Nathan Macintosh

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on Conan, Late Show w/ Stephen Colbert, Just For Laughs

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Filtering by Category: Funny

Reasons I Liked Batman Vs Superman (Thousand Spoilers)

People are REALLY attacking this movie. People are walking out of the theatre as if they have just seen Troll 2. 

'Why did Batman have to go to Nilbog? I mean, in what REALM is it okay that Superman eats a green slime that CLEARLY is going to turn him into a goblin?! And WHY is WonderWoman turning people into trees?! For dear god sake why!' (Sidenote: Watch Troll 2 and tell me the woman who turns that kid into a tree doesn't look VAGUELY like the new Wonder Woman.'

I saw trailers for this movie a year ago and said 'Yuck. That is going to be horrendous.' I FULLY expected to see a bad movie. FULLY expected to say 'OH that was bad' but still have a good time with friends. Did that happen? NOT. EVEN. KIND. OF. I was watching this movie in shock. I kept waiting for a worse movie to start. I kept looking over at my friend with a look on my face like 'This is insane! WHAT were people talking about?'

The first trailer I saw I thought this looked bad. The second trailer, that was longer and showed Wonder Woman and Doomsday, I went 'MAN THIS THING IS GOING TO FLOP.' So I sat in the theatre, completely expecting to see a The Room and having fun with how bad it was. When THAT didn't happen, I was shocked.

To be honest, I'm not a huge fan of Superhero movies. And actually, more specifically, the Marvel ones. I liked Nolans Batman's (except Dark Knight Rises), I liked the first Avengers (which I know is Marvel). But the rest of the Marvel movies I find to be the same. So shiny. So 'written'. So many stupid jokes about nothing. So many dumb quips about explosions and fighting and trash. Avengers 2 I was like 'Hey! Is this CaddyShack!? An entire city is being carried away! Take ti god damn seriously for a minute! Especially you, Hawkeye. Your only power is you can shoot arrows well. Arrows! A rogue rock could kill you! CUT. THE. JOKES.' So with that, the list begins.

1. NO DUMB JOKES

To whoever made the decision for Batman not to make dumb bat belt jokes or for Superman to have one liners, THANK YOU! I mean, dear god, does ANYONE in Superhero movies care that things are going on? That planets are being eaten or whatever? Can SOMEONE TAKE THEIR JOB A LITTLE SERIOUSLY? I loved that the destruction of a full city had some weight to it. I mean, things are going bad in this movie. Full buildings are being destroyed. And not ONCE does Batman turn to Superman and say something 'hilarious' like 'Oh, man. That was a sandwich shop I own.' 'Not that building. That's where I have sex with all of my women.' Or Superman looking at Batman, 'That was the Daily Planet. Good thing I cleaned out my desk today.' AHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH! OHHHH man. SO funny. SO needed. SOOOOO GOOOD. It's awful when that happens. Let something have weight. SOMEtimes. 

2. Superman Went To Court

Are you kidding me? This was great. What are some people's complaints from the last Superman movie. Not even really complaints just dumb jokes.

'I mean, Superman saves the day sure, but he destroyed a whole city! Do you know how much that would cost to repair?!'

THIS MOVIE ADDRESS'S THAT. Is Superman REALLY that great or does the damage he cause outweigh the good that he does. The man, GOES TO COURT. SUPERMAN. Walks into a court room to defend himself against taking buildings down accidentally while saving one family. That is great. I loved in this movie that people were angry at Superman for all the destruction he's caused. Loved it. 

3. Batman Was Pissed

Loved this. The opening scene, Bruce Wayne is speeding through the city as Superman is in the sky, fighting someone and being thrown through buildings while doing it. He is thrown through Wayne Enterprises, and pieces of the building fall onto a security guard who works there. The pieces crush is legs, and Bruce Wayne holds him while looking to the sky at Superman PISSED. He's decided here that he has to stop Superman. I loved showing Superman's fight from the ground. Showing what happens to the people in the city who are not involved with this battle at all. 

4. Superman Took Doomsday To Space

Truthfully, I'm not the biggest Superman fan. He has all the powers imaginable, but his morals keep him from throwing people into the sun. I've said a bunch of times I don't know why Superman doesn't just throw these bad guys to space. And in this movie, he did! I was like 'YES. You can do this. It's a power! Take this trash to space and throw him into nothing!' And not only that, while Superman is in space, the President decides that as they don't know if they can trust Superman long term, that they are going to take this opportunity to nuke him. THEY SHOOT A NUKE AT SUPERMAN IN SPACE. Come on. This was great. 

5. The Fight Between Batman And Superman

This easily could have been a terrible part. This easily could have been a super cheesy fight. But they did it well. I thought they did a great job not making it look dumb. Superman who could easily destroy Batman, isn't using full power against him because he just wants Batman to listen to him for a minute while he explains that they need to work together. Batman, who has stolen Kryptonite and worked out HARD for this fight ain't hearing it. So while Superman is being led by rage, Batman hits him in the back with Kyrponite gas that weakens him, and Batman starts throwing haymakers. Thought this was great.

