5 Reasons Piers Morgan Should Be President

Awhile ago, a petition was started to have Piers Morgan deported from America. One hundred thousand people signed it. Of course online petitions don't mean anything, but it's very telling. I would like to go the other way. Not only should he not be deported, he should be the President. Here are some reasons.

"5 Reasons Piers Morgan should be President of the United States"

1. Piers Morgan is not American. Americans hate the American ones.

People complain about every President that has ever been. What's the one thing all the Presidents of the United States have in common? Other than being men. They're all American. That's it. It used to be that they were all white. Not anymore. The one thing is that every single President of the United States has been American. And they have ALL been hated. Maybe some more than others, but every President has large groups of people that hate them. I guess we won't find out if it's because they're American until Piers Morgan is made President.

"It says here that he's American? I hate him already."

2. Piers Morgan is against guns.

That seems like it would be a bad thing in America. A President who was against guns in a nation that is for guns and will kill a President with a gun if he tries to take their guns? Not a good stance to take. Sure, but it's the right one. More guns means more shootings. Why? Because guns only function is too shoot and kill things. If more of them were around, more of that would happen. If every single person had a pen would more writing get done? Exactly. We'd all like to live in an old Western where women can be grabbed, racist comments can be made and card games are stopped because a rough and tumble doggie pulls his gun, resulting in everyone pulling their guns. Doesn't that sound great? Well, grab your time machine. It's not going to happen.

"Why do you need the Hello Kitty gun? Because the Hello Kitty gun doesn't shoot bullets. It shoots fun and entertainment for the whole family! ... Just kidding. This bitch'll kill you.... with bullets."

3. Piers Morgan has a television show. 

George Bush didn't have a television show. Neither did Barack Obama. We had to get to know them. Not the same with Piers. He has had a television show for the last three years. You know what you're getting. You're getting a man with an accent who likes to talk to people. It took eight years to figure out what you were getting from Bush, and we finally did: A man who does a great impression of Will Ferrel doing a great impression of him. Took four years until we found out that Barack is apparently Hitler. With Piers, day one, you know what's up. He's not Hitler. He's not doing a Will Ferrel impression. He's asking questions, with an accent.

"Can YOUR President sell meant cologne? ... Would you like him more if he did? ... I'm shirtless."

4. People say America has problems. Piers Morgan is from outside the problem.

If your car had a problem, how would you try to fix it? By sitting in the car and trying to reach through the windshield to the engine? No. By getting out of the car and taking a look. America is that car. Piers is that stranger outside of it who can take a look. Every other President has come from within the car. They've come from within the car and lo and behold, they can't fix the problems with it. A mechanic doesn't attack the transmission from the glove box. He attacks it from the outside. You get it.

"I'm going to will the car to stop smoking with my mind.... I think it's working."

5. Piers Morgan has an accent.
Some of the best Presidents of all time have had accents. Bill Clinton has an accent. John F. Kennedy had an accent. George Washington probably spoke with at least a lisp or cool whistle or something. You want a good President? Find one with an accent. Who has an accent? British people. Who is a British person? Piers Morgan. The world loves accents. How cool is it when Jason Statham talks? Now picture him not as cool and not able to fight. Still sweet, right? Exactly. Piers Morgan.

"I'll be the first British President! No, it's British. Not Australian. First rule I'll make is anyone who can't tell the difference is banned."

The first Obama/Romney debate.

The presidential debates have started. The time when the president has to take time out of running a country to debate a man who wants to take his place. I do not watch reality. I watch these. These are the best reality shows there are. Why? It's because the votes here are for all the marbles, unlike other shows where you vote to see who will win a singing contest or who will eat a June bug.

"Man, I HATE Jason. I'm gonna vote twice for him to have to drink battery acid. That'll teach you, you 'I-love-my-wife-and-kids' piece of trash! Take that family-loving-shit to the OWN network!"

I watched the first debate the other night and here are some of my thoughts on it.

My first thought was – did Mitt have a bet with someone that he could say 'middle class' more times than George Bush said 'freedom'?

"Hey, how many times did Bush say 'freedom' during his presidency?"

"Jesus, I don't know. It'd be easier to tell you how many M&M's are in a gallon jug. Millions?"

"Huh. I bet you I can beat that."

"Sorry, what?"

"I can say 'middle class' more times than he said 'freedom'. Wanna bet pink slips?"

"...Mitt, Jesus... why? This isn't The Fast and the Furious. Plus, middle class people get offended when you say middle class. You have maids, Mitt! Maids! Your name is Mitt! You don't have any idea about the middle class! Your first name is Willard!"

"Hell, middle class. I love middle class more than I love middle class. Middle class? Middle class, middle class. Middle!"

"Mitt, please, tell me you're getting those out now before this debate begins."

"I'd middle love class to, but I'm middle just getting class started."

Everyone has been talking about Barack not really showing up. Barack did act as if he wasn't focused, or at least as though he was tired. Nobody brought up the fact that it was his twentieth anniversary of his marriage to Michelle, though. Michelle and Barack seem to be crazy in love. He was probably tired because he was up all night.

"Michelle, I'd... love to have sex... with you... one more time. But... as you know... I... have a presidential debate... ah,... tomorrow. So... in the best interest of that... annnnd to take my opponent seriously... I believe... I should... drink some water... annnnd get some sleep. I hope that... on our twentieth anniversary... that making love nineteen... ah, times... will suffice."

"Barack, Mitt isn't a problem. Come back to bed."

"Well, it seems as though... new facts... have ahhh, come to light. And with these... new developments, I will, ahhh, get back into bed... annnnd deliver... on this twentieth time."

It had to have something to do with their anniversary. Either having sex or arguing all night about the date it fell on.

"Michelle, now I know... we've been married... for twenty years. Annnd as much as I... would love to take you to dinner... oooor a show... I have... a very important debate... to attend."

"I can't believe this, Barack! We only have one twentieth year anniversary. One! How can you spend it arguing with a soulless white man on national TV!?"

"Michelle... now you know... I love you... annnd the twenty years... we've spent together. But... I have to debate... this soulless man. I have to... be wide awake... annnnd alert. Can we possibly... talk about this... ah... tomorrow?"

"Oh, no, Barack. We canNOT talk about this tomorrow. We will talk about it right now! I don't care if you look like you had a twelve-hour lay over in Dubai! We're gonna talk this out NOW!"

Also, during the debate, why do the debaters not directly address each other? Why? Out of respect? Isn't it much more respectful to address the person you are talking about if they are in the room, much less standing next to you, AND you are debating them?

"Under the president's policies, we are floundering."

"What do you mean 'under the president's policies'? I'm right here! Look me in the face and say, 'Because of YOUR policies. I ain't in the next room. Say it to my face, Mitt!"

Why not address each other? It would be ridiculous if they did this in any other part of their lives.

"Dinner's ready!"

"Well, because of my wife's cooking, the pot roast is burnt. I just don't think her recipe for such a dish is up to par with others on the market."

"I'm in the kitchen with you, Mitt! Can you not just address me? I can't stand this anymore! I know you are getting ready for your debate, but talk to me when you're talking to me! And last night's, 'I just don't think my wife's sexual intercourse is as much on her mind as the families laundry' is not cute. You know we wear clothes once and then throw them in the trash, pouring gasoline on them so that disgusting poor people can't reuse them, Mitt. You know that!"

Once the debate was over, people freaked out about both men lying.

"He lied this many times!"

"Yeah, well, YOUR guy lied this many times!"

As if that's supposed to be something. They're both not going to tell the full truth! That is how this whole thing is done. They can't just be up there telling you everything. That wouldn't be a presidential debate. It would be an episode of Jersey Shore.

"Governor Romney, what are your views on the poor?"

"Poor? 'BEEP' the poor! Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, that is if you have any, you broke pieces of trash. Jesus, is it THAT 'BEEP'ing hard to make two hundred million dollars? The only time I let poor people around me is when I'm paying my 'BEEP'ing gardener, and even then I tell him to go to the end of the driveway, and I shoot his cheque at him from a t-shirt gun. Poor. Please. Get the 'BEEP' out of here."

Personally, I love some of the lies. Especially the stories that each man told about poor, sad women running up to them. They were just these ridiculously sad stories of downtrodden people who came up to them to get the crowd on their side.

"Just yesterday, a woman grabbed my arm and said, 'I have cancer in all of my arms, both of my hands are mechanical, and I am currently on fire. Can you help me?' And the answer is yes, I can help, if I become president. Stay alive long enough to vote and I'll throw some water."

If these actually do happen, why only tell the sad stories? People must not always have sad things to say when they come up to presidential candidates.

"Just yesterday, a woman grabbed my arm and said, 'Hey, there's something in your teeth'. It's that kind of everyone-looking-out-for-everyone America that I want to live in. Vote for me and we'll ALL know when there are things in our teeth."

One thing about the debates that is crazy to me is the fact that they will cut off a third of the president and his opponent onscreen to show you jokes that people have tweeted. Are you serious? Tweets! Over the lower half of a man who is in charge of America and trying to tell you how he is going to run the country for the next four years.

"Let's talk about taxes here for a second. First, I think we need to... wait... what the hell is this? Are you cutting me off to show the tweet of someone from Idaho who's saying that he thinks this debate is less entertaining than a re-run of Captain Planet? What the hell are we doing here! I'm the damn president! I have to deal with this garbage. Am I a 

Kardashian? Is this 'Dancing with the Presidential Debaters'? No! Treat us with some kind of respect!"

In a country that would do this, who cares who is in control? Give it to Romney. Give it to a dishwasher or a Wendy's drive-thru employee. Give it to a tweeter! Funniest tweet about the debater's ties gets you the position of leader of the free world!

"Oh, look at this! Someone made a joke about how this debate is scarier than the movie Paranormal Activity! Why do we show this? It's because this whole damn thing is a joke anyway! Congrats to @wheresmycheerios, you're now in the most powerful position on the planet! Retweet with the hashtag #wanttolendusmoney to help lower the deficit."

Showing tweets during a presidential debate. I bet they wouldn't do that if it were the head of Apple and the head of Samsung debating.

"Are you kidding me? I don't care what @heartcats has to say about the Galaxy 3! Men are talking! This is very important! Whoever wins this debate will determine who – in my circle of friends and thusly me – are complete losers. Go, head of the company whose phone I bought!"

I know that it's fair, but it's funny to me that they decide who speaks first in a presidential debate the same way they determine who goes first in a rap battle. A coin toss. A coin toss to see who speaks first in a debate to see who will be leader of the free world. Who does that coin toss?

"All right, we're gonna do a coin toss to see who will call the other man gay in rhyme form a million times first."

"...What? That's not gonna happen here. This is a presidential debate!"

"Oh, right! Wrong event. I'm doing a coin toss across town at a rap battle after this. Okay, so which one of you fruits wants to call it?"

This is a big deal, so this coin is probably thoroughly inspected. Where does it come from? Is it brand new? It can't just be one from somebody's pocket?

"Coin toss? All right. Let me see what I have here. I've got a nickel from 1984. Will that do?"

"No, no. We need a quarter. I have one right here."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. A Romney quarter? That's not fair. We need a quarter that neither candidate has touched. What about the moderator?"

"NOPE."

"Fine, I'll call the mint and get them to print a fresh one. But this is ridiculous. I have a nickel right here."

"Drop the nickel, okay?! Just drop it!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh