Nathan Macintosh

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on Conan, Late Show w/ Stephen Colbert, Just For Laughs

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

For bookings contact:

Don Buchwald And Associates:

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

Filtering by Category: Funny

Hard To Become Rich

Anyone who plays the lottery while working a sixty hour work week knows that it is hard to become rich. HARD. You don't get to keep all of your money, you don't even get to SEE all of the money. You see how much has been taken from you every two weeks, and you probably won't get that money back. 

Very rich people are rich. The rest of us believe we can get there if we just work hard enough. If we pound ourselves in the face for hours of hard work, we too can buy a tiger to throw off a cliff or whatever rich people do for fun. This doesn't seem to be true.

For one, if you are working a job, there is only so much you are allowed to work. Legally. If you are paid a certain amount for a forty hour a week job, and you say, 'Hey, I'll never get rich on this amount. I need to work more.' The company, legally, can not have you do that. Sure, you can work SOME overtime hours, but you can't just ask for the ol' 75 hour a week work shift to propel yourself to tiger throwing status. You LEGALLY, are not allowed to work enough to get to that point.

Another great thing is, if you work a job that DOES allow you to start shopping for Bengals, the government taxes you at such a high rate that there's no WAY you can pay for that tiger to be thrown off a cliff. You make a lot of money, and you think 'Great! I can FINALLY put a big cat in a sling and shoot it into the Grand Canyon!, and the government says, 'Hold on their, cat thrower. WE throw cats around you. YOU keep working and believing you'll one day be here too.' So you start making a lot of money, believing that you'll be one of those people, and the government taxes you an insane amount, making sure you NEVER get up to where they are.

The only people who TRULY have the money to toss a jungle cat into a hole, are some of the families who invented colours, the rail road, oil, Wal - Mart, that type of thing. They were able to make these insane amounts of money years and years ago, and with that money, make the rules on money. We're able to make it so there are a million loop holes for their millions. If they donate ten million a year or whatever to some said organization, like the 'International Cat Hurlers Union', or CHU, they will be GIVEN THAT MONEY BACK at the end of the year. It comes back to them. 

ALSO, because they have so much money, they can keep some here, BUT SEND THE REST TO A COUNTRY WITH DIFFERENT TAX LAWS AND NOT PAY TAX ON IT. So instead of grossing ten billion and netting six, they'll just gross the whole ten. There are a TON of cats you can buy with ten billion dollars. Pretty much all of them. You can PRETTY much buy every single cat in the jungle. Every cat from every home. You can round them al up in a big sack, pay the worlds strongest man to swing that sack around his head, and then throw it into a pit of death. 

You CAN buy stocks. You CAN invest. Sure. You can buy stocks that will go up and down, and this is really the way that most rich people become rich. Investing. You control how much money you put where. But what you CAN’T CONTROL, is what those stocks will do.

‘Yesterday my stocks were up! What the hell happened!’

Many things! Weather. Company selling. A President SAYING SOMETHING can affect the price of things. And NOW where are you? You are NOT, and I repeat NOT throwing Panthers into a Gucci bag and tossing them from a G5 I’ll tell you that. Now you’re stocks crash and what are you doing? You are living in an alley with a tabby that will NOT FORGET that you wanted to buy it’s bigger cousins and suck them through a window. It’s a strange, strange life, and it is hard to become rich in it.

 

Going No Meat

Over the last little while I've started to think that I should stop eating meat. Not sure that it's helping my life at this point. I'm sure meat is okay with it.

'But hey, I'm meat! What in the hell am I dying for if no one is going to eat me!?'

'... Well if nobody eats you you won't have to die.'

'Why the hell wouldn't you want to eat me? I'm meat!'

'I mean, a couple of reasons.'

Me not wanting to eat meat much anymore doesn't really have a whole lot to do with the fact that an animal has to die. If I had to kill an animal to eat it? I wouldn't. That's just me. A lot of people could and can, and that's cool, but if I had to actually kill a thing to eat it, man, no way. Even a chicken. 

'Come here, chicken! You gotta die!'

