Baking Up Justice
"It never gets easier."
"What, Joe? Killing the enemy?"
Joe reaches the chopper, steps one foot inside, turns to face a fellow soldier. He slowly takes his aviators off.
"No, doing the right thing."
Joe hops on the helicopter. His body glistens in the sun, the way one would expect a trout that meets Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing would. He is shirtless, wearing a bandana, with a look on his face that says he's been here before.
"Let's do it again. For our women. For our fellow soldiers."
"For America?"
Joe gets a distant look in his eye.
"...That goes without saying. But I'm glad you said it."
The chopper flies over a thick jungle. Joe is standing in the doorframe. He is holding an American flag and eating a slice of apple pie.
"Where'd you get that pie, Joe?"
"I made it myself – out of 3 bullets, a hunting knife, an enemy’s boot strap, and the memories of fallen friends."
"Oh... any good?"
"...It could use some sugar."
"Quite the cook, huh Joe?"
"My sweetie back home runs a bakery. I watch her sometimes when I'm thinking of ways to kill."
Joe takes a look towards the ground.
"Take her down."
"What?! Here, Joe? I can't land here! We'll be shot at!"
Joe grabs the pilot, spins him around, and looks him right in the eye.
"Getting shot at is what I came over here for. That – and to see the look in your eye when I do this."
Joe picks the pilot up and throws him outside of the chopper.
"I never should have questioned America! God bless you, Joooooeeeee!"
Joe grabs the controls and sends the helicopter into a nosedive. As the ground gets closer and closer, a small smirk appears on Joe's face. He is finishing the last of the apple pie.
The ground is getting closer and the helicopter is heading straight for a small schoolhouse.
"Hmmm. ‘School for the Blind’. They're not even gonna see it coming."
Joe wipes his mouth with his American flag and then dives out of the helicopter. The helicopter slams into the school, blowing it to pieces. The school’s teacher and students were on their way in.
"Oh, dear God! Students! I'm happy you can't see this."
"Why, Mrs. Doubletree? What was that loud bang?"
"Ahh... it was math. Math saying, "learn me!"
"And the feeling of fire?"
"That's the tardy dragon saying we're late. Now open those books!"
Joe is swooping towards the earth as if he is an eagle about to pluck a fish out of a lake. He is holding the American flag in his hands by the pole.
"Nobody said it was gonna be easy, but it sure will be fun."
Joe hits the ground and instantly throws the American flag and pole through three men – impaling them against a tree. As they die, they each give a thumbs up as the American Flag waves in them.
Joe ducks behind a barrel and peers around it. He sees a man walking with a donkey dragging a cart and a store where a few men and women are standing out front talking.
"Taking a break, huh guys? Well, you're about to get Joe Horsepower-ed... that's killed!"
Joe jumps out from behind the barrel. He runs toward the man with the donkey cart and kicks him in the chest.
"Don't bother getting up. That was a Horsepower kick. Your insides are mush."
Joe takes a grenade off of his belt, pulls the pin, puts it inside the donkey’s mouth and picks him up.
"EEEE AHHHH! EEEE AHHHH!"
"You're about to be Mule-tilated!"
Joe throws the mule towards the men and women in front of the store.
"EEEE AHHHHHHHHH!" BOOM! The people are thrown about. Just then, Joe's General comes running out of the store with his gun drawn.
"Jesus Christ! What the hell is going on out here?! Joe! JOE! What the hell are you doing?"
"Sir, what am I doing? I'm spreading freedom across this war torn land."
"You dumb son of a bitch! This is neutral land! There's no fighting going on here! You just killed innocent people! Couldn't you tell – by the fact that nobody had a gun? Or that a damn donkey was in the middle of the road instead of a jeep or artillery truck?!"
"...Sir, with all due respect, I thought the donkey was a jeep. A jeep – with an elaborate donkey cover."
"GOD DAMMIT IT. JOE! THAT'S IT! You are out of here! You are discharged! Dis-honorably discharged! DIS-HONORABLY, DIS-HONORABLY DISCHARGED!"
"...Is that the most dis-honorable way to discharge?"
"YES! God damn it, yes! I'm making sure you go to anger management as well before you are let back on the American taxpayer! Get on that helicopter!"
A helicopter lands behind Joe. He turns around and walks towards the helicopter. As he gets on, he turns to look at his General. The General is saluting with his middle finger.
"All right, everyone. Welcome to Anger Management."
Joe is sitting in a semi-circle of chairs. There is a table with a coffee maker and muffins against the wall. Around Joe are other soldiers. The anger management coach sits in front of them.
"Now, you are all here because you cannot control your anger. Let's go around the room and share the incident that got you here. Colonel Smith?"
