Don't lean your seat back on a plane or bus.

We get it, you deserve to be in first class. You're not supposed to be back here with these commoners. These peasants. You're a king! A queen! They must have made a mistake with your ticket.

“Economy class? No, no, no, no. That's not right. I mean, I know I BOOKED an economy class ticket, but that's not where I'm supposed to be. Look at me! I'm gorgeous! I have a leather jacket on! My hair is done! I'm reading a People Magazine! This can't be! Well, if I HAVE to sit back here, I'll ACT as if I'm in first class. Seat, like Fat Joe says, lean back!”

Look, we ALL wish we were up there. We all see the perks as we kick our bags through the section to the back of this tube. Your own armrest. Drinks the entire flight. Not having to put your knees in the seat pocket in front of you.

“Umm, this may sound strange, but I found knee caps in this pouch?”

“Hmmm. Must have been from the last person who flew in that seat. They did drag themselves out of here by their arms screaming and crying the whole way. Do you want me to throw them out so you can place yours there? Or do you want to hand me your knees and place them in the overhead bin?”

We ALL want more room, but guess what - in economy, we don't have it.We are in the back of this plane, smashed together like the luggage we are sitting above. And like that luggage underneath, for christ sake we have to work together on this flight. So DO NOT lean your seat back.

When you lean your seat back, you are saying to the person behind you, 'Hey, dirt bag, do I care that your legs already don't fit? Do I care at all that my chair is your table, and when I lean it back your bagel and coffee could pour into your lap? No. No I don't. So suck me, bud. Here comes that crotch coffee!'

To continue to be a good person on this planet, we all have to understand that we are all flying through the sky TOGETHER. Unless you own a plane or you're Richard Branson or a new music artist who thinks the money will never stop, you are flying with other people. And with that, we have to do what is good for everyone. You leaning your seat back helps you. It helps you and slowly kills the people behind you. If you're driving in a two door car in the front seat and someone has to get in the back, what would a human being do? The human being in the front seat would say, 'Hey person in the back seat, do you need some more room?' What would a horrible monster of a person do? Just jam their seat back, ask no questions, and ignore the screams of pain from the person in the back seat.

“What? Your legs are bleeding? Man, this song sure is great, huh? Woooooo!”

Leaning your seat back makes everyone have to lean their seat back. You give them no option. If you lean yours back and the person behind you doesn't, then they are going to be taking a bite of your seat.

“Would you like a complimentary snack, sir?”

“Nope. All good. I really have a hunk of this leather going right now. Hopefully this guy leans back farther so I can get a bite of his seat belt. Mmm hmmm, this seat is good. What year is this? '86?”

And in all seriousness, is leaning it back helping you in anyway? So you get another degree of arch in your back. Good. Comfortable now, huh? Just like your bed at home. Just like your favourite chair.

“I can't wait to get home and relax. I'm gonna lean my Lazy Boy back a sweet and sexy two centimetres. Upright is so uncomfortable. Scarily close to upright is where the real action is. THAT'S how you really relax. Right near the edge of upright.”

We want to lean our seats back because we can. It's part of the package. We paid for these seats and lord knows were not getting that much from it. I'm sure soon they'll even charge you to do that.

“Excuse me. Something seems to be wrong with my seat. It won't lean back.”

“Oh, you just have to insert your credit card here and then follow the prompts to...”

“Wait, my credit card?”

“Yes, sir. It's $3.99 to put your seat back. Next year we're going to be charging $5 for passengers to be allowed to put their feet on the floor.”

I get it. So, if you can't adhere to this rule, and have to lean your seat back, at LEAST look behind you first. Don't just lean it back without looking. Do you just throw yourself out of your drive way without glancing in the mirror?

“All right. The car is warmed up. I have GOT to get to the grocery store RIGHT NOW, so no need for the mirror. Just put this in reverse and punch it! ...All right. Only hit one dog. And it wasn't my fault because I didn't see it!”

There is a person behind you! Check to see what the hell they are doing before you just throw your head back. You could be crushing a laptop screen! You could be throwing eggs into their chest! You could be jamming eyeliner into their eye! It will not kill you to turn around. Even to ask. Bet nine times out of ten people will say that it's cool, even though it's taken up their space.

“Yo, you care if I put my seat back in your face, leaving you with only a couple of inches to breath and generally move, so that I can be slightly more comfortable and you can be infinitely less comfortable?'

“....Sure, no problem.”

twitter @nathanmacintosh

Disappearing planes.

Planes are disappearing. And we, are just still walking the earth. Over three hundred people have just disappeared! Just straight up, not here. Checked into the flight, and then turned into a magic act.

"Here's my boarding pass and passport."

"Okay. And you know there's a two drink minimum for the performance?"

"What performance?"

"Oh. You'll see."

These flights that have disappeared recently have been in Southeast Asia, and for some reason in North America, people act as if that means nothing.

"Yeah, it's crazy. But it's over there."

These are planes! Just evaporating! Big planes! Planes that people went on-line, bought a ticket for, and checked into! Gone! That's insane. And we just can't find them? The world has found fugitives who've changed their names and looks, no planes. There's been people who have been found on this planet who have zero internet connection, have lived in isolation forever. No planes. Can't we get some of these same people on the case? 

"Hey, remember when you found that one dude who had a plan to kill the President?"

"Oh yeah. Found him under a rock in Bolivia wearing an 'I'm not THAT guy t-shirt." Brought him right in."

"Okay. Well we need you to do that again. Need you to find over three hundred people, and two planes."

"Woa, woa, woa. Did you say two planes? Over three hundred people? Impossible. That's not a job I can take on."

How can't these be found? Can't we get some actual magicians involved? Everything else that happens, we get people who have experience in that subject to speculate on TV. Obama does something, political analysts are asked about it. Sports? We talk to athletes, former athletes about what's going on. David Copperfield made the Statue Of Liberty disappear once. Where the hell did he send that? Maybe these planes are in the same vortex. Ask him! Magicians should be on TV all day speculating and giving their opinions. 

"Hmmm. Where would I send a plane if I was to make it disappear? Well, there's a warehouse in Jersey with trap doors that I've used a bunch. Maybe there. Oh! Or that weird realm between reality and the other world. I've sent a couple things there and never got them back. Could be there. Warning, if you're going in there? Wear a helmet and bring a bible. That place is SCARY."

Two planes, big planes, just completely disappear in the same year, and we're supposed to still get on planes? Man. I don't like flying as it is. It's not fun, not one part of it, and not only could this thing go down, it could end up nowhere? It's getting hard to follow their rules.

"We are starting our final descent, place your tray table and seat in their upright and locked position."

"Hey, we are lucky to be touching down in a place where people can see and touch us. I'm keeping this table down in celebration! It's a party!"

"Sir, please sit down."

"Are you kidding me? We didn't end up in another dimension? I'm up! I'M UP! See you soon, Buffalo!"

twitter @nathanmacintosh