Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

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Filtering by Category: "sitcoms"

Wanna read this? Cheers.

For some reason, I'm not a fan of the expression 'cheers'. I have never been. I'm not sure why. I can't pinpoint it. It's just something that hits my ears in a strange way. I don't believe that I was ever attacked by a person who wouldn't stop saying it, but maybe.
"Give me your wallet, cheers!"
"What?! Are you joking?"
"Do I look like I'm joking? Cheers! Give me that wallet! Cheers!"
"I'm so confused! Here's my wallet. What's happening?!"
"Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!"
Pretty sure that never happened, but even still, I'm not a fan of the phrase.

There was a point in time when it was said for a specific reason. It used to be said in North America when people were having drinks. Cheers-ing a drink is a sort of celebration. Makes sense.
"We are having drinks. I am happy about this and you should be as well. Let's connect glasses."
"I believe you meant to say 'clink', but sure! 'Cheers' works indeed!"
There was a specific reason for it. But now people say it at the end of a ton of sentences. Used to be just for clanking drinks, but now people say it when a waitress brings them the Buffalo wing sauce they requested.
"Can I have some more napkins?"
"For sure."
"Cheers? To what? Are we celebrating?"
"Oh, I don't mean 'cheers', I mean thank you."
"Then why don't you just say thank you? I just signaled for a beer when you said that. Now I'll just drink it alone and go get napkins. 'Cheers'."

It has its place in parts of the world. England for one, and if you are from there and say it, I get it. But if you live and were born in North America? Doesn't make sense. Unless you are from a part of the world that says it, there's no reason to adopt it. There's no other phrase from parts of the world that people adopt. People don't visit Canada and start saying 'eh'. People don't come back from Germany and keep 'danke schoen' in their vocabulary.
"I'll take a bag. Danke schoen."
"Sie sind willkommen."
"That's German for 'thank you'. I thought you said danke schoen because you knew I was German."
"No, I just visited there and kept saying it when I got back."
"...Don't do that."

It feels as though people who haven't traveled say it. A lot of people use it to seem more worldly. People drop it to APPEAR as though they have traveled around and picked up some customs.
"Hey, man, you just used a phrase that is really only said in Japan. Have you been there?"
"No. I have a friend from there, though. And I've always wanted to go."
"...Okay. Do you get a free flight when you say the phrase or something?"
It's the same way when some people travel and come back with an accent. Gone for a month, and now speak like an Australian.
"Hey, mate, want to go to my flat? We don't have to take the stairs, we can take the lift."
"This is how people in Australia talk. Mate is friend, flat is apartment and lift is elevator. Isn't that interesting?! Here, have a Tim Tam."
"Ah, that is great! You remember how we speak in North America, correct? It's called sarcasm. That is not great."

When did this start? Who brought this over? How did it catch on to a degree that now anytime you leave your house you will hear somebody say it somewhere. Was there one man from the past who flew into North America and decided that this needed to stick?
"Hark! I am a man from Europe's past. I am a fan of all things medieval, and I was a fan of Downton Abbey before it even came out. I have a word that I use at the end of sentences that I believe you should use."
"What is it, sir? Goodbye? Later? We use those. Thanks, perhaps?"
"No, you daft human. I'm speaking of a word that says all of those things, while also saying nothing at all. The word is: cheers."
"...Cheers. Huh. I don't know how I feel."
"If you had said 'cheers' at the end of that sentence, it would have sounded more sophisticated!"
"...I don't know how I feel... cheers. Wow! You're right! I'm sold! Thanks, winged creature!"
I can remember maybe six years ago when it being said was very out of place. People would hear it and if you didn't fit the description of a person who would be saying it, you were called out.
"Hey, what'd you just say? Speak like a human being who speaks over here speaks like."
"That sentence was terrible."
"Your face will feel terrible if you say cheers again. Oh, was that your plan? Get me to say cheers? That's it. You're dead."

It's never really said casually by people who weren't brought up with it. Say for instance, when people from England say it – it seems effortless. There's no forcing it. When someone from North America says it, there seems to be a little bit of pushing. It takes a bit of effort to get it out.
"I appreciate you holding that door for me.... Cheers."
"Why did you pause when you said cheers?"
"What? I didn't. I say it normally just as the people who grew up with it do."
"No, you didn't. You seemed to take a minute for your brain to process what you were about to say."
"No, no! I swear! I've practiced saying at home. Cheers! See? Cheers!"
"Still sounds a bit odd. I will never hold a door for another human being again."

Cheers means so many different things. Goodbye, thanks, see you. It's also a sitcom from the 80s. I think we should be able to put in any of those that we want. Let's drop 'cheers', and use other sitcoms.
"Hey, man. Thanks for coming over."
"No problem, dude. Coach."
"Yeah. It's like Cheers, but I never liked that show. I always thought Craig T. Nelson was underrated and better in a starring role in a sitcom than Ted Danson, so I say 'Coach' to promote him. So, Coach."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Every movie has to be two and a half hours?

I remember a time when some movies were an hour and a half. If a movie was two and a half hours, it was usually because the acting was great, it was about a true event, and it was going to be nominated for an Oscar. Now? There's barely a movie that gets made that isn't as long as it takes to cook a pot roast.
"How long should I cook this turkey?"
"Toss Spiderman 3 on. When that's done, throw it out the window and never bring it into this house again. Also, that turkey will be done."
Some movies need to be two and a half hours. Movies about true events where the details and the story are crucial. They could have made Chaplin an hour and a half, but it was about a man's life. Hard to knock out details.
"I want to make movies! That's what I want to do!"
"Okay. Nobody's stopping you. Start making movies!"
"All right, I will!"
'And Charlie made movies. Very popular movies. He was banned from America for some stuff. The end.'
But there are a lot of movies that do not have to be this long.