"...All right. I was doing my laundry and a dryer ate my sock. That sock... that beloved sock... was one half of a pair my daughter made for me in her sewing class. They never fit right and they were purple, but that's not the point. I loved that sock!"
"I understand. And what did you do?"
"I rigged the dryer with C-4 and I blew it up! How was I to know that it was enough C-4 to take out an entire floor? Huh?! HOW WAS I TO KNOW!"
"Shhh. Breathe, Colonel Smith. Count backwards from one million, six hundred and forty seven thousand, three hundred and forty one."
"ONE MILLION, SIX HUNDRED AND FORTY SEVEN THOUSAND, THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY ONE! One million, six hundred and forty seven thousand, three hundred and forty. One million, six hun..."
"Joe Horsepower, would you like to share?"
Joe looks up from his hands. He has "freedom" and "Chevy" tattooed on his palms.
"Yeah, I'll tell you. I'm here because I love my country too much. I'm here because I love eagles, baseball, and monster trucks! I'm here because other countries are WRONG!"
Joe stands up, pumping his fist in the air.
"...I see. Are you also here because you threw a pilot out of a helicopter, blew up a school for blind children, impaled three men with a flagpole, dropkicked another man turning his insides to pudding, and force fed a donkey a grenade before throwing it at a group of civilians?"
Joe lowers his arm.
"...No contest."
The Rocky Movies
In my opinion, the Rocky franchise is the greatest movie franchise there is. I even like Rocky V, but I can say that now because there is a sixth. When Rocky V was the final one? Not the best way to end a series.
"Dad! I'm getting beat up at school!"
"Oh, that's great! What's that behind your ear? A quarter!"
Knowing the story alone is enough to love Rocky. Stallone had no money at all. He sold his wife's jewelry to keep the heat on because he didn't want to get a job and take away from his acting career. She left him (which makes sense) and it was just him and his dog. He saw the Chuck Wepner/Muhammad Ali fight (which the first Rocky is based on) and went home and wrote the script in twenty-eight hours. He tried to sell it and people wouldn't buy it if he wanted to star in it. He was offered two hundred and fifty thousand dollars NOT to star in it, and he refused. Then he was offered thirty thousand for it and they agreed to take a chance on him starring in it – and it won best picture of '77... that alone! THAT ALONE! Huge. Just huge. Not too many other movies have that back-story.
"I didn't really like You Don't Mess with the Zohan."
"Yeah, but did you know that Adam Sandler made a whole lot of great movies before that one?"
"...Yeah. That's why I didn't like it."
As a series, people put Indiana Jones, Back to the Future, and Star Wars up against the Rocky movies. Better than Rocky?! Let's take a look.
Indiana Jones – Very cool story. Very cool man. Has a whip and a gun. He traveled to exotic lands. Is this a better franchise than Rocky? No way. Why? Rocky would win in a fight every time.
"Welcome everyone to the Fight of the Century! Rocky Balboa, the Italian Stallion, vs. Colonel Henry Walton "Indiana" Jones, Jr., Ph.D., an archaeology professor. Strange attire to box in – a hat and leather jacket – but we'll see what he can do."
DING!
"And there's the opening bell! Rocky starts to the center of the ring and OH MY GOD! Indiana pulls out a whip and is instantly disqualified! I can't believe it! Rocky wins due to disqualification!"
In Indiana Jones time, if Rocky had been the boulder that chased Indiana in Raiders of the Lost Ark, he would have got him. Or if Rocky had been the man who gets shot in that scene by Indiana, the bullet would have been absorbed by Rocky’s never-give-up-attitude.
BOOM!
"How are you still alive?!"
"Well, ya know, Mick used to say, “'Don't let no bullet, throw in your towel', so I just, ya know, don’t."
Back to the Future – great series of movies. I like all of them. I love the second one. If Rocky had been in these movies? Biff’s 1985 never would have happened.
"Oh, no! Biff took the sports almanac back in time to his younger self!"
"Hey... yo... just point me in the direction of this Biff guy, and ya know, I'll straighten him out, like."
"We can't! The flux capacitor needs 1.21 gigawatts!"
"Yo... I don't know about a giga-what's-it, but I'm gonna run up this here mountain, yell Biff’s name so loud he'll hear it, and if he's, ya know, any kinda man, he'll get in the ring."
Star Wars – now people may think, "There's no way Rocky could beat someone who has a lightsaber. Lightsabers cut through doors!" Well, lightsabers never had to cut through something as hard as Rocky's abs. Rocky III and IV? He pooled all of the abs in the world. Other men at that time didn't even have stomachs because Stallone took them all – the way Shang Tsung takes souls. He looked like a shark in boxing trunks. Any woman who had sex with Stallone at that point in time also had her soul washed on his abs. If he had sex with an eighty-year-old woman, it would have ironed the wrinkles out of her.
