Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

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Filtering by Category: "cops"

People that should be paid more money.

There are a lot of people out here making a lot of money. Bankers, rappers, Donald Trump. Does everyone who is making a ton of money deserve to be? I think there can be a case made. But, are there people out here not making enough money for what it is they do? Damn right, and here is a short list of them.

1. Pilots.
Man, come on. Pilots? Pilots need more money. Every single time they land, they are saving your life. Every time they take a plane from the air, not throw it into a tail spin that leads to a fiery crash over the woods of Kentucky, land that plane with a couple hundred people on it? Saving lives. These people, sometimes, sometimes not, are making about a hundred grand a year. A hundred grand. A year. To save lives every day. Now, some will say, 'How is landing saving lives? It's them doing their jobs.' Sure, one way to look at it. If someone in a restaurant makes you a great burger, that is them doing their job. If they forget to put pickles on it, you are not in a tube that is about to explode on impact. You see what I'm saying? Pay these damn people more.
"A hundred and forty hours in two weeks... two thousand dollars. Do I fly a chain restaurant?"

2. Truck Drivers.
Wooooaaaaaaa, truck drivers. Truck drivers have had jokes made about them for years. People say they are stupid, useless, fat, ugly, that they kill hookers. Haven't heard those things? Well, you would if you came to my house! Boom! Kidding. We can agree though that they are not looked upon as high level humans. BUT, without truck drivers, we pretty much wouldn't have nothing! Where does produce in the stores come from? How does your iPad make it to your nearest Apple mirrored funhouse? A fat, hooker killing truck driver drove it in. Okay, no more jokes about them being awful. They are great. They bring us everything we need. And how much do they make for this? Not too much. Around fifty grand a year. Fifty grand a year, to bring us things we can't live without! AND, they have to drive hours and hours, not sleep enough, not enough good food on the road, AND they don't get paid well, AND we don't respect them. Absolutely insane. More money to these people.
"My truck is full of food I have to deliver, but I can't afford anything on this menu. That's it. The Texarcana 'Shop And Save is going to be missing some oranges."

3. Cops.
Yes, all rappers hate them. Rappers hate them, which makes kids and white people in their 20's who refuse to mature at all hate them as well.
"Yo, fuck the cops."
"Why? You're a white guy from a suburb. They hurt you in any way?"
"Yeah. One time I was drinking in the woods underage and they took my Colt 45. Fuck these damn cops."
Cops are very necessary. There are for sure some bad cops. But that shouldn't make us hate them all. When we hear about serial killers, or baby eaters, or rapists, who goes after these people? You? A person who likes snap back hats and rolled cuffs on their jeans? You gonna hunt down the baby eating rapists? You gonna throw on one of the capes that Cam'ron made and hit the streets? Doubt it. Cops do. Cops in NY start at about thirty grand a year. After years, they can make around ninety grand a year. Ninety grand a year. To get shot at, stop a guy from cutting his wife's head off, be the first into a house where a child was just ripped in half, AND have everyone hate them. Cops need more money, man.
"Jesus! Yesterday a meth head with a knife, today a boa constrictor? And I can't afford to take the kids to Florida. What the hell?!"

4. McDonald's Employees working night shift.
How in the HELL do people who work at McDonalds from seven am to four pm make as much money as these heros who work from ten pm to five am? HOW? One has a busy shift, and the other has a busy shift while basically being on fire. Saying day shift should make as much as night shift is like saying whoever made the website for the marines should be paid as much as a goddamn marine who goes to war. We ever hear of danger pay? That's what the night shift McDoanlds people should get. Ninety percent of their shift is dealing with people who are too drunk to be anywhere else.
"Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. You're too drunk for this place. "
"Whatever. I'm not too drunk for McDonald's. I'll go over there and fight someone for a McFlurry."
McDonald's fight videos are almost always at night. People getting dragged out of the drive thru, getting swung at our a cash register, having people drive through the front window. And THEY don't make more money? Come on! A guy coming in at eleven am might fight you, but a guy coming in at two am tweaking on vodka and female rejection? He might bite you. You should be paid more for that.
"You make HOW much? Ohhhh, man. You need to get paid more for the pain I'm about to cause you."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Diner? Let's do it.

I love diners. Love them. Just about every city, town, village, borough, municipality, alleyway has a diner. Even places so small that they only have two intersections. One of those intersections will have a diner. Probably a diner/gas station/ tire shop/ shower for truckers/ police station/ liquor store, but it will be there. Or it's four am and you're wandering in a city, you want some food, and over the hill, what do you see? A gorgeous, tiny, come as you are diner. Love these damn places for many reasons.

EVERYONE goes to diners. Every type of person. Hot people go to diners, ugly people, tall people, tiny baby people, amputees, full-utees, and everyone in between. You can see giant men in scooters whose flab is touching the floor crushing milk shakes. You can see a gorgeous woman with a huge ass in tight pants passing out drunk while eating a cheeseburger. People who look like they've strangled cats. People who look like they help people strangle cats. Cops. The complete opposite of cops. Diners are like grown up cafeterias in city high schools. Jocks, nerds, teachers, posers. They are all there.

Diners are usually opened twenty four hours. All damn day! How great is that? What other places are open twenty four hours? Some grocery stores, sure, which is great, but it's food that you then have to make. Not even all shady places are open all day. Strip clubs close. And where do those strippers end up? Diners. I guess drug houses are open twenty four hours a day, but you can't get a pulled pork sandwich in a building that also sells meth.
"Yo, man. I need an eight ball, and a Cuban."
"Cuban? Cigar? Cuban person, motherfucker?"
"Naw, the sandwich. Cuban sandwich."
"I cook meth here, not meat.... Wait. If I cooked meat, you'd buy, meat, AND meth? Let me think about it."

Diners also don't have any weird rules. ANY time of day, you go in to a diner you can get what you want. That doesn't happen anywhere else. McDonald's has strict breakfast times. Not diners. Want breakfast at 11pm? Done. You want to start your day with a turkey dinner and a bowl of raisin bran? No problem. Where else can your ridiculous craving for pancakes and whip cream with a side of gyro meat at four in the morning be filled? Not even at a place that only sells those things.
"Hey, can I get combo number one?"
"I'm sorry, sir, but we ar..."
"What do you mean? You are called 'Pancakes and whip cream gyro meat dreams'! Tag line, 'Are you a monster who wants these things together? Well come on in and we'll make you feel better'.
"Yes, I know. But we are closed. This is a very niche store. We gonna keep this open all day? You're the only person I've seen eat here and we go through this every night! See you tomorrow, Chris."
".... Alright. Goodnight, Steve."

Menus at diners are massive. You could beat somebody to death with a diner menu. Some of these things are about twenty pages. Twenty pages! Of food! In one place! How do they have space for this? Do they NEED twelve types of sandwiches? Nope. But they have them. Why? Because diners are magical. Five different muffins. Seven cakes. Eight burger options. Don't even try to count the number of ways you can get potatoes. Gyros, soups, kabobs, desserts. Diners are the Shang Tsung of restaurants. It's like they have sucked up everything off of everyone else's menu. About four hundred food options, and twelve seconds to decide what you want. Usually a waitress will hand you a menu, spin in a circle, and ask you if you're ready.
"Hey, here's an encyclopedia of every piece of food ever made. Also, don't forget, that you can also order whatever you want, even if it's not on the menu, and we'll figure it out for you... Do you know what you want?"
"I haven't opened the menu yet."
"Okay. I'll give you a minute.... (rock paper scissors with herself) .... You ready now?"

There are no topics of conversation off limit in these places. You can talk about ANYTHING in these places. Family, sex, breaking the law. People for sure plan bank jobs in diners. Criminals sitting in booths for hours talking about how they're going to get the key from the manager.
"Honestly, I say, just walk in, crack him in the fuc... Oh, yeah. I'll have a cherry coke and a burger. Hey, let me ask you a question. If you were gonna get the keys from your manager, you think cracking him in the head would get the job done?"
"Um. No. I'd just ask him."
"(GASP) Just ask him!"
People sit in diners and talk about work. People go into diners late and talk about banging people in club bathrooms. At any level, too. You can talk as loud as you want about the sex you're having.
"LAST NIGHT I BANGED THIS PERSON AND IT WAS A GREAT TIME!"
"Oh yeah? That sounds awesome."
"IT WAS! WE WERE MAKING AS MUCH NOISE AS I AM RIGHT NOW, IN THIS DINER! LAST NIGHT I YELLED 'DEAR GOD, I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS HARD, I MIGHT BREAK SOMETHING', AND NOW,  I'M GOING TO YELL, 'HEY, PUT EXTRA CHEESE ON THAT BURGER. I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS HARD!"

Diners also aren't picky about how long you're there. You can order a coffee, maybe a bagel, sit there for six hours, nobody will anything say to you. Chill the whole damn day. Any other place letting you do that? Don't think so. You can't go into Red Lobster, just get biscuits, and sit there for hours.
"What would I like....? Well, I'm going to maybe talk on my phone for awhile, maybe someone will come meet me. I'll probably have a bunch of cigarettes waiting for this bus I have to get on... That'll probably be six hours.... I'll just have a diet pepsi. And keep em coming."

Waiters and waitresses at diners don't care what you're doing. If you walked into a steakhouse with puke on your shirt, you might get some looks.
"Hello, I'll be serving you tonight. Can I start you with som... oh god."
"Wooooooo! Yeah. I'll start with.... (burp)... ah, god. I'll take a .... fuuuuuucckkkkk."
"Sir, there's a little bit of... you have some... on your shirt there."
"Oh, this? Yeah.... it's not mine. A girl fell into me an.... (burp)... I'll take a.... aaahhhhh, I can't stop spinning."
Waiters at diners? Won't even look twice. You could come in there with your head cut off, holding a dead hooker. They won't even blink an eye.
"Hey, sorry that I'm coming in this way, but before I head to the hospital I wanted to get some food."
"Sorry? Sorry for what? Wasting my time? Just order your food. Is that head eating? What does it want?"

And that's another thing that makes diners great. It's acceptable to be what you are. You're beyond trashed? You're a seven hundred pound cripple? You have half a head and six arms? Cool. How do you take your coffee? Diners won't kick you out for being drunk. Diners won't kick you out for being smacked out of your mind on smack. Diners won't even kick you out for beating a kid at your table for not eating his dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets (which diners have!). As long as diners are around, we will all have a place to go.

twitter @nathanmacintosh
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