Nathan Macintosh

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on Conan, Late Show w/ Stephen Colbert, Just For Laughs

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

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Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

Filtering by Category: Funny

'Mamava' - Breast Feeding In Peace

There are a lot of frustrating things happening in the airport. Kids crying. Boarding passes being checked thousands of times. Some psycho late for a flight who STILL needs to buy a danish from Auntie M’s then argue with the gate agent when the gate has been locked with crumbs in their mouth ‘but it’s right there! The plane is RIGHT THERE!’ But this is the FIRST TIME, I saw this.

A trailer for mothers that allows for ‘breastfeeding and pumping in peace’. This mobile home that was brought inside is for mothers, to BREAST FEED in peace. This tool shed found in backyards hidden in by sad dads who ‘tinker with nuts and bolts’ while they’re actually ‘thinking about their entire life and the wrong turns they’ve made’, has been brought INSIDE so that moms can PEACEFULLY feed their babies.

Now of course, there would be a lot of mothers who love this, and that’s fine. Own space. Privacy. Makes sense. Some of that would come from mothers not WANTING to have to sit in a chair openly because SOMEONE might glare at them like like they’re microwaving a bowl of cereal. But some would be excited about this, because there are some complete criminals who have a problem with how babies feed. Oddly repressed psychos who instead of dealing with their own feelings have to make a face or a comment because ‘ugh! A tit! And a baby attached to it! Not in my town, buddy!’ So this milking RV would make them comfortable. There have been many articles and think pieces over the years about women breast feeding in public.

‘Should It Be Done?’

‘Is It Gross?’

‘Why Can’t I Also, If Hungry, Ask This Mother If I Can Suck On The Left One?’

Many people think it’s insane that a woman would breast feed in public. So this bungalow for breasts seems to be trying to hide the fact that babies eat. But, if people can argue that feeding a baby in public is somehow wrong or gross or shouldn’t be done, how are there PLENTY OF OTHER THINGS that people should ONLY be doing in the comfort of a rolling family room that are never talked about? There are MANY other things people do very publicly that should be done incredibly privately.

EATING AN EGG SALAD SANDWICH - Egg and MAYO?! Together again for the never should have happened to begin with? Eggs shouldn’t be eaten in public. If someone had a tablespoon of mayo and was just sucking on it we’d all want them locked up. Why is THIS not a caged option? Why is there not a ‘EggAva’ Caravan where you can ‘Eat This Disgusting Lunch Option In Peace’? If babies only ate egg salad that came from tits, there sure as hell would be.

nose_picking_kid.jpg

PEOPLE PICKING THEIR NOSE - THIS HAPPENS WAY TOO MUCH. People, in PUBLIC, with their entire hand in their head. Their ENTIRE HAND is in their face as if they are trying to push the button on their brain that would shut off the need to PICK THEIR NOSE IN PUBLIC. Is THIS not disgusting? Why is there no ‘PickYourNoseAva’ covered gazebo where you can ‘Dig Into Your Skull In Peace’? WHY NOT?! Breast feeding needs to be hidden but this doesn’t? How are people less upset about THIS?! EVERYONE tells their kids not to pick their nose. Anyone tell their kids not to eat?

ARGUING WITH YOUR SPOUSE - Happens daily. People bringing their trash into the street.

‘You were supposed to NOT cheat on me!’

‘Today? You didn’t say today!’

‘It’s everyday!’

‘Okay well NOW I KNOW! FINE. Starting now, I WON’T cheat on you on Tuesdays…’

‘No EVERY DAY! Not just every Tuesday!’

Some how THIS is better than a baby having lunch. SOME magic way it’s more wrong for some to see a woman feeding a baby with her chest but it’s COMPLETELY okay for two people who shouldn’t be together screaming at each other.

‘Man that couple is REALLY going at it. She just called him an asshole and through her phone at him!’

‘At least her boobs aren’t out giving milk to a child! Now let’s go tell these people to speak American!’

Get them a ‘YellAtYourSoonToBeExAva’ closed UFC cage type thing that they can climb into and go at it.

To the mothers that are happy about this thing, great! Happy for you. To the weirdos that are happy about it because ‘I don’t want to see that’, nobody wants to see you wearing sunglasses on the back of your head with boot cut jeans and running shoes tied too tight either. But here we are.

Hard To Become Rich

Anyone who plays the lottery while working a sixty hour work week knows that it is hard to become rich. HARD. You don't get to keep all of your money, you don't even get to SEE all of the money. You see how much has been taken from you every two weeks, and you probably won't get that money back. 

Very rich people are rich. The rest of us believe we can get there if we just work hard enough. If we pound ourselves in the face for hours of hard work, we too can buy a tiger to throw off a cliff or whatever rich people do for fun. This doesn't seem to be true.

For one, if you are working a job, there is only so much you are allowed to work. Legally. If you are paid a certain amount for a forty hour a week job, and you say, 'Hey, I'll never get rich on this amount. I need to work more.' The company, legally, can not have you do that. Sure, you can work SOME overtime hours, but you can't just ask for the ol' 75 hour a week work shift to propel yourself to tiger throwing status. You LEGALLY, are not allowed to work enough to get to that point.

