Let's move!

I'm moving at the end of the month. I'll be putting all of my junk into a bag, and kicking it down the street to a different place. That's not exactly how it's gonna work, but I wish it was that easy. Moving is more stressful than it needs to be. I don't think anyone likes to do it.
"Okay, would you rather move, or..."
"What ever the other one is. That's what I'd rather do."
"You didn't even hear it! It could be strangling a hamster!"
"Cool. Whatever. Rather do anything other than move. Wait! Was it gonna be move or watch TMZ? Ahhh. No! I'd rather move! I'd rather move!"

Looking for places to live is not fun. For one, why do people show you apartments that people are living in? They'll walk you through an apartment that someone is living in, while they are at home living in it.
"Ah, well, here it is. That underwear won't be on the floor when you move in. Also, there won't be a man in the master bedroom crying because his girlfriend left him either. (whispers) That's why the place is up for rent. Well, what do you think? Clean up the empty whiskey bottles and broken glass from shattered picture frames and it's home sweet home, right?"

       

          "Don't mind him. He's just sad she took his shirts and mousepad. Anyway, move in Sept 1st?"

There isn't another apartment in the building that is empty that you could show? It has to be the EXACT one that I'd be living in? If I was buying a used car from you, would you show me one only when the owner is in it?
"Okay, there he is. Now, when he stops at this light, we'll jump in and you can get a test drive.... Annnn, NOW!"
(Jumps into car. Slam doors.)
"What the hell is going on?"
"Hey, you wanted me to sell your car, right? Well, I got a buyer here. Just keep driving. (Turns to potential buyer). So, as you can see, it's quite roomy. You can throw McDonald's bags on the floor here as he has if you wish, and the ashtray can hold about (dumps change from the ashtray into his hand and counts it) about six dollars and fifty cents. Any questions?"

Apartment brokers are a strange thing. You hire someone to look up apartments for you, to find exactly what you're looking for so that you don't have to worry about it. For that service, brokers charge a fee of one months rent that goes to them. I understand that, but if you look up an apartment yourself on craigslist, there should not be a fee. You found it!
"Hi. I'm calling about the piano you had for sale for 400 dollars?"
"Hey. Yes, it's four hundred dollars, plus a four hundred dollar finders fee."
"... Um, what do you mean? I found it. I didn't hire you to find it."
"But I put up the ad. You don't think I deserve four hundred dollars for that?"
"No!"
"Well, someone out there will. Good luck piano hunting."

Brokers will also try to talk you into things you don't want.
         

"Look, I know you're in the market for a suit, but what about this apartment! That funeral can wait. This beautiful space won't."

I'm sure with renting apartments years ago there was a bit of a 'I'll take your word on it' policy. Now? Absolutely not. You can't just get an apartment based on the fact that you used to pay rent at your old place. They want bank statements, pay stubs, two pieces of I.D., credit check, your whereabouts the night that a woman suspiciously disappeared,  and proof of income. There probably used to be a 'you seem like a good person' type attitude toward renting an apartment. Or at least someone could just talk to your former landlord and be comfortable knowing that you had always paid your rent. But then some jerks went and destroyed a place, didn't pay rent, and just split. So, because of them, the whole process is ridiculous.
"Okay, before I rent this place to you, I have a few questions. Do you smoke?"
"Nope."
"That's good. Do you own any pets?"
"Nope. Not one."
"Okay, great. Have you ever gotten 'the end of the week because I work very hard and you don't even appreciate what I do around here, Sarah! All you do is spend my money and bitch at me about not doing the laundry' drunk screaming match with your girlfriend, then split town without letting your landlord know and left your apartment looking like a dumpster behind Sizzler?"
"... What?"
"Hesitation, huh? Well, that can only mean one thing. Thanks for coming in."

"Why do I need seven references? Check out this room.... Yeah. So, who can I call? Do not say 'Shirley's Donuts."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Zombie Movies. I can't.

I haven't seen too many zombies movies that I've liked. 'Night of the Living Dead' I think is a great movie. 'Dawn of The Dead' was pretty fun. 'Walking Dead' was something I couldn't get into. An entire show about people running from zombies? It's hard to give a two hour movie about it a decent amount of attention. How can I keep caring for six years? But even though I've never been a huge fan of them, I saw the trailer for World War Z and was interested. It looked as though it would be a bit different from normal zombie movies. Went to see it, and within fifteen minutes was reminded of why I'm not interested in these movies.

One of the things I can't get over, is that for some reason in zombie movies, people just know what to do. One minute, people are driving to work, everything in their life is zombie free. They woke up a bit late, didn't have time to eat anything more than half a bagel, have to sit in a meeting they don't want to be in. Then, bam! Zombies attack! And without even a thought, they snap right into 'zombie apocalypse mode'. Kicking zombies in the face, running them over, shooting them in the head with guns they've found and probably never used before. Calm as hell. No screaming. No freaking out. Jut an easy transition.

"I can't believe this traffic. I'm already late. And why won't this soft rock station play Peter Framptons' 'Baby I love your way'? It really soothes my... huh. THAT'S a whole lot of zombies coming at me right now. Well, good thing I took that 'Zombies are coming one day you idiot' survival class. Time to turn this car lighter into a flaming nail thrower. Let's do it, Zombies."

It's hard to stay interested as well because without people around, zombies do nothing. They don't do anything! With no humans in sight, zombies just stand there, snarling and spitting, cracking their jaws and bobbing back and forth. Vampires form gangs and fight each other. Werewolves only turn into werewolves at certain times so when they are people they can go to work, have regular lives, go out for drinks. Anything!

"Man, my weekend was nuts. I went to a club, got loaded and took these two girls back to my house. They both passed out as we were walking in. One fell through a glass table, the other rolled back down the front steps. Crazy, man."

"Your weekend was nuts? Mine was INSANE. I turned into a beast and tore three families in half. It was disgusting. Worst part is I blew through my new Lacoste dress shirt. Well, not the WORST part, but that shirts ruined."

It adds depth to them. Vampires and werewolves can be characters. Zombies? Nothing. They either stand like they're waiting for a bus, or they run at you like they are trying to catch a bus.

Zombies don't talk, either. They can't carry a story. Vampires talk. Werewolves can talk. Not one word comes out of a zombies mouth. They don't talk amongst themselves or come up with plans as to what their next moves are. The only thing they've ever said is 'brains'. That's it. 'Brains'. For some reason, when people become zombies, they only say the thing that they want to eat. Only onset illness that happens with. Nobody gets type two diabetes and gets stuck on a verbal loop of one junk food.

"Sir, I have bad news for you. You have onset diabetes."

"Oh, no. Really? What do I...do....do....donut. Doooonut. Dooonutsssss."

"... They always start saying 'donuts' before I have a chance to tell them that all they have to do is take insulin. Oh, well. Glad I'm not a donut."

Now zombies don't even eat brains, so they don't say anything. They eat arms, legs, hips, hands. Everything. I guess it wouldn't make sense for them to say anything.

"Oh, no! A zombie!"

"People paaaarrrtsss! Peeeeeooople paaaarrrtttssss!"

"He wants to eat all of my parts! Ahhhhh!"

There is usually a virus that spreads, or something to that effect. In some of these movies, they have the audacity to not even tell you how that happened. They stay as vague as possible.

"How did this happen?"

"We're not too sure. It could have been a pigeon in India. Could have been mad cow disease. Could have been that guy who fell into the sewer system which is full of diseases and almost drowned. An EMT gave him mouth to mouth, then he kissed his girlfriend hello later that night, they broke up soon after and then both went on a mad tear of sexual exploits trying to get over each other. Could have spread that way. But, really, who cares? Let's just try to stop it."

"Well... I guess. We need to stop it regardless, but shouldn't we try to figure out where it came from? That could help us sto..."

"Hey! I said 'let's just try to stop it.' What I should have ended that sentence with is 'blindly'. Let's just to try and stop it blindly. Let's go!"

Zombies are not strong. They are not hard to kill. The only thing that sucks about them is that there are tons of them. Tons of anything would be hard to defeat. If ten thousand leaves flew at you, you're falling down. These movies would be the same if there was a hoard of kids running around. Do you think you could beat up or stop hundreds of kids that were trying to kill you? Doubt it.

"Huh. That school of children is foaming from the mouth and running right at me. Well, you want it kids? It's on! Kids are so easy to beat up. You jus..."

(Kids reach him. Beat him to the ground in a second.)

"Well, I spoke to soon. Tiny, sticky 'Dora The Explorer' shoes are crushing my head. I'm done!"

Zombies used to just walk, now they run at full tilt. Why? Probably because a walking zombie is boring and not scary at all. It's dragging itself down the street? Wow. Horrifying. Poison Ivy is scarier than this.

"Hey, man. Don't look now, but there is a zombie coming towards us."

"Is he walking?"

"Yeah."

"Cool. We've got at least twenty minutes. Not a big deal. So, back to what I was saying, I just did.... Ahhh! Ficus! Look out!"

"Noooo! I put my arm right in it! Oh, man. I'm gonna be itching for weeks. Oh, just so you know, the zombie fell down. He's trying to get up now. Doesn't look like it's working out. Continue your story."

twitter @nathanmacintosh

6 Ways to Get Your Loser Self Out Of Your House.

The world really seems to likes lists. Just about all articles now have become lists. In every paper, every magazine, on every site where something can be written, you'll find lists. Most of them are about ridiculous things.

'7 ways you know you're eating a sandwich', '12 ways to get into a parking spot', '47 people you have met in the dairy aisle', '13.5 things that only happen to people with straight hair', '75 ways to approach the girl at the bar who already told you that she won't give you her number and to please leave her alone'.

Just lists. Everywhere! For some reason they also insult you at times. People who write a list that is subjective will make fun of you for not agreeing with them.

"If you don't like number 4 on my Top 21 bosses from Megaman list you are an idiot! This isn't opinion. This is fact! What are you , stupid? You don't think that Snakeman is the 4th greatest Megaman boss of all time?! Well, just blow me, bud!"

People seems to like these, so I figured I would give people a bit of what they want. I've written a list article about a ridiculous thing and insulted you throughout.

"6 ways to get your loser self out of your house."

1. Throw your computer threw a wall because that's what's keeping you inside.

Sure, you want to go outside, but you've fallen into a worm hole on YouTube. You started out listening to your favourite rapper. Then, some how, you found yourself watching 'drive-thru fight' videos. "I'll just watch one more man slam a woman’s head of the drive-thru window for not giving him his nuggets, THEN I'll go outside" you say, but four hours go by. You've watched so many, you've started to agree with all of the maniacs who dragon kick sixteen year old kids wearing headsets making four dollars an hour. Then these get boring, so some crazy way, you find yourself on 'biggest pimple' videos. How'd this happen? You were about to go outside! It's your damn computer! You can do anything on it. Watch naked people do naked things, learn a new language, or just stream that movie that you can't get to see because you won't leave your house. Solution? Throw your computer threw a wall. There you go, stupid! Pick it up, and huck it at a wall! Sure it cost a bunch of money, but's it's taking your soul! What would you do if you were in the Mortal Kombat tournament and Shang Tsung was stealing your essence? You'd uppercut him and finish him by cutting him in half? Same thing. Finish your computer!

2. Put all of the snacks you keep buying outside of your house.

You keep going to the kitchen for chips, cookies, popsicles. I don't know what you buy, dummy. That's you! Couch to fridge, couch to fridge and back again. There's no outside here! Solution? Take a cooler outside and fill it with your dirt food. Boom! Now every time you want Triple Chunk Chocolate Chip cookies and that Cheeseburger Flavoured Fanta, you actually have to take your stupid self out into a world where people can yell at you and bugs can bite you. Now look at you! The guy across the street who you've always hated just called you a piece of garbage and you're running from bees, but you're OUTSIDE! That's the whole point of this article, so... suck it!

3. Oh, you're looking for an alternative to the door? Go out the window!

Look, EVERYONE uses doors. Everybody! Even the coolest of the cool use their stupid hands to turn a doorknob and swing a piece of wood out of their way. Kanye, Jay-Z, Bill Clinton, Jason Statham. All of these hacks use doors. Laaaaaammmmmmeeee! You want to be cool, you have to stand out, and why not stand out while also getting the hell out of your house! Time to crawl out a window like a boss. Sure, it'll look at first like you're climbing out of a window like a boss who just found out that his company is going under and doesn't want to face any of his employees, but hey, what do those losers know!? You're a trend setter. Soon, ALL of the cool people will use the window.

"Door? Please. I'm somebody. Roll the window of the car down and I'll shimmy in like I'm sneaking back into my moms house when I was sixteen after a night of drinking”.

You live above the second floor? Great! Not only do you get to climb out of your window, you also get to see if a sheet makes a good parachute. Here's hoping.

4. Can't get out of your house? Get evicted!

So, you're looking for a way out of your house. You can't find a good enough reason. I mean, INside you have air conditioning, every Leprechaun on NetFlix, and your collection of bottle caps. You can't get out of the house! Well, just stop paying rent. That's right, stop paying it! You can't be in a house if you don't have one. You stop paying rent, your landlord will kick you out. Maybe he's kind of a coward so he won't do it, but he'll call the cops and they'll throw you and your junk onto the street like Uncle Phil throwing Jazzy Jeff. There you go. You've done it! Now you are living on the street! No more fighting to get outside. It's your house!

5. Set it on fire.

Do YOU like being in a house that's on fire? Unless you are Ghost Rider, probably not. Can't seem to get motivated enough to get up off the couch and hit the gym? Simply take a bill that you didn't want to pay anyway, light if off of the stove and throw it onto the recycling you've been meaning to take out. Boom! Now you have a raging inferno in your kitchen that will spread through out the house quickly if you spray some WD-40 on it. Boom! House is on fire. You have to get out or you're going to die. You did it! You're outside. Now go to the gym, and try not to think about all of your belongings being engulfed in flames. Probably for the best anyway. You had WAY too many cardigans.

6. Just get out, bud!

Yeah, just get the hell out of your house! I mean, what's stopping you? You know those things you have underneath you? Or dangling from a chair while you stare out a window wondering what happened to your cigarettes? They're called legs! They are used to move from place to place. Just stand on em, and kick them out in front of each other. That's it! Put some shoes on them as well if you plan on going into any establishment at all. You don't have legs that work? Well, you probably have crutches, or a cane, or a wheelchair that does. You have stairs and no one is around to help you down? Just throw yourself down them and crawl for the door! Man, do I have to figure out everything for you?

Twitter @nathanmacintosh