5 Reasons Piers Morgan Should Be President

Awhile ago, a petition was started to have Piers Morgan deported from America. One hundred thousand people signed it. Of course online petitions don't mean anything, but it's very telling. I would like to go the other way. Not only should he not be deported, he should be the President. Here are some reasons.

"5 Reasons Piers Morgan should be President of the United States"

1. Piers Morgan is not American. Americans hate the American ones.

People complain about every President that has ever been. What's the one thing all the Presidents of the United States have in common? Other than being men. They're all American. That's it. It used to be that they were all white. Not anymore. The one thing is that every single President of the United States has been American. And they have ALL been hated. Maybe some more than others, but every President has large groups of people that hate them. I guess we won't find out if it's because they're American until Piers Morgan is made President.

"It says here that he's American? I hate him already."

2. Piers Morgan is against guns.

That seems like it would be a bad thing in America. A President who was against guns in a nation that is for guns and will kill a President with a gun if he tries to take their guns? Not a good stance to take. Sure, but it's the right one. More guns means more shootings. Why? Because guns only function is too shoot and kill things. If more of them were around, more of that would happen. If every single person had a pen would more writing get done? Exactly. We'd all like to live in an old Western where women can be grabbed, racist comments can be made and card games are stopped because a rough and tumble doggie pulls his gun, resulting in everyone pulling their guns. Doesn't that sound great? Well, grab your time machine. It's not going to happen.

"Why do you need the Hello Kitty gun? Because the Hello Kitty gun doesn't shoot bullets. It shoots fun and entertainment for the whole family! ... Just kidding. This bitch'll kill you.... with bullets."

3. Piers Morgan has a television show. 

George Bush didn't have a television show. Neither did Barack Obama. We had to get to know them. Not the same with Piers. He has had a television show for the last three years. You know what you're getting. You're getting a man with an accent who likes to talk to people. It took eight years to figure out what you were getting from Bush, and we finally did: A man who does a great impression of Will Ferrel doing a great impression of him. Took four years until we found out that Barack is apparently Hitler. With Piers, day one, you know what's up. He's not Hitler. He's not doing a Will Ferrel impression. He's asking questions, with an accent.

"Can YOUR President sell meant cologne? ... Would you like him more if he did? ... I'm shirtless."

4. People say America has problems. Piers Morgan is from outside the problem.

If your car had a problem, how would you try to fix it? By sitting in the car and trying to reach through the windshield to the engine? No. By getting out of the car and taking a look. America is that car. Piers is that stranger outside of it who can take a look. Every other President has come from within the car. They've come from within the car and lo and behold, they can't fix the problems with it. A mechanic doesn't attack the transmission from the glove box. He attacks it from the outside. You get it.

"I'm going to will the car to stop smoking with my mind.... I think it's working."

5. Piers Morgan has an accent.
Some of the best Presidents of all time have had accents. Bill Clinton has an accent. John F. Kennedy had an accent. George Washington probably spoke with at least a lisp or cool whistle or something. You want a good President? Find one with an accent. Who has an accent? British people. Who is a British person? Piers Morgan. The world loves accents. How cool is it when Jason Statham talks? Now picture him not as cool and not able to fight. Still sweet, right? Exactly. Piers Morgan.

"I'll be the first British President! No, it's British. Not Australian. First rule I'll make is anyone who can't tell the difference is banned."

On a derailed train.

Yesterday, I was on a train that derailed in Connecticut. I was on the train headed to a show. It derailed right before it reached the stop I was getting off at. Here is a short recount of it.

I didn't want to leave as it was. I had hurt my foot two days before, and had stayed off of it so that it could heal. It was still pretty bad, but I had a show for a bit of money and can't really turn down money at this point. It's not a huge amount, but still. I just couldn't. So I grabbed a cane and dragged myself to this train. I'm walking as if I have already been in an accident.

"Hey, were you involved in a train wreck?"

"Not yet. I think that's coming."

People can be very nice, though. When I got onto the subway, people offered me their seats since as they could see that I was having a hard time.

I was very happy to get on the train to Connecticut. I just wanted to sit down after all of the traveling to get there. It's probably only about a half hour to get to the MTA North station, but with a cane? There are a million stairs in the city when you have to deal with them. When everything's working, they're just stairs. When you're dragging something? Stairs seem to not end. So I get on the train. I picked the second car closest to me as the first was full, and the second one was the closest. With a busted foot, that was my choice. That car ended up being the second last of the train with the direction we were going.

