Nathan Macintosh

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

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Filtering by Category: "money"

People that should be paid more money.

There are a lot of people out here making a lot of money. Bankers, rappers, Donald Trump. Does everyone who is making a ton of money deserve to be? I think there can be a case made. But, are there people out here not making enough money for what it is they do? Damn right, and here is a short list of them.

1. Pilots.
Man, come on. Pilots? Pilots need more money. Every single time they land, they are saving your life. Every time they take a plane from the air, not throw it into a tail spin that leads to a fiery crash over the woods of Kentucky, land that plane with a couple hundred people on it? Saving lives. These people, sometimes, sometimes not, are making about a hundred grand a year. A hundred grand. A year. To save lives every day. Now, some will say, 'How is landing saving lives? It's them doing their jobs.' Sure, one way to look at it. If someone in a restaurant makes you a great burger, that is them doing their job. If they forget to put pickles on it, you are not in a tube that is about to explode on impact. You see what I'm saying? Pay these damn people more.
"A hundred and forty hours in two weeks... two thousand dollars. Do I fly a chain restaurant?"

2. Truck Drivers.
Wooooaaaaaaa, truck drivers. Truck drivers have had jokes made about them for years. People say they are stupid, useless, fat, ugly, that they kill hookers. Haven't heard those things? Well, you would if you came to my house! Boom! Kidding. We can agree though that they are not looked upon as high level humans. BUT, without truck drivers, we pretty much wouldn't have nothing! Where does produce in the stores come from? How does your iPad make it to your nearest Apple mirrored funhouse? A fat, hooker killing truck driver drove it in. Okay, no more jokes about them being awful. They are great. They bring us everything we need. And how much do they make for this? Not too much. Around fifty grand a year. Fifty grand a year, to bring us things we can't live without! AND, they have to drive hours and hours, not sleep enough, not enough good food on the road, AND they don't get paid well, AND we don't respect them. Absolutely insane. More money to these people.
"My truck is full of food I have to deliver, but I can't afford anything on this menu. That's it. The Texarcana 'Shop And Save is going to be missing some oranges."

3. Cops.
Yes, all rappers hate them. Rappers hate them, which makes kids and white people in their 20's who refuse to mature at all hate them as well.
"Yo, fuck the cops."
"Why? You're a white guy from a suburb. They hurt you in any way?"
"Yeah. One time I was drinking in the woods underage and they took my Colt 45. Fuck these damn cops."
Cops are very necessary. There are for sure some bad cops. But that shouldn't make us hate them all. When we hear about serial killers, or baby eaters, or rapists, who goes after these people? You? A person who likes snap back hats and rolled cuffs on their jeans? You gonna hunt down the baby eating rapists? You gonna throw on one of the capes that Cam'ron made and hit the streets? Doubt it. Cops do. Cops in NY start at about thirty grand a year. After years, they can make around ninety grand a year. Ninety grand a year. To get shot at, stop a guy from cutting his wife's head off, be the first into a house where a child was just ripped in half, AND have everyone hate them. Cops need more money, man.
"Jesus! Yesterday a meth head with a knife, today a boa constrictor? And I can't afford to take the kids to Florida. What the hell?!"

4. McDonald's Employees working night shift.
How in the HELL do people who work at McDonalds from seven am to four pm make as much money as these heros who work from ten pm to five am? HOW? One has a busy shift, and the other has a busy shift while basically being on fire. Saying day shift should make as much as night shift is like saying whoever made the website for the marines should be paid as much as a goddamn marine who goes to war. We ever hear of danger pay? That's what the night shift McDoanlds people should get. Ninety percent of their shift is dealing with people who are too drunk to be anywhere else.
"Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. You're too drunk for this place. "
"Whatever. I'm not too drunk for McDonald's. I'll go over there and fight someone for a McFlurry."
McDonald's fight videos are almost always at night. People getting dragged out of the drive thru, getting swung at our a cash register, having people drive through the front window. And THEY don't make more money? Come on! A guy coming in at eleven am might fight you, but a guy coming in at two am tweaking on vodka and female rejection? He might bite you. You should be paid more for that.
"You make HOW much? Ohhhh, man. You need to get paid more for the pain I'm about to cause you."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Every movie has to be two and a half hours?

I remember a time when some movies were an hour and a half. If a movie was two and a half hours, it was usually because the acting was great, it was about a true event, and it was going to be nominated for an Oscar. Now? There's barely a movie that gets made that isn't as long as it takes to cook a pot roast.
"How long should I cook this turkey?"
"Toss Spiderman 3 on. When that's done, throw it out the window and never bring it into this house again. Also, that turkey will be done."
Some movies need to be two and a half hours. Movies about true events where the details and the story are crucial. They could have made Chaplin an hour and a half, but it was about a man's life. Hard to knock out details.
"I want to make movies! That's what I want to do!"
"Okay. Nobody's stopping you. Start making movies!"
"All right, I will!"
'And Charlie made movies. Very popular movies. He was banned from America for some stuff. The end.'
But there are a lot of movies that do not have to be this long.

