Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

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Filtering by Category: "humour"

8 things a guy does that make you think he wants to be with you but that don't mean he wants to be with you.

So you've met a guy who you want to be with, and he has done some things that make you believe he FOR SURE wants to be with you. Are any of these the things? Then you might want to think again.

1. Sleeping with you.
So a man just put his business in your business. He wants to be with you, right? Wooooaaaaa. Slow down, 'what will our wedding song be?'. Two businesses colliding doesn't always mean good things. Remember the merger between Sony and Michael Jackson? Probably not, but it ended terribly. Michael thought Sony wanted to be with him because they put their business with his. He was wrong, and because of that, nobody heard 'Butterflies'. He's seen your butterfly, but it doesn't mean he wants it around him all the time.

                      "SONY told me at least TWO people would hear Butterflies! They lied."

2. You called your vagina a 'butterfly' in front of him and he didn't say anything.
So you're walking past a table you don't notice. Boom! You've slammed your vag into the edge. Hurt? Yes. But you can't just yell out, 'Ow! My vag! My goddamn vag!" in front of a man you've just started seeing. So you call it the name you've given it. 'Ow! My butterfly!' You pause, realize what you've done, and wait to see what his reaction is. He doesn't have one. You've just said the pet name you have for your vagina in front of your new guy and he didn't freak out! He must want to be with you! Woooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'time for a road trip to see if we're ready to live together'. He didn't say anything, but that doesn't mean he didn't think anything. He is NOT INTO that for sure. You think it's cute, sure, but what would you say if he smashed his junk in a car door and yelled, 'Ahhhh! My caterpillar!' ... Exactly.
      "Ohhhh! My magic rope! Ahhh. I don't know what happened. Still want to go to the theatre?"

3. Holding your hand in public.
So you're walking down the street with him, and he starts to hold your hand. In front of other people! In public! He must want to be with you, right? Woooooaaaa. Slow down, 'hopefully my dad will walk me down the aisle'. Women like men who are with other women. Women don't seem to be attracted to men who are walking the earth alone and depressed. He started to hold your hand to let other women around know that he's with a woman, which means he's worth being with. He's holding YOUR hand, but hoping that the girl with great legs locking up her bike notices.
            "Look, women of earth! I'm holding a woman's hand! You now find me dateable!"

4. Saying he wants to meet your friends.
So you're hanging out, and out of nowhere, he says he wants to meet your friends. He wants to meet your friends? He wants to know some of the people you've known your whole life? He must want to be with you! Wooooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'I always knew the right one would come along'. A man wanting to meet your friends does not mean that he wants to be with you. He thinks you're cute, so he wants to see if you have cute friends. Men like looking at women. You're a woman with access to other women. He's gonna want you to show them to him! Also, every girl has a friend of hers who she doesn't trust around men. He'd like to meet her.
     "Oh, THIS is your friend Sarah. She's nice. I can't understand why you didn't want me to meet her."

5. Saying, 'I want to be with you'.
A lot of girls fall for this one. The old 'I want to be with you' speech. Girls hear it and think, 'well, he for sure wants to be with me. He just said so!' Woooaaaa, slow down, 'we'll have blue wedding invitations'. Don't run off and get fitted for a dress just yet. What was the context when he said this? Were you laying naked in each others arms? Maybe he just doesn't want to have a naked argument. Being naked with a woman is supposed to be a good time, not a time to explain why you're not at a stage in your life where you can just commit to one person. Explaining yourself while a flaccid penis is floating around? Not a great time. Or maybe he said 'I want to be with you' while at dinner. Don't trust that either. He probably just wanted you to pass the breadsticks.
"Of course I want to be with you! Hey, do you mind passing me my phone? Thanks. Hello? No, man. I'm not busy. What's up?"

6. Saying he's not in this just for the sex.
He's seen you naked in every position possible, and you want to know if this is going somewhere. So you ask him if this is just for the sex. He looks you right in the eyes, and responds, 'No. I'm not in this just for the sex.' Oh, man! That's the answer! He wants to be with you! Woooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'his and hers matching towels.' Any man who has said this statement has said it for a reason. Does Kobe need to tell you he can hit 3's? Does Bill Gates need to tell you he's rich? Nope. So why would a man whose not in it just for the sex have to tell you that? Because he is COMPLETELY in this just for the sex, and is trying to throw you off the trail. If he wasn't, he would have said, 'of course not, stupid. Now let's watch season 7 of Seinfeld again.'
 "In it for the sex?! No, I just suffer through that to get to the Maestro episode. Hmmm. Oh, nothing. Oh, you want to do it again? Ugh. I mean,.... Yeeeeaaaaugh."