So, train leaves, and I was on it for almost two hours. I had never been to this part of Connecticut before, so I was watching the stops to make sure I didn't miss mine. Mine was next, and with my busted foot, I thought that maybe I should get up and wait by the door to save time. I decided not to, and I am very happy and lucky that I didn't. Five seconds after I had that thought, the train jumped and made a loud bang. We were going very fast, so at first it just seemed as if we had maybe hit something. Then it was clear that we had gone off the rails. The train was bouncing around; sparks and wood were flying past the windows. It felt as if the car I was in was going to tip. It stopped on a steep lean, but didn't tip.

As soon as we stopped, a woman was freaking out. Rightly so. This experience was pretty scary. There was a man across from me who kept saying in a calming voice, "We're all okay. Everybody's okay. We're all okay." The woman calmed down with this and people started to look for a way out. One side of the car was open, but people decided not to jump that because we could see live wires. The other side was opened, and people in the car started helping people down. When I got to the door, a man said he'd take my cane and help me down. I said, "Yeah. I apologize. I hurt my foot the other day." I had to sit down on the side of the train to get out, and there were people helping people down. These guys basically carried me to the ground and made sure I could stand.

Since nobody in my car was really hurt, I thought that maybe it wasn't that bad. Walking along the train, there were people who were bloody, had broken limbs, had clearly injured their necks. People we're crying all around, and everyone was in shock. We were all told to move to one side unless we were injured. Conductors and EMT's were walking up to everyone asking them if they were okay and if they needed any assistance.

One reason I'm writing about this is to say that it is amazing to be involved in something like this and see how fast people who don't know each other come together to help each other. Five minutes before this happened, everyone on the train is a stranger, then this happens, and everyone works together to find a solution to what has happened. It's nice to see how instinctual it seems to be in people. People say all the time that they don't like people, that people are jerks. No. People are just involved in what they are doing as we all are. But when something happens that wakes people up from that, you see that most people are great and mean well.

Again, the only reason I was on this train was to go to a show. So this happens, and I really didn't feel like doing it anymore. Being beside people who are seriously inured doesn't really make you want to tell jokes. Not me, anyway. Plus, I was shook from the crash. It didn't really hit me until about twenty minutes later, but it was jarring. This was at about 7:00 by now, and the show was at 8:30. Had to do it. I was still shocked by the whole thing, so I joked with the crowd, "I was in that train accident that happened a few hours ago, so if this doesn't go well it'll be the second train wreck I've been involved in tonight" or something like that. People laughed, and it made me a bit more comfortable just in the sense that I now had told them where I was at mentally. It's all that I was thinking about. The show ended up being fun. Afterwards, though, I was still in a weird place because of this crash.

On my way home to feel better about the whole thing, I was making fun of myself for it. It made me laugh that I was involved in a train derailment, and I can't even say that that's how I hurt my foot.

"Wow. You were on that train? That's how you sprained your foot?"

"No. I hurt it two days before doing the Ali Shuffle in a boxing class."

"...Oh. I was about to give you some sympathy sex, but a boxing class? Step your coordination up."

May seem weird to try to find the funny in it, but as a comedian that's just what my mind does. In all honesty, I'm lucky that I wasn't injured, and am very happy for that.

I hope everyone that was injured wasn't too badly hurt and that everyone will be okay. Below are some pictures I took and a link to a story about it.

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/05/18/18340811-absolutely-staggering-dozens-injured-in-connecticut-train-crash?lite

What is Anderson Cooper trying to do?

When I first saw Anderson Cooper, he didn't have a smirk on his face. He was talking about the Iraq War. He was talking about a huge world event on CNN, which is supposed to be a trusted news network, telling me it in a trustworthy newscaster way.

"Hello, this is a very serious topic I'm discussing in a very serious and professional way. There is no way you could watch this and think that I could giggle at will."

The last time I saw Anderson Cooper? He was having his business stared at by Kathy Griffin on New Year's Eve.

"Hello, you are staring at my package. There is no way that I cannot giggle at this. I am about to commence now. Here goes. Giggling."

I can say that I truly do not understand Anderson Cooper. What is this man about? Is he someone who can just fit into any role that he's put into? Is he someone who wants to express every side of himself on TV? Is he a man who, due to his family ties to very wealthy people, wants to show the world that he doesn't need that security and is quite capable of doing anything he wants on his own? I do not know. And I do not have anything against him, I just don't understand him.

Anderson Cooper's CNN show, AC360, is a very serious news program. It's not a show you would watch if you were looking for laughs.

"Honey, I feel like watching something upbeat. Do you want to toss on Anderson 360? I hear tonight he's talking about women's rights in India. Always a laugh riot, this guy."

For ten years now we have seen him in this role. For ten years we thought we knew about Anderson Cooper. He was a man who cared about the world. A man who went to the Middle East, Africa, and Haiti, where he was shown on camera carrying a bloody child out of rubble. We had a pretty good idea about him.

"You know, I trust this guy. He went to Iraq and personally reported the news. He didn't sit in an office. He went to the action! There's no WAY that he would have a daytime show where he gives away Pringles. No way!"

But then that man's worst fears came true. Anderson Cooper started to host his own daytime talk show, Anderson Live, and sometimes, gave the audience Pringles.  His show at night was about real world events, and on his daytime talk show he was asking ditzy celebrities what THEY think about world problems!

"Thanks for coming, Snooki. What do you think about the gun control situation?"

"Glad you asked. Do you like my hair?"

"...Yes. It's very nice. Back to guns. What do you think should be done?"

"I have a blower dryer that I call my 'dry hair' gun, so I guess, sometimes I'm for them. But the bad kind? The bang bang kind? No."

I have nothing against Snooki, but you don't ask her about world issues when you yourself know about world issues! Ask her about dogs. Ask her about tanning. Ask her about becoming a mom, or breaking nails, or things to do with your hair or shoes! But DON'T ask her about the fiscal cliff!

This starts to explain why I do not understand this man. Does he want us to think he's smart? Does he want to be a cast member on a reality show? At night he's giving facts about the poverty in the world, in the morning he's co-hosting with a cast member of Jersey Shore, and telling us about a tanning salon they went to together.

"We went tanning. We're friends. My tan didn't take, but still, we had a good time. At one point, I squirted tanning oil into Snooki's hair and she was all, 'No! Why would you do that Ande..."

"Anderson! You're on your nighttime show! You are patched in live with a Saudi prince and you are supposed to be discussing oil!"

"You… went tanning? Is Snooki a talking beverage? I am a very busy Saudi prince. I have no time for this!"

"Sir, please! Would you like some Pringles?"

He was, at one point, a host on a reality show. He used to host 'The Mole'. USED to. Then he started telling us about the news, and actually going to do something about it. You can't go back after that. You stepped up. You can't go back! Cal Ripken can't get his old job back at a gas station.

"Holy hell! Cal Ripken! What are you doing here?"

"Hello. One, I'm here to buy gas. Two, are you hiring?"

"Hiring? Are you nuts? You're a millionaire!"

"Don't worry about me, all right, kid? I want my job back. I'm sure you've heard, I have a great record for showing up. I won't miss a day."

What is the next career move for this man? A very serious news program. Followed by a Rosie O'Donnell rip off from the 90s. Next? Maybe he'll try to get on a 2 Chainz song.

"She got a big booty, so I call her big booty. 2 Chainz!"

"AC in the building! I go in 360 degrees, that's called a circle. On my daytime talk show, I act like Urkel. I've given aid to Africa, the Middle East. And I've been on TV talking about cheese!"

"2… Wait! You can't actually rhyme on this song. That ain't 2 Chainz. That's 2lames. This is swag rap. The idea here is to just look cool. You got it?"

"Yo, 2 Chainz. I don't want to disturb you, but that last sentence right there? Sounded tight as hell on the beat! You got anymore of that fire?"

Anderson Cooper came out last year and announced that he was gay. That is fantastic, but it seems since that time that he has done some of the things that makes me not understand him. That is around the time that he started to interview dumb people about stupid things. Was straight Anderson Cooper the smart one? Did he care more about using his brain? Then when he came out as gay he decided that he needed to be a little less serious?

"Guys, look. I just came out, okay? I can't be doing this 'save the world' type of journalism all the time! I need to lighten up a little! Any ideas?"

"You could wear more colorful ties?"

"I don't haaate it. Anything else?"

"Uh, you could get people who really wanted to be in Ellen's audience but couldn't to sit in front of you while you hand out Christmas trinkets?"

"Whoa! That's amazing! How can we get Ellen's audience leftovers, though? She's in LA."

"Are you kidding? We're near Times Square. Go there and say, 'Who wants a free t-shirt?!' All the women who scream, there's your audience."

Anderson then went to the daytime show and it was cancelled shortly thereafter. How come? Could it possibly be because people who remember him from his late show, and were fans, didn't necessarily want to see him on a show where he is supposed to be the male version of Ellen? Nobody watches Ellen and thinks the opposite for her.

"You know, I really like her here. She's perfect! She's funny, charming, she dances. Makes everyone happy. I would love to see her in Kosovo interviewing a child who was just hit by a missile. Call me crazy, but I would love to see it."

And of course they don't want to see that! We get pretty used to seeing people do what it is they do. Does anyone want to see Charlie Rose doing cartwheels on daytime TV? Or James Lipton doing wacky breakfast television games? We looking for Wolf Blitzer to start judging America's Got Talent? This is neither good nor bad, but I do not understand Anderson Cooper.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh