"Attention passengers, give us more money."

Airlines have started to make flights "cheaper" by letting you pick what you are going to use and what you're not going to use.

"Excuse me, I know for a FACT that I will not be using my window. I'm going to fall asleep. Can you maybe knock ten bucks off my price?"

"Sure. No worries at all."

"Thanks... Oh, by the way, I probably won't throw up. I mean, I'm a pretty good flyer, and unless my wife calls me to tell me she's cheating on me with my friend Bill, who, come to think of it, has been spending a lot of time at the house recently – I should be okay. Another dollar off?"

Those things are not optional, and as it turns out, you need just about everything that they let you choose from.

For a while now, airlines have been charging for checked bags. For a bag that a few years ago they knew they had to have the human decency to just put on the plane, now they charge you for it. I think it makes sense in some cases. I'm sure years ago people would bring a trunk full of rocks onto the plane.

"I'd like to check this. You're gonna wanna watch that. It blew the tire on the cab on the way over, and I threw my back out twice moving it. You guys have a crane you use for the bags, right? Hey! Watch it, okay? It's fragile."

Not long ago, though, even if an airline charged you for checked bags, you were allowed to have one for free. Now? That luxury is pretty much gone. You want your luggage to be on that plane that you paid to be on? You're paying for it. Or maybe you're going on vacation with nothing.

"Okay. I'm flying to Rome tomorrow. What do I need? Well, I'm going for three weeks. I got my keys, my wallet, my passport.... Yep. I think I'm ready to go. I'll buy clothes over there. Actually, I'm not even wearing clothes on the plane. Just a robe. Let's do it, customs. I'm ready."

Maybe you're not traveling far. So you think that you can bring a carry-on bag with you. You're not checking anything, so this shouldn't cost anything extra. Wrong! Now airlines charge for a carry-on. A bag that could really be anything. How the hell did this happen?

"We're not making enough money on these flights. What do we do?"

"Raise the price of flights?"

"Jesus. Of COURSE we could do that. But do you think that's evil enough? You know what? I've had it with you and your garbage. You're fired! Anyone else?"

"...Ummm, we could charge people money for their carry-on bags?"

"...Now, Goddamn. THAT is an idea! We'll charge ol' sucker tits to bring on bags that we give them the room for anyway! That is great. You keep coming up with ideas like these, I'll you get a raise."

"Well, I have some more! What about charging people money to get on to the website to book their flight?"

"... There... are no... words. Pat yourself on the back, and get the hell out of here. You deserve the day off after that wicked brilliance. There will be a briefcase of money on your door step. And if you see the man I just fired, kick him in the ass and tell him your idea!"

What constitutes a carry-on? A backpack? What about a wallet? It is technically a carry-on. It holds things the same as a bag does. Is it just anything that you are not going to keep directly on you at all times? What if you are going to keep it on you? You could sit in a seat wearing a gym bag. That's a carry-on? What about a fanny pack? Fanny packs can hold a ton. Goes around your waist like a belt. Are we charging for those?

"Whoa, a bigger wallet. Sir, we're going to have to charge for that fanny pack."

"Actually, I'm not a man. I'm a hot woman who thinks that this is not a fanny pack because it's Gucci and I wear it over my arm."

"Oh, my apologies! Most people with those are over weight men wh..., you don't watch NASCAR?"

Isn't that amazing? Charge you to bring on a bag that you could keep on your lap. A bag that doesn't have to leave you at all. Are they going to start charging for pants?

"Sir, I'm sorry. It's forty dollars to wear full-length pants. Shorts are free. Capris are twenty dollars. But full-length pants? Forty bucks. New policy. We just don't have the room on the plane for all of the fabric."

"But... I'm wearing it. How is there no roo..."

"Sir. Don't embarrass yourself. Just give us the money."

Flights will even charge you for a seat. Not an upgraded seat. Not an exit row seat. A seat! A seat now on some airlines doesn't come with the price of the ticket! No seat! The ticket price now is just so you have the privilege of getting on the plane.

"Thank you for paying three hundred dollars for your flight! We will open the doors for you and you are allowed to step onboard. However, until you pay a bit more, do not sit down! Our seats do not come with the ticket price, you bag of trash. We have stopped you from being homeless – that is all."

You need a seat! That is not an extra. That is not a perk! They'll let you fly without a bag; they will not let you fly without a seat. You HAVE to buy a seat or you can't fly. It's complete robbery. If you could fly without a seat, people would do it to save money.