7. Taking you to meet his parents.
'Oh, wow. I'm meeting his PARENTS. Meeting the parents is a big deal. He must want to be with me!' Wooooaaaa. Slow down, 'we're getting engaged'. Not everyone thinks their parents are cool or care about their opinions. To some, introducing you to their parents is a big thing. It's a 'mom, dad, here's who I love and I want you to meet them because I am close to you'. For others, it's 'Look, I don't like you, and you don't like me. But for some reason, this is supposed to be a normal thing so I'm doing it. I don't care if you like this girl or not. I still have unresolved issues with you, and she's here to be a reason to bail at any minute. I don't like how you spoke to me? She suddenly has to work in twenty minutes.' Now you've wasted a weekend talking to people that he doesn't care about. Worse things have happened.
"Wait, so he doesn't even like you guys?" "Would he have ran onto that highway when I said he should have stayed in school if he did? Ahhhhh. Well, this is awkward. So, what do you know about our son? We haven't spoken in years."

8. He asks you to stay in the middle of the night after sex.
So, you've had sex. It's 2am. You've never stayed over before, and he says, 'why don't you just sleep here.' Oh, wow! He just asked you to stay over! He must want to be with you! Woooooaaaaa. Slow down, 'time to order my train.' He watched the news that night and heard that there is a guy whose kidnapping women in his area. What happens if you go outside at 2:30 am and are thrown into some maniac's trunk? The cops will talk to the person who saw you last, the man whose house you just left. And what's he gonna say to them? "Ummm, I asked her to leave because I'm not ready for a relationship." Now he's being questioned about where he was the last four nights that women were kidnapped. His alibi is you, but you can't be reached because you're in the back of an Oldsmobile Cutlass that's heading to the dock where you'll be sold to human traffickers. Is any of this worth it? No. So stay over, but don't read too much into it.
"Look, I told you I don't know where she is. I just met her! I asked her to leave because my mother never gave me the love I needed so I don't know how to be open with women. Is THAT a crime?"

9 Socially unacceptable ways to break up with someone that should be acceptable.

It's the summertime. People are breaking up all over the place! The only socially acceptable way to do it is to meet up with the human you no longer want to see and tell them face to face. Every thing else has stepped into the 21st century. Breaking up needs to as well. Here are ways that are not accepted but should be.

1. In a text.
Why is this one bad? NOBODY will say that texting someone is a good way of breaking up. Texting someone that you've been in an accident,  letting someone know they should get checked because you have a STD, or 'hey, you up?' at 4:30 am are all acceptable reasons to text. But texting someone 'don't ever text me again, we're done' is not? A lot of relationships start with a text, but you can't end it the same way? This one should be the industry standard. It is NOT though. The world would respect you more for writing 'We're Done!' on a copy of Planet Earth and throwing it through their window.

"What?! No! You can't break up with me in text?! You need to meet me! Why am I yelling at my phone!?"

2. Writing 'We're Done!' on a copy of Planet Earth and throwing it through their window.
Most people leave relationships with no parting gifts. This way you leave them with something other than just the feeling that they are a useless human being. Have you ever seen Planet Earth? It's fantastic. So, your windows broken, and you've just been dumped, but now you have David Attenboroughs sexy voice to tell you about the Serengeti. So, really, is anything that bad?

"Why would Brian do this?! Right through my window! It's just ridic... oh. The complete series. Huh. Well that's something. They care about me!"

3. Leaving a message at their job.
This one is just practical. They don't get bothered with a long phone call, they can enjoy their lunch undisturbed and come back to this message, they're away from home and all the sharp things there. Best is, now you're giving them a reason to be rude at work. Who would get upset with someone being a dick at work when you know they just got a message that said they have to pack their junk and move out?

         "You're girlfriend called. Said she's not your girlfriend anymore. Also, we need new computers."

4. Getting down on one knee in front of a crowd, making it look like you're going to propose, and saying 'Will you make me the happiest man on earth, and leave me the hell alone?'
You're allowed to be at a baseball game and make everyone watch you ask your girlfriend to marry you, why not get everyone watch you break up with her? Should be allowed. What's wrong with it? She gets some camera time, your outside enjoying the air, there's a BASEBALL game. What's the big deal? Plus, I'm sure there will be some guy in the stands who sees this and thinks, 'Wow. That's girls beautiful. And she's single!' You're letting men know that this lady is back in the ocean. It's free advertising!

 "Don't laugh. I'm serious. Will you please leave me alone? I wanted to come to the game with a friend."

5. Asking their parents to let them know.
Their parents brought them into this world, raised them, hurt them emotionally in ways that only showed up with they were almost thirty. They can for sure give them the news that you don't want to see them anymore. Some people ask their girlfriends dad if they can marry them. Why not tell the dad you want to do the exact opposite? If their parents live out of town, they'll wonder why you drove five hours to their house without their child. That's when you say it's because you have dignity, and that that is how much you want out of this relationship.

"We're just giving you the info, okay? Don't take it out on us. Maybe if you didn't wear Chucks he'd treat you like a real woman. Look at me! LOOK AT ME!"

6. Yelling 'We're done!' while you drive by them.
So, you see the person you've started to hate the last couple of weeks walking down the street enjoying an ice cream. You want to break up with them, but you have somewhere to be. What's the alternative? Roll your window down, and scream 'I've had enough!' while you speed past. You've killed three birds with one stone. Ended a terrible relationship, made them drop their ice cream, and still made it to the 1:30 showing of Grown Ups 2.

             "Pack your junk! We're done! I would have texted but it's illegal to do that and drive!"

7. Calling them.
Now, for gods sake, you can't call someone? Relationships start on less! A lot start from a message on OK Cupid.
"Hey, I also like cupcakes and the second season of The Wire! Want to get frozen yogurt?"
By calling them and ending it, you're being more personal than when you asked them out in the first place! Call them and tell them you wished you'd never clicked on their profile. And if they don't answer, fell free to leave a short message telling them what's wrong with them.

"I know it's been 40 years, but I'm done... You're on your way back from the grocery store? Yeah, I won't be here. Good luck with your last 15 years."

8. Email.
An email is just a longer text that you get later and hopefully has better spelling and grammar. It can even be much longer and nicer than a text. But this one is also hated by the earth. We all get emails all day. A lot of them are from people in Nigeria asking for money, telling you your penis is too small, why not one that decides how you are going to spend the weekend? You were supposed to go to the movies with your partner? Well, an email changed that! Now you're drinking. And you didn't have to meet up and have a real conversation to find it out.

"Dear human I've been dating. I don't want to do that anymore. This email explains that. The subject line that read 'Urgent! I no longer like you!' should have as well."

9. During a Christmas Dinner.
So, you're at your partners house for Christmas. You wanted to break up with them a month ago so it wouldn't get to this, but here you are. Asking their four year old cousin whose been kicking you under the table for twenty minutes to pass the salt. They throw it at you. You've had it! So you clink your glass, stand up, and say, "Look. I didn't want to be here. I don't want to be in this relationship anymore. I'm out, and I'm taking this turkey leg with me. Also, smarten up this stupid four year old. Isn't there a children's table?" So you ruined a families Christmas. It happens. But you just made yours a bit Merrier.

"Man, I would love to drive that straw right into his nose bone. I'd like to throw that book into his sisters face, too. Why wear a hat to Christmas dinner? AND bring a book? I hate this whole family. Picturing hot gravy spilling everyone really makes me happy."

twitter @nathanmacintosh

6 Ways to Get Your Loser Self Out Of Your House.

The world really seems to likes lists. Just about all articles now have become lists. In every paper, every magazine, on every site where something can be written, you'll find lists. Most of them are about ridiculous things.
'7 ways you know you're eating a sandwich', '12 ways to get into a parking spot', '47 people you have met in the dairy aisle', '13.5 things that only happen to people with straight hair', '75 ways to approach the girl at the bar who already told you that she won't give you her number and to please leave her alone'.
Just lists. Everywhere! For some reason they also insult you at times. People who write a list that is subjective will make fun of you for not agreeing with them.
"If you don't like number 4 on my Top 21 bosses from Megaman list you are an idiot! This isn't opinion. This is fact! What are you , stupid? You don't think that Snakeman is the 4th greatest Megaman boss of all time?! Well, just blow me, bud!"

People seems to like these, so I figured I would give people a bit of what they want. I've written a list article about a ridiculous thing and insulted you throughout.

"6 ways to get your loser self out of your house."

