6 ways you know you're eating a sandwich.

You know, for some reason, in this topsy turvy world, people do not always know what they are eating. I hear people all the time, 'What the hell is this? What did I order? What in the goddam hell is in my stupid mouth right now?!' Well, I don't know about other foods, but I can tell you when you are eating a sandwich. Here are six ways to know how.

6 Ways You Know You're Eating A Sandwich.

1. It's on some kind of bread.

There are only some foods that are consistently on bread. Is spaghetti on bread? Who knows. It's your spaghetti. Do you need to wrap wings in pita before you take a bite? Absolutely not. Is there a rye bread involved with eating cookies? Most of the time, no. If what you're eating is contained inside of some sort of bread, it is probably a sandwich. That is pretty much what a sandwich is. Some junk between pieces of bread. Or junk wrapped up in a wrap. Or some trash thrown into some sort of tortilla. Whatever that garbage may be. You can put anything you want into a sandwich, but if what you throw together is between pieces of things made with wheat? That there, long haul trucker, is a sandwich.

"I'm a dog sandwich. That's how this whole thing works."

2. You are picking it up with your hands to eat it.

Sandwiches are eaten with your hands. Just about every time. You could put it in a bowl and eat it with a spoon. Would be very strange. You could use a knife and a fork, but if you do that you probably own a horse and are a white woman from Connecticut. A white woman from Connecticut is NOT a sandwich. Let's get that straight.  'But cookies are eaten with your hands,' you say, and chips, and many other things. Is this really a sandwich I'm eating or is it a bag of Sour Patch Kids? Good question. Again, if you refer to way number one, ask yourself if what you are holding is between bread. It is? Then that there, go-kart operator, is a sandwich.

"I said, get me a fork. My hands are for reading books about why a ten year old would have this serious a face."

3. You ordered a sandwich.

This is a pretty sure giveaway to figuring out what you're eating. A server came to your table and asked, 'What do you want?' You scream, 'Club sandwich!' You probably yelled because you were so nervous that you would make a mistake and order something else. Maybe potatoes. Maybe a garden salad. So before your mind started coming up with other food options, you screamed 'Club sandwich!' so that you'd get one. The server is startled, but puts in the order. Your food comes minutes later. Wondering what it is? No need to, crop duster. You yelled sandwich. You got sandwich.

"So you're telling me that if I order a sandwich I will get a sandwich? Must be magic."

4. It came with chips.

When you order a steak, it doesn't come with chips. Cordon Bleu does not come with chips. Unless you ordered a lobster from a vending machine, no chips will be beside it. If you are stumped as to what you are eating, look at what came with it. If it is some kind of plain potato chip, that is probably a sandwich. It might be a hamburger or a hot dog. Those also have bread and have to be eaten with your hands. By this criteria, those are basically just different shaped sandwiches. Let's not get into that. Really nice meals don't come with chips. Enough said, book shelf repair man.

"Sure, whatever. I guess you can have Fruit By The Foot with your Duck a l'Orange. It's your personal fun house tonight!"

5. You have to keep putting it back together.

So the thing you are eating keeps falling apart. Tomatoes are blowing out of it. Bacon is making a jump for it every chance it gets. Mayo is falling all over the place. You can't figure out what it is because basically, in today's busy world, who has time to figure out what they're eating? Well, this is clearly a sandwich. Look, what else falls apart and contains tomatoes and bacon? Cereal? Fig Newtons? Bananas? I think not. Even if you were EATING a tomato, tomato wouldn't be blowing out of it. What you are eating, fair doctor, is a sandwich. Unless you are eating a salad with your hands. If that's the case, it's time to go back to school.

"There we go. A nice, comfortable sandwich for you to sleep in. I mean, crib. A nice comfortable crib for you to... what the hell is this thing? Whatever. I'm getting a sandwich. Flip your thing over and sleep in it."

6. Someone yells, 'Hey, how's that sandwich!'

You are eating something, and you have no idea what it is. You're enjoying it, but staring out the window of the restaurant wondering what the hell it is. Then some over-enthusiastic man walks by and yells, 'Hey! How's that sandwich?!' Now, there's no way the two of you have no idea what a sandwich is. He's probably onto something. First thing in this situation is to go, 'Oh yeah! That's what the hell this is!' Then, look that man in his face and say, 'This sandwich right here, toll booth guy? Is delicious.'

"I just want to know how your sandwiches were!"
"They we're probably pretty great if we are keeping behind this fence. Now shut up!"

6 Ways to Get Your Loser Self Out Of Your House.

The world really seems to likes lists. Just about all articles now have become lists. In every paper, every magazine, on every site where something can be written, you'll find lists. Most of them are about ridiculous things.

'7 ways you know you're eating a sandwich', '12 ways to get into a parking spot', '47 people you have met in the dairy aisle', '13.5 things that only happen to people with straight hair', '75 ways to approach the girl at the bar who already told you that she won't give you her number and to please leave her alone'.