"Oh my, this is insane! I feel younger!"
"Yo... you are. These abs turn back time. Your spirit-ality."
A lightsaber? It would have snapped in half had it met those abs!
"What?! Just this morning I cut an AT-ST in half! How did it break on your abs?!"
"Yo, I've been training with Apollo. He's real good, you should, ya know, meet him."
Another great thing about the series is that none of the actors change! Over thirty years! Adrian is Talia Shire the entire time. Paulie is Burt Young! For thirty years!? If they did change, it would have been with famous people. Do you know how terrible Rocky VI would have been with Tracy Morgan as Paulie?
"Yo, Paulie, what happened to your eye?"
"My eye? I still look handsome, I look good. I'm the ooh child. Somebody gonna get pregnant."
Some people were angry about Rocky VI coming out. Rocky VI is great for too many reasons. For one, it's loosely based off of actual events! It's the story of George Foreman. To sum it up quickly, George Foreman fought Muhammad Ali in the Rumble in the Jungle. George was younger and stronger, so the odds were in his favor. George lost, and went through a ridiculous depression for the next ten years. Ten years! When he went back into boxing, he was in his forties. People laughed at him. Nobody thought a man in his forties could beat people in their twenties. But when he was forty-five, he won back the heavyweight title! Forty-five! Won it! That's incredible, and that is what Stallone based Rocky VI on.
I've met a lot of women who don't understand the Rocky movies. "Why do men like them so much? Because he punches people?" The Rocky movies are to men, what movies like Dirty Dancing and The Notebook are to women. Women watch those to live out a fantasy, we do the same. Only difference, our fantasy could beat the hell out of your fantasy. Also, those movies rev you up for challenges. If you were running a marathon, you wouldn't watch "Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked" to get motivated.
"I've got thirty five miles to run tomorrow. Come on Chipmunks! Be cute!"
When I meet a man who doesn't like the Rocky movies, I assume he has no ambition or drive at all.
"I didn't like the Rocky movies at all. So stupid. All right, guys, if you'll excuse me, I have a big day planned. I have to re-tin foil my windows as I'll be in the house all weekend hot boxing...woo, that took the wind out of me. Can someone carry me to the door?"
The soundtracks are enough to make you want to do something with your life. Do other soundtracks have that? Star Wars’ soundtrack is great, Jurassic Park’s is amazing, but does either one of those make you want to finish that deck you started last February? Nope. The Rocky soundtrack would make you tear down your house just to build a better one.
"What are you doing?!"
"I'm tearing this ol’ house down and building a house with a tennis court! Yo Adrian, I'm doing it!"
"Who the hell is Adrian? And you don't have to tear down the whole house to add a ten..."
"YOOOOO!"
Also, Stallone wrote ALL of the Rocky movies and directed four of them! Do you know how incredible that is for a series? Did Michael J. Fox write Back to the Future? Did Harrison Ford put the whip down and get behind a camera? Nope. They just had the one job. Act.
"Stallone, we need you to stand here. Oh, look at that, I'm talking to myself. Also, we need a re-write. Yep, that's me as well. What the hell are you other guys doing here!? Get out of here Carl Weathers! I'm gonna Eddie Murphy this whole thing."
I think Sylvester Stallone has brought enough to this planet. Rocky was enough, but then he did five more. Sylvester Stallone should be exempt from worrying about global warming. He has done his part.
"Umm, you can't just dump that gasoline in the sewer, Mr. Stallone."
"Oh, yeah… well I wrote a series of movies that inspired you to get out of bed this morning to fight for this planet."
"...Umm, yeah. I guess you're right! Can I have your autograph? You can sign it in gasoline."
The Rocky movies have inspired people for generations, and will continue to do so. When a man gets any kind of success in his life because a DeLorean went back in time, I'll change my mind. Remember guys, Rocky stopped the Cold War and brought down the Iron Curtain with his bare hands! Okay, Rocky IV is a little over the top – Boom! Stallone pun in a sentence about Rocky IV! – but it is entertaining.
Hipsters.
People seem to really despise hipsters. People hate them. People who aren't hipsters, that is. Hipsters seem to hate hipsters even more!
"Damn, dirty hipsters and their dress shoes from the twenties. God, I hate them. Hey, can you pass me my old camera that looks like I found it at the bottom of the ocean? Thanks."
Hipsters love vintage this, vintage that.
"I don't want NEW clothes. Are you insane? A cute little old man might not have died in my oversized cardigan if it were NEW? Wow."
Hipsters, though, are the FIRST people in line for new iPhones.
"My God, I can't wait to get the new iPhone!"
