Nathan Macintosh

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6 everyday costumes that everyday people should stop wearing.

Halloween is in less than a week! Candy, horror movies, costumes. What a great time of year. Some costumes though should be put out to stud. And some costumes are worn by people every singe day, regardless of what holiday it is. This is a list of some of those costumes that need to go.

6 everyday costumes/costume pieces that should be sent into the wild.

1. The "Beard and plaid shirt" costume.
This costume could be called the '90% of white men have just given up'. Gave up years ago, and don't seem to be coming back at all. At some point, 90% of white men decided that trying to be an individual was too hard. We're all white men here, right? Basically brothers. Why don't we dress as if we're all twins and our parents think it's cute to have us together in the same clothes? Men wearing a beard, and a plaid shirt. Have you ever looked around? You're everywhere. When five white men dressed like this hang out it looks like they're part of a strange cult. A cult that for sure knows a whole lot about The Beatles and allergies.
"If I chop this log in half, the curse will be broken! Be gone, plaid shirt and beard curse! BE GONE!"

2. The "Snap back hats" costume.
This could be called the "Man, I wish I was young again" costume. Snap backs were around in the 90's, and kids wore them. Now, snap backs have come back, and the kids in the 90's who wore them have grown up, become adults, and started to wear them again. These are for children and truckers. If you're an adult, whose not a trucker, get a strap back. Strap backs are the adult snap back. If you can walk into the bank and get a loan, get a strap back. Someone shouldn't be able to come up behind you when you're signing for a condo and unsnap your hat off your head.
"Hey, Dad! Thanks for buying me this snap back! Oh, it's yours? But it goes so well with my velcro shoes."

3. The "Nike Foamposites" costume.
This costume could be called "I'll wear ANYTHING a rapper wears." These were jokes, right? Just a gag? Put in the stores by Nike to see how angry people would get at such a disgusting shoe? When they started flying off the shelves, people at Nike must have been shocked.
"People are... BUYING them? For what? To throw through our windows?... They actually like them? Wow. We charged $250. CLEARLY that was a joke! I'm completely shocked."
There are a few different kinds, but the ones that are the worst and so many people have, are the ones with the bulky, different colour way sides. These are easily the most disgusting looking shoes that have come out in the last ten years. They make your foot look like the elephant mans. He had a degenerative disease. You don't. Your only probably is that you think these are cool.


"I am the Nike Foamposite. Hear me suck."

4. The "Toms shoes without socks" costume.
This could be called the 'I care about the world but not about how bad my feet smell'. First of all, these,  Toms look like mummy's feet. They look like shoes you would be given if you were sentenced to working a field in North Korea. Yes, they are shoes that when you buy a pair a pair is given to a child in a poor country. Sure. I bet though when that child does get those shoes, they think, "Man, I wish these were Nikes. Or Adidas. I mean, I already own a pair of these. I work in a field in North Korea!"
And no socks? You know what that does to your foot. It makes it smell like you've been working non stop in a field in North Korea. So because you want to save the world, the rest of us at this party have to suffer? Also, why most times do people who want to save the world try to smell as much like it as possible? Different topic. But either way, the Toms shoes without socks costume? Time for a different one.
"I don't know who this white man is, but he must know that orange and red don't go together."

5. The "unpainted toe nails" costume. (women).
This costume here could be called 'mans foot'. If you don't paint your toe nails, you are wearing a man's foot that day. Which is fine. You are allowed to make that choice. But most men don't wear heels and a skirt to a bar. You did? Well, from the knee down, you look like a cross dresser. And most of them paint their toe nails. This costume, unless you live in the woods or a tiny town where you will marry the first person you ever kissed, or you take every piece of plastic you find and build furniture with it, needs to go.
"Hey, Sarah! You look nic... Jesus! No nail polish, huh? We're going to a dinner party, not riding in the back of an F-150. Put a shoe on at least."

6. The "Sweaters with just whatever the fuck on them" costume.
This costume could be called 'I'm really funny and you don't need to talk to me to find that out because I'm wearing a hilarious sweater with whatever the fuck on it". Yes. You're hilarious. You have a sweater with a dog sitting on a porch on it. Amazing. Don't know where you found such a hilarious item, thirty two year old man, but boy are we happy you did. Oh, yours too! The sweater with a fish inside of an icecube? Man, that fish is gonna freeze! Quick! Someone thaw him out! Sometimes these are worn ironically, other times they are worn by people who if they just learned to talk to people, wouldn't need this costume to feel comfortable. The sweater is easier to put on, though.

"Funny sweater, man! You going to a theme party or something?... Job interview. Huh. Yeah, hilarious."


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