"Man, this flight only cost me four dollars! I refused all of the luxuries! No seat, no bags, no free peanuts, no washroom privileges. Nothing! I heard that starting next year they'll let you fly for free if you agree to be apart of the landing gear. Oh, man! Thailand here I come! Hey, can I go ask the pilot for a transfer like this is a bus? I'm standing like it's one."

You don't get a seat anymore? That's completely ridiculous. No one else could get away with this.

"Yes, sir. The steak is forty dollars. A plate is an extra three dollars."

"Plate? You don't give me a plate with this? Well, I'm not tipping."

"That is impossible, sir. Gratuity is included in the bill. We win at every turn. So... plate?"

Also, the whole 'Cheap Flights!' sentiment is basically a lie. You'll see ads that say, "Fly to the other side of the earth for two hundred dollars!" then you look at the small print and the tax is eight hundred dollars! If the tax is higher than the price, then that's the price! You can't say it's ten bucks if the tax is four thousand dollars.

"Hey! Come get this free TV!"

"Oh, man! I'll take it!"

"Good choice! How would you like to pay? That'll be seven hundred dollars."

"What? You said it was free."

"Oh, it is! The tax on free, though, is seven hundred dollars. I know, it doesn't make any sense! But think of the deal you're getting here. Free!"

"Free! Take my credit card and charge it! I'm getting a free TV!"

And this isn't tax! Tax on ten bucks is about a dollar. What world are you living in that the tax on something is way higher than the price?

"See, people thought they were paying too much before. So we started doing this new thing, where we say something is very cheap, and then have the tax be two thousand percent of that. People are paying the exact same amount, but they feel they are getting a deal. It's kinda the same as if a woman offers you a hand job and then fully has sex with you."

"...It's nothing like that at all. And who the hell are you? You pulled my headphones off while I was trying to write. What do you want?"

"Oooohhhh, I'm sorry. I guess people at this Starbucks don't want to hear the tale of the 'price lowering, tax highering' debacle of the late 2000s. Soooorrryyyy. You buy a latte four days ago in here and somehow your opinion doesn't mean anything. I see how it is!"

If airlines are now going to charge for things we should be getting anyway, we should start getting some other options. Some options we might actually want. When are they going to start charging you for the ability to tell the stewardess what we don't want to hear? How much would that cost?

"If you would direct your attention to the front, we will be going over the safety features of this air cr..."

"We get it. The safety features. We've all flown before. Can you just shut it!"

"Me 'shutting it' is an extra charge of ten dollars."

"Here! Just stop telling me how to buckle a seat belt!"

How about being able to pay a bit more to keep your headphones on? Which would basically just be money to fly as an adult. You were old enough to book the flight, pay for it, but you are not an adult enough to decide whether you wear headphones or not? How about a fee to have no babies on a flight? I don't mean kids. I mean babies. Babies scream. A lot. It's annoying to hear on the street, but in a tube that you are stuck in? Whoa. If there had been a baby in that canyon, '127 Hours' would have a very different ending.

"Ah, God! My arm is stuck under this rock! What the hell will I do? I have enough water to last a fe...."

"Waaaaa! Waaaaa! WAAAAA!"

"A baby? There's a baby in this canyon!? Well, that settles it. I can't deal with this!" (<smashes his head off of rock until he passes out>)

Yes, people with babies have to fly with babies, but some of it is just unnecessary.

"We're taking little Ted here to Florida! He can't wait!"

"Waaaa! Waaaaaa! WAAAAAAA!"

"Well, he doesn't know you're taking him to Florida. He'll be very happy when he grows up, though, to see pictures of the time you took him to see Mickey at a time when he couldn't enjoy it. How much to get this baby out of here!"

How about being able to pay some money so that they don't try to sign you up for a credit card in the air? There's almost nothing more offensive than that. Being stuck in a tube that is flying through the air, and having someone trying to get you to sign up for credit. The only equivalent to that on earth is if you found yourself stuck inside a priority mailbox with a banker.

"Greetings, sir! Do you want to hear about our interest rates?"

"What the hell is going on?! Am I inside a mailbox!?"

"Not quite, sir. You're inside a box that SENDS mail."

"Well, how the hell did that happen? I was just walking down the street..."

"And you came across a man holding a goat's head?"

"Yeah! I bumped into him by accident, then I en..."