"Neither can I! Hey, have you seen the new Mission: Impossible?"
"Ugh, no! New movies have too much CGI. They haven't made a good movie since the sixties. As soon as I get this phone I'm going to tweet about what an idiot you are for watching new movies. Right after I download an app to see where I can still get old Beatles records."
Most hipsters don't seem to be comfortable. Most seem on edge. They're waiting to yell at someone. Most hipsters don't have a look on their face that says, "I'm comfortable with what I'm wearing." Most hipsters have a look of, "I dare you to ask about this ripped t-shirt with a random black guys face on it. Do it! I'm ready to explode!"
"Hey, I really like your glasses."
"Oh, yeah? You do? THEY'RE FAKE, ALL RIGHT? Are you happy now?! Why can't I just wear what I want? Why can't I be my own person?"
"...I just said I liked them."
"YOU'VE SAID ENOUGH!"
It seems that a lot of people dress like hipsters just because they don't know what else to do. Remember the guys in 2003 who wore FUBU jerseys who really didn't look like they should be wearing them because they didn't know what else to wear? If you knew me in 2003, you do.
"Nathan, you gonna get that large FUBU jersey, cuz?"
"Large! What am I? A girl? Extra large! Let's make this happen, awkwardness!"
Hipster fashion has taken over. If you're not dressing like a hipster right now, there are not too many other choices. You've got the small town guy who wears Affliction t-shirts and Fox Racing jackets.
"Get yer dam CCM twig outta my face, Darryl, before I have ta drive my Ford F150 to yer mom’s and just give er."
You can wear a suit all the time.
"Get your damn CCM hockey stick out of my face, Darryl, before I have to take the bus to your mom’s and love her."
Just about everyone is dressing like a hipster. Even rappers now are dressing like hipsters! A few years ago, there was no way rappers would have worn tight things. There are no more 'rapper'-looking rappers.
"Whoa, that guy’s a rapper? He looks like he should be skipping an eighth grade math class."
"You're dressed exactly like him."
"What! How did this happen?!"
It's funny when certain types of people come around to "be different". Goths, emos, hipsters. When everyone tries to be different, everyone ends up being the same.
"I'm not like everyone else! Their wool hats are orange. Mine is blue! Clear difference."
Who isn't a hipster right now? You can't throw Kings of Leon's first CD without hitting a hipster on a bike made during the era of the Titanic.
"Ow! Oh, nice! This was before they became mainstream. God, what is this – a compact disc? It's vinyl or nothing with me. Can you throw a cassette of this at me at least?"
A lot of hipsters don't like mainstream music, movies or culture. And that's fine, but there is no reason to act as if you are better than people when they don't know what you are talking about.
"Have you heard of The Hamster Carts?"
"No, I haven't. What kind of mus..."
"Of course you haven't! They only put out one song then destroyed their instruments."
"...then why did you ask me i..."
"I've turned my suspenders towards you, sir! Good day!"
Hipster neighborhoods are INSANELY gross. It's not hip to clean your surroundings? All of their neighborhoods look like the decks of pirate ships in the fourteenth century.
"Do any garbage men come through this part of town? If that pile of trash gets any bigger, you could put nine rooms in it. Oh, wait. There's one."
"He's not a garbage man. He's my friend, Wolf. He likes to dress like a city worker."
Hipster bars in these neighborhoods seem to not want you in them.
"Can I get a rum and Coke?"
"Yeah, I guess. It's coming in a mason jar."
"Cool. Sometimes I like to act as if I'm on a plantation in the twenties. Is there anywhere to sit?"
"Ugh, we don't have chairs. Everyone sits down. Stand outside."
Hipsters themselves sometimes don't really keep themselves any different than their neighborhoods. Hipster girls’ hands and feet are dirty as truck drivers. It's like they've been moving rocks down at the quarry all day, barefoot.
Every hipster girl has a bird foot as well. A tattoo of a bird on their foot. Bird foot! BIRD FOOT! How did you all decide to get the exact same tattoo, in the exact same place?
"Hey, hey. We're all gonna dress and talk the same way anyway. Why don’t we all get bird feet? It'll be hilarious!"
"Then we will at least be less awkward with each other!"
"Slow down, all right! One thing at a time. Ow! How did we bump heads? You're way over there!"
There's no way that hipster girls are trying to have sex with anyone. Doesn't make any sense. Hipster girls act like every eight-year-old boy from the nineties.
"I love Super Nintendo! Fresh Prince of Bel-Air was a little over the top at points, but I love it! I couldn't be any more awkward if I had been raised underground!"
The only guy that could be attracted to a girl who acts the way he did in grade eight, is a pedophile.
"Hmm. You act and kinda look like the little boys that I'm into, but you're legal? My lucky day!"