Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

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Filtering by Category: "theatres"

Godzilla.

I waited for awhile to see this movie. The first few trailers made it look like it was going to be a serious take on Godzilla. I avoided all trailers after that. I didn't want to see what Godzilla looked like before I saw it. A couple days before the release, Youtube made that hard, running a banner on their homepage that had Godzilla screaming in your face. Okay, well, it's just his face. Go to see the movie. Sitting there, before the previews, there is a Fiat commercial. And who is the celebrity they get to sell this thing? You guessed it. Godzilla himself. In full form! He eats a Fiat, chokes on it, dies, and the car drives out of his face. So before the movie, right before it, Godzilla is no longer a surprise because he's selling me a Fiat. I don't even understand that marketing.
"Looking for a new car. Something that is tiny enough to fit in a monsters mouth, but wide enough to get stuck in his throat and kill him, then small enough to drive out of his mouth when he dies."
"Have you heard of the ... Fiat?"
"I have. I thought that was just for Italy. Or clowns. Or Italians clowns."
"Nope. It's for ANYONE who wishes their cubicle had wheels."
"... Did you just call the Fiat a cubicle with wheels?"
"Did I just knock two hundred dollars off the sticker price?"
"I'll take it!"

The movie starts. Here comes Bryan Cranston. Love this man. For most of this movie he looks like Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire before he becomes Mrs. Doubtfire. That's what I kept thinking, anyway.
"Maybe when Godzilla shows up, he'll dress up as a nanny to stop him. WHEN Godzilla shows up. Wait a minute, where the hell is Godzilla?"
Godzilla, as only the King of the Monsters can, shows up later. A bunch later. Like a whole episode of The Wire later. What comes before him? Some other monsters. Which I thought was great! A thing you think is going to be Godzilla, turns out to be another monster that is here to murder. Pretty cool. One strange thing to me is that the trailers were sort of misleading in that regard. Godzilla was the prominent one in the trailers. I had no idea there were other monsters. Which is cool. I suppose the studio wanted to keep that a secret, but it's a little sad when you want to see some Godzilla smashing and hurting things.

Why is it sad? Because Godzilla ain't here to destroy. Godzilla is here to protect. Even thought years ago the United States dropped nukes on him and tried to kill him, Godzilla waits in the earths core until another monster appears, then he wakes up and smashes that monster. He's a detective in a way. He's a giant, underwater Batman here to restore order.
"Swear to me!"
"What did you just say, Godzilla?"
"... Rooooaaaarrr!"
And what's sort of strange, is that even though Godzilla comes out of the ocean to protect earth, to stop these monsters because he is the only one that can, the United States Army is STILL trying to kill him! They are shooting him, throwing missiles at him. Tanks are unloading in his face. Friendly fire, guys. Just because he's not wearing an American flag does not mean he's against you. Godzilla's got a lot to deal with. Two monsters that want him dead, and the American military that know he's there to help but still want to fire their guns. I'm sure at points Godzilla wishes he could speak english.
"Jesus, can you not see I'm fighting two giant beats that feed on nuclear energy? Do you REALLY think it helps me when you shoot me with that AR-15? I'm too big to even feel it! It's just annoying. Do you WANT to have an earth anymore? I can go back in the ocean and pretend I didn't hear these monsters. Is that what you want? Huh? Then stop shooting me!"
"Sir! Sorry, Godzilla, sir! You're just big and scary and I have an automatic weapon, sir!"
"Hey, man. I get it. You think it's easy for me in this body? There's NOTHING for me to have sex with. Let's just work together here, okay?"
I do like this movie. It was fun for what it is. I do have a couple of thoughts, though.

