Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

Fake People. I can't deal.

I try to be a real human. I like other humans. When I talk to people, I talk to people. I don't have 'stock lines' to say. Fake people do. They sound as if they were programmed by a group of cylons.

"I really liked your play. Can I be in it?"
"...why are you talking like the recording from the library that calls when you have an overdue book?"
".....I really liked your play. Let's hang out and I'll give you more compliments until you place me in it?"

I don't trust fake people for the same reason I don't trust cyborgs. Cyborgs are not human. Every cyborg in a movie has to be reprogrammed before humans can trust it. It also always has to have HUMAN FEELING injected into its metal being. Always. Should be able to with fake people as well.

"Operating on another one, huh?"
"Yep. This one stepped over a dead body for two lines in a Colgate commercial. Just sad. Not even a national!"

Fake people seem to have no actual emotions. They have emotions the way a fax machine would if it could talk. Actually, maybe less so, because a fax machine will flash the word "sorry" on its screen and mean it. Fake people make every thing that happens to them sound like the best thing in the world.

"Everything is so great! Oh, this? Yeah, it's a cast. I was hit by a car yesterday while I was tweeting a quote from my favorite band. No, no, it's great! I've always wanted to learn to use my left hand! Plus, now I won't be able to eat ice cream as fast. Lose some pounds, ya know? I can get down from 109 to a svelte 102 by Thursday. It's so great!"

Can you just say, "Yeah, broke my arm. No good." It's not that they're optimistic about it either. It's that they really don't know how to not try to impress people. Have a human emotion! Just ONE! ONE! Pick one. Whichever one you want, but you gotta have one. You want to only have anger? Fine. At least you'll be a bit more human.

"Hey, how are you?"
"I'M GREAT! YOU TOO? GREAT! THIS IS GREAT!!"
"You're pissed."
"ONLY EMOTION THAT WAS LEFT! I'M NOT ACTUALLY MAD!"

Fake people can't distinguish between humans. I wouldn't be surprised if they just have sonar the way a bat does to feel the faceless blob that stands in front of them. They have the same greeting for everyone.

"Oh, mom, how are you? Great, great! I love you! Oh, person I just met, how are you? Great, great. I love you! Oh, significant other, how are you? Great, great. I love you!...wait, were those all the same person? Who cares, they're great!"

They also don't listen to you when they ask "how you are?". Not really listen. They hear it, but it doesn't compute. They go into a sort of sleep mode the way a Mac does. When they ask you how you are, there should be a screen saver that runs across their face.

"How are you?"
"Things are alright. I gotta get a new job man."
"That's great! I just got a tiny dog!"
"...wait, was there just a spectrum in your eyes?"
"Real tiny! Well, talk to you soon!"

The world of television seems to only want news about celebrities to be brought to you buy people who are as fake as Cheez Whiz. Why must people talk like that? WHY?! How can you walk through life speaking as if you have a motherboard in your chest? I've heard people say "They are professional". Professional is showing up to work on time and not drunk. Talking as if you came out of an action figure case at a Toys-R-Us is disgusting and should be punishable by law. Alabama law. 1930's Alabama law.

"What are we hanging this guy for?"
"He used the word schmooze 10 times last week."
"Ugh. Let's get a higher branch."

Fake people love the word 'great'. When a non fake person uses the word great, you are taking one of theirs away. The last sentence alone took two greats away from a fake person.

"I found a pair of really expensive shoes on sale for 600 dollars!"
"Oh! Only 600? That's so ... that's so .... ah god, I'm out of the word that I use for every situation. Yep, tanks empty. I'll have to kill a celebrity blogger to get more of it."
"Want to borrow a 'great'?"
"Alright, but I can't pay you back until I commit murder."
"Oh, don't worry about it. That's just great."
"Stop it! We have to conserve! "

I honestly don't know if they feel at all. One of them could be hit by a bus, and their last words would be "Oh, that bus that ran over me? I know my body was ripped in half, but things are .....things are just.......ugh....greeeaaaattt." I just took another one away.
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