"Yep, there you have it. Bumped into a witch doctor. Me too. But that hasn't stopped me from trying to make an extra dollar for a company that doesn't care about me. Now let's talk limit. You have thirty thousand dollars of debt. How about a card with a million dollar limit?"

"Nooooooooooo!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

About to be hit by a train? The NY Post will print it!

Last week, there was a picture on the cover of the New York Post that showed a man who was about to be hit by a subway train. Actual picture, actual event. There are many things about this that are insane. 

For one, how can you take a picture of a man who's ABOUT to die? A person who is in danger and could be helped – and your first thought is not to take a step toward to help this man, but to focus your camera so you can get his expression?

"Help! Someone help me off the tracks!"

"Hey, this is just like the TV! But there are no cameras here. Wait! Except this one around my neck! Don't worry, NBC, I'll be your eyes and ears on this one."

"Help! Help me!"

"I am helping, sir! I am taking your picture so that everyone gets to see this horrible event. You'll be in the paper! Say cheese! …Guttural screaming, huh? That's a weird way to say 'cheese'."

Why would someone take a picture of this, you ask? The man who took the picture said he started taking pictures so that the flash on his camera would alert the driver. I think that needs to be written again to really understand its outlandishness. He took the picture... so that the flash... would alert the driver. Are we serious? Can this be said at all? What other ludicrous ways does this man try to alert people?

"Hey, man! I tried to warn you about that bike that was about to hit you. You didn't see me? I was across the street and I made an origami swan and threw it at you. Man, first you run the light and then you don't see the swan? You're not good at reading signals, huh?"

He took pictures so the flash would alert the driver?! There's no end to what a lie that is to protect himself against people who call him a monster. That reasoning is as insane as when a kid tries to make up a story of how a chair was broken.

"Well, you see, we were standing on the chair to do our homework."

"Really? In the kitchen? Beside the cookies?"

"Yeah! We weren't going to eat them; the cookies just help us focus. So we were standing on the chair, and I said, "I love my mom so much! She's so great!" and I guess the weight of those words, combined with our own weight, broke the chair."

The picture taker was on The Today Show the following day, and was asked why he didn't help the man, and if he felt bad about taking the pictures. His answers were pretty robotic, and he didn't seem as if he felt any emotions, let alone guilt or sadness. 

"If I gave you a new car right now, would you be happy about it?"

"I don't know. It would depend on whether or not my batteries are fully charged. If you are going to give me a new car, can you check my bars? I want to act accordingly."

He was asked as well if he sold the pictures or made money off of them.

"Yes. I was offered money for them. I wouldn't call it 'selling' the pictures, I would call it 'licensing'."

Licensing! This man has a picture of someone about to die, and he's 'licensing' the pictures?

"Ya know, I REALLY want a picture of a dead guy, but I just don't think I can afford it right now."

"Can't afford it?! Well, I've got a deal for you. How does one hundred dollars down and forty bucks a month for the next five years?"

"Really? Okay, that soun... Wait, what does forty bucks a month for the next five years equal out to?"

"It equals out to you leaving right now with a picture of a dead guy."

"Wow! Where do I sign!"

Not only was it bad enough that someone has a picture of this at all, but the New York Post printed it. On the front page! Printed it on the front page of the paper? With the headline "Doomed"? Are you "Faces of Death"? Are you hard up for sales? If you're printing this, why not print other pictures of people about to die? Why not head right to the morgue, and instead of just having a story about a prostitute who was murdered, get a picture of her? Why not? Do you have to see it as it's happening before the picture can be used?

"Guys! I have a great picture for your paper! You heard about the old woman who was stabbed last night for her wallet, right? Well, take a look at this."

"Whoa! That's a straight-on shot of her face. Wait, is that the knife in her stomach?"

"Yeah! I stabbed her with my left hand, took the picture with my right! I can steady a camera better with my right hand. My left hand is kinda shaky. This woman found that out the hard way."

"...You murdered this woman?"

"Sure did. Seventy-eight bucks on her."

"Well, sir, I'm am thoroughly disgusted... that you are going to go to jail for this! I mean, look at the lighting! Look at how close you are! It's just a shame. You'll probably get fifteen years, but when you get out, you'll have a job here with benefits. Congratulations."

Not one person there could help this guy? Not one? I know there isn't a good Samaritan law, but man, can nothing be done to these people? At least be banned from the subway for a bit. Something.

"Can I buy a monthly pass?"

"Sure... wait. Weren't you on the platform the other day when a man fell onto the tracks and you didn't do anything about it?"

"Yeah! Man, it was nuts. I got some pictures. You want to see? I got right up in his face in one of them. You can almost see him mouth the words, "Why the fuck are you taking pictures and not giving me a hand at all?"

"You are not allowed on the train, sir. And you make me sick."

Maybe the people on the tracks actually wouldn't have been able to help him. I wasn't there. But could they have at least attempted to help him? At least fake an attempt to try to help him? People feign interest all the time. Just about any time someone is walking behind you when you walk through a doorway, and they're just a little bit too far behind for you to hold it open for them, you'll make an attempt at pretending to reach back to hold it, but you just don't quite make it.

"Ah, sorry, man. My hand didn't reach it in time. I tried. Sorry about that cake that was smashed into your face. If only you were two steps faster."

We fake attempts all the time! If an old woman is about to lift a heavy box, and you see someone close to her who is going to help her, you'll probably still make the attempt, even though you will not be called upon.

"Oh, you got it? Okay."

"No, actually. I was going to help her with her coat. Could you give us a hand?"

"Sorry, what? I am now five steps away from you. You probably just want to thank me again for stepping forward, but here's a secret, I had no intention of helping, regardless. Thanks, though."

The people there couldn't even ATTEMPT to help him? Not even take a stride forward? Not even yell out? Nothing? Just stand there and wait for it to happen?

Maybe that's why there are action movies. Movies that show people doing heroic things that no one would ever attempt in real life. Maybe if action movies were based on reality, they wouldn't even happen.

"John McClane! Your wife's Christmas party has been taken over by terrorists! You are the only one who can help!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Help? Not on your life. First of all, I'm off duty. Second, terrorists? Don't think so. And it's 'ex' wife. Maybe if she hadn't left me, I'd think differently. But right now? I'm way too upset to forgive her for leaving, and I will let these terrorists capture her out of spite. Stop terrorists without any shoes? Yippe-kay-nay!"

It's amazing that not one person stepped forward to help this man. I think people don't want to help because most people don't want to step out of line. No one wants to be embarrassed. About ninety-five percent of people try their hardest to go all day without bumping into people, being noticed by strangers, or doing something that could be deemed embarrassing or ridiculous. Most people are horrified that they could be called upon to do something.

"Man, I can't go help that guy. What if I make it into the paper? I'm not wearing anything cool enough to be in the paper – just a stupid black jacket. Or worse! What if I trip on the way over to help him and everyone here sees me fall on my face! I could never take the subway again! How could I continue to live if forty people saw me trip and f... Oh! The train hit him! Whoa. Well, at least I can slink back into obscurity. Thank you, Jesus."

It's crazy that a man is PUSHED onto the tracks and no one moves at all. If someone dropped his or her phone? Everyone would care.

"Man, you dropped your phone! That's terrible. Here, I'll hold your stuff while you jump down and grab it."

"A man was just pushed onto the tracks!"

"Oh, God! Tell him to get up and get pushed again! I have to get my phone so I can take a picture of him! He hasn't died yet, has he? I want a picture!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

The Self-Sufficient pant

I'm not sure where sweatpants are ranked in the world of pants, but no matter where that may be – they are under rated. Even if they are rated number one.

"Number one? Come on. Who voted on this? They got robbed!"

For some reason, we are made to believe that there are only two types of people who wear sweatpants. Either really athletic people, who run all the time and go to the gym, or really obese, racist people, who run to buffets and work out at the gym of hate.

"Hey, you're wearing sweatpants. Do you try to keep in shape?"

"Shape? Do I look like I try to keep in shape? You don't need to be in shape to wave the confederate flag... You're only supposed to wave it three times anyway before you break into a coughing fit... right?"

Most people look at sweatpants as gross, disgusting pants that are only worn by huge, grossly obese people who love wrestling and racist comments.

"Hey! Slam that guy onto that dirty wetback while I drink forty-two ounces of Coke and crush these chili dogs! Ahhh! I think my heart just got put in a Sharpshooter! Ahhh!"

People also think of sweatpants as pants worn by personal trainers who haven't had an ounce of sugar in four years.

"I operate on a level of two percent body fat. If I reach anything higher or lower, I die. I also throw up pretty consistently when training people like you. What is your body fat level? Forty-two percent? Jesus... I can barely... stand... here... (<throws up>)."

"Do you have to throw up on the treadmill? I was going to run on that."

"You... run? (<throws up>)."

Everyone has a pair of sweatpants. Or at least they should. If you don't, here are some reasons why you might want to re-think that.

Sweatpants are amazing for long flights. You spend thirteen hours in a flying bus, pretty much stuck in a seat that a Chihuahua would feel claustrophobic in, there's someone always on an intercom telling you what you can and cannot do, so is this the time to get out clothes that are restricting?

"Honey, where's my tie? I'm about to get into a box and I want to look my best."

"Really? Are you dying? I know I'm going to die if I have to wait another day for you to fix the sink."

"Look, the water drains, okay? Just get off of my back. I'm flying and I want to be as uncomfortable as possible!"

"Uncomfortable? Why didn't you tell me? I'd love to help with that."

"Why are we still married?! This feels like the seat I'm about to sit in for half a day!"

If you are flying for a long time, you can try to look your best, but your face will look its worst half way through.

"Sir! Are you okay? From the neck down you look as though you are about to tackle a meeting. From the neck up you look like you are about to tackle a bed after drinking whiskey."

"Huh? Yeah. This flight is really hurting my fa... Really? You think I'll crush this meeting?"

"Sure. Just lead with your suit. Put your jacket over your head."

Sweatpants are also amazing for sitting at home. There is no reason to wear anything else in your house. Walking from room to room. Making food. Watching TV. What else would there be to wear in this situation?

"Man, I can't make chicken. My velour suit is filthy! Well, I guess I'm not eating."

Unless someone is coming over, there's no reason to have anything else on. And what if that person comes over in sweatpants!

"Hey, man. How are you?"

"I was good a minute ago when I thought we were hanging out. I wore sweatpants!"

"We're hanging out. What are you talking about?"

"What am I talking about? You're wearing jeans, man. Jeans! How can you really sink into a chair and enjoy Left 4 Dead in denim?"

"I was thinking about sitting erect."

"...I have never been so offended."

We have the ability right now to be comfortable when we want to be. We should take advantage of this as much as possible. Not a lot of other times in history has that been a thing. Pioneers, I bet, would have loved some sweatpants. After a long day of cutting down trees, hunting for food, building the place where they would sleep in. Do they really want to sit around a fire, drinking moonshine, wearing wool pants?

"Victor, you really shoed that horse properly today."

"Thank you. He kicked me half a dozen times, but I'm a man, and men at this point in history do not complain. Time to relax. We only have two hours until we have to get up and do it all again."

"Yes. I really wish I had something comfortable to sit in. After sixteen straight hours of work, these wool pants really do feel awful."

"Is that complaining I hear? Are you not a man?"

You can even use sweatpants to hold things. Hold things such as computers. Weird? Yes. I, though, for years, used sweatpants to wrap my laptop when I traveled. Why? Not sure. I didn't want to buy a computer case. So I didn't. I wrapped my computer in sweatpants, which was great for two reasons. One, my computer was safe. Two, I would have sweatpants when I got to wherever I was going.

"Huh, my computer still hasn't broken AND I have comfortable pants that wouldn't have fit in my luggage. Can people wear THEIR computer sleeves when they're are not holding a computer? I think not."

Sweatpants can also be tapered. Does anyone know how great this is? Tapering? So you don't walk on them? So that they don't fall down? It's great! You can't really have this on any other pants. I've seen them on jeans, but it looks strange.

"Why do your jeans hug your ankles like that?"

"Oh, they're tapered."

"... Are you going to run in your jeans?"

"What.?"

"Tapered pants are usually only tapered for athletic activities."

"Oh. Well. I did not know that."

Sweatpants are also pretty much the only pants that don't need a belt. They are a self-sufficient pant. Elastic waist, or better yet – a string you can tighten. They can be worn as soon as you get them. When you buy sweatpants, you are given everything you need with them. Regular pants are really no good without the accessory.

"Well, I just bought some pants. Now to put them on. Damn! I forgot to buy the other thing that is mandatory to have with these. I can't put a piece of string around my waist. People will think I'm crazy! If only it were socially acceptable to wear sweatpants to a funeral. Well, I guess I'll just have to pull my jacket down far, and keep my hands in my pockets so these pants don't fall down. Sorry, uncle Jerry. I tried."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh