Commercials are still here.

This is about commercials. Am I joking? Is it actually about something else and I told you it was a hard-hitting exposé on commercials to get you tuned in? Nope. It's about commercials. We all have to deal with these, as they are everywhere. You can't avoid them. Only place you can look to not see a commercial is in the sky, and I'm sure one day they'll have them playing up there like the Bat-Signal.

"Commissioner Gordon! You're trying to get ahold of Batman?"

"No. I'm showing Gotham how they can save money on their car insurance by switching to Geico."

During the Super Bowl, there were commercials that were about two minutes long. Over two minutes long. Over? There's no reason for a commercial to be this long. Why do we have to make commercials that are on their way to being as long as sitcoms? There's no reason for this. When would a commercial ever need to be this long?

"You know, I have no problem buying Coca Cola, I just wouldn't mind knowing a little bit more about it."

"Yeah, right? Like, who are the people who drink it? What do they do in their spare time? WHERE am I supposed to drink this? Concerts? Watching TV? At the beach?"

"Yeah. If only the commercials for it would let me know. Ah, screw it. I'm not buying it."

Commercials should never be over thirty seconds. There's just no reason for it. Movie trailers are longer than thirty seconds because they are trying to get us to go see something that is over an hour and a half long. Is this commercial a trailer for this product? Are we supposed to treat it like a movie release?

"What do you do when they're surrounding you? Who do you turn to when there's no one else to turn to? Who do you trust, when you can't trust anyone? Is this real? Are you real? Are they listening? Who are they? More importantly, who are you? ...This summer – Tide To Go Pens. Trust no stains."

"Honey! Tide To Go Pens are coming out this summer! You want to go wait in line now?"

For some reason, instead of commercials simply selling a product, they decided to tell us a story. A lot of the stories that are put into commercials now have almost nothing related to the product at all.

"It was winter, 1987. Jim had just poured himself a hot chocolate while waiting for his friends to come over. You're just like, Jim. You like hot chocolate, and you like friends. They finally arrived and watched A Fish Called Wanda. What a night it was. It was the first night that Jim met Sarah, but definitely not the last. Where did Jim's story end up? Let's just say, there's a little hot chocolate drinker running around somewhere now... Fritos. Grab a bag and fall in love."

Why must a lot of commercials be so elusive? Long stories that have short, grainy glimpses of what the product actually is. So you have to sit and decipher what is being said. Five minutes of skateboarding and you might think, "Huh. A commercial for skateboarding. Well, it's kinda dangerous, and I'm in my mid thirties, but I can give it a shot," only to find out that the commercial was actually for something that was faded out in the background.

"What? This commercial for skateboarding is actually about Post-it Notes? Why is there a commercial for Post-it Notes? We know that they're out there! And how are skateboarding and Post-it Notes connected?

Old Spice commercials have been copied almost completely by just about every company and directed towards men. Gillette, Hanes, Dr. Pepper. Commercials trying hilariously to play to our man side.

"You're a man, within a man, who's trying to break out of a man's body. Is that too much man? Of course not! How can there possibly be too much man? Women want a man who's also a man while being a man's man. Men love men who become men at the sight of a full men-oon while drinking Man-garitas. You've men-volved into a co-men-dable man who mans it up even on Mother's Day, which you have renamed 'Woman Who Had A Man Day'. Mountain Dew. Drink a man!"

Just about every commercial tries to be funny. Even commercials for scooters for the elderly have a tinge of humor in them.

"Are you old? Can't walk? How about drive! Attach this baby to the wall and float up your stairs like a ghost before you die and actually do it on the new 'Scoot-Scoot-Scooter'! This product is endorsed by Phil Collins."

The only commercials that are not trying to be funny are commercials that are telling you that starving people in Africa need money. Don't they know that humor sells?

"He's starving. Like starving-starving. Not like 'Hey, I've been drinking all night and could really use a pizza' starving, like 'Hey, I haven't drank in weeks and I don't know what a pizza is' starving. While you were busy trying to beat your high score on Angry Birds, he was busy mustering up enough energy to make it through another day. Send him a dollar, you idiot. What are you going to do with it? Buy another girl who doesn't want to have sex with you a drink? Feed a kid. Suck it."