'Why?! What did I do?!'

'Nothing! I just want to cook your tits!' 

'Dear god! Let me live! Just put them in your mouth!'

'No, I wanna eat 'em!'

Not being able to strangle a cow with my bare hands is not THE reason that I want to cut down on meat. . Big reason is that I don't really feel good after eating meat anymore. Specifically red meat. It now stops me from feeling like a normal person. I used to eat meat and still want to do things. Now, if I eat red meat, I don't want to move. Even just a burger.

'Buddy, look out! You're pulling the table cloth off of the table!!'

'Yeah, I need a blanket. Gonna nap in this booth.' 

'Jesus! Everything is on the floor.!'

'Shhhh! Could you please stop yelling? I'm exhausted over here.'

I've always eaten meat. At one point I was ADDICTED to chicken wings. I was eating at least two pounds a week for about four straight years. And before that I was still eating them, just not on such a regimented schedule. Just couldn't get enough chicken wings. When people would ask me what my favourite food was, chicken wings. When I went ANYWHERE, I would get chicken wings. Even places that I KNEW were not going to have good wings. Restaurants like 'We have good everything EXCEPT chicken wings. We swear to god. Don't order them here!' I'd get them and go, 'Ugh, these are terrible' while still eating them. After awhile, I looked awful and felt awful. Two pounds a week for four years! That's 104 pounds a year! Dear Christ. I ate that! If I could see a room full of all of the wings I've eaten, I'd throw up. It's enough wings for them to gather together and form some sort of wing voltron.

Having just turned 30, it feels like this is the time. Feels like this the time to decide if you're going to eat healthy and try to feel good from now on OR take the other road and just throw it all into the garbage. It doesn't get easier from here to live healthier, go to the gym and keep weight off. Only harder. At 20 I could eat pizza and still go somewhere. 30 if I have a couple of slices before I go to sleep, I wake up feeling like I drank.

'Dear god, how much did I.... Oh, nothing. I drank water and those three pieces of meat lovers pizza. CHRIST. I just hope I didn't drive home. Ugh.'

So, I'm trying. I'd love to just switch right to plants and no dairy. I'm sure I could, but it's going to take me a minute before I go full. But I'm slowly going full. Because whatever. I have had enough meat and dairy in my life. Had it. Do I NEED to keep doing it? How much milk do I have to drink? How many chicken tits do I need to suck on?! How many?! It's time to drink the milk of a million crushed almonds! It's time to the eat the tits off of some spinach! 

@nathanmacintosh

Reasons I Liked Batman Vs Superman (Thousand Spoilers)

People are REALLY attacking this movie. People are walking out of the theatre as if they have just seen Troll 2. 

'Why did Batman have to go to Nilbog? I mean, in what REALM is it okay that Superman eats a green slime that CLEARLY is going to turn him into a goblin?! And WHY is WonderWoman turning people into trees?! For dear god sake why!' (Sidenote: Watch Troll 2 and tell me the woman who turns that kid into a tree doesn't look VAGUELY like the new Wonder Woman.'

I saw trailers for this movie a year ago and said 'Yuck. That is going to be horrendous.' I FULLY expected to see a bad movie. FULLY expected to say 'OH that was bad' but still have a good time with friends. Did that happen? NOT. EVEN. KIND. OF. I was watching this movie in shock. I kept waiting for a worse movie to start. I kept looking over at my friend with a look on my face like 'This is insane! WHAT were people talking about?'

The first trailer I saw I thought this looked bad. The second trailer, that was longer and showed Wonder Woman and Doomsday, I went 'MAN THIS THING IS GOING TO FLOP.' So I sat in the theatre, completely expecting to see a The Room and having fun with how bad it was. When THAT didn't happen, I was shocked.

To be honest, I'm not a huge fan of Superhero movies. And actually, more specifically, the Marvel ones. I liked Nolans Batman's (except Dark Knight Rises), I liked the first Avengers (which I know is Marvel). But the rest of the Marvel movies I find to be the same. So shiny. So 'written'. So many stupid jokes about nothing. So many dumb quips about explosions and fighting and trash. Avengers 2 I was like 'Hey! Is this CaddyShack!? An entire city is being carried away! Take ti god damn seriously for a minute! Especially you, Hawkeye. Your only power is you can shoot arrows well. Arrows! A rogue rock could kill you! CUT. THE. JOKES.' So with that, the list begins.

1. NO DUMB JOKES

To whoever made the decision for Batman not to make dumb bat belt jokes or for Superman to have one liners, THANK YOU! I mean, dear god, does ANYONE in Superhero movies care that things are going on? That planets are being eaten or whatever? Can SOMEONE TAKE THEIR JOB A LITTLE SERIOUSLY? I loved that the destruction of a full city had some weight to it. I mean, things are going bad in this movie. Full buildings are being destroyed. And not ONCE does Batman turn to Superman and say something 'hilarious' like 'Oh, man. That was a sandwich shop I own.' 'Not that building. That's where I have sex with all of my women.' Or Superman looking at Batman, 'That was the Daily Planet. Good thing I cleaned out my desk today.' AHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH! OHHHH man. SO funny. SO needed. SOOOOO GOOOD. It's awful when that happens. Let something have weight. SOMEtimes. 

2. Superman Went To Court

Are you kidding me? This was great. What are some people's complaints from the last Superman movie. Not even really complaints just dumb jokes.

'I mean, Superman saves the day sure, but he destroyed a whole city! Do you know how much that would cost to repair?!'

THIS MOVIE ADDRESS'S THAT. Is Superman REALLY that great or does the damage he cause outweigh the good that he does. The man, GOES TO COURT. SUPERMAN. Walks into a court room to defend himself against taking buildings down accidentally while saving one family. That is great. I loved in this movie that people were angry at Superman for all the destruction he's caused. Loved it. 

3. Batman Was Pissed

Loved this. The opening scene, Bruce Wayne is speeding through the city as Superman is in the sky, fighting someone and being thrown through buildings while doing it. He is thrown through Wayne Enterprises, and pieces of the building fall onto a security guard who works there. The pieces crush is legs, and Bruce Wayne holds him while looking to the sky at Superman PISSED. He's decided here that he has to stop Superman. I loved showing Superman's fight from the ground. Showing what happens to the people in the city who are not involved with this battle at all. 

4. Superman Took Doomsday To Space

Truthfully, I'm not the biggest Superman fan. He has all the powers imaginable, but his morals keep him from throwing people into the sun. I've said a bunch of times I don't know why Superman doesn't just throw these bad guys to space. And in this movie, he did! I was like 'YES. You can do this. It's a power! Take this trash to space and throw him into nothing!' And not only that, while Superman is in space, the President decides that as they don't know if they can trust Superman long term, that they are going to take this opportunity to nuke him. THEY SHOOT A NUKE AT SUPERMAN IN SPACE. Come on. This was great. 

5. The Fight Between Batman And Superman

This easily could have been a terrible part. This easily could have been a super cheesy fight. But they did it well. I thought they did a great job not making it look dumb. Superman who could easily destroy Batman, isn't using full power against him because he just wants Batman to listen to him for a minute while he explains that they need to work together. Batman, who has stolen Kryptonite and worked out HARD for this fight ain't hearing it. So while Superman is being led by rage, Batman hits him in the back with Kyrponite gas that weakens him, and Batman starts throwing haymakers. Thought this was great.

6. Superman Drove A Horn Through His Own Chest To Kill Doomsday

To kill doomsday, Superman uses a staff that Batman made that has Kryptonite in it. As he drives it into Doomsday, Doomsday stabs him in the chest with a horn on him. Does that stop Superman? Nope. He drags himself up the horn, killing himself while pushing the staff farther into Doomsday. Man. Come on. 

Just to be fair all around, some things I didn't like. Wonder Woman showing us upcoming characters from a computer drive. Wasn't a huge fan of how Jesse Eisenberg played Lex Luthor. I was hoping they would have just left Superman dead and left the explanation of him coming back for the next movie, but I get why it's done this way. 

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