8 things a guy does that make you think he wants to be with you but that don't mean he wants to be with you.

So you've met a guy who you want to be with, and he has done some things that make you believe he FOR SURE wants to be with you. Are any of these the things? Then you might want to think again.

1. Sleeping with you.
So a man just put his business in your business. He wants to be with you, right? Wooooaaaaa. Slow down, 'what will our wedding song be?'. Two businesses colliding doesn't always mean good things. Remember the merger between Sony and Michael Jackson? Probably not, but it ended terribly. Michael thought Sony wanted to be with him because they put their business with his. He was wrong, and because of that, nobody heard 'Butterflies'. He's seen your butterfly, but it doesn't mean he wants it around him all the time.

                      "SONY told me at least TWO people would hear Butterflies! They lied."

2. You called your vagina a 'butterfly' in front of him and he didn't say anything.
So you're walking past a table you don't notice. Boom! You've slammed your vag into the edge. Hurt? Yes. But you can't just yell out, 'Ow! My vag! My goddamn vag!" in front of a man you've just started seeing. So you call it the name you've given it. 'Ow! My butterfly!' You pause, realize what you've done, and wait to see what his reaction is. He doesn't have one. You've just said the pet name you have for your vagina in front of your new guy and he didn't freak out! He must want to be with you! Woooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'time for a road trip to see if we're ready to live together'. He didn't say anything, but that doesn't mean he didn't think anything. He is NOT INTO that for sure. You think it's cute, sure, but what would you say if he smashed his junk in a car door and yelled, 'Ahhhh! My caterpillar!' ... Exactly.

      "Ohhhh! My magic rope! Ahhh. I don't know what happened. Still want to go to the theatre?"

3. Holding your hand in public.
So you're walking down the street with him, and he starts to hold your hand. In front of other people! In public! He must want to be with you, right? Woooooaaaa. Slow down, 'hopefully my dad will walk me down the aisle'. Women like men who are with other women. Women don't seem to be attracted to men who are walking the earth alone and depressed. He started to hold your hand to let other women around know that he's with a woman, which means he's worth being with. He's holding YOUR hand, but hoping that the girl with great legs locking up her bike notices.

            "Look, women of earth! I'm holding a woman's hand! You now find me dateable!"

4. Saying he wants to meet your friends.
So you're hanging out, and out of nowhere, he says he wants to meet your friends. He wants to meet your friends? He wants to know some of the people you've known your whole life? He must want to be with you! Wooooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'I always knew the right one would come along'. A man wanting to meet your friends does not mean that he wants to be with you. He thinks you're cute, so he wants to see if you have cute friends. Men like looking at women. You're a woman with access to other women. He's gonna want you to show them to him! Also, every girl has a friend of hers who she doesn't trust around men. He'd like to meet her.

     "Oh, THIS is your friend Sarah. She's nice. I can't understand why you didn't want me to meet her."

5. Saying, 'I want to be with you'.
A lot of girls fall for this one. The old 'I want to be with you' speech. Girls hear it and think, 'well, he for sure wants to be with me. He just said so!' Woooaaaa, slow down, 'we'll have blue wedding invitations'. Don't run off and get fitted for a dress just yet. What was the context when he said this? Were you laying naked in each others arms? Maybe he just doesn't want to have a naked argument. Being naked with a woman is supposed to be a good time, not a time to explain why you're not at a stage in your life where you can just commit to one person. Explaining yourself while a flaccid penis is floating around? Not a great time. Or maybe he said 'I want to be with you' while at dinner. Don't trust that either. He probably just wanted you to pass the breadsticks.

"Of course I want to be with you! Hey, do you mind passing me my phone? Thanks. Hello? No, man. I'm not busy. What's up?"

6. Saying he's not in this just for the sex.

He's seen you naked in every position possible, and you want to know if this is going somewhere. So you ask him if this is just for the sex. He looks you right in the eyes, and responds, 'No. I'm not in this just for the sex.' Oh, man! That's the answer! He wants to be with you! Woooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'his and hers matching towels.' Any man who has said this statement has said it for a reason. Does Kobe need to tell you he can hit 3's? Does Bill Gates need to tell you he's rich? Nope. So why would a man whose not in it just for the sex have to tell you that? Because he is COMPLETELY in this just for the sex, and is trying to throw you off the trail. If he wasn't, he would have said, 'of course not, stupid. Now let's watch season 7 of Seinfeld again.'