I think movies have to find a better motivator for a man than his wife dying. We get it. At one point in time, your wife dying was the worst thing that could happen. But now? The divorce rate is fifty percent. There's no way that men can still be driven to such things when they're wife dies. Bryan Cranston in this movie spends fifteen years trying to figure out exactly what happened to his wife. Fifteen years! And he's still passionate about it! I can believe in Godzilla more than I can that. Had his wife not have died in the movie, stats say they might have gotten a divorce on screen anyway.
"Woa, honey. Look at the news. There's a monster coming out of the ocean!"
"Look at the news? Look at the garbage! I asked you to take this out two days ago!"
"God dammit. Again with this garbage nonsense? There's a earth beast coming to eat us!"
"I'll tell you what it won't be eating. Dinner. In this house. Because there's no point in making it! Not if there's no place to throw out the leftovers."
"What in the hell does THAT mean?"
"It means the garbage is full, and you NEVER finish what I make anyway, so I'll have to throw it out, but where? Where 'radiation master' of Japan? Tell me that!"
"You've always resented that I got this job in Japan. Well tough fortune cookies, honey. It puts food on the table!"
"I don't even think these people are japanese! They speak english better than we do with very minimal japanese accents."
"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY CO-WORKERS LIKE THAT! They are strong, hard working people who I can speak fluent english with in their native country and then throw in some japanese words whenever I want!"
"I want a strong, hard working divorce!"
"Fine!"
In the movies, you kill a mans wife, he'll go to the ends of the earth to find you. In real life, you kill a mans wife, good chance he's remarried or at least moved on within three years.

I also like that there's a scene where Godzilla is fighting a monster, and you can clearly see people in an office working. That's how rough these office jobs are. Whole city has been evacuated, and the President of some company won't let his employees leave.
"We have to evacuate!"
"Evacuate my bag. We have to finish this merger."
"There's monsters outside!"
"Outside? There's monsters at the ground level that want my job! I didn't get to this position by running away every time a little 'state of emergency' was issued. Get accounting on the phone. And order chinese! We're gonna be here as long as it takes."

Also, why do monsters in monster movies always want to have kids? There can't just be monsters that want to destroy? It happens in horror movies. Jason Vorhees isn't trying to have kids. Michael Myers will just kill a kid. In movies dedicated to monsters though, that's usually the reason. Reason can't just be that they are monsters? We gotta give them a human element? Most humans in North America now don't even want to have kids. The movie should be people trying to convince the monsters why that's a bad idea.
"Kids? Are you giant things serious? Think about all the free time you'll lose. You won't just be able to fly from here to Japan anymore if you have kids to worry about. And you can FORGET having a social life. Just forget it. Right now I can literally do whatever I want. Why? No kids! Think about it. And please don't eat or kill me."
Or maybe that was the point of the movie. To show that people who want to have lots of kids are monsters.

Again, I had fun with this movie. It's not as serious as the first trailers let on I don't think, but if you see it in the theatre you'll have a good time. I wish it had had some more Godzilla, but hey, I'm still doing alright.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Zombie Movies. I can't.


I haven't seen too many zombies movies that I've liked. 'Night of the Living Dead' I think is a great movie. 'Dawn of The Dead' was pretty fun. 'Walking Dead' was something I couldn't get into. An entire show about people running from zombies? It's hard to give a two hour movie about it a decent amount of attention. How can I keep caring for six years? But even though I've never been a huge fan of them, I saw the trailer for World War Z and was interested. It looked as though it would be a bit different from normal zombie movies. Went to see it, and within fifteen minutes was reminded of why I'm not interested in these movies.

One of the things I can't get over, is that for some reason in zombie movies, people just know what to do. One minute, people are driving to work, everything in their life is zombie free. They woke up a bit late, didn't have time to eat anything more than half a bagel, have to sit in a meeting they don't want to be in. Then, bam! Zombies attack! And without even a thought, they snap right into 'zombie apocalypse mode'. Kicking zombies in the face, running them over, shooting them in the head with guns they've found and probably never used before. Calm as hell. No screaming. No freaking out. Jut an easy transition.
"I can't believe this traffic. I'm already late. And why won't this soft rock station play Peter Framptons' 'Baby I love your way'? It really soothes my... huh. THAT'S a whole lot of zombies coming at me right now. Well, good thing I took that 'Zombies are coming one day you idiot' survival class. Time to turn this car lighter into a flaming nail thrower. Let's do it, Zombies."

It's hard to stay interested as well because without people around, zombies do nothing. They don't do anything! With no humans in sight, zombies just stand there, snarling and spitting, cracking their jaws and bobbing back and forth. Vampires form gangs and fight each other. Werewolves only turn into werewolves at certain times so when they are people they can go to work, have regular lives, go out for drinks. Anything!
"Man, my weekend was nuts. I went to a club, got loaded and took these two girls back to my house. They both passed out as we were walking in. One fell through a glass table, the other rolled back down the front steps. Crazy, man."
"Your weekend was nuts? Mine was INSANE. I turned into a beast and tore three families in half. It was disgusting. Worst part is I blew through my new Lacoste dress shirt. Well, not the WORST part, but that shirts ruined."
It adds depth to them. Vampires and werewolves can be characters. Zombies? Nothing. They either stand like they're waiting for a bus, or they run at you like they are trying to catch a bus.