6. Superman Drove A Horn Through His Own Chest To Kill Doomsday

To kill doomsday, Superman uses a staff that Batman made that has Kryptonite in it. As he drives it into Doomsday, Doomsday stabs him in the chest with a horn on him. Does that stop Superman? Nope. He drags himself up the horn, killing himself while pushing the staff farther into Doomsday. Man. Come on. 

Just to be fair all around, some things I didn't like. Wonder Woman showing us upcoming characters from a computer drive. Wasn't a huge fan of how Jesse Eisenberg played Lex Luthor. I was hoping they would have just left Superman dead and left the explanation of him coming back for the next movie, but I get why it's done this way. 

Moving To Canada!

There are a lot of Americans saying they will move to Canada if Doctor Trump becomes Doctor of the Free World. A lot of Americans are going to get up, FINALLY get their passport, drive to Canada and lay claim. This is great news. Canada has been waiting for this day!

'You want to come over here SOLELY because you don't like who's running things? Well hell yeah! Come on in and grab a seat!'

Before Americans do move to Canada (which I believe will NEVER happen. Not even one American) there are a few things they should know about Canada if they REALLY do want to move there. 

1. You Can't Just DO That

Canada, much like America, is a country. Canada, much like America, is a country that has rules and regulations and such. You cannot simply get to the border and go 'I'm American, which means I'll stay here as long as I want.' Nope. Not how it works. You have to fill out forms. You have to pay money. You have to have a reason that you are immigrating to another country. And how long are you going to live there? For four years until the owner of Chipotle or whatever runs for President and beats the owner of Golf Courses? Canada isn't a couch.

'Is it cool if I crash here until my landlord leaves the building?'

'Yeah, sure. Couple weeks?'

'Was thinking four years.'

'.... Step into my office, sir.' 

2. We Use Kilometres And It's Better

When I was young and I heard the song 'I can't drive 55', I thought '55 isn't even fast!' I like the song, but what the hell? Was Sammy Hagar going through a school zone? Was he on a road with speed bumps? Pick it up, Sammy! Found out later it was 55 miles an hour, which IS fast, but doesn't SOUND fast. In Canada kilometres are used, not miles. On a highway, you can drive 110 km an hour. Now, what sounds like you're going faster? 110 or 55? 110! That is the answer! Every time! Get used to REALLY GOING FAST. And not buying gallons of gas, buying litres. This will be one of the many greats reasons to be in Canada. No you can't buy a handgun to stash in your glove box incase their are people listening to loud music at the gas station, but you can DRIVE 110 ON A HIGHWAY. I mean, COME ON. 

3. Fahrenheit is toast. Get ready for Celsius. 

ZERO MEANS FREEZING! ZERO! IN WHAT REALM DOES IT MAKES SENSE TO HAVE 32 BE FREEZING?! STOP THE MADNESS! And we have. Canada stopped the madness years ago. And if Americans DO move to Canada (which is not going to happen), they can stop the madness as well. 

4. It's 'Moose' no matter how many there are

Moose's, Moosey's, Moose-i-. NONE of those make sense. If you see one more, or a hundred moose, it's moose. That's it. And you WILL see moose. Everywhere. In your backyard, in the trees in the park, in the library, on the highway, in cars beside you on the highway. Moose are EVERYWHERE.

5. Canadian News Isn't Scary

If you are leaving America for Canada, be prepared for the news to get a little different. America's news is constantly 'Look out for this! Look out for that! Your food is bad! Terrorists are everywhere! Don't travel! Don't stay in your city! Don't drink your water! Don't drink other people's water! Don't look people in the eye! Don't avoid eye contact with crazy people because they take it as a sign of aggression!' Canadian news is a little bit different. You might see a top story about hockey nets on city streets, or another replay of Bautista's bat flip. There could also be some stories about some real crime, but it but it won't be run on a loop with four people continuously talking about this crime means the end of the country and world as we know it. 

6. Canada Also Speaks English

I know a lot of Americans think it's just a french party in  Canada. They think when they get there they are going to have to bring 'that english language with 'em' but we have it. English has been in Canada since it began. We also have some french speaking places, and fun fact, if you speak to ANYONE in French in Canada, they have to hand you ten dollars. So learn some of that language you hate and start a new career!

7. Not Every Single Thing In Canada Is About Race

And NO, THAT IS NOT BECAUSE CANADA DOES NOT HAVE BLACK PEOPLE.

'Ahahha, very funny. There are black people in Canada. Yeah right.'

THERE ARE BLACK PEOPLE IN CANADA.

'... Really? Okay. So how does every conversation not turn into a conversation about race then?'

IT JUST DOESN'T. NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT RACE. 

'Okay.... So if someone at a restaurant asks my white friend if he wants the bbq chicken special, and he says no, I can't say something like 'You don't like chicken huh? Racist.' Or if he's black and he turns down the chicken special, I can't do 'WOA, a black man turning down chicken?! That's gotta be a first!'

... PLEASE STOP. THESE JOKES ARE STUPID. YOUR FRIEND JUST DOESN'T WANT THE BBQ CHICKEN SPECIAL. PLEASE STOP THIS. 