For example, comedy movies. Why the hell do comedies need to be as long as Amistad? Pretty much every Judd Apatow movie is at least a half hour longer than it needs to be. They are funny, but there's a point when it's just overkill. Save some of the jokes for another movie. Funny People was one hundred and forty-six minutes. Amistad was one hundred and fifty-five. How does a comedy with Adam Sandler need to be nine minutes shy of a movie about the true story of a slave ship?
"Guys, I think I know how to stop racism. If I make a funny movie that's longer than a sad movie about slaves, I can break the curse."
"...What curse?"
"The curse of racism. It's only stuck around because of these long movies. Wait! I have to make this movie longer than Roots! THAT'S where the power of the curse lies! Get the writers back. We need to make this eight hours long. This curse will be destroyed!"

Even comedies that are fantastic don't need to be that long. Dumb and Dumber. That movie is crazy funny. It's one hundred and seven minutes long. And in that one hundred and seven minutes, I was given all of the information and jokes I needed to enjoy that movie. What's missing from it? Would it have been better if there were another forty-five minutes in it?
"That movie was great! It was funny and has one of the best endings ever. But… what happens to them when they walk away from the Hawaiian Tropic bus? Do they get jobs in the next town? Do they ever find love? Does Harry grow out of that ridiculous haircut? So many unanswered questions. I really wish it were longer."

Over the last few years, why have movies started to become so long? Were people complaining that they didn't have enough time to sit in the theatre chairs that lean back?
"Man, JUST when I get my chair leaned into the perfect position, the movie's over. I swear, Hollywood, stop cutting these off as soon as I get comfortable. Or maybe I should learn to get comfortable sooner. Nope, Hollywood's fault."
Were people upset that they didn't have the chance to stay in a building that charges $5.50 for bottled water? Was there a vote taken that people were upset that they weren't given enough time to finish the monstrous Coca Cola slushies and popcorn that they buy?
"Whoa, this is great. I really like thi... credits? What the hell?! I JUST spiked this slushie for the fourth time. Where am I gonna drink this now? In an alley? And how am I going to finish this tub of popcorn! I can't carry this home on the subway with me. I can't have people knowing I eat this much to myself! It has to be eaten in a dark room like everything else that is shameful. Man. They have to start making these longer."

Have they started making every movie long because of the price increase of the movies? Do they feel they owe us more because movies are fifteen dollars now?
"Look, we can't charge fifteen bucks and only give them an hour and a half of movie."
"What if the movie is really good? They'll probably leave with a beautiful feeling and tell everyone to go see it. If we just make it longer for the sake of making it longer, we'll bore them and they won't tell anyone to see it!"
"Answer me this. When have you ever paid fifteen dollars and not stayed in that place for two and a half hours?"
"Buying socks, picking up fruit, eating an upsized Big Mac meal, getting pants hemmed. How many of these do you want me to name?"
"That's enough. Now, if you had bought socks and could sit down and try them on for two and a half hours in a dark room with OTHER people who are doing the same thing, wouldn't you feel that you got your money's worth?"
"...No! There honestly couldn't be anything I can think of that would be worse. Why would anyone want to do that?"
"Because while you do that you can watch Tom Cruise do stuff! Drive cars. Blow things up. Do you see?!"
"...I... can't...I can't even... I have to leave."

Are movies longer now because most that come out are really bad? Is that it? There are some good movies coming out for sure, but there are a LOT of bad ones as well that still don't pull out at the hour and a half mark.
"All right, the movie is done and edited, and let me tell you – it stinks."
"What's wrong with it?"
"The story, the actors, the editing. The last one is my fault, but when you see a story and actors that are this bad, you don't care about editing it well."
"Oh, man. This is bad. People are going to hate it… I know! We'll make it longer, so they don't feel like they are getting ripped off!"
"...Whoa! I love that idea! How can you complain something was bad if you get a lot of it? It's like if you complain about your two-piece at KFC, and they give you six more pieces! The other six are still trash, but it's MORE OF THEM!"
"Exactly. So throw it all in. Continuity errors, boom mics in the shot, flubbed lines. We'll keep them in the theatre so long, they'll love it!"

The two and a half hour movie is becoming such a staple that soon people will probably be upset if theirs isn't that long.
"How was the movie?"
"Total rip! It was only an hour and forty minutes. Great movie, but come on? I mean, I paid for a babysitter! She's just gonna make thirty bucks for two hours of work?"
"...I'm the babysitter. You are talking to me."
"...Oh ...Yeah. Sorry. Do you mind if I give you the thirty next week? I bought Milk Duds... You want a Milk Dud?"
When is this long trend going to catch on with TV? I'm waiting for half hour sitcoms to become marathons.
"Did you see The Big Bang Theory last night?"
"Are you serious? I don't have a spare hour and a half."
"Man, it was a good one. The gang lost their apartment, got it back, beat ALL of Zelda: Ocarina of Time ON CAMERA, AND lost all of their virginities with a duration of five minutes each. It was epic. Took them an hour alone to get out of the water temple. With commercials! Just amazing."

Most movies do not need to be this long at all. We don't spend this much time on other things that are interesting. People can get through a zoo in less than two and a half hours. A zoo! A place that has beautiful, exotic, live animals. We can get all that we need out of that place in about an hour.
"Huh, look at that. A rhino. Never saw that before... All right, we ready to go home?"

Twitter@nathanmacintosh
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