Ebola. Not me. Not you.

Well, we did it again. We figured out another disease to scare people with. A few years ago, it was bird flu. Then swine flu. Then we skipped right over lizard cough, tiger itch, giraffe throat and went straight to Ebola. No animal attached to this. Just a horrifying, scary disease that apparently makes you melt from your face and gives everyone something to talk about. People in NY that I talk to are horrified that they are going to get Ebola. You have a better chance of getting a G train in under twenty minutes then getting Ebola.

"Where the hell is this train! I've been waiting forever!"

"Me too."

"Who the hell are you?"

"I'm the Ebola strand. You haven't been watching TV?"

I get the talking about it, but do we have to keep showing the Ebola strand? Is that helping anything? It's like Ebola is on America's Most Wanted.

“This strand is not a fan of your average man. It started its trail of crime in West Africa, terrorizing the locals before heading to America to gain a foothold on another market. If you have any info about this purple menace, call 1-888-Don't-Share-A-Drink-With-That-Strand.”

What does showing the strand do? You can't see it! What are we supposed to do with that information? If we see a sick person, cut them open and get a real good look?

“Steve, this looks just like the strand they keep showing on TV. I think you have to leave my house. And stop bleeding on your way out!”

Also, can we get a better name for it? Something that really brings the weight to the situation? Like 'Melt Your Face' disease? 'Fluids Through Your Eyes' affliction? Ebola sounds like a country you don't want to go to.

“Where'd you vacation?”

“Ebola. Awful food. Too hot. Nobody slept with me. Terrible place.”

Barack named Robert Klain as the Ebola Czar to coordinate US efforts to contain the outbreak. The Ebola Czar. Doesn't that sound like a person who throws Ebola at people?

“I am the Czar of Ebola! I am the one passing it around. Fear me or I will send it your way!”

Is there not a better name for that position? Ebola container? Tupperware of Ebola? The Ebola stopper guy? The dude who'll box up Ebola? But Czar? Why don't we start calling police officers the Sultans of Crime? Or judges the Lords of Justice? Can't wait to see who Barack appoints the Ayatollah of the Flu.

Nobody is going to get Ebola. It is not going to spread throughout the universe. This is not the 1800s. You might get it if you are trying to. If you are walking around, screaming into the night that Ebola ain't shit, and getting everyone to spit at you, you might, MIGHT, get it. Just living your life? Getting on trains with strangers? You are not getting it. 

"You hear me, Ebola!? I'm calling you a bitch! Fear me, Ebola! FEAR ME!"

"Look, sir. I don't know what to charge you with, but as an officer, I have to tell you to at least calm down. Go home, sleep whatever this is off, and talk to Ebola tomorrow when you have a clearer head."

I don't think it's as big a deal as they say it is, because a couple of times an American apparently gets the disease in Africa, and they fly them back to America for treatment. Fly them back here. Now, if the disease was THAT crazy a thing, wouldn't you keep the affected American over there, and send people to them? Why in the HELL would you put someone that you KNOW has Ebola, on a PLANE and fly them to densely populated America?

"Jesus Christ, this disease got one of our own."

"Should we send people over to them?"

"Send people where? To Africa? Have you ever BEEN to Africa? They got nothing over there! No, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I'd rather every American get Ebola than EVER said four of them over to Africa."

Flu is a legit thing to worry about. You ever had the flu? It feels like you just got Ebola. It ain't cool AT ALL.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh