Nathan Macintosh

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Filtering by Category: "clothes"

6 everyday costumes that everyday people should stop wearing.

Halloween is in less than a week! Candy, horror movies, costumes. What a great time of year. Some costumes though should be put out to stud. And some costumes are worn by people every singe day, regardless of what holiday it is. This is a list of some of those costumes that need to go.

6 everyday costumes/costume pieces that should be sent into the wild.

1. The "Beard and plaid shirt" costume.
This costume could be called the '90% of white men have just given up'. Gave up years ago, and don't seem to be coming back at all. At some point, 90% of white men decided that trying to be an individual was too hard. We're all white men here, right? Basically brothers. Why don't we dress as if we're all twins and our parents think it's cute to have us together in the same clothes? Men wearing a beard, and a plaid shirt. Have you ever looked around? You're everywhere. When five white men dressed like this hang out it looks like they're part of a strange cult. A cult that for sure knows a whole lot about The Beatles and allergies.
"If I chop this log in half, the curse will be broken! Be gone, plaid shirt and beard curse! BE GONE!"

2. The "Snap back hats" costume.
This could be called the "Man, I wish I was young again" costume. Snap backs were around in the 90's, and kids wore them. Now, snap backs have come back, and the kids in the 90's who wore them have grown up, become adults, and started to wear them again. These are for children and truckers. If you're an adult, whose not a trucker, get a strap back. Strap backs are the adult snap back. If you can walk into the bank and get a loan, get a strap back. Someone shouldn't be able to come up behind you when you're signing for a condo and unsnap your hat off your head.
"Hey, Dad! Thanks for buying me this snap back! Oh, it's yours? But it goes so well with my velcro shoes."

3. The "Nike Foamposites" costume.
This costume could be called "I'll wear ANYTHING a rapper wears." These were jokes, right? Just a gag? Put in the stores by Nike to see how angry people would get at such a disgusting shoe? When they started flying off the shelves, people at Nike must have been shocked.
"People are... BUYING them? For what? To throw through our windows?... They actually like them? Wow. We charged $250. CLEARLY that was a joke! I'm completely shocked."
There are a few different kinds, but the ones that are the worst and so many people have, are the ones with the bulky, different colour way sides. These are easily the most disgusting looking shoes that have come out in the last ten years. They make your foot look like the elephant mans. He had a degenerative disease. You don't. Your only probably is that you think these are cool.


"I am the Nike Foamposite. Hear me suck."

4. The "Toms shoes without socks" costume.
This could be called the 'I care about the world but not about how bad my feet smell'. First of all, these,  Toms look like mummy's feet. They look like shoes you would be given if you were sentenced to working a field in North Korea. Yes, they are shoes that when you buy a pair a pair is given to a child in a poor country. Sure. I bet though when that child does get those shoes, they think, "Man, I wish these were Nikes. Or Adidas. I mean, I already own a pair of these. I work in a field in North Korea!"
And no socks? You know what that does to your foot. It makes it smell like you've been working non stop in a field in North Korea. So because you want to save the world, the rest of us at this party have to suffer? Also, why most times do people who want to save the world try to smell as much like it as possible? Different topic. But either way, the Toms shoes without socks costume? Time for a different one.
"I don't know who this white man is, but he must know that orange and red don't go together."

5. The "unpainted toe nails" costume. (women).
This costume here could be called 'mans foot'. If you don't paint your toe nails, you are wearing a man's foot that day. Which is fine. You are allowed to make that choice. But most men don't wear heels and a skirt to a bar. You did? Well, from the knee down, you look like a cross dresser. And most of them paint their toe nails. This costume, unless you live in the woods or a tiny town where you will marry the first person you ever kissed, or you take every piece of plastic you find and build furniture with it, needs to go.
"Hey, Sarah! You look nic... Jesus! No nail polish, huh? We're going to a dinner party, not riding in the back of an F-150. Put a shoe on at least."

6. The "Sweaters with just whatever the fuck on them" costume.
This costume could be called 'I'm really funny and you don't need to talk to me to find that out because I'm wearing a hilarious sweater with whatever the fuck on it". Yes. You're hilarious. You have a sweater with a dog sitting on a porch on it. Amazing. Don't know where you found such a hilarious item, thirty two year old man, but boy are we happy you did. Oh, yours too! The sweater with a fish inside of an icecube? Man, that fish is gonna freeze! Quick! Someone thaw him out! Sometimes these are worn ironically, other times they are worn by people who if they just learned to talk to people, wouldn't need this costume to feel comfortable. The sweater is easier to put on, though.

"Funny sweater, man! You going to a theme party or something?... Job interview. Huh. Yeah, hilarious."


The Self-Sufficient pant


I'm not sure where sweatpants are ranked in the world of pants, but no matter where that may be – they are under rated. Even if they are rated number one.
"Number one? Come on. Who voted on this? They got robbed!"
For some reason, we are made to believe that there are only two types of people who wear sweatpants. Either really athletic people, who run all the time and go to the gym, or really obese, racist people, who run to buffets and work out at the gym of hate.
"Hey, you're wearing sweatpants. Do you try to keep in shape?"
"Shape? Do I look like I try to keep in shape? You don't need to be in shape to wave the confederate flag... You're only supposed to wave it three times anyway before you break into a coughing fit... right?"

Most people look at sweatpants as gross, disgusting pants that are only worn by huge, grossly obese people who love wrestling and racist comments.
"Hey! Slam that guy onto that dirty wetback while I drink forty-two ounces of Coke and crush these chili dogs! Ahhh! I think my heart just got put in a Sharpshooter! Ahhh!"

People also think of sweatpants as pants worn by personal trainers who haven't had an ounce of sugar in four years.
"I operate on a level of two percent body fat. If I reach anything higher or lower, I die. I also throw up pretty consistently when training people like you. What is your body fat level? Forty-two percent? Jesus... I can barely... stand... here... (<throws up>)."
"Do you have to throw up on the treadmill? I was going to run on that."
"You... run? (<throws up>)."

Everyone has a pair of sweatpants. Or at least they should. If you don't, here are some reasons why you might want to re-think that.

Sweatpants are amazing for long flights. You spend thirteen hours in a flying bus, pretty much stuck in a seat that a Chihuahua would feel claustrophobic in, there's someone always on an intercom telling you what you can and cannot do, so is this the time to get out clothes that are restricting?
"Honey, where's my tie? I'm about to get into a box and I want to look my best."
"Really? Are you dying? I know I'm going to die if I have to wait another day for you to fix the sink."
"Look, the water drains, okay? Just get off of my back. I'm flying and I want to be as uncomfortable as possible!"
"Uncomfortable? Why didn't you tell me? I'd love to help with that."
"Why are we still married?! This feels like the seat I'm about to sit in for half a day!"
If you are flying for a long time, you can try to look your best, but your face will look its worst half way through.
"Sir! Are you okay? From the neck down you look as though you are about to tackle a meeting. From the neck up you look like you are about to tackle a bed after drinking whiskey."
"Huh? Yeah. This flight is really hurting my fa... Really? You think I'll crush this meeting?"
"Sure. Just lead with your suit. Put your jacket over your head."

Sweatpants are also amazing for sitting at home. There is no reason to wear anything else in your house. Walking from room to room. Making food. Watching TV. What else would there be to wear in this situation?
"Man, I can't make chicken. My velour suit is filthy! Well, I guess I'm not eating."
Unless someone is coming over, there's no reason to have anything else on. And what if that person comes over in sweatpants!
"Hey, man. How are you?"
"I was good a minute ago when I thought we were hanging out. I wore sweatpants!"
"We're hanging out. What are you talking about?"
"What am I talking about? You're wearing jeans, man. Jeans! How can you really sink into a chair and enjoy Left 4 Dead in denim?"
"I was thinking about sitting erect."
"...I have never been so offended."

We have the ability right now to be comfortable when we want to be. We should take advantage of this as much as possible. Not a lot of other times in history has that been a thing. Pioneers, I bet, would have loved some sweatpants. After a long day of cutting down trees, hunting for food, building the place where they would sleep in. Do they really want to sit around a fire, drinking moonshine, wearing wool pants?
"Victor, you really shoed that horse properly today."
"Thank you. He kicked me half a dozen times, but I'm a man, and men at this point in history do not complain. Time to relax. We only have two hours until we have to get up and do it all again."
"Yes. I really wish I had something comfortable to sit in. After sixteen straight hours of work, these wool pants really do feel awful."
"Is that complaining I hear? Are you not a man?"

You can even use sweatpants to hold things. Hold things such as computers. Weird? Yes. I, though, for years, used sweatpants to wrap my laptop when I traveled. Why? Not sure. I didn't want to buy a computer case. So I didn't. I wrapped my computer in sweatpants, which was great for two reasons. One, my computer was safe. Two, I would have sweatpants when I got to wherever I was going.
"Huh, my computer still hasn't broken AND I have comfortable pants that wouldn't have fit in my luggage. Can people wear THEIR computer sleeves when they're are not holding a computer? I think not."

Sweatpants can also be tapered. Does anyone know how great this is? Tapering? So you don't walk on them? So that they don't fall down? It's great! You can't really have this on any other pants. I've seen them on jeans, but it looks strange.
"Why do your jeans hug your ankles like that?"
"Oh, they're tapered."
"... Are you going to run in your jeans?"
"What.?"
"Tapered pants are usually only tapered for athletic activities."
"Oh. Well. I did not know that."

Sweatpants are also pretty much the only pants that don't need a belt. They are a self-sufficient pant. Elastic waist, or better yet – a string you can tighten. They can be worn as soon as you get them. When you buy sweatpants, you are given everything you need with them. Regular pants are really no good without the accessory.
"Well, I just bought some pants. Now to put them on. Damn! I forgot to buy the other thing that is mandatory to have with these. I can't put a piece of string around my waist. People will think I'm crazy! If only it were socially acceptable to wear sweatpants to a funeral. Well, I guess I'll just have to pull my jacket down far, and keep my hands in my pockets so these pants don't fall down. Sorry, uncle Jerry. I tried."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh
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