Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

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Filtering by Tag: acting

Veterans and War movies.

I am not a fan of war movies. In so many recent war movies just about all of them now have beautiful, built men to play the soldiers. No non models can be here. Really? EVERY soldier that goes to war has perfect hair and sweet abs? 

"I want to fight for our country!"

"With THOSE cheek bones? Please. We're trying to win this war with force, not by making the enemy puke from looking at disgusting faces. Here, we wouldn't even let you work in the kitchen. Now, put this bag over your head and get out!"

If they do have anyone in a war movie who doesn't look like they work out with the Rock, they play the wiener. The guy who wasn't a 'real' man outside of this, and joined the army to grab some backbone,

"Out there, I was pushed around by my boss at Staples. But now, I just threw a grenade through that hospital window. With these skinny little arms! I'm gonna smack Darryl right in his face when I get back. 'All the printers should have paper in them.' They're not even on, Darryl! They're floor models! See you in town months, dirtbag."

How the hell can everyone be built? Where is the time for all this working out? 

"Alright, we're in a tight situation here. The enemy is all around. We're going to be locked down here for a couple days until backup comes to get us."

"What? A couple days? What about the gym?"

"The gym?! Look, we're in real trouble here. Staying alive is the priority, not the gym."

"I don't care that we are surrounded by enemies. Today's tri's. I'm DOING my dips."

"You can't leave! You could get shot!"

"Well let them shoot me! But I'll tell you this, they are NOT shooting a hole in my work out routine. Tri's. Dips. TODAY!"

Movies about war tend to be all the same as well. Bunch of guys who get locked together in a foxhole or team or tank or battalion or whatever, get into a fight about the tank or foxhole or team leader or who is the strongest in this battalion or whatever, learn that they need each other in this team or tank or battalion or whatever, and by the end basically fall in love.

"You know, at first I hated you, Dallas. You were a real dick. But now, after we held that gun together, both pulled the trigger at the same time, and killed those nameless guards, well hell, I knew that you'd be at my wedding."

Another reason, is that reviews for war movies will always talk about these things as if it's even close to actual war. 

"In this movie, a gorgeous actor with abs is so believable. It's as if he actually went to war, what with his facial contortions and dirty hands. I really thought I was watching a guy go to war! This film is so gritty. It's grittier than war. War has never been this real. This movie about war makes WWII look like Beverly Hills Chihuahua."

It was a movie set! They put dirt on their hands! There was never a point in time when any of these actors were in danger. Never a time when anything was going to have them fearing for their lives. Also, how can an actor playing a soldier make more money than an actual soldier that went to an actual war? How! These are people who fought for a country for someone to have the chance to act in. The chance for others to work in, and they have to worry about finances? 

"I played a soldier in a movie."

"Well holy jesus! You're a hero! Here are millions of dollars, all the women,  and accolades. You're good!"

"I am a soldier. I fought for this country."

"People care a bit! Here's a couple bucks, keep paying your taxes, and if things go south, we go plenty of sidewalks for you to sleep on!"

A soldier who went to an actual war should never have to worry about money. That should be one of the things with coming back. Your rent is paid, you don't pay tax. Not half price off boneless wings at Applebees. The same Applebees that would give the actor who played a soldier this boneless wings for nothing. 

"No, please. It's on us. We're just so happy you came into our humble little building!"

"Excuse me, can I get some more water?"

"Ohhhhhh, look at this. A veteran needs some more water. Why don't you just calm down? I'm TALKING to a LEGEND at this TABLE so if you could PLEASE just wait a minute? God. Sorry about that, actor. As I was saying, it's on us."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh