Nathan Macintosh

Welcome to the website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! 

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger' 

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

 

For bookings contact:

Authentic Talent Management:

New York Office
Tel: (718) 422-0200

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Buchwald And Associates: 

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

 

Video games. Are we serious?

When I was a kid, all I did was play video games. That was it. I missed a lot of grade 6 playing Turok Dinosaur Hunter. I mean a lot. I don't know much about fractions, but I can tell you the big cheat from Turok. NTHGTHDGDCRTDTRK. I did not look that up, and I can even tell you what it means. Fractions? Did they ever involve shooting dinosaurs? Then I can't help you. Now I don't play games too much, and I think I've figured out why.

What I remember about games is how hard they were. They were so challenging. Have you ever played Battletoads for Nintendo? That game was beyond hard. I was 6 when I played that. 6! Do you think the developers of that game cared how old you were? "Hey, maybe we should take it easy on these kids." "Is life gonna take it easy on them? Hell no! Is rent gonna be able to be paid by setting life to 'easy'? Screw these kids!". That game was impossible! It was a life lesson to a 6 year old. Things in life don't come easy. And if you ever become a big Toad, you'll look pretty sweet with sunglasses.

Now? Games are the easiest things in the world. Every game starts with a tutorial. Tutorial! Of how to play the game! Hey,developers, eat it. I've been playing games for years! Don't tell me how to play the game. Don't go over all the buttons with me and what they do. I know what button not to press if I want to attack, select. That button has never done anything. I used to turn on games and figure out the controls myself. You know why? There are only so many buttons on the controller, that's why. "Hey, this guy is shooting me. Does this button shoot back? Nope, now I'm dead. But when I come back, I will know not to push that button to shoot again." Trial and Error. Great philosophy, and alright movie.

The god damn games even tell you when and how to do certain things! Jesus Christ. A guy will attack you, the game will go into slo motion, and say "Push R1 to attack". You push R1, and it's a CUT SCENE of you killing the enemy. What! You didn't even beat him! That never happened before. Megaman didn't help you beat it.  Skipping school and drinking Pepsi Blue did.

And when something is "hidden" now, they make it so easy to find. "Find the switch that will lower the bridge". The screen will get darker, the switch will light up, and say "Hey, I'm a switch. Over here! I'm what you need! Hit me!" Old games it would take YEARS to find switches. In some games I don't even think they added the switch. Not at all. Didn't care at all. "Look man, if we don't add the switch, we don't have to figure out an ending for this game. It stops here".

And stop with the tutorials! To start a game, throw people in the shit, and let them figure it out. If you can't, then don't play games. People now would be shocked to play games from the past. Were people really crying that games were too hard? Why not just get the developers to give you a pre beat game? Better yet, why not have a real man come over and beat it for you? Why even buy the game?  I bet games soon will be pre beat. You turn it on, and it says "Congratulations! You win!" Then credits. And people will go, "Man, that was tough. I really didn't think I was gonna get through that one cut scene."

The Nintendo and super Nintendo did not care about your feelings. Not at all. You ever play Contra? Megaman One? Super Ghouls and Ghosts? Maximum Carnage?  I swear these games were made by Jeffery Dahmer. "Listen Dahmer, do you think could put your horrible, none caring, none feeling mind into a 16 bit format?"  Now every game gives you a pat on the back before anything happens. "Hey, thanks for picking up this game beautiful person. Now, we'll walk you through the first 2 levels, then you take over for 10 minutes until another cut scene that will last half an hour. You're special!"

And remember when you had to find heath packs? You take a few missiles in the face, and then you better dodge those bats. Did you get a password yet? Have you saved? Then you better get to that health pack or you're gonna be screaming into your toaster strudel. Now, get shot a bit, then go stand alone in a corner, and your health comes back! COMES BACK! You can't die!

And it wouldn't even matter if you did anyway, because every step you take, you can see the at the bottom of the screen 'saving'. Not before. You couldn't get to a save point, you just lost all your weapons, and gold. Now games go "Oh no! You just did something! Don't worry, I'll save for you."

The new Mega Man 9 that was put out was hard. I was so happy. "A game that will make me want to break a controller? I'm back!" It got beaten, but a lot of swearing was done. Then Mega Man 10 came out, and was it as hard? Of course not! And I'm sure it was because someone cried "But Mega Man 9 was really tough guys. Do you think you could tone it down for 10? I mean, what's the point of playing if it may get the best of me? This is why to avoid rejection, I go for prostitutes right away, and why I only play basketball with 8 year olds. I refuse to lose!"

I played a boxing game on Super Nintendo, going through career mode, and I lost a fight. The game said "Lose one more fight and it's game over". I figured, "they must mean in a row". I won my next 6 fights on the way to the top, so I figured I was in the clear. Then Sugar Ray Leonard wanted a rematch. I said "Sugar Ray, didn't you get enough ass whooping the first time?" When I play Super Nintendo, I also revert back to the childish goading I did when I was 11.  But this was a refined Sugar Ray, and he eroded my defense with his sweet science. And what happened? Game Over! Are we serious? You lose two fights and your CAREER is over? Wow. If that was real life, the only boxer who would still be around is Floyd Mayweather. That's it! And he would just be fighting himself. Even Muhammad Ali would be going "Man, I wish they'd ease up on those rules a bit. That's some cold ass shit."

No wonder people now are becoming dumber. You actually had to think to get through games in the past. Studies were done saying that if you played them while sick, they actually helped you. Now, playing some of these games would make you sick. "I've been playing the new Castlevania for a bit, and I think it gave me cancer. Hopefully the doctor can take it out of me as easily as this game was to get through."

Are video games made now by the same people who say that you can't fail kids in school? "They can't die in a video game. That's terrible! They'll grow up to think that things won't always go their way!" Fine. We're all winners. No way to lose a game. None.

Slamming your head against a wall trying to beat a video game helped you grow up. The water temple in Ocarina of Time alone put hair on your nuts. True fact. Look at them. I bet it's shaped like the Tri-Force.
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