Zombies don't talk, either. They can't carry a story. Vampires talk. Werewolves can talk. Not one word comes out of a zombies mouth. They don't talk amongst themselves or come up with plans as to what their next moves are. The only thing they've ever said is 'brains'. That's it. 'Brains'. For some reason, when people become zombies, they only say the thing that they want to eat. Only onset illness that happens with. Nobody gets type two diabetes and gets stuck on a verbal loop of one junk food.
"Sir, I have bad news for you. You have onset diabetes."
"Oh, no. Really? What do I...do....do....donut. Doooonut. Dooonutsssss."
"... They always start saying 'donuts' before I have a chance to tell them that all they have to do is take insulin. Oh, well. Glad I'm not a donut."
Now zombies don't even eat brains, so they don't say anything. They eat arms, legs, hips, hands. Everything. I guess it wouldn't make sense for them to say anything.
"Oh, no! A zombie!"
"People paaaarrrtsss! Peeeeeooople paaaarrrtttssss!"
"He wants to eat all of my parts! Ahhhhh!"

There is usually a virus that spreads, or something to that effect. In some of these movies, they have the audacity to not even tell you how that happened. They stay as vague as possible.
"How did this happen?"
"We're not too sure. It could have been a pigeon in India. Could have been mad cow disease. Could have been that guy who fell into the sewer system which is full of diseases and almost drowned. An EMT gave him mouth to mouth, then he kissed his girlfriend hello later that night, they broke up soon after and then both went on a mad tear of sexual exploits trying to get over each other. Could have spread that way. But, really, who cares? Let's just try to stop it."
"Well... I guess. We need to stop it regardless, but shouldn't we try to figure out where it came from? That could help us sto..."
"Hey! I said 'let's just try to stop it.' What I should have ended that sentence with is 'blindly'. Let's just to try and stop it blindly. Let's go!"

Zombies are not strong. They are not hard to kill. The only thing that sucks about them is that there are tons of them. Tons of anything would be hard to defeat. If ten thousand leaves flew at you, you're falling down. These movies would be the same if there was a hoard of kids running around. Do you think you could beat up or stop hundreds of kids that were trying to kill you? Doubt it.
"Huh. That school of children is foaming from the mouth and running right at me. Well, you want it kids? It's on! Kids are so easy to beat up. You jus..."
(Kids reach him. Beat him to the ground in a second.)
"Well, I spoke to soon. Tiny, sticky 'Dora The Explorer' shoes are crushing my head. I'm done!"

Zombies used to just walk, now they run at full tilt. Why? Probably because a walking zombie is boring and not scary at all. It's dragging itself down the street? Wow. Horrifying. Poison Ivy is scarier than this.
"Hey, man. Don't look now, but there is a zombie coming towards us."
"Is he walking?"
"Yeah."
"Cool. We've got at least twenty minutes. Not a big deal. So, back to what I was saying, I just did.... Ahhh! Ficus! Look out!"
"Noooo! I put my arm right in it! Oh, man. I'm gonna be itching for weeks. Oh, just so you know, the zombie fell down. He's trying to get up now. Doesn't look like it's working out. Continue your story."


twitter @nathanmacintosh

Same movies at the same times. Huh?


It doesn't happen every summer, but sometimes if you're lucky – like seeing a shooting star or seeing somebody refuse seconds at a buffet – you'll see it. And when you see it, you'll be shocked, wondering how such a ridiculous mistake could have been made. Two movies that are basically the same in theatres at the same time. How could this be? Does anybody here know the giant mistake they've made!?
"Hey, guys. Do you know that you have two of the same movie playing here?"
"Huh? No. There's no way."
"There is! Look! End of the world movie, and another end of the world movie!"
"...I can't believe. I'm calling Hollywood."
This summer, it appears to be Oblivion and After Earth. Not exactly the same, but close. One is Tom Cruise as a serviceman stationed on an abandoned Earth. Morgan Freeman is around doing something. The other is Will Smith and his son who crash land on Earth one thousand years after all humans have left the planet. So – not IDENTICAL, but two movies in theatres at the same time that are both about characters being on an abandoned Earth?

The posters for these movies even look similar. Tom Cruise head beside Morgan Freeman head. A broken down Earth behind them. Will Smith head beside Will Smith son head, a broken down Earth behind them. Which team will save Earth? Or get off of Earth? Or just deal with the broken down Earth that they have found better than the other team? This happens a decent amount. You'll go to the theatre and see a poster for a movie you swear has already been made.
"'Huge Mother's Apartment'? Huh. That sounds a lot like 'Big Momma's House'. Hmmm, the tagline for the movie says, 'This Movie Is Nothing Like Big Momma's House'. Well, I'm sold!"

Why would Hollywood put out two of the same movies at the same time? Maybe it happens because they want two actors for the same movie, and instead of telling one no, they just write one for him as well.
"You gave WHO the part? But I had promised it to this guy!"
"I'm sorry. I had to make a decision today. I gave it to this guy."
"Well, you're gonna be up all night writing another romantic comedy about two bus drivers because my actor has got to be in one. I promised! How can I promise him a romantic comedy about two bus drivers and not deliver?"
"Well how the hell will I write another romantic comedy about two bus drivers?"
"Different routes? Duh."
"...No wonder you drive a better car than me."

Maybe they just wanted to see what the movie would be like starring two different groups of actors. Ever talked with someone about what it would be like if Sylvester Stallone, or another actor, starred in Jurassic Park? Or some other movie? The ol' "imagine if Arnold was in Police Academy?" conversation. Hollywood is playing that game but actually putting the movies out!
"I've got a movie about magic that Edward Norton is going to star in. It's gonna be big."
"Huh. I wonder what it would be like if Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman starred in it?"
"What? But you haven't even seen the one with Edward Norton yet."
"And I'm sure it'll be great, but hey, Christian and Hugh! Change a few words in your script and I'll get them on the phone."

Hollywood could just be putting out two of the same movie to pit actors against each other. Maybe it's to see who can draw more money. Just put two actors in identical movies at the same time and see which one an audience will go to see.
"These are both very talented men. Who do you think audiences would rather see save a city from a meteor?"
"Huh. I'm not sure. We could put both of them in a movie about meteors and see which one does better at the box office?"
"Wait, make TWO movies about a man saving a city from a meteor, see which one does better at the box office, then reward the actor with the higher grossing film by putting him in ANOTHER movie where he saves a city from meteors?"
"...Do you have a better idea?"
"...You know what? I actually don't. Ah, it really upsets me that I don't."

From asking around, apparently this is done because one movie studio doesn't want another movie studio to have a hit movie that they don't have. So movie studios buy up any type of script that they know other studios have bought up. Your studio buys a script about demonic robots? Another studio will buy a similar script. What's ridiculous is that while one studio puts theirs into production, the other studio gets jealous and does the same thing.
"Huh, starting production on your 'murderous car in small town Iowa' movie starring Liam Neeson? Well, I guess it's time to start production on our 'vengeful motorcycle in medium sized county' movie starring Jason Statham. We'll see whose vehicle does better this summer."

There are many examples of these movies. Here are a few.

Deep Impact / Armageddon. In one movie, Bruce Willis lands on a meteor and blows it up. In the other, Morgan Freeman is the president and the meteor hits earth. One teaches you that Bruce Willis is a hard ass inside or outside the ozone layer, and the shows you that Morgan Freeman would not make a good President.

The Prestige / The Illusionist. One of these movies about magic stars Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman. Hugh can't figure out how Christian does his tricks and it is driving him crazy. The other stars Edward Norton where he uses magic to win the love of an old flame. Both out in 2006, both at the same time. That's too much magic.

Dante's Peak / Volcano. This pairing could be the best. In Volcano, Tommy Lee Jones lives in LA when a volcano erupts. I would say that he stops it, but how the hell do you stop lava? In Dante's Peak, Pierce Brosnan is chilling on Dante's Peak, which is apparently the second most desirable place to live in America. But it's about to erupt! What will he do? Use his good looks to look at the volcano and say, "Not today, eruption! See how good I look!"

Who knows what the next great pairing of the same movie will be, but you can believe that it's coming.


Twitter@nathanmacintosh
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