For example, comedy movies. Why the hell do comedies need to be as long as Amistad? Pretty much every Judd Apatow movie is at least a half hour longer than it needs to be. They are funny, but there's a point when it's just overkill. Save some of the jokes for another movie. Funny People was one hundred and forty-six minutes. Amistad was one hundred and fifty-five. How does a comedy with Adam Sandler need to be nine minutes shy of a movie about the true story of a slave ship?
"Guys, I think I know how to stop racism. If I make a funny movie that's longer than a sad movie about slaves, I can break the curse."
"...What curse?"
"The curse of racism. It's only stuck around because of these long movies. Wait! I have to make this movie longer than Roots! THAT'S where the power of the curse lies! Get the writers back. We need to make this eight hours long. This curse will be destroyed!"

Even comedies that are fantastic don't need to be that long. Dumb and Dumber. That movie is crazy funny. It's one hundred and seven minutes long. And in that one hundred and seven minutes, I was given all of the information and jokes I needed to enjoy that movie. What's missing from it? Would it have been better if there were another forty-five minutes in it?
"That movie was great! It was funny and has one of the best endings ever. But… what happens to them when they walk away from the Hawaiian Tropic bus? Do they get jobs in the next town? Do they ever find love? Does Harry grow out of that ridiculous haircut? So many unanswered questions. I really wish it were longer."

Over the last few years, why have movies started to become so long? Were people complaining that they didn't have enough time to sit in the theatre chairs that lean back?
"Man, JUST when I get my chair leaned into the perfect position, the movie's over. I swear, Hollywood, stop cutting these off as soon as I get comfortable. Or maybe I should learn to get comfortable sooner. Nope, Hollywood's fault."
Were people upset that they didn't have the chance to stay in a building that charges $5.50 for bottled water? Was there a vote taken that people were upset that they weren't given enough time to finish the monstrous Coca Cola slushies and popcorn that they buy?
"Whoa, this is great. I really like thi... credits? What the hell?! I JUST spiked this slushie for the fourth time. Where am I gonna drink this now? In an alley? And how am I going to finish this tub of popcorn! I can't carry this home on the subway with me. I can't have people knowing I eat this much to myself! It has to be eaten in a dark room like everything else that is shameful. Man. They have to start making these longer."

Have they started making every movie long because of the price increase of the movies? Do they feel they owe us more because movies are fifteen dollars now?
"Look, we can't charge fifteen bucks and only give them an hour and a half of movie."
"What if the movie is really good? They'll probably leave with a beautiful feeling and tell everyone to go see it. If we just make it longer for the sake of making it longer, we'll bore them and they won't tell anyone to see it!"
"Answer me this. When have you ever paid fifteen dollars and not stayed in that place for two and a half hours?"
"Buying socks, picking up fruit, eating an upsized Big Mac meal, getting pants hemmed. How many of these do you want me to name?"
"That's enough. Now, if you had bought socks and could sit down and try them on for two and a half hours in a dark room with OTHER people who are doing the same thing, wouldn't you feel that you got your money's worth?"
"...No! There honestly couldn't be anything I can think of that would be worse. Why would anyone want to do that?"
"Because while you do that you can watch Tom Cruise do stuff! Drive cars. Blow things up. Do you see?!"
"...I... can't...I can't even... I have to leave."

Are movies longer now because most that come out are really bad? Is that it? There are some good movies coming out for sure, but there are a LOT of bad ones as well that still don't pull out at the hour and a half mark.
"All right, the movie is done and edited, and let me tell you – it stinks."
"What's wrong with it?"
"The story, the actors, the editing. The last one is my fault, but when you see a story and actors that are this bad, you don't care about editing it well."
"Oh, man. This is bad. People are going to hate it… I know! We'll make it longer, so they don't feel like they are getting ripped off!"
"...Whoa! I love that idea! How can you complain something was bad if you get a lot of it? It's like if you complain about your two-piece at KFC, and they give you six more pieces! The other six are still trash, but it's MORE OF THEM!"
"Exactly. So throw it all in. Continuity errors, boom mics in the shot, flubbed lines. We'll keep them in the theatre so long, they'll love it!"

The two and a half hour movie is becoming such a staple that soon people will probably be upset if theirs isn't that long.
"How was the movie?"
"Total rip! It was only an hour and forty minutes. Great movie, but come on? I mean, I paid for a babysitter! She's just gonna make thirty bucks for two hours of work?"
"...I'm the babysitter. You are talking to me."
"...Oh ...Yeah. Sorry. Do you mind if I give you the thirty next week? I bought Milk Duds... You want a Milk Dud?"
When is this long trend going to catch on with TV? I'm waiting for half hour sitcoms to become marathons.
"Did you see The Big Bang Theory last night?"
"Are you serious? I don't have a spare hour and a half."
"Man, it was a good one. The gang lost their apartment, got it back, beat ALL of Zelda: Ocarina of Time ON CAMERA, AND lost all of their virginities with a duration of five minutes each. It was epic. Took them an hour alone to get out of the water temple. With commercials! Just amazing."

Most movies do not need to be this long at all. We don't spend this much time on other things that are interesting. People can get through a zoo in less than two and a half hours. A zoo! A place that has beautiful, exotic, live animals. We can get all that we need out of that place in about an hour.
"Huh, look at that. A rhino. Never saw that before... All right, we ready to go home?"