Just lists. Everywhere! For some reason they also insult you at times. People who write a list that is subjective will make fun of you for not agreeing with them.

"If you don't like number 4 on my Top 21 bosses from Megaman list you are an idiot! This isn't opinion. This is fact! What are you , stupid? You don't think that Snakeman is the 4th greatest Megaman boss of all time?! Well, just blow me, bud!"

People seems to like these, so I figured I would give people a bit of what they want. I've written a list article about a ridiculous thing and insulted you throughout.

"6 ways to get your loser self out of your house."

1. Throw your computer threw a wall because that's what's keeping you inside.

Sure, you want to go outside, but you've fallen into a worm hole on YouTube. You started out listening to your favourite rapper. Then, some how, you found yourself watching 'drive-thru fight' videos. "I'll just watch one more man slam a woman’s head of the drive-thru window for not giving him his nuggets, THEN I'll go outside" you say, but four hours go by. You've watched so many, you've started to agree with all of the maniacs who dragon kick sixteen year old kids wearing headsets making four dollars an hour. Then these get boring, so some crazy way, you find yourself on 'biggest pimple' videos. How'd this happen? You were about to go outside! It's your damn computer! You can do anything on it. Watch naked people do naked things, learn a new language, or just stream that movie that you can't get to see because you won't leave your house. Solution? Throw your computer threw a wall. There you go, stupid! Pick it up, and huck it at a wall! Sure it cost a bunch of money, but's it's taking your soul! What would you do if you were in the Mortal Kombat tournament and Shang Tsung was stealing your essence? You'd uppercut him and finish him by cutting him in half? Same thing. Finish your computer!

2. Put all of the snacks you keep buying outside of your house.

You keep going to the kitchen for chips, cookies, popsicles. I don't know what you buy, dummy. That's you! Couch to fridge, couch to fridge and back again. There's no outside here! Solution? Take a cooler outside and fill it with your dirt food. Boom! Now every time you want Triple Chunk Chocolate Chip cookies and that Cheeseburger Flavoured Fanta, you actually have to take your stupid self out into a world where people can yell at you and bugs can bite you. Now look at you! The guy across the street who you've always hated just called you a piece of garbage and you're running from bees, but you're OUTSIDE! That's the whole point of this article, so... suck it!

3. Oh, you're looking for an alternative to the door? Go out the window!

Look, EVERYONE uses doors. Everybody! Even the coolest of the cool use their stupid hands to turn a doorknob and swing a piece of wood out of their way. Kanye, Jay-Z, Bill Clinton, Jason Statham. All of these hacks use doors. Laaaaaammmmmmeeee! You want to be cool, you have to stand out, and why not stand out while also getting the hell out of your house! Time to crawl out a window like a boss. Sure, it'll look at first like you're climbing out of a window like a boss who just found out that his company is going under and doesn't want to face any of his employees, but hey, what do those losers know!? You're a trend setter. Soon, ALL of the cool people will use the window.

"Door? Please. I'm somebody. Roll the window of the car down and I'll shimmy in like I'm sneaking back into my moms house when I was sixteen after a night of drinking”.

You live above the second floor? Great! Not only do you get to climb out of your window, you also get to see if a sheet makes a good parachute. Here's hoping.

4. Can't get out of your house? Get evicted!

So, you're looking for a way out of your house. You can't find a good enough reason. I mean, INside you have air conditioning, every Leprechaun on NetFlix, and your collection of bottle caps. You can't get out of the house! Well, just stop paying rent. That's right, stop paying it! You can't be in a house if you don't have one. You stop paying rent, your landlord will kick you out. Maybe he's kind of a coward so he won't do it, but he'll call the cops and they'll throw you and your junk onto the street like Uncle Phil throwing Jazzy Jeff. There you go. You've done it! Now you are living on the street! No more fighting to get outside. It's your house!

5. Set it on fire.

Do YOU like being in a house that's on fire? Unless you are Ghost Rider, probably not. Can't seem to get motivated enough to get up off the couch and hit the gym? Simply take a bill that you didn't want to pay anyway, light if off of the stove and throw it onto the recycling you've been meaning to take out. Boom! Now you have a raging inferno in your kitchen that will spread through out the house quickly if you spray some WD-40 on it. Boom! House is on fire. You have to get out or you're going to die. You did it! You're outside. Now go to the gym, and try not to think about all of your belongings being engulfed in flames. Probably for the best anyway. You had WAY too many cardigans.

6. Just get out, bud!

Yeah, just get the hell out of your house! I mean, what's stopping you? You know those things you have underneath you? Or dangling from a chair while you stare out a window wondering what happened to your cigarettes? They're called legs! They are used to move from place to place. Just stand on em, and kick them out in front of each other. That's it! Put some shoes on them as well if you plan on going into any establishment at all. You don't have legs that work? Well, you probably have crutches, or a cane, or a wheelchair that does. You have stairs and no one is around to help you down? Just throw yourself down them and crawl for the door! Man, do I have to figure out everything for you?

Twitter @nathanmacintosh