Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Don Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

Alec Baldwin quits public life!

And it's our fault. We pushed him away. We have pushed away a ridiculously talented and funny man. Why? Because we NEED to see what he is up to at all hours. We need to see every move he makes. And we're never just happy with them 'walking' or 'eating', we like the explosions. This man has exploded, people watched, so now people keep trying to get him to explode. And he's out. Hope you like Stephen or Daniel Baldwin because that's what we've got now. Not to make fun of those guys, just saying.

Some celebrities would like to have somewhat of a normal life. We act as if celebrities are pieces of garbage for that.
"They're famous! They asked for people to take pictures of their children! They have decided to be picked on by people they'll never meet!"
I remember people in school who got picked on all the time would CHANGE SCHOOLS. That's the regular person equivalent of checking out of the spotlight. Everyone in this particular place hates you, goads you into things, talks about you constantly. So you go to another place where that may not happen. Where people don't think you're a 'stupid head' or whatever they have chosen to call you.

People think Alec is an animal for attacking cameramen. I think that MORE CELEBRITIES SHOULD PUNCH CAMERAMEN. Why are these cameramen thought of as sacred cows? Why do we get so upset when they are punched?
"He hit a cameraman! How could he do that!? That's a damn CAMERAMAN! That's like hitting a kid! Or a tree! Or the kid of a tree!"
We don't like people looking at us on the train. If someone followed you around all the time, RIGHT IN YOUR FACE, pushing past you, trying to catch you doing something, wouldn't you at some point take a swing at this person? No? THEY'RE in the right? Remember in school when people would do this? When someone would pick on someone until they fought back, and then the person doing the picking on would go to the teacher, 'So-and-so hit me!' Remember there was a time when the teacher would ask, 'Well, what did YOU do? Who started it?' Now there's none of that. Who cares who started it, right? He hit a goddamn cameraman! One of the most beautiful professions we have on this planet! The most sacred of human beings! A CAMERAMAN! It's like hitting Mother Teresa, but with a camera!

One reason it's ridiculous is that NO ONE CARES AT ALL if a celebrity is hit. If a cameraman grabbed Dame Judy Dench and shook the hell out of her, the video footage of it would go viral. There would be a slow-mo version, a dance version, an auto version. Tons of comments underneath.
"Hahah. That old bag got SHOOK!"
"That bitch's head looked like it was about to fall off!"
"President Obama is black and therefore I don't like him."
Some things stay constant.

If being a celebrity means that people will follow you around, get in your face and not leave you alone, people have to understand that being a person who follows, annoys and goads celebrities ALSO COMES WITH SOME STIPULATIONS. You could get KNOCKED OUT! You could get swore at or told off. Why? Why are you above that? WHY! Because you get PAID to take pictures? EVERYONE IS TAKING PICTURES! You are not a hero. These celebrities aren't punching kids. Or screaming at the elderly in the street. They are yelling at people who DESERVE TO BE YELLED AT.

People get REALLY hung up on the fact that Alec Baldwin may or may not have called someone a 'cocksucking fag.' Are we serious? Let's throw everyone away who has ever said that. Do you know who you're tossing away into the pit of shame? JUST ABOUT EVERYONE! Your grandmother, that guy over there, ANY MAN UNDER THE AGE OF 30 WHO WENT TO SCHOOL IN THE 90'S, ANY MAN UNDER THE AGE OF 40 WHO WENT TO SCHOOL IN THE 80'S. Cops, politicians. MY MOM! She may not have said 'cocksucking fag', but 'cocksucker?' Oh yeah. We were poor. That got said. SO MANY PEOPLE have said these things! Should ALL these people go to hell? Even people who would be offended by it have used it in an offensive way! Is it offensive? Sure. Was it ALWAYS taken so literally? Nope. Most of these things are just bad words, that people say in anger. The only thing behind it is, 'I'm angry, so swearing is going to take place.' Is fellatio-giving homosexual better? Hard to find that in a fit of rage.

And we're hanging onto the fact he called someone a 'toxic little queen'? Jesus, man. There is probably a script RIGHT NOW on a Disney executive's desk that describes an evil person in it the same way.
"I WANT to like this story. I do, but you described the villain as a 'toxic little queen?"
"Yes. She's a queen, who has a toxic attitude and demeanour. Surrounds herself with negativity."
"So you hate gay people."
"What?"
"Queen means gay. Always. Even if you're talking about Queen Elizabeth. You've just said 'Gay Elizabeth', which is offensive. Take this script down to Happy Madison where I'm SURE they'll find a home for it."

We REALLY want celebrities to mess up. REALLY BAD. It's so great when they do! People were just about to take a picture of their bagel and post it online, and then a celebrity called a dolphin a fish. Thank Jesus! Now you have something to talk about! Everyone knows you can't call a dolphin a fish. It ain't a goddamn fish! 
"Alright, I'll post this picture o... Woa! Kanye said what?! You'll have to wait until tomorrow, picture of pancakes with syrup on them, right now I've got to tear someone apart!"

We love to say that people have shown their true colours. There's no 'true colours' for good things. People only say it when it comes to negative stuff. 
"Tom has punched kids, spit at women, but he just donated a bunch of money to charity and hugged every amputee on the planet. Finally showed his true colours."
If today, Muhammad Ali kicked an animal, people would say he's showing his true colours. Forget all the things he's done. All the good in this world. He kicked a dog. That's it. When he died, that's all people would tweet.
"Yeah, he was the greatest. GREATEST DOG KICKER! #Fuckem."
"Float like a butterfly, kick a dog like a bee! #Alwaysknewhewasdirt"
"Parkinson’s is karma for kicking that dog! #karma #dogsaregreat #burninhell."
It's ridiculous. Because you do a bad thing or say a bad thing, that doesn't inherently make you a bad person. We have all done, and said bad things that we regret.

We don't want celebrities to complain. Once they say anything, it's 'Yeah, but go to hell. You're a MILLIONAIRE. You can't complain ever. Never! Everything that happens to you is evened out by the fact that you can buy a Maserati, drive it down the street and have us take pictures of it and throw things at it. Oh, someone threw a milkshake at it? Get it cleaned, millionaire."
Celebrities are people and people can complain. Should we all the time? No. Are a lot of our complaints unwarranted and babyish? Sure. But we are allowed them. Alec Baldwin's article is posted below. 

twitter @nathanmacintosh

http://www.vulture.com/2014/02/alec-baldwin-good-bye-public-life.html


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