Filtering by Category: "Steve Jobs"

I'm hated by real people, but how am I doing online?

The online world is more important to people than the real world. Nobody cares about how they are perceived in reality anymore. People just want to know that online they are killing it. That they are being heard and seen. Even if their actual friends are willing to listen to them, they want to know that people care online.
"I'll listen to you tell that story of how the bus driver wronged you in some way."
"Yeah, but who the hell are you? You're just a friend I've had for ten years. Your opinion is not a strangers opinion. Sorry, but I'll pass. Hey, selfie! I want fake friends to know that I have actual friends. Stop looking like we're not friends! We're having the best time."
The real world is becoming less and less important to people, while the online world keeps becoming more and more so.

People seem to be fine with how things are going in their actual life. Credit scores, debts, unpaid bills don't matter. What matters is how you appear online. How am I doing there?
"Can't pay rent. Lost my job. But yo, that picture I put up? People love it!"
BANG BANG BANG
"Hey, your rent is due! It's a month late!"
"... Oh, good. That came from the door and not my computer. I thought I was being kicked off the internet. How could I check out all the likes on this picture!?"
"That's it! You're evicted!"
"Oh, god. Just let me send out this tweet! 'Just got evicted. #MyLandLordIsADick #StartedFromTheBottom
Someone calls you a stupid idiot in the street? That's not true. You have twenty five likes on your  clever status update!
"Who cares what these losers in reality are saying? Whatever. I'm not stupid. Twenty five people I don't care about liked my witty comment. I'm smart as hell today!"

You can tell people care more because they're way more upset when things don't get likes on line than in real life. They'll put it up, and keep checking to see if anyone liked it or commented on it.
"Remember that thing I said a minute ago about how I think the waiter is too slow and the clever analogy I came up with about it? Yeah. No one online liked it."
"I liked it! It was hilarious. Those people are stupid."
"Don't call my followers stupid! They mean everything to me! EVERYTHING!"
Nobody cares if real people don't like something. You don't like someone's shirt? Whatever. They'll probably take a picture of it and put it online to see what other people think to prove you wrong.
"You don't like these earrings? You're dumb. I'll post them. Oh, look! Jessica already liked them. Oh! And Steve just said, 'I'd love to see those on my floor while I'm hitting that from behind.' See. You're dumb. These earrings are great."

People are so upset when things DON'T get 'likes'. Likes! And retweets. That's all anyone is after anymore. People can't even just enjoy a meal anymore without putting up a picture of it. And I bet it just doesn't taste as good if people don't 'like' it.
"Oh, man. Nobody likes this filet mignon I ordered. Ah, boy. Excuse me, could you pack this up and then throw it directly into the garbage? It didn't get ONE like or retweet. I can't eat it."

People spend tons of time creating their online persona, too. Is everyone really as busy as they try to make themselves out to be? Is EVERYONE Richard Branson? People are never not on their phone. Never not posting video. Never not tweeting or commenting. Never not texting. Who are you talking to? You hand out menu's at Denny's. How the hell can you have this hectic a schedule?
"Oh, god. Sorry. Just got another text from the night manager. She can't find which page the greek salad is on. I know, right? Page four. I've told her so many times. Okay, what were you saying about your cancer? Oh, god. Another text. Now she doesn't know which page the desserts are on. I swear, this woman. Go on. You've got cancer, don't know how much time you have. I'm listening. Go."


You can get jobs in the real world based on the amount of followers and friends you have in the online world. Actual jobs. That wouldn't work the other way around.
"Okay. How many friends do you have?"
"Ummm. I don't know. Like twenty two?"
"Only twenty two? Are you serious? What are you some kind of loser? You touch kids? We can't have you working here. We need someone with thousands of friends. Millions even!"
"How can someone have millions of friends?"
"I don't know, kid toucher. You'll sure as hell never know. Now please leave my office. I have to post to my millions of friends that a creepy kid toucher was just here."

People on online sites get so angry about other peoples personas and what they put up. Nobody likes anything else anyone is saying.
"I don't want to see pictures of your kids. I don't want to hear your thoughts on Syria. I don't want to see pictures of your food. I don't care that you like chocolate. I don't want to be invited to play games. I don't care about these memes. I don't want to know you're dog is doing okay. I don't care about your relationship status. I don't want to see pictures of you at the park."
Then you don't want to be on facebook! Stop complaining about it and shut it down. 

People love the people who created the stuff that allows us to constantly be adding to our online persona's, too. The late and powerful Jobs. People would dig him up and blow him.
"I sucked it! I sucked the oracles penis! Give me a free iPhone! I sucked it!"
Why? Because he was apart of making something that now you can never put down? Something you'd rather puke than leave your house with?
"But now because of Jobs, my phone does things that it couldn't before. I can check into places. I can record concerts that I'm at and watch them later which I'll never do. I can stop talking to the boring piece of trash in front of me and just randomly scroll through things that I don't even know why I'm scrolling through. It's amazing!"

It's amazing that most of us can do whatever we want, but we really just want to waste time seeing what other people are doing online. That's what most of the online world is about. What is that guy doing? How much money is that girl making? Just dumb, crazy, useless stuff. Our actual personas should be taken more seriously. Who cares what that person is doing? What are YOU doing? Checking your phone and email and other junk? Yeah, they probably are too.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Steve Jobs.


When Steve Jobs died, I thought, "Oh, that's interesting. I had no idea that was coming." Then I watched TV coverage and saw that people were crying and putting up shrines. Shrines! I then thought, "Did I miss the great music that Steve had put out? Are there some really heartfelt songs sung by him that I should have heard?"
"Oh my God! I can't believe he's gone! I loved his song "Charge It Up". Miss you, Steve!"
But no. No songs.

Steve Jobs died and everyone freaked out.
"He's gone?! But I haven't MET him yet!"
When he died, everyone talked about him and his face was everywhere.
"Did you hear about Steve Jobs?"
"You mean that guy? The man whose picture is fifty feet tall and everywhere?"
"Yeah! Have you heard?"
Before that? I never heard anyone talk about him. Before he died, I was never in a situation where somebody talked about how great Steve Jobs was.
"Do you understand how unbelievable Steve Jobs is?"
"Who? The Mac guy?"
"The Mac guy? Do you have any respect at all?! He designed the Mac!"
"...Yeah, I know. That's why I said the Mac g..."
"He DESIGNED the MAC! God, what's wrong with you? Can you at least turn up my Steve Jobs machine so I can hear my music from Steve JobsTunes?"
 
Watching the news coverage, you would have thought another war was breaking out.
"Why are these guys crying in front of the Apple store?"
"I don't know. But I can only assume that it's because Apple has declared war on Windows. There will be a lot of genius casualties in this one."
I couldn't believe that people put shrines out infront of Apple stores. Shrines? For a man who designed a device? That seems far. People wouldn't even put up shrines for their own parents. Your own mom would barely get a good eulogy, but you have to take those flowers down to the Apple store and put them outside.
"Oh, Steve. You were great. Thank you for allowing me to not carry CDs anymore. I can now listen to Ginuwine’s entire catalogue with comfort and ease."
"Those flowers say: "God Bless You, Mom".
"Umm, yeah, well, I'm sure God will get the message either way. These are for Steve now!"
 
People put shrines out infront of stores that he didn't even work at! He wasn't a cashier at these places.
"Excuse me, Genius? What was Steve like? Did you work with him yesterday?"
"I have actually never met the man."
"Oh, you guys worked different hours, huh? I see."
 
If someone ever cures cancer, that guy won't get shrines the way that Steve Jobs did. That man wouldn't get this kind of respect.
"Ladies and gentleman, I would like to let you know that I have found a cure for cancer! Your families, loved ones, and future generations will not have to worry about this horrible disease anymore!"
"Whatever, man! Did you help Steve Jobs?"
"..Um, yes. He is no..."
"Shut up! Where is Steve?! We want to hear from Steve!"
"He, um, he's still recovering from the..."
"Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve! He's more important than you! All you did was make it possible for my mom to live longer. Steve made it possible for me to take a picture of her and turn it into a cartoon! Steve! Steve! Steve!"
 
There were a lot of pictures shown of Steve Jobs at the time, most of them pretty similar. A lot of him looking at a camera, while wearing his trademark black turtleneck and white shoes, with a look on his face that almost said,
"Yes. This is what the leader looks like. Don't I kinda look like Jeff Goldblum without hair?"
It's funny that if you design technology, you can wear the same thing all the time. The world lets you get away with it.
"Hasn't he been wearing those sandals and overalls for two straight weeks?"
"Yeah, but he is building a rocket out of pop cans."
"Ooohhh. He's a genius. Good for him."
No one else can get away with wearing the same thing all the time. If you read about a murderer who always wore the same thing – that would totally make sense to you.
"Yeah, he ALWAYS had on white shoes and a black turtleneck. I can completely believe that there are seventy-five women stacked in this closet. I mean, he had the room in there. There are no clothes! Right?! Haha... too soon?"
 
Also, there were way too many young people in front of these stores crying. Look, if you didn't have to deal with dial-up, you have no business crying about Steve Jobs. People who heard dial-up should be crying that a man who helped take us far away from that terrible noise is no longer with us.
"I can't believe he's gone... I can still hear my son booting up his computer to slowly search porn sites that don't actually give you any movies for free. BAAAAHHHHH, BEDO, BEDO, BEDO! Just terrible. It went off even when the sound wasn't on your computer! What the hell was wrong with that demon sound!"
 
People crying I don't understand. You paid tons of money for these products. He was handsomely rewarded for his work. HANDSOMELY. To work five months to save up for something you really don't need, then cry when the man who designed it dies? I could see maybe if you stole it.
"I left the store with an iPad in my jeans by accident! When I went home, used it for three weeks, found out that I loved it and should pay for it, I came back with the money and you were dead! Not fair, world! Someone put this money in his grave! PUT IT IN HIS GRAVE!"
 
Can we be honest here? Steve Jobs really created a reality where no one can now have empty hands. People just can't do it! Have to be holding something. If it's not the iPhone, it's the iPad. Not the iPad? How about an iPod? If it's none of these, it's a charger in both hands – running around trying to find these things.
"Come on iEverything, where are you?! I can't go outside without music, I can't even open the door without checking the weather on my iPhone, and how the hell can I sit on the train without playing a game on my iPad?! My hands are starting to rela... No! No!"
  
Steve Jobs helped create annoying things and take people out of the moment. He didn't set out to do that, obviously. That would be Dr. Robotnik evil.
“I will create a device that makes it so people never truly enjoy a moment again! Haha! Then, I will destroy Sonic and his friend Knuckles!”
He didn't set out to do it, but he did aid this process. There are no moments anymore. Nobody is truly anywhere that they actually are. Not in North America, anyway.
"That was funny! I have to take a picture of it, tweet it to people, and let them know!"
"Why can't you just enjoy it here and now?"
"Ugh, God. What are you? From 2004? I'm texting someone right now to let them know you're an idiot."
 
Steve Jobs also gave us no time to even enjoy the products that he put out. When something came out, people would run out and buy it – and on the receipt for what they had bought, there would be an ad for the newest version coming out.
"Thanks so much! I can't wait to use this! Wait, what's this on my receipt?"
"Oh, that's an ad for the newer version of what have just bought! Comes out tomorrow! Yours will be useless!
"But... I just bought it. It just came out."
"It did... a full month ago. It's old school now! You can tell people you’re old school."
"Sir, your school is so old, Dee Snider is in grade two there."

Do people always cry when someone who makes a popular device dies? Did people cry when Philo Farsworth – who invented the TV – died? I bet not. Anyone cry in their powdered wig when Thomas Edison died?
"Hey! Have you heard that Thomas Edison died?"
"The man who made it possible for me to see you in my house at night without lighting a candle or an oil lamp?"
"Yes! That one!"
"Hmmm. Damn shame. Can you turn that light off when you leave? My power bill is going to be as big as the buckles on my shoes."

Steve Jobs was Chief Executive of Pixar Animation Studios. He was also a member of the board of directors for Walt Disney, a philanthropist, and he was raised by a single mother. All of this is great to me, and Steve Jobs has obviously done some amazing things. I just don't think anyone should be worshipped this way. We all already worship the devices he put in our hands.
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