1. Throw your computer threw a wall because that's what's keeping you inside.
Sure, you want to go outside, but you've fallen into a worm hole on YouTube. You started out listening to your favourite rapper. Then, some how, you found yourself watching 'drive-thru fight' videos. "I'll just watch one more man slam a woman’s head of the drive-thru window for not giving him his nuggets, THEN I'll go outside" you say, but four hours go by. You've watched so many, you've started to agree with all of the maniacs who dragon kick sixteen year old kids wearing headsets making four dollars an hour. Then these get boring, so some crazy way, you find yourself on 'biggest pimple' videos. How'd this happen? You were about to go outside! It's your damn computer! You can do anything on it. Watch naked people do naked things, learn a new language, or just stream that movie that you can't get to see because you won't leave your house. Solution? Throw your computer threw a wall. There you go, stupid! Pick it up, and huck it at a wall! Sure it cost a bunch of money, but's it's taking your soul! What would you do if you were in the Mortal Kombat tournament and Shang Tsung was stealing your essence? You'd uppercut him and finish him by cutting him in half? Same thing. Finish your computer!

2. Put all of the snacks you keep buying outside of your house.
You keep going to the kitchen for chips, cookies, popsicles. I don't know what you buy, dummy. That's you! Couch to fridge, couch to fridge and back again. There's no outside here! Solution? Take a cooler outside and fill it with your dirt food. Boom! Now every time you want Triple Chunk Chocolate Chip cookies and that Cheeseburger Flavoured Fanta, you actually have to take your stupid self out into a world where people can yell at you and bugs can bite you. Now look at you! The guy across the street who you've always hated just called you a piece of garbage and you're running from bees, but you're OUTSIDE! That's the whole point of this article, so... suck it!

3. Oh, you're looking for an alternative to the door? Go out the window!
Look, EVERYONE uses doors. Everybody! Even the coolest of the cool use their stupid hands to turn a doorknob and swing a piece of wood out of their way. Kanye, Jay-Z, Bill Clinton, Jason Statham. All of these hacks use doors. Laaaaaammmmmmeeee! You want to be cool, you have to stand out, and why not stand out while also getting the hell out of your house! Time to crawl out a window like a boss. Sure, it'll look at first like you're climbing out of a window like a boss who just found out that his company is going under and doesn't want to face any of his employees, but hey, what do those losers know!? You're a trend setter. Soon, ALL of the cool people will use the window.
"Door? Please. I'm somebody. Roll the window of the car down and I'll shimmy in like I'm sneaking back into my moms house when I was sixteen after a night of drinking”.
You live above the second floor? Great! Not only do you get to climb out of your window, you also get to see if a sheet makes a good parachute. Here's hoping.

4. Can't get out of your house? Get evicted!
So, you're looking for a way out of your house. You can't find a good enough reason. I mean, INside you have air conditioning, every Leprechaun on NetFlix, and your collection of bottle caps. You can't get out of the house! Well, just stop paying rent. That's right, stop paying it! You can't be in a house if you don't have one. You stop paying rent, your landlord will kick you out. Maybe he's kind of a coward so he won't do it, but he'll call the cops and they'll throw you and your junk onto the street like Uncle Phil throwing Jazzy Jeff. There you go. You've done it! Now you are living on the street! No more fighting to get outside. It's your house!

5. Set it on fire.
Do YOU like being in a house that's on fire? Unless you are Ghost Rider, probably not. Can't seem to get motivated enough to get up off the couch and hit the gym? Simply take a bill that you didn't want to pay anyway, light if off of the stove and throw it onto the recycling you've been meaning to take out. Boom! Now you have a raging inferno in your kitchen that will spread through out the house quickly if you spray some WD-40 on it. Boom! House is on fire. You have to get out or you're going to die. You did it! You're outside. Now go to the gym, and try not to think about all of your belongings being engulfed in flames. Probably for the best anyway. You had WAY too many cardigans.

6. Just get out, bud!
Yeah, just get the hell out of your house! I mean, what's stopping you? You know those things you have underneath you? Or dangling from a chair while you stare out a window wondering what happened to your cigarettes? They're called legs! They are used to move from place to place. Just stand on em, and kick them out in front of each other. That's it! Put some shoes on them as well if you plan on going into any establishment at all. You don't have legs that work? Well, you probably have crutches, or a cane, or a wheelchair that does. You have stairs and no one is around to help you down? Just throw yourself down them and crawl for the door! Man, do I have to figure out everything for you?

Twitter @nathanmacintosh
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