Jurassic World. Trailer. Pratt chest.

I love the first Jurassic Park. To me, it's one of the best movies to come out. I was in love with dinosaurs as is when I was a kid, then this movie came out when I was about nine, and I loved it. My mom took me and my brother to see it five times in theatres. I used to look out the back window of the car on the way home and picture a T- Rex chasing us. The second Jurassic Park, I'm not a big fan of. The third one I like more, but still, not a big fan of. For the last few years I've heard that another one was coming. Last week a trailer for it, 'Jurassic World', was released. Some thoughts. 

One of the scenes shows Chris Pratt coming off of an elevator. He's dressed like one of the Smoking Guns from 90's wrestling. He looks like Billy and Barts long lost cousin. Which is fitting, because he's also jacked. And does that vest fit? Barely. It's tight enough that it could worn by a stripper in texas.

"Hey, Platinum! Get your ass up, put this vest on and go shake in front of these people! I don't pay you to sit back here and drink Pepsi. Technically, I don't pay you at all. They do! And they don't throw dollar bills at you some times to sit back here and drink Pepsi. Get out there!"

Why in the hell is Chris Pratt so big in this movie? Does he fight the dinosaurs? Is that part of the Jurassic World tour?

"Alright, ladies and gentleman. You thought that raptor was something, check this out! Chris Pratt mud wrestling a Triceratops! Whose gonna win? Get serious, look at Chris Pratts chest!"

No reason to have a man looking this big in this movie. No regular looking people, huh? Newman was in the first Jurassic Park for god sake. In this one him and people like him are probably fed to the dinosaurs.  

"And here, we feed the dinosaurs."

"What do you feed them?"

"Oh. We feed them people that are not good enough for movies these days. The big and the ugly. If you are big but funny, we'll let you out... maybe. But ugly? Not here. Not today. Good day, uglies! Enjoy dino stomach!"

Chris Pratt is huge in this movie. Huge. He looks like Donkey Kong in this vest. Someone has to be that big? The only possible jobs Chris Pratt could have on the island are dinosaur wrestler, dinosaur eater, or dinosaur bar bouncer. If there's a bar on the island that only dinosaurs drink at, and Chris is the bouncer there.

"Alright, T-Rex. You've had enough to drink."

"Rooooaaarrrr!"

"Hey! What did I tell you! Hit the bricks, buddy. You're outta here!"

The story for Jurassic World is that they made a dinosaur that didn't exist before. They put two different types of DNA together, made a dinosaur that didn't exist, and of course, it breaks loose. Why would they make up another dinosaur? They just made up a dinosaur that didn't exist for this movie? What is wrong with real ones? People were just tired of that?

"God, ANOTHER movie about big scary dinosaurs that attack people? Jesus. How many more times can we see this? What about a Were- dinosaur? A Stega-vampire? A Zombie- Rex? Not just another BORING dinosaur."

I mean sure, the premise of the movie a bit crazy anyway. Bringing dinosaurs back with their own DNA from mosquitos found in tree sap. Sure. You have to go along with that one a bit as is.  But, if you're going to bring back dinosaurs, there are a lot of dinosaurs that are scary enough and cool enough to bring back. They. Are. Dinosaurs. Any of them chasing you wouldn't be good. Nobodies gonna be cool with any of them.

"Woa! A dino... oh. It's just you, Ankylosaur. You scared me for a minute. I thought it was one of your bigger friends. But if it was, you wouldn't be here right! They would have eaten you right away. Alright, come here. Let me pet you. There you go, little ankylosaur. Who likes rubs behind the scales? Who? Who does? Little ankylosaur does."

There also looks like there is so much CGI in this movie. No real dinosaurs. None. In the first Jurassic Park, they made dinosaurs. They could be touched. Sam Neil was looking at a T- rex! Now, nothing is made. It's all computer generated.

"Hey, we're making a new Jurassic Park. Where are the people who made the dinosaurs in the first one?"

"I can get them on the phone."

"Good. Get them on the phone and tell them to go to hell. We don't need them at all. They are garbage. Tell them. Tell them!"

The gate is not even real! The Jurassic Park gate in this trailer is CGI! That thing is just wood! You don't have to do anything crazy to get wood. Nobody is saying that you could ACTUALLY reanimate a real dinosaur, but nailing a couple of pieces of wood together with the words 'Jurassic World' over top? They have that in Orlando right now. 

"Wow! Look at this ride! They have the Jurassic Park sign."

"No way, man. That can't be real. That's impossible. Touch it. Guaranteed it's fake. You can't put wood together. Impossible."

I'm three movies deep in a soon to be four movie franchise, so I'm pot committed on this thing, but man, I really wish we could keep making movies look as good as they did in the 80's and 90's. Why do we want to see nothing? Watch people standing in front of screens that we add things to? Most movies are done with green screen now. It's a person standing in an empty warehouse, pretending that things are happening around them.

"Okay, now you're in a jungle, and there are snakes all around you."

"No. I'm in a janitors closet, and there is nothing around me."

"Okay, jesus. Can you be an actor for one minute? There are snakes around you. One of them keeps sneezing. Can you handle that?"

"Yeah. Sure. Okay. One keeps sneezing. So I'll just writher on the floor here?"

"Jesus. I just told you. JUNGLE. You are in the JUNGLE. So, can you PLEASE be an actor now?"

It'd be nice to see a made dinosaur again. Have to watch the old ones for that. 

Twitter @nathanmacintosh