a time to explain why you're not at a stage in your life where you can just commit to one person. Explaining yourself while a flaccid penis is floating around? Not a great time. Or maybe he said 'I want to be with you' while at dinner. Don't trust that either. He probably just wanted you to pass the breadsticks.
"Of course I want to be with you! Hey, do you mind passing me my phone? Thanks. Hello? No, man. I'm not busy. What's up?"
6. Saying he's not in this just for the sex.
1. Sleeping with you.
So a man just put his business in your business. He wants to be with you, right? Wooooaaaaa. Slow down, 'what will our wedding song be?'. Two businesses colliding doesn't always mean good things. Remember the merger between Sony and Michael Jackson? Probably not, but it ended terribly. Michael thought Sony wanted to be with him because they put their business with his. He was wrong, and because of that, nobody heard 'Butterflies'. He's seen your butterfly, but it doesn't mean he wants it around him all the time.
"SONY told me at least TWO people would hear Butterflies! They lied."
2. You called your vagina a 'butterfly' in front of him and he didn't say anything.
So you're walking past a table you don't notice. Boom! You've slammed your vag into the edge. Hurt? Yes. But you can't just yell out, 'Ow! My vag! My goddamn vag!" in front of a man you've just started seeing. So you call it the name you've given it. 'Ow! My butterfly!' You pause, realize what you've done, and wait to see what his reaction is. He doesn't have one. You've just said the pet name you have for your vagina in front of your new guy and he didn't freak out! He must want to be with you! Woooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'time for a road trip to see if we're ready to live together'. He didn't say anything, but that doesn't mean he didn't think anything. He is NOT INTO that for sure. You think it's cute, sure, but what would you say if he smashed his junk in a car door and yelled, 'Ahhhh! My caterpillar!' ... Exactly.
3. Holding your hand in public.
So you're walking down the street with him, and he starts to hold your hand. In front of other people! In public! He must want to be with you, right? Woooooaaaa. Slow down, 'hopefully my dad will walk me down the aisle'. Women like men who are with other women. Women don't seem to be attracted to men who are walking the earth alone and depressed. He started to hold your hand to let other women around know that he's with a woman, which means he's worth being with. He's holding YOUR hand, but hoping that the girl with great legs locking up her bike notices.
4. Saying he wants to meet your friends.
So you're hanging out, and out of nowhere, he says he wants to meet your friends. He wants to meet your friends? He wants to know some of the people you've known your whole life? He must want to be with you! Wooooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'I always knew the right one would come along'. A man wanting to meet your friends does not mean that he wants to be with you. He thinks you're cute, so he wants to see if you have cute friends. Men like looking at women. You're a woman with access to other women. He's gonna want you to show them to him! Also, every girl has a friend of hers who she doesn't trust around men. He'd like to meet her.
5. Saying, 'I want to be with you'.
A lot of girls fall for this one. The old 'I want to be with you' speech. Girls hear it and think, 'well, he for sure wants to be with me. He just said so!' Woooaaaa, slow down, 'we'll have blue wedding invitations'. Don't run off and get fitted for a dress just yet. What was the context when he said this? Were you laying naked in each others arms? Maybe he just doesn't want to have a naked argument. Being naked with a woman is supposed to be a good time, not a time to explain why you're not at a stage in your life where you can just commit to one person. Explaining yourself while a flaccid penis is floating around? Not a great time. Or maybe he said 'I want to be with you' while at dinner. Don't trust that either. He probably just wanted you to pass the breadsticks.
6. Saying he's not in this just for the sex.
He's seen you naked in every position possible, and you want to know if this is going somewhere. So you ask him if this is just for the sex. He looks you right in the eyes, and responds, 'No. I'm not in this just for the sex.' Oh, man! That's the answer! He wants to be with you! Woooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'his and hers matching towels.' Any man who has said this statement has said it for a reason. Does Kobe need to tell you he can hit 3's? Does Bill Gates need to tell you he's rich? Nope. So why would a man whose not in it just for the sex have to tell you that? Because he is COMPLETELY in this just for the sex, and is trying to throw you off the trail. If he wasn't, he would have said, 'of course not, stupid. Now let's watch season 7 of Seinfeld again.'
"In it for the sex?! No, I just suffer through that to get to the Maestro episode. Hmmm. Oh, nothing. Oh, you want to do it again? Ugh. I mean,.... Yeeeeaaaaugh."
7. Taking you to meet his parents.
7. Taking you to meet his parents.
'Oh, wow. I'm meeting his PARENTS. Meeting the parents is a big deal. He must want to be with me!' Wooooaaaa. Slow down, 'we're getting engaged'. Not everyone thinks their parents are cool or care about their opinions. To some, introducing you to their parents is a big thing. It's a 'mom, dad, here's who I love and I want you to meet them because I am close to you'. For others, it's 'Look, I don't like you, and you don't like me. But for some reason, this is supposed to be a normal thing so I'm doing it. I don't care if you like this girl or not. I still have unresolved issues with you, and she's here to be a reason to bail at any minute. I don't like how you spoke to me? She suddenly has to work in twenty minutes.' Now you've wasted a weekend talking to people that he doesn't care about. Worse things have happened.
"Wait, so he doesn't even like you guys?" "Would he have ran onto that highway when I said he should have stayed in school if he did? Ahhhhh. Well, this is awkward. So, what do you know about our son? We haven't spoken in years."
8. He asks you to stay in the middle of the night after sex.
8. He asks you to stay in the middle of the night after sex.
So, you've had sex. It's 2am. You've never stayed over before, and he says, 'why don't you just sleep here.' Oh, wow! He just asked you to stay over! He must want to be with you! Woooooaaaaa. Slow down, 'time to order my train.' He watched the news that night and heard that there is a guy whose kidnapping women in his area. What happens if you go outside at 2:30 am and are thrown into some maniac's trunk? The cops will talk to the person who saw you last, the man whose house you just left. And what's he gonna say to them? "Ummm, I asked her to leave because I'm not ready for a relationship." Now he's being questioned about where he was the last four nights that women were kidnapped. His alibi is you, but you can't be reached because you're in the back of an Oldsmobile Cutlass that's heading to the dock where you'll be sold to human traffickers. Is any of this worth it? No. So stay over, but don't read too much into it.
"Look, I told you I don't know where she is. I just met her! I asked her to leave because my mother never gave me the love I needed so I don't know how to be open with women. Is THAT a crime?"
9 Socially unacceptable ways to break up with someone that should be acceptable.
It's the summertime. People are breaking up all over the place! The only socially acceptable way to do it is to meet up with the human you no longer want to see and tell them face to face. Every thing else has stepped into the 21st century. Breaking up needs to as well. Here are ways that are not accepted but should be.
1. In a text.
Why is this one bad? NOBODY will say that texting someone is a good way of breaking up. Texting someone that you've been in an accident, letting someone know they should get checked because you have a STD, or 'hey, you up?' at 4:30 am are all acceptable reasons to text. But texting someone 'don't ever text me again, we're done' is not? A lot of relationships start with a text, but you can't end it the same way? This one should be the industry standard. It is NOT though. The world would respect you more for writing 'We're Done!' on a copy of Planet Earth and throwing it through their window.
"What?! No! You can't break up with me in text?! You need to meet me! Why am I yelling at my phone!?"
2. Writing 'We're Done!' on a copy of Planet Earth and throwing it through their window.
Most people leave relationships with no parting gifts. This way you leave them with something other than just the feeling that they are a useless human being. Have you ever seen Planet Earth? It's fantastic. So, your windows broken, and you've just been dumped, but now you have David Attenboroughs sexy voice to tell you about the Serengeti. So, really, is anything that bad?
"Why would Brian do this?! Right through my window! It's just ridic... oh. The complete series. Huh. Well that's something. They care about me!"
3. Leaving a message at their job.
This one is just practical. They don't get bothered with a long phone call, they can enjoy their lunch undisturbed and come back to this message, they're away from home and all the sharp things there. Best is, now you're giving them a reason to be rude at work. Who would get upset with someone being a dick at work when you know they just got a message that said they have to pack their junk and move out?
"You're girlfriend called. Said she's not your girlfriend anymore. Also, we need new computers."
4. Getting down on one knee in front of a crowd, making it look like you're going to propose, and saying 'Will you make me the happiest man on earth, and leave me the hell alone?'
You're allowed to be at a baseball game and make everyone watch you ask your girlfriend to marry you, why not get everyone watch you break up with her? Should be allowed. What's wrong with it? She gets some camera time, your outside enjoying the air, there's a BASEBALL game. What's the big deal? Plus, I'm sure there will be some guy in the stands who sees this and thinks, 'Wow. That's girls beautiful. And she's single!' You're letting men know that this lady is back in the ocean. It's free advertising!
"Don't laugh. I'm serious. Will you please leave me alone? I wanted to come to the game with a friend."
5. Asking their parents to let them know.
Their parents brought them into this world, raised them, hurt them emotionally in ways that only showed up with they were almost thirty. They can for sure give them the news that you don't want to see them anymore. Some people ask their girlfriends dad if they can marry them. Why not tell the dad you want to do the exact opposite? If their parents live out of town, they'll wonder why you drove five hours to their house without their child. That's when you say it's because you have dignity, and that that is how much you want out of this relationship.
"We're just giving you the info, okay? Don't take it out on us. Maybe if you didn't wear Chucks he'd treat you like a real woman. Look at me! LOOK AT ME!"
6. Yelling 'We're done!' while you drive by them.
So, you see the person you've started to hate the last couple of weeks walking down the street enjoying an ice cream. You want to break up with them, but you have somewhere to be. What's the alternative? Roll your window down, and scream 'I've had enough!' while you speed past. You've killed three birds with one stone. Ended a terrible relationship, made them drop their ice cream, and still made it to the 1:30 showing of Grown Ups 2.
"Pack your junk! We're done! I would have texted but it's illegal to do that and drive!"
7. Calling them.
Now, for gods sake, you can't call someone? Relationships start on less! A lot start from a message on OK Cupid.
"Hey, I also like cupcakes and the second season of The Wire! Want to get frozen yogurt?"
By calling them and ending it, you're being more personal than when you asked them out in the first place! Call them and tell them you wished you'd never clicked on their profile. And if they don't answer, fell free to leave a short message telling them what's wrong with them.
8. Email.
An email is just a longer text that you get later and hopefully has better spelling and grammar. It can even be much longer and nicer than a text. But this one is also hated by the earth. We all get emails all day. A lot of them are from people in Nigeria asking for money, telling you your penis is too small, why not one that decides how you are going to spend the weekend? You were supposed to go to the movies with your partner? Well, an email changed that! Now you're drinking. And you didn't have to meet up and have a real conversation to find it out.
"Dear human I've been dating. I don't want to do that anymore. This email explains that. The subject line that read 'Urgent! I no longer like you!' should have as well."
9. During a Christmas Dinner.
So, you're at your partners house for Christmas. You wanted to break up with them a month ago so it wouldn't get to this, but here you are. Asking their four year old cousin whose been kicking you under the table for twenty minutes to pass the salt. They throw it at you. You've had it! So you clink your glass, stand up, and say, "Look. I didn't want to be here. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. I'm out, and I'm taking this turkey leg with me. Also, smarten up this stupid four year old. Isn't there a children's table?" So you ruined a families Christmas. It happens. But you just made yours a bit Merrier.
"Man, I would love to drive that straw right into his nose bone. I'd like to throw that book into his sisters face, too. Why wear a hat to Christmas dinner? AND bring a book? I hate this whole family. Picturing hot gravy spilling everyone really makes me happy."
twitter @nathanmacintosh
1. In a text.
Why is this one bad? NOBODY will say that texting someone is a good way of breaking up. Texting someone that you've been in an accident, letting someone know they should get checked because you have a STD, or 'hey, you up?' at 4:30 am are all acceptable reasons to text. But texting someone 'don't ever text me again, we're done' is not? A lot of relationships start with a text, but you can't end it the same way? This one should be the industry standard. It is NOT though. The world would respect you more for writing 'We're Done!' on a copy of Planet Earth and throwing it through their window.
2. Writing 'We're Done!' on a copy of Planet Earth and throwing it through their window.
Most people leave relationships with no parting gifts. This way you leave them with something other than just the feeling that they are a useless human being. Have you ever seen Planet Earth? It's fantastic. So, your windows broken, and you've just been dumped, but now you have David Attenboroughs sexy voice to tell you about the Serengeti. So, really, is anything that bad?
3. Leaving a message at their job.
This one is just practical. They don't get bothered with a long phone call, they can enjoy their lunch undisturbed and come back to this message, they're away from home and all the sharp things there. Best is, now you're giving them a reason to be rude at work. Who would get upset with someone being a dick at work when you know they just got a message that said they have to pack their junk and move out?
4. Getting down on one knee in front of a crowd, making it look like you're going to propose, and saying 'Will you make me the happiest man on earth, and leave me the hell alone?'
You're allowed to be at a baseball game and make everyone watch you ask your girlfriend to marry you, why not get everyone watch you break up with her? Should be allowed. What's wrong with it? She gets some camera time, your outside enjoying the air, there's a BASEBALL game. What's the big deal? Plus, I'm sure there will be some guy in the stands who sees this and thinks, 'Wow. That's girls beautiful. And she's single!' You're letting men know that this lady is back in the ocean. It's free advertising!
"Don't laugh. I'm serious. Will you please leave me alone? I wanted to come to the game with a friend."5. Asking their parents to let them know.
Their parents brought them into this world, raised them, hurt them emotionally in ways that only showed up with they were almost thirty. They can for sure give them the news that you don't want to see them anymore. Some people ask their girlfriends dad if they can marry them. Why not tell the dad you want to do the exact opposite? If their parents live out of town, they'll wonder why you drove five hours to their house without their child. That's when you say it's because you have dignity, and that that is how much you want out of this relationship.
6. Yelling 'We're done!' while you drive by them.
So, you see the person you've started to hate the last couple of weeks walking down the street enjoying an ice cream. You want to break up with them, but you have somewhere to be. What's the alternative? Roll your window down, and scream 'I've had enough!' while you speed past. You've killed three birds with one stone. Ended a terrible relationship, made them drop their ice cream, and still made it to the 1:30 showing of Grown Ups 2.
7. Calling them.
Now, for gods sake, you can't call someone? Relationships start on less! A lot start from a message on OK Cupid.
"Hey, I also like cupcakes and the second season of The Wire! Want to get frozen yogurt?"
By calling them and ending it, you're being more personal than when you asked them out in the first place! Call them and tell them you wished you'd never clicked on their profile. And if they don't answer, fell free to leave a short message telling them what's wrong with them.
"I know it's been 40 years, but I'm done... You're on your way back from the grocery store? Yeah, I won't be here. Good luck with your last 15 years."
8. Email.
An email is just a longer text that you get later and hopefully has better spelling and grammar. It can even be much longer and nicer than a text. But this one is also hated by the earth. We all get emails all day. A lot of them are from people in Nigeria asking for money, telling you your penis is too small, why not one that decides how you are going to spend the weekend? You were supposed to go to the movies with your partner? Well, an email changed that! Now you're drinking. And you didn't have to meet up and have a real conversation to find it out.
9. During a Christmas Dinner.
So, you're at your partners house for Christmas. You wanted to break up with them a month ago so it wouldn't get to this, but here you are. Asking their four year old cousin whose been kicking you under the table for twenty minutes to pass the salt. They throw it at you. You've had it! So you clink your glass, stand up, and say, "Look. I didn't want to be here. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. I'm out, and I'm taking this turkey leg with me. Also, smarten up this stupid four year old. Isn't there a children's table?" So you ruined a families Christmas. It happens. But you just made yours a bit Merrier.
twitter @nathanmacintosh