Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

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Filtering by Tag: Scholarships

Miss America.

For eighty eight years, the Miss America pageant has taken place. On Sept 14th, the eighty eighth Miss America was crowned. A New Yorker. Did anyone watch? Not EVERYone, but it gets people. About ten million people watched this years pageant. Does anyone really know what this is for? Are there a ton of people growing up now saying that they would like to be Miss America? What the hell is this thing?! 

From what I can tell, it seems to be the longest running reality show in history, pitting people against each other to go to school. The grand prize is, school money. Yep. That's it. Scholarships. Not a spaceship. Not a key to America. Money to go to school. Either you work really hard, or you have to show up at a mall and jump through hoops like a dolphin to go. Does that make sense to have now as a thing? In 2014? Why don't we have a Fear Factor for people to go to school? 

"Alright, these people really want to go to Harvard. Are their grades good enough? Sure. But, have they eaten a BallDucken? That's a duck stuffed with balls. They're about to! On this edition of "You wanna go to school and get smart? Do something dumb to get there, stupid!"

Okay, so they don't eat balls. So what do they do? There is a swimsuit competition, an evening wear competition because lord knows, you might look good in a one piece but just AWFUL in a Vera Wang. Talent portion, and they also tell you what they'd do about certain issues in the country. Weird, huh? That's a strange way to get a scholarship. 

"Hmmm. You want to go to school? Well, what do you look like in a bikini?"

"What? That's what you want to know? Alright. Here."

"Nice. Those are nice curves. You're not a fatty. Good job. Now, how do you look in an evening gown?"

"You think I brought an evening gown? Well, turns out I did."

"Woa. You look nice. Like nice like I'd like to take you out nice. Alright, you sing or anything? Dance? Play checkers well? Women, REAL women, should look great and be able to play the thimbles or something."

This year, the woman who won Miss America's talent was sitting on the floor, playing with a cup, singing Happy. That's right. Sitting. On the floor. Playing with a cup. That's a talent that shouldn't even win Miss Kindergarten.

"Look what I can do, guys! I can colour inside the lines! Miss Kindergarten, here I come."

"Really? With that? Don't think so. That kid over there? Chugging glue while singing the Star Spangled Banner. Get a clue, JESSICA."

There was a woman who could speak into a puppet. There were dancers. There were people who REALLY took time to practice their talent. And then, there was a woman, who sat on the floor, and played with a cup. A cup. Hit a cup on the floor, clapped, and sang a song. 

Just getting women to perform and strut around for scholarships. Is that not a thing we find weird? That's just a thing that is alright? It made sense in the 20's when women were barely people. 

"Hey, these women want to go to school."

"That's cute. I want to sex them while they are baking. One of those things is going to happen easier than the other."

"We could get them to take their clothes off to go to school?"

"Sure. We could also make them take their clothes off because we're men telling them to do it."

"Look, can we just try this pageant thing?"


Strange to me that Miss America ends up just being a student. You get crowned 'Miss Country', and you go to school. So, are women who are already students Miss America? Are there a whole bunch of Miss Americas in schools right now? If I have to juggle, wear a speedo, and tell people what I would do if I was the President to get a year membership to the YMCA, I'm not better than people who already have memberships. Even if they do call me 'Captain Laps in the pool whenever'. I can't walk in there with my head held too high.

"Hello others. i at a Ballducken, and now I can get on the basketball court with immunity."

"A ballducken? We just paid to be here. Nobody saw us eat balls."

"Yes, I know, that's why I am Captain Laps In The Pool Whenever. And you, are just Kevin."

- This also might mean that school price are too high, when instead of being able to get a job and work to pay it off, they are willing to give you the money if you jump around for it. Is that not weird? People want you to go to school, but also make it so expensive that you have to get judged by other humans who are not NEARLY in the shape you are in to do it? 

We're told that education is the most important thing. That everyone, whether going to school or not, should try to get as much education as possible. That people who DO go to school are great. Are hero's. Are the people who have everything open to them. But with things like this, we aren't respecting people who want to go. We are telling them, sure, get good grades, try hard, or, work out a lot, figure out what you would do about guns, and start playing with cups.