When watching TV, commercials can be skipped if you have certain televisions. You can fast forward through them. It's pretty great if you really don't feel like seeing that Cheez Whiz commercial.

"All right, time to fast forward through this."

"Don't skip that! What if they've added something new? Like Chipotle Cheez Whiz? Or Pop Rock Ranch Whiz?"

"...Would you really eat either one of those?"

"...You're right."

Online, though, some commercials cannot be skipped. Watching a video on YouTube? Some will allow you to skip after a few seconds. Some, though, you just have to deal with. A minute and a half of a Honda commercial to get to a thirty-second video.

"How can a car commercial be longer than a video of a man being hit by a car? Oh. That's how."

A lot of car commercials boggle me as it is. Ford has commercials that show you if you wanted to drive a truck up Fire Mountain, you could. 

Why? Why in the hell would anyone drive up a mountain while having fire shot at him or her?

"I'm not sure why the only store in town that sells Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia is atop Mount Flame, but I do love that damn ice cream. Glad I have a Ford and not some other car that was not built to withstand ridiculously high temperatures for no reason."

Car commercials also like to show you where the car can go. Just shots of the car in places around town and the world, as if certain cars can only drive to certain places.

"Whoa! Look at the new Hyundai Sonata! It can drive downtown, to the beach, to the mall. It can even fit my friends inside of it! Wait, that's the end of the commercial? It didn't show it at the Knicks' game. I have tickets this weekend! Close but no cigar, Sonata. I'm a Knicks fan."

Twitter@nathanmacintosh

If you're between fourteen and twenty five, the world is for you.

I have gotten mad over the years about remakes of movies and music. I just can't help but get angry. Sometimes I stop dead in the middle of a theatre hallway, almost dropping my popcorn, staring at a poster for a movie that I know came out when I was a kid. Have I gone back in time? Was there a portal I stepped through at the ticket ripping station?

"Ticket, sir... your movie is right through this swirling vortex and to the right. You might want to leave your watch here. The vortex doesn't treat them nice."

Nope. It's a poster for a remake. A remake of a very popular movie. Why remake a movie that was good in the first place?

"Let's remake Total Recall."

"Why? The first one was great. Shouldn't we remake a movie that flopped? Let's take a second crack at The Love Guru."

"Ugh. Why? I hated that movie."

"Exactly!"

I realized, though, there is nothing to be mad at. If I live long enough, I'll see this happen three or four times. That's how it seems to be. Everything that was once popular just keeps getting made. Movies, music, clothing. All of it.

Everything that was once popular gets recycled so that fourteen to twenty five year olds can be entertained. Everyone in that age group seems to be entertained by the same things. The same way that babies are. You know how it was figured out years ago that a rattle would keep a baby entertained, therefore we kept making the rattle and parents kept buying the rattle? Same idea. We figured out musically and movie wise what would keep fourteen to twenty five years olds entertained as well, and we keep using it, just changing the packaging a bit.

"Quick! This fifteen year old is getting bored. What can we do?!"

"Well, when I was fifteen and bored, I listened to Madonna."

"Hmmm, it's good stuff, but Madonna looks like the woman that cleaned my hotel room. Anyone younger doing something similar?"

"Yeah, actually!  Lady Gaga."

"Woa. La..dy...Ga...Ga. Huh. Sounds younger. No more super pouty fifteen year old! Now just pouty."

Right now, Justin Bieber is massive, but he's been here before. In the nineties his equivalent for people between fourteen and twenty-five was the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync. In the eighties, it was Debbie Gibson and Tiffany. It's all the same. Backstreet Boys now would be considered old men to the new generation. One day, though, that'll be the same with Justin Bieber.

"Hey, kids! You want to go see Justin Bieber this weekend?"

"Wow, Dad. What is he, like, thirty-eight now? It's 2034. He's probably had hip replacements. Why don't you just take us to the Carousel of Progress?"

"...That was gonna be my second option. (<Looks at himself in the rearview mirror>) You thought you were a cool dad, huh? You're a damn failure!"

Basically the same artists come along every couple of years. Right down to the look. Bieber wore overalls with one strap hanging down. Do we remember just about every RnB singer with that album cover from the nineties? It was almost a prerequisite.

"Okay. You've got the look, the voice and the music. But something just isn't quite right... I got it! You don't have your obligatory 'overall, one strap down while looking off into the distance' album cover! It says, 'I'm good with my hands AND what I got downstairs'."