 "In it for the sex?! No, I just suffer through that to get to the Maestro episode. Hmmm. Oh, nothing. Oh, you want to do it again? Ugh. I mean,.... Yeeeeaaaaugh."

7. Taking you to meet his parents.

'Oh, wow. I'm meeting his PARENTS. Meeting the parents is a big deal. He must want to be with me!' Wooooaaaa. Slow down, 'we're getting engaged'. Not everyone thinks their parents are cool or care about their opinions. To some, introducing you to their parents is a big thing. It's a 'mom, dad, here's who I love and I want you to meet them because I am close to you'. For others, it's 'Look, I don't like you, and you don't like me. But for some reason, this is supposed to be a normal thing so I'm doing it. I don't care if you like this girl or not. I still have unresolved issues with you, and she's here to be a reason to bail at any minute. I don't like how you spoke to me? She suddenly has to work in twenty minutes.' Now you've wasted a weekend talking to people that he doesn't care about. Worse things have happened.

"Wait, so he doesn't even like you guys?" "Would he have ran onto that highway when I said he should have stayed in school if he did? Ahhhhh. Well, this is awkward. So, what do you know about our son? We haven't spoken in years."

8. He asks you to stay in the middle of the night after sex.

So, you've had sex. It's 2am. You've never stayed over before, and he says, 'why don't you just sleep here.' Oh, wow! He just asked you to stay over! He must want to be with you! Woooooaaaaa. Slow down, 'time to order my train.' He watched the news that night and heard that there is a guy whose kidnapping women in his area. What happens if you go outside at 2:30 am and are thrown into some maniac's trunk? The cops will talk to the person who saw you last, the man whose house you just left. And what's he gonna say to them? "Ummm, I asked her to leave because I'm not ready for a relationship." Now he's being questioned about where he was the last four nights that women were kidnapped. His alibi is you, but you can't be reached because you're in the back of an Oldsmobile Cutlass that's heading to the dock where you'll be sold to human traffickers. Is any of this worth it? No. So stay over, but don't read too much into it.

"Look, I told you I don't know where she is. I just met her! I asked her to leave because my mother never gave me the love I needed so I don't know how to be open with women. Is THAT a crime?"

Let's move!

I'm moving at the end of the month. I'll be putting all of my junk into a bag, and kicking it down the street to a different place. That's not exactly how it's gonna work, but I wish it was that easy. Moving is more stressful than it needs to be. I don't think anyone likes to do it.
"Okay, would you rather move, or..."
"What ever the other one is. That's what I'd rather do."
"You didn't even hear it! It could be strangling a hamster!"
"Cool. Whatever. Rather do anything other than move. Wait! Was it gonna be move or watch TMZ? Ahhh. No! I'd rather move! I'd rather move!"

Looking for places to live is not fun. For one, why do people show you apartments that people are living in? They'll walk you through an apartment that someone is living in, while they are at home living in it.
"Ah, well, here it is. That underwear won't be on the floor when you move in. Also, there won't be a man in the master bedroom crying because his girlfriend left him either. (whispers) That's why the place is up for rent. Well, what do you think? Clean up the empty whiskey bottles and broken glass from shattered picture frames and it's home sweet home, right?"

       

          "Don't mind him. He's just sad she took his shirts and mousepad. Anyway, move in Sept 1st?"

There isn't another apartment in the building that is empty that you could show? It has to be the EXACT one that I'd be living in? If I was buying a used car from you, would you show me one only when the owner is in it?
"Okay, there he is. Now, when he stops at this light, we'll jump in and you can get a test drive.... Annnn, NOW!"
(Jumps into car. Slam doors.)
"What the hell is going on?"
"Hey, you wanted me to sell your car, right? Well, I got a buyer here. Just keep driving. (Turns to potential buyer). So, as you can see, it's quite roomy. You can throw McDonald's bags on the floor here as he has if you wish, and the ashtray can hold about (dumps change from the ashtray into his hand and counts it) about six dollars and fifty cents. Any questions?"

Apartment brokers are a strange thing. You hire someone to look up apartments for you, to find exactly what you're looking for so that you don't have to worry about it. For that service, brokers charge a fee of one months rent that goes to them. I understand that, but if you look up an apartment yourself on craigslist, there should not be a fee. You found it!
"Hi. I'm calling about the piano you had for sale for 400 dollars?"
"Hey. Yes, it's four hundred dollars, plus a four hundred dollar finders fee."
"... Um, what do you mean? I found it. I didn't hire you to find it."
"But I put up the ad. You don't think I deserve four hundred dollars for that?"
"No!"
"Well, someone out there will. Good luck piano hunting."

Brokers will also try to talk you into things you don't want.
         

"Look, I know you're in the market for a suit, but what about this apartment! That funeral can wait. This beautiful space won't."

I'm sure with renting apartments years ago there was a bit of a 'I'll take your word on it' policy. Now? Absolutely not. You can't just get an apartment based on the fact that you used to pay rent at your old place. They want bank statements, pay stubs, two pieces of I.D., credit check, your whereabouts the night that a woman suspiciously disappeared,  and proof of income. There probably used to be a 'you seem like a good person' type attitude toward renting an apartment. Or at least someone could just talk to your former landlord and be comfortable knowing that you had always paid your rent. But then some jerks went and destroyed a place, didn't pay rent, and just split. So, because of them, the whole process is ridiculous.
"Okay, before I rent this place to you, I have a few questions. Do you smoke?"
"Nope."
"That's good. Do you own any pets?"
"Nope. Not one."
"Okay, great. Have you ever gotten 'the end of the week because I work very hard and you don't even appreciate what I do around here, Sarah! All you do is spend my money and bitch at me about not doing the laundry' drunk screaming match with your girlfriend, then split town without letting your landlord know and left your apartment looking like a dumpster behind Sizzler?"
"... What?"
"Hesitation, huh? Well, that can only mean one thing. Thanks for coming in."

"Why do I need seven references? Check out this room.... Yeah. So, who can I call? Do not say 'Shirley's Donuts."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

ADD. Focus. Where?!

I've had ADD for a long time. My whole life? That makes sense. I don't know if you can get adult onset ADD. Some people say they have ADD because they can't stop looking at their phones. That's not ADD. In the eighties when kids had ADD, they weren't just standing in the kitchen looking at a phone hanging on a wall.

"Chris! I'm talking to you! Why do you keep looking at the phone?"

"Huh? What? Oh, I don't know. What were you saying?"

"I was saying that you have to clean your roo... stop looking at the damn phone! It's not ringing!"

"I think it just beeped! Oh, that was my Krang action figure. Wait! It just rang! I told you!"

ADD does not mean your just look at electronics. It means your brain is wired different than most people.

I wasn't diagnosed with it as a kid because I was quiet. Actually, I wasn't diagnosed with it because my brother and I are close in age, and when he came around, he was given the attention for it. Did I have it? It's a little bit harder to spot in me. Did HE have it? No damn question. None at all. The man was always jumping around, yelling about something, talking nonsense. In his own words, he has 'Super Saiyan' ADD. Regular Goku gets less attention than Super Saiyan Goku.

"What's Goku doing?"

"He's just sitting there, staring off into space. Nothing big."

"Whoa! Now he's turning into a giant ape and he's talking about video games!"

"Oh no! Now this, I will pay attention to."

So, I wasn't diagnosed as a kid, and went to school where I'm sure teachers figured I had it. I was always told in school that I talked too much. 'Nathan is smart, but he talks to much'. 

Teachers HATE talking. Students talking and asking questions is most teachers kryptonite.

"Okay, class, today we're going to learn quadratic functions."

"What will we need those for?"

"Ah... just do them..."

"But, I'm just wondering when I will need to use them as an adult?"

"...Ugh... losing power... can't... contain an air of control while... being questioned... Get out... before I lose all... motor skills.... GET OUT!"

I was kicked out of class all the time, and because of that, suspended a lot. Suspensions led to an expulsion. I went back the next year and was on the honour roll, but still. I was expelled. Since I wasn't a kid who couldn't just sit and do the work they were told to do without asking questions about it, I was punished. Because my brain does not allow me to learn the way that 90% of the world does, I'm a problem? I'm expelled the same way that people who fight are? I'm on THAT level?

"You punched a woman in the face for her FUBU jacket. You're expelled. And Nathan, you asked your chemistry teacher while you'll need to know about moles? ... Wow! You asked a TEACHER a question Get the hell out right now."

During high school, I was really bored in class. I could talk and write tests at the same time, so I would. Teachers would tell me I was disrupting others, and I'm sure I was, but what  was I supposed to do? I'm smart and have ADD, and we're writing a test about Canadian history. You gave me a full hour! I'm gonna focus on a high school test about birch bark canoes as if I'm trying to disarm a bomb that only has a minute left on the timer?

"Nathan. Here's a test you could have passed when you were twelve. Give it your undivided attention."

"Okay. I need gloves, a pair of scissors, and thirty five seconds alone. Don't worry. I'm gonna get an eighty five percent on this thing."

ADD also plays apart in what I do. The way my brain works, I'm not a fan of joke jokes.  It's not that I don't 'like' like jokes, (does that make sense?) they just irritate me. Monologue jokes on late night shows is a good example. Not that they are doing anything wrong. It's not the jokes fault or the person delivering it, it's my brain. My brain just sees it and says,

"I get it. This happened, then that happened. This is too linear. God, I'm annoyed at this. I'm bored out of my damn mind. How are people enjoying this? Doesn't anyone else want to yell, 'What's with all the huge pauses? Why are you taking these extended vacations between set ups? Talk for god sake! Would a real human being say, "Hey, I went to the store the other day, and something weird happened............ it was this." Just say the damn thing! Say it! I'm beyond frustrated right now."

These are the thoughts that go through my brain. Again, not anyones fault, and I don't think there's anything wrong with this style of joke telling or the people that do it, it's just how my mind works. For me, I have to go off track, I make things up on stage, I jump around between topics. It's what works for me.

Stand up sometimes has to be somewhat linear. Doing jokes on TV, or showcasing for festivals, they want to know exactly what you are going to say. This used to be a problem for me. I can't stand the a to b of things. When I first started showcasing, I would just eat it. Maybe not all the time, but to me it felt that way. I was always told to do old jokes on festivals and TV. Do old jokes that I know work. I can't do that! I figured out what works for me. If I have to do eight minutes for TV or a showcase, I will do one or two new things with some other stuff I've been doing for a bit. Anytime I've done something on TV, I will do something pretty new to comedians standards. Like one or two months old. If I don't, everything I say will sound dry and awful. I'll look like I'm bored.

"Nathan! You just performed on TV but you looked like you were cycling through NetFlix. What movie do you think you'll pick?"
"Man, I'm not sure. Right now it's between Fast Five and VHS. Suggestions?"

ADD makes it so hard for me to stay excited about things for a long time. I get crazy addicted to things and then I'm done with them. Songs, shows, games. Even clothes. I went through a faze where I was in love with polos for some reason. I had about nine all in different colours. Then one day, boom. Didn't like them anymore. Haven't worn one since.

"Hey, do you have a problem with polo shirts? I don't see you guys together anymore."

"... I don't want to talk about it."

"You guys used to be so close, though. Did something happen?"

"I said I don't want to talk about it, okay? Wait... why do you ask? Did polos ask about me?"

I do that with projects, jokes, everything. It's very hard for me to stay excited about things long term. I have to trick myself into staying excited.

It works against me in some social situations as well. I can be in a group of people and feel that I'm not apart of it. My mind doesn't stop enough sometimes to focus on what's going on in front of me. I feel alone in some social situations. I'm not great at them all the time. I'm trying to focus on people and talk, but my mind is jumping all over the place. 

It's even hard for me to write these. I could have these done in an hour if it wasn't for ADD. I sit here changing songs, checking Twitter, going to the kitchen, coming back, going back to the kitchen for no real reason, watching a video of a guy beat a level in a video game, read some news, come back to the blog, just completely zone out and think about life, go back to the kitchen for one pretzel, check phone, decide that 'Badlands' by Bruce Springsteen will be played ten times in a row, back to blog. And now, I believe I'm done. Pretzel.

Twitter @Nathanmacintosh