Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

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New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

New Years Eve. The most overhyped day of the year.

New Years Eve. It keeps happening, every single year. And every year, it's the most overhyped day. Expectations of this night run way too high. St. Patricks Day gets a lot of hype. Halloween, Christmas are pumped up. But those Holidays have other things attached to them other than getting drunk and yelling at midnight. New Years Eve doesn't have presents, it doesn't have dinners or costumes or one man who flies through the entire world breaking into houses to leave things for children. It's just drinking and yelling. And still, NYE never lives up to it's own hype.

By some girls, NYE gets treated like prom. Every single year. Every year they have to make sure everything's perfect. Have something specific to wear, have a place picked out to go to, have a table reserved at said place, have a timetable of when you're allowed to drink before hand and at what time you have to go to get to 'the spot'.
"So, I'm going to wear this, we're going to drink here, my hair has to be perfect, we have to leave here by this time or we won't make it and then 2014 is gonna suck!"
And if everything doesn't go according to plan? Woa. Look out. You are going to see a lot of people crying, a lot of mascara running, a lot of screaming about what should have been and where friends are.
"Well the hell is Stacy?! I haven't seen her in an hour and I have her phone. Is she dead? What happened to her?"
"I don't know. Last I saw her she was inside and she said she just found a whole bunch of random pills in her drink."
"Like 'random' random or random?"

These are the same girls who are crying at the end of the night. Tons of women crying because it's too cold, they're too drunk, or the night didn't go exactly as they planned.
"At exactly midnight this bottle of wine was supposed to be open and THAT bottle of wine was supposed to be closed! Ahhhhhhhh, nothing goes right!"
"Why are you crying?"
"Because EVERYTHING fell apart, that's why! It WAS gonna be great, but I couldn't find the cork screw, and SOME people don't know how to finish a bottle of wine. HERE, THIS is how you drink it, you idiots!"

Getting a cab on New Years is insane. You might as well bring the raw materials to make your own and go from there.
"Alright, let's bail. Call a cab?"
"Yeah, sure. If we want to wait until next New Years. Nope. I'm going to piece a car together. I have a transmission. Does anyone have ANY of the other parts of a car?"
"... I have an air freshener?"
"First we BUILD the car, THEN we worry about how it smells, alright, Gary?!"
Some people can't believe that cabs would be busy on NYE. I was looking up a number for a cab the other day and came across this companies yelp page. Someone gave them one star, so I wanted to see why. This was some of what they said.
"This company is THE WORST. New Years Eve, we're drinking at my house. At 11, we call a cab to go to a bar for 12. The cab driver says it'll be a half hour. He shows up fifty minutes later. So now we're in a cab at 11:50, and it's almost midnight!"
I'll stop there. Who the hell is this maniac to think that you can call a cab an hour before the countdown and MAKE it to where you wanted to go? AN HOUR. On easily one of the busiest cab nights of the year. Cabs aren't going to go right on this day. 

When I was 18 I think,  me and some friends were drinking at a hotel, and heard about a party that was happening. We jumped in a cab and started heading over there. We got stuck in traffic, until the countdown happened. So we did the countdown, in the cab, with the cab driver. Missed the most important part of the night because of traffic. Do you miss Christmas if you get stuck in traffic? That would have to be some LONG traffic jam for that.
"Look, have dinner without me. I've already been stuck here for twelve hours, and a man in front of me just lit his car on fire. I'll see you on the 26th."

You have to be ready to countdown at midnight. If you miss the countdown, what was the whole thing for? Halloween, Christmas, no other holiday has that sort of pressure on it. There's no specific time you have to open presents or they get thrown out. And you're supposed to kiss someone at midnight. The NYE countdown is like the last slow song at a school dance. You better be holding someone, kissing something when it happens, or you're just watching people have a good time.

One of the worst things about NYE for me, is always having lived in places where it's cold on that night. Celebrating in the freezing cold is not fun. I bet living in a hot place that night is instantly better.
"You want to wear a t-shirt and walk to the bar?"
"Like every night? You're damn right!"
You have something on you want people to see, but you have to wear winter clothes over top of everything. Most people don't want to do that though. People waiting in line wearing just the stuff they want to be seen in. No winter jackets, no scarves, no hats. Just cocktail dresses, dress shirts, and maybe some blazers. You can't be seen being warm. People will think you're a loser! 
"Dress pants, dress shoes with no socks, and a dress shirt open to my chest. Ready to go out."
"It's freezing outside. You want to put a jacket on?"
"Naw, man. I look amazing. And that line up won't be long."

ALL the line ups are long. Not just the ones to get in, the ones to get alcohol once you're there are long too. You bring a book? Well, then what are you going to do when you wait? Talk to the people around you? Probably not. Music is blaring in your face. To yourself? You could do that.
"Man, I love standing here waiting to pay twelve dollars for a rum and coke. It's amazing that I have to wait for that expensive of a beverage. Maybe the extra seven dollars is for all the watering down they'll do to it. Thanks, NYE."

Line up for coat check is long as hell. Also, coat check is a complete scam. One, because too many people are wearing plain black pea coats. It's way too easy for those to get lost and for you to end up with someone else's coat. 
"Is this mine?"
"It's a black peacoat. Who cares."
"But mine had different buttons right here."
"And now it has different buttons there. Big deal."
Two, because why can't you just keep your coat? You bought it. Some places force you to check your coat. They make you do it. Not only are you not allowed to keep your coat, you have to pay for them to take it off your hands. That's ridiculous. You should have the option. Being forced to do it is not right.
"Sir, give me your coat."
"I'm good. I'll just keep it."
"Ah, no . You cannot keep it. Give me it, and give me money for me forcing you to give it to me as well."
"I don't want to do any of these things!"
"You're a cheap piece of garbage. You don't like having someone else handle the coat you bought and pay them to do it? You probably put water in your ketchup."

Probably the best time you're going to have on New Years is one where you stay home with people you like. Just watch the ball drop from home. Do you know how terrible it would be to actual BE there? Once you are in Times Square, you are not leaving. People go to the bathroom in bottles! You're stuck there for hours! And for what? There's a bunch of people jammed one top of you who are holding bottles of their own piss. Sweet. And you get to see some of your favourite artists sing one song, and also artists you hate do the same thing. Does that sound fun?
"Man, where can I go to stand in the cold for hours around tons of people I don't know who are urinating in Fanta bottles and wearing diapers? And even if I find THAT place, how do I find that place that also has Anderson Cooper conducting this whole night of piss bottle fun? ... No. You're serious?! New Years Eve in Times Square has ALL of that? Well, Jesus. I'm shocked. My dreams have come true. Happy New Year!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh
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