Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

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Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

Filtering by Tag: People

Don't lean your seat back on a plane or bus.

We get it, you deserve to be in first class. You're not supposed to be back here with these commoners. These peasants. You're a king! A queen! They must have made a mistake with your ticket.

“Economy class? No, no, no, no. That's not right. I mean, I know I BOOKED an economy class ticket, but that's not where I'm supposed to be. Look at me! I'm gorgeous! I have a leather jacket on! My hair is done! I'm reading a People Magazine! This can't be! Well, if I HAVE to sit back here, I'll ACT as if I'm in first class. Seat, like Fat Joe says, lean back!”

Look, we ALL wish we were up there. We all see the perks as we kick our bags through the section to the back of this tube. Your own armrest. Drinks the entire flight. Not having to put your knees in the seat pocket in front of you.

“Umm, this may sound strange, but I found knee caps in this pouch?”

“Hmmm. Must have been from the last person who flew in that seat. They did drag themselves out of here by their arms screaming and crying the whole way. Do you want me to throw them out so you can place yours there? Or do you want to hand me your knees and place them in the overhead bin?”

We ALL want more room, but guess what - in economy, we don't have it.We are in the back of this plane, smashed together like the luggage we are sitting above. And like that luggage underneath, for christ sake we have to work together on this flight. So DO NOT lean your seat back.

When you lean your seat back, you are saying to the person behind you, 'Hey, dirt bag, do I care that your legs already don't fit? Do I care at all that my chair is your table, and when I lean it back your bagel and coffee could pour into your lap? No. No I don't. So suck me, bud. Here comes that crotch coffee!'

To continue to be a good person on this planet, we all have to understand that we are all flying through the sky TOGETHER. Unless you own a plane or you're Richard Branson or a new music artist who thinks the money will never stop, you are flying with other people. And with that, we have to do what is good for everyone. You leaning your seat back helps you. It helps you and slowly kills the people behind you. If you're driving in a two door car in the front seat and someone has to get in the back, what would a human being do? The human being in the front seat would say, 'Hey person in the back seat, do you need some more room?' What would a horrible monster of a person do? Just jam their seat back, ask no questions, and ignore the screams of pain from the person in the back seat.

“What? Your legs are bleeding? Man, this song sure is great, huh? Woooooo!”

Leaning your seat back makes everyone have to lean their seat back. You give them no option. If you lean yours back and the person behind you doesn't, then they are going to be taking a bite of your seat.

“Would you like a complimentary snack, sir?”

“Nope. All good. I really have a hunk of this leather going right now. Hopefully this guy leans back farther so I can get a bite of his seat belt. Mmm hmmm, this seat is good. What year is this? '86?”

And in all seriousness, is leaning it back helping you in anyway? So you get another degree of arch in your back. Good. Comfortable now, huh? Just like your bed at home. Just like your favourite chair.

“I can't wait to get home and relax. I'm gonna lean my Lazy Boy back a sweet and sexy two centimetres. Upright is so uncomfortable. Scarily close to upright is where the real action is. THAT'S how you really relax. Right near the edge of upright.”

We want to lean our seats back because we can. It's part of the package. We paid for these seats and lord knows were not getting that much from it. I'm sure soon they'll even charge you to do that.

“Excuse me. Something seems to be wrong with my seat. It won't lean back.”

“Oh, you just have to insert your credit card here and then follow the prompts to...”

“Wait, my credit card?”

“Yes, sir. It's $3.99 to put your seat back. Next year we're going to be charging $5 for passengers to be allowed to put their feet on the floor.”

I get it. So, if you can't adhere to this rule, and have to lean your seat back, at LEAST look behind you first. Don't just lean it back without looking. Do you just throw yourself out of your drive way without glancing in the mirror?

“All right. The car is warmed up. I have GOT to get to the grocery store RIGHT NOW, so no need for the mirror. Just put this in reverse and punch it! ...All right. Only hit one dog. And it wasn't my fault because I didn't see it!”

There is a person behind you! Check to see what the hell they are doing before you just throw your head back. You could be crushing a laptop screen! You could be throwing eggs into their chest! You could be jamming eyeliner into their eye! It will not kill you to turn around. Even to ask. Bet nine times out of ten people will say that it's cool, even though it's taken up their space.

“Yo, you care if I put my seat back in your face, leaving you with only a couple of inches to breath and generally move, so that I can be slightly more comfortable and you can be infinitely less comfortable?'

“....Sure, no problem.”

twitter @nathanmacintosh

Fringe people. Do they get gifts?

Christmas time! That means presents and gifts for people you really know, and maybe some for some you don't. Who do you get gifts for? Everyone you know? Only people that have been to your house? It's hard to tell. Here is a list of fringe people in your life and whether you should get gifts for them. 

Person at work you want to sex.

Do you get them a gift? Everyday they walk through the office and you want to blow them. So does that mean they get a gift? If you've never slept with them, this could be a way in. But even better, don't get them anything. You know who people want to have sex with? People who they think hate them. 

A guy you work with who tells you racist jokes.

I mean, this guy is always on. Always on racist jokes, but still. They are always racist. Does this guy need a gift? He's made you laugh a couple of times. He has great thoughts about polish people and black people walking into the same bar. But no, this human does not need anything from you.  Around this time of year, just laugh extra hard at these dumb jokes in lieu of a gift. That's all he wants anyway. You could even tell him a joke in his style.

"A racist man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a gift. The bartender says, 'Stop telling these ridiculous jokes, Barry! It's 2014!"

Your girlfriends best friend.

No. 

Dad of a guy you met five times.

This one is tough. You met a guy five times. But, you liked him. You'd like to hang out with him more. How do you do that? You can't give him a gift. You only met him five times! That's insanity. So, get his dad a gift. Yeah! Dads don't get a lot of gifts as it is. Also, the guy you met five times will appreciate the fact that you went out of your way to hunt down his dads address, break into his house and find out what size his shirt is, and get him a shirt! You'll be hanging out with that guy for the sixth time, and his dad will  be shocked by a gift from a human he doesn't know. 

You're a man. A best friends wife.

 

Can you just get her a gift for her alone? Well, no. Not unless you are trying to steal her away from your best friend. Not unless you are secretly doing the Christmas Secret Santa stocking stuffer under the tree sex dance. If you are not, you have to get her and him a together gift, and give it to them while they are together. Or just mail it to them or whatever. But gift for her alone and given to her alone? You are not a good person. You are a demon who can not be trusted around anyone's partner. 

The cashier you see every week grocery shopping.

You two have a repoire. You have over twelve items? She waves you in anyway. You don't have your points card for the discounts and sales? She gives them to you anyway. So, Christmas time, do you give them a gift? No. For gods sake. Of course not. This is a CASHIER, at a place that you SHOP. Is it your mom? Your sister? Somebody at work that you want to do the Christmas wrapping pantsless eggnog dance with? Then no. You want others to see you handing a gift to a cashier? Your funeral, bud. Your funeral.

Jesus Christ. Lord and Saviour. 

The whole day is supposed to be celebrating him. He died for our sins, and was born on Christmas so that we could all wear sweatpants and go buy popcorn in the theatre. So, do you get Jesus a gift? First, what do you get the man who has everything? Do you get him anything anyway? Answer is... no. What an ignorant thing to get Jesus a gift. He's the son of god! You work at Wal- mart! He needs something from you? Please. He can turn water into wine. He doesn't need your chotchkies. Also, how do you get it to him? Leave it at a church? Throw it into the sky? Just calm down. He's fine without the 'Don't Pray To Me Before I've Had My Morning Coffee' mug.

twitter @nathanmacintosh

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