'.... I don't think I want to move to Canada.'

I DON'T THINK YOU DO EITHER.

Watched The Academy Awards One Time

I wanted to watch and watched the Oscars once. Jurassic Park was out and THAT year I wanted to watch. THAT year I had a dog in the fight. Jurassic Park. Jurassic Park is still one of my favourite movies, but as a nine year old? It was the greatest thing that ever happened. So that year, I wanted to watch the Oscars. In my mind, Jurassic Park HAD to win best picture. What in the hell else could win?! I mean, the movie had DINOSAURS. REAL dinosaurs that you could touch. Not 'real' real obviously, but an actual dinosaur was made. I didn't see any of the other movies that year that the Academy said were better than Jurassic Park. You weren't telling me, a nine year old, that The Fugitive was a better movie than Jurassic Park. You kidding me? Eat my shorts. Harrison Ford and Tommy Lee Jones chasing each other around? NOPE. Dinosaurs. Where in the hell were the dinosaurs? In Jurassic Park, that's where. You weren't telling nine year old me that Schindlers List was a better movie that Jurassic Park. Oh, I'm sorry Spielberg, but you already MADE a great movie this year. It's called Jurassic Park. THAT'S the one that needs an award. Not a very well made movie about an awful time in history. NOPE. Where are the dinosaurs? In Jurassic Park, that's where. 

What I didn't know as a kid, was that the Academy awards are not for movies like Jurassic Park. Too big. Too fun. Too 'really? COME on.' If Jurassic Park had been the only movie that came out that year, the Academy STILL wouldn't have given it Best Picture. It would have been given to a sad Drunk Driving commercial or something. 

'And the winner of Best Picture this year is... God. No movies were made? Oh, just not movies that are the way you like them to be? Okay, well, the winner for best picture is, that commercial where a cook slips and pours boiling hot water on himself due to an unsafe work environment.' 

The Academy Awards are reserved for 'good movies', movies where a guy plays a mentally challenged person. Movies where a woman plays a person who believes she's a tree and lives in the park. A movie about a sick OL janitor who can cure cancer by throwing a mop at patients. Sad movies where people cry, get emotional, leave their kids on what they think is a slide, but is actually a wood chipper and then they have to take their little wood chipped piece kids in bags to school and family functions. 

'Wood chip pieces?.... Are Wood Chip pieces here?'

'They are, Ms. Alberts, but they are Wood Chips. They can't raise their ha....'

'Was I TALKING to you, Curtis? No, so just sit down and keep sending in that slop you call 'homework'. Now, WOOD CHIPS. ARE. YOU. HERE?'

The Academy also loves movies where actors are alone. Where? Who cares! As long as they are alone. Alone in the woods! Alone on an island! Alone in space! Alone in their own head! Alone in a dumpster behind sizzler! Alone on a beach!

'I just think it's amazing to watch a man talk to a rock as if it's his wife for two hours. Or a woman befriend a branch of a tree. I mean, the human condition is so present here. When are we at our best? WHEN WE ARE ALONE MAKING FRIENDS WITH DUST AND DIRT AND SANDWICH WRAPPERS AND SUCH. THAT'S when.'

Point here is, I don't think the Academy Awards are for us. 'Us' being regular people who walk the earth, like things, have jobs and bills and try to have a good time. Not saying that the movies the Academy likes are not also liked by us, but that movies that are liked by us are almost NEVER liked by the Academy. A fun movie, for example, will NEVER win an Academy Award. Fun movies are able to win a surf board at the 'Bunch Of Movies That Whatever' Awards. A movie like The Dark Knight is able to win a golden Shrimp Boat at the 'Holy Hell! Movie Awards!' show. But the Oscars? No. 

I could be very wrong, but I don't think that anyone who picks the nominations for the Oscars is, or has ever been, a real part of society. Were they ever bored just cruising the mall for something to do? Have they ever just scrolled through Netflix looking for something they never find? I don't think so. I don't think these 'people' were ever people. They have always floated high above. They have always drank white cranberry juice. They have always had people open their car doors. They have always studied the art of acting, and the thought that it has to be serious and sad to be a 'great' movie. 

Which I think is why the movies that a lot of people like, they could care less for. I think to some degree, they look down on the people who like these movies that many people like. If movies that are not loved by the Academy could be kept out of the theatre, I think they would love that. 

'How can a REAL movie be shown in the same building as 'Fart Bus 5: Who Farted? WE ALL DID!' I just think it should be shown in a gutter, or a junk yard, or on the bottom of a hobo's shoe, NOT in the same building as a great acted and directed movie such as 'The Alonementing', one man's beautiful journey from childhood to dwelling alone in a closet weeping under pieces of clothing. Now THAT is cinema.'

I've never really understood the allure of watching awards shows. Rich people getting MORE awards for their work as if tons of money is not enough. And if they DON'T win an award, they are still winning. THERE ARE NO LOSERS AT THE OSCARS. IN THE CROWD, ON THE STAGE. NO WHERE. The only difference between watching these and watching a bank hand out bonuses is that the actors have at least given us some form of entertainment. The bank has not.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

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