"But I wear suits. I don't think that look will work for me."

"Do you want to look sexy and dangerous? Do you want to survive the nineties? One strap down, bud."

The only thing that gets said now is that the 'new' people took what the older generation did and reinvented it.

"This new generation of pop stars have really reinvented the genre."

Reinvented it? What does that mean? They made new instruments and sounds? They found a new way for ears to hear things? They sing in a way that no one has sung before?

"I can't use these instruments to make this music. EVERYONE uses these."

"What do you suggest?"

"Hmmm. Boil down this guitar, drum sets, saxophone and piano together. Let the rubble cool down, and then freeze it for two weeks. Let it thaw out and THAT'S the instrument I'll use."

"But I just bought this guitar."

"Boil it!"

Even ads are for the thirteen to twenty-five market. If the ad isn't, the ad is telling an older person how they can and should be younger.

"Remember when you were nineteen? Well, so does Oil of Olay. You grew up, but that can change. Your face doesn't have to look like a trucker's back. Now, we have invented a cream that tells Father Time to suck it, and brings youth back to that old hacky sack with lips you carry around on your head. Oil Of Olay, your age is gross."

The only ads for older people are about not being able to get to the bathroom or retirement.

"Hey. Are you old? Almost dead? Can you feel the Grim Reaper in the room with you at all times, just waiting for you to make a mistake at the top of the basement stairs? Scary, huh? Though, not nearly as scary as what you'll do ten years from now if you don't have any money! Here at Citibank, we want to make sure that if the Grim Reaper is watching you, it's while you're buying drinks in Miami for younger women. Who knows. Maybe he'll wing man? Invest with Citibank. Pass with cash."

Right now, it's the coolest thing in the world for people under twenty-five to dress the way that people my age did in the nineties. High top fades, t-shirts with Steve Urkel on them, high top sneakers. Basically, the wardrobe that was used for Do The Right Thing and White Men Can't Jump has been copied thousands of times and sent back out to people. 

The best part is, people who are that age think you're a loser if you don't wear it now.

"Oh, a fitted hat? Naw, man. We do snapbacks over here."

"Yeah, I wore those already. When I was a kid. In the nineties. They came out for us. Matter of fact, you're wearing a hat I had in grade three! That's my hat!"

"I bought this "

"No. That stuff was made for me already. I already did it!"

If you have a younger brother or sister, clothes and toys are passed down to them. It's as if the world is doing that with music and movies. Pop culture is 'hand me down'.

"Hey, don't throw out that movie idea. What, you're the ONLY group of fourteen to twenty five year olds that gets to see Top Gun? Not all of them have seen it yet. They're still being born! When you're done with it, make a newer one for the next generation."
"Ah, man, couldn't they just watch the old Top Gun?"
"Look, they need actors in it they can relate to. Did YOU want to watch and old Top Gun? Would you have watched Top Gun if it starred Charleton Heston?"
"... No, ma'am."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

The Kobe Success Commercial

Commercials are a necessary evil, and are everywhere. Commercials have the ability to be funny and entertaining. The Old Spice and Dos Equis commercials are great. Some are condescending. The commercial for Eggies?

"Without them, you'll be up all night peeling eggs!"

No one has lost sleep because of eggs.

"Honey, come to bed."

"I would love to, but SOMEONE boiled a carton of eggs. If I'm in bed by Christmas, I'll be lucky. These damn shells are everywhere!"

Some commercials, however, are just so arrogant, that I'm surprised they are on T.V.

Kobe Bryant's 'Success at Success' commercial is just such a commercial. Nike has gone out of their way to make this pretentious bit of film. Kobe talking to a room full of successful people, telling them that yes, they are successful, but now, it's time to be successful at being successful. Who is this commercial for? The everyman? Doesn't feel that way. This feels as if it's only for billionaires. Feels as though this commercial was filmed at one of the secret concerts at Princes house where.

"Wow, we are all very successful! Come to think of it, while we are all here, let's talk about achieving Success AT Success. Prince? Is okay if the purple snakes leave the room while I address everyone? Their gold teeth, although not venomous as I know you went over, still hurt when they bite."

"...the snakes stay."

"Of course they do! I mean, makes sense. To be here, they have to be the most successful snakes. Slither, my reptilians counterparts. Slither!"

This commercial is the same as showing the world a private video of Tommy Hilfiger on an island only he knows about.

"Hey, guys! Why aren't you here? All you have to do is have more money than some African countries, talk to the Wizard of time and he'll personally fly you through the vortex that brings you here. It's that simple! Also, buying this watch will help."

"Whoa, I gotta get that watch. Look what it did for Tommy! If I get it, I can talk to the Wizard of time!"

It feels as if regular people weren't supposed to see it. As if it accidentally was beamed into our homes. It feels the same as that scene in the movie 'The Witches' when the mice sneak into the witch meeting. Bunch of women talking normally, then boom! They take their faces off and they are witches? Same thing. Those mice weren't supposed to see that! We are not meant to see this commercial. There is nothing here for regular people to relate to.

"Success at success? I work at a call center, Kobe! Yeah, sure. I'll try some success at success. Yesterday I was pretty successful at keeping my soul intact. Maybe today the vending machine will give me an extra Snickers bar by accident. That would be success at success. Not dying inside, two chocolate bars. Pretty decent day for me."

It would be a great commercial if it was just about success. If the commercial was just really successful people talking about success, it could be very inspiring. But no. It's a commercial for shoes. Shoes! Get all of these people in the same room, people with great ideas and great stories, and they hawk shoes to the world.

"Tony Robbins! What should I do to stay motivated? I'm broke, have two jobs I don't like, but am really trying to get a career in music started."

"Well, that's an easy one. Get a size ten and a half of Kobe Bryant's new basketball shoe."

"...but, I... don't play basketball."

"These are not just basketball shoes. They are success-ball-basket-inspire-achievement shoes of motivation! Since I've worn them, I've made two million more dollars."

"Wow, really?!"

"Of course! Nike pays me to put them on. I don't wear them for free!"

What do these shoes have to do with success? Kobe is the only one who can benefit from them! Is jumping higher going to help Tony Robbins motivate people better? Will Kanyes songs be more amazing if his ankles are protected?

"Yo, Kanye, that last song was alright, but I mean...it just sounded as if ANYONE could get to your ankles. Like, if the kid from 'Pet Cemetery' was in the studio, you'd be done."

"You're right! I couldn't figure it out, but now that I look down, I'm wearing slippers! Jesus. Toss me those Success at Success shoes and we'll do it again. Try to get at me now demon baby from the mind of Stephen King! TRY NOW!"

Also, if this is all about success, why is Richard Branson not the star of this commercial? I love Kobe, but he or no one in that room touches Richard Branson. NOBODY there is on the level of Richard Branson. He's trying to start a space program that would allow people to pay to go to space. His own space program! I love your three, Kobe, but it happens here on earth. One day, you might be able to shoot it on the moon, but it will be because of Richard Branson. No one else in that room has been knighted! He is Sir Richard Branson. Sir! Kobe can't tell Richard about success! Makes as much sense as Richard Branson telling Kobe about basketball.

“Kobe, what you need to do is drop your elbow just a bit before you release the shot.”

“Richard, this is what I do.”

“That's Sir Richard. Sir. Maybe you'd be knighted if you listened to a knight when he tells you how to shoot.”

“Have you ever played basket?”

“Oh, have I ever played basketball. Have you ever been the fourth richest person in the United Kingdom? Drop your elbow!”

In the commercial, Richard Branson says he's been to space. Kobe says he has as well. No you haven't! I get that Kobe saying he's been to space means he jumps high, but you can only say you've been to space because you jump high if you are talking to other basketball players and trying to brag. You can't tell a man whose been to space that you have been as well because you can jump!

"I've been to space."

"Ditto."

"...really? I saw a lot of things there. I can't say that I saw you."

"Well, I didn't go per say. I have dunked a basketball, though."

"Oh, I get it now. You were being cute. I made jokes like as well before I had been to space. But since I've been to space, I don't joke about it. I've been to space. Actual space. And unless there is something I'm missing, which I doubt because I have money and influence, you can't jump there."

“...I was just being facetious.”

“Of course you were! Wish I could say the same. It's hard to be facetious though when you have actually exited the earths atmosphere. Anyway, can I get back to telling you about space?”

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CtIXGip_7O0