Another great thing is, if you work a job that DOES allow you to start shopping for Bengals, the government taxes you at such a high rate that there's no WAY you can pay for that tiger to be thrown off a cliff. You make a lot of money, and you think 'Great! I can FINALLY put a big cat in a sling and shoot it into the Grand Canyon!, and the government says, 'Hold on their, cat thrower. WE throw cats around you. YOU keep working and believing you'll one day be here too.' So you start making a lot of money, believing that you'll be one of those people, and the government taxes you an insane amount, making sure you NEVER get up to where they are.

The only people who TRULY have the money to toss a jungle cat into a hole, are some of the families who invented colours, the rail road, oil, Wal - Mart, that type of thing. They were able to make these insane amounts of money years and years ago, and with that money, make the rules on money. We're able to make it so there are a million loop holes for their millions. If they donate ten million a year or whatever to some said organization, like the 'International Cat Hurlers Union', or CHU, they will be GIVEN THAT MONEY BACK at the end of the year. It comes back to them. 

ALSO, because they have so much money, they can keep some here, BUT SEND THE REST TO A COUNTRY WITH DIFFERENT TAX LAWS AND NOT PAY TAX ON IT. So instead of grossing ten billion and netting six, they'll just gross the whole ten. There are a TON of cats you can buy with ten billion dollars. Pretty much all of them. You can PRETTY much buy every single cat in the jungle. Every cat from every home. You can round them al up in a big sack, pay the worlds strongest man to swing that sack around his head, and then throw it into a pit of death. 

You CAN buy stocks. You CAN invest. Sure. You can buy stocks that will go up and down, and this is really the way that most rich people become rich. Investing. You control how much money you put where. But what you CAN’T CONTROL, is what those stocks will do.

‘Yesterday my stocks were up! What the hell happened!’

Many things! Weather. Company selling. A President SAYING SOMETHING can affect the price of things. And NOW where are you? You are NOT, and I repeat NOT throwing Panthers into a Gucci bag and tossing them from a G5 I’ll tell you that. Now you’re stocks crash and what are you doing? You are living in an alley with a tabby that will NOT FORGET that you wanted to buy it’s bigger cousins and suck them through a window. It’s a strange, strange life, and it is hard to become rich in it.

 

Going No Meat

Over the last little while I've started to think that I should stop eating meat. Not sure that it's helping my life at this point. I'm sure meat is okay with it.

'But hey, I'm meat! What in the hell am I dying for if no one is going to eat me!?'

'... Well if nobody eats you you won't have to die.'

'Why the hell wouldn't you want to eat me? I'm meat!'

'I mean, a couple of reasons.'

Me not wanting to eat meat much anymore doesn't really have a whole lot to do with the fact that an animal has to die. If I had to kill an animal to eat it? I wouldn't. That's just me. A lot of people could and can, and that's cool, but if I had to actually kill a thing to eat it, man, no way. Even a chicken. 

'Come here, chicken! You gotta die!'

'Why?! What did I do?!'

'Nothing! I just want to cook your tits!' 

'Dear god! Let me live! Just put them in your mouth!'

'No, I wanna eat 'em!'

Not being able to strangle a cow with my bare hands is not THE reason that I want to cut down on meat. . Big reason is that I don't really feel good after eating meat anymore. Specifically red meat. It now stops me from feeling like a normal person. I used to eat meat and still want to do things. Now, if I eat red meat, I don't want to move. Even just a burger.

'Buddy, look out! You're pulling the table cloth off of the table!!'

'Yeah, I need a blanket. Gonna nap in this booth.' 

'Jesus! Everything is on the floor.!'

'Shhhh! Could you please stop yelling? I'm exhausted over here.'

I've always eaten meat. At one point I was ADDICTED to chicken wings. I was eating at least two pounds a week for about four straight years. And before that I was still eating them, just not on such a regimented schedule. Just couldn't get enough chicken wings. When people would ask me what my favourite food was, chicken wings. When I went ANYWHERE, I would get chicken wings. Even places that I KNEW were not going to have good wings. Restaurants like 'We have good everything EXCEPT chicken wings. We swear to god. Don't order them here!' I'd get them and go, 'Ugh, these are terrible' while still eating them. After awhile, I looked awful and felt awful. Two pounds a week for four years! That's 104 pounds a year! Dear Christ. I ate that! If I could see a room full of all of the wings I've eaten, I'd throw up. It's enough wings for them to gather together and form some sort of wing voltron.

Having just turned 30, it feels like this is the time. Feels like this the time to decide if you're going to eat healthy and try to feel good from now on OR take the other road and just throw it all into the garbage. It doesn't get easier from here to live healthier, go to the gym and keep weight off. Only harder. At 20 I could eat pizza and still go somewhere. 30 if I have a couple of slices before I go to sleep, I wake up feeling like I drank.

'Dear god, how much did I.... Oh, nothing. I drank water and those three pieces of meat lovers pizza. CHRIST. I just hope I didn't drive home. Ugh.'

So, I'm trying. I'd love to just switch right to plants and no dairy. I'm sure I could, but it's going to take me a minute before I go full. But I'm slowly going full. Because whatever. I have had enough meat and dairy in my life. Had it. Do I NEED to keep doing it? How much milk do I have to drink? How many chicken tits do I need to suck on?! How many?! It's time to drink the milk of a million crushed almonds! It's time to the eat the tits off of some spinach! 

@nathanmacintosh

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