5 reasons men don't want to go to your wedding.

Summer time is wedding time. Tons of people feel that because it's warm outside, they are going to show their love for each other and get married. We'll, just so every one knows, men don't want to go. Just about never. Unless we're the best man, or a brother, and even then, probably not. Here are a few reasons why.

1. It's not at our house.
You want us to go to your wedding, but you didn't make it easy for us to get to it. It's hours away. Wait, it's a flight away? Are you serious? Haven't been on vacation in years, but we're gonna book a flight to your destination wedding? Most men don't want to go anywhere. 9 times out of 10 men would rather do whatever can be done outside in their house. If you WANT a man to WANT to go, bring the wedding to their house. If you call a man to come to your house, what's one of the first things he says? 'Why don't you come to my house?' Every time. Always. Without fail. Bring the wedding to us, we'll be happy to go. Maybe our kitchen isn't the best place to express your love for each other, but we'll be there.

"Hey, guys, thanks for getting married on my train to work. I really appreciate you not making me go out of my way. My stops next, so, hurry up and kiss the bride."

2. It's too far in advance.
You're in love, and will be for a couple of years until you start to hate everything. You decide to get married. Not today, of course, you have to plan such an event. So you decide to get married married in a year and a half. You send invitations to everyone you know. 'Save the date! Aug 16th 2017. It's gonna be great!' How the hell can someone know where they will be that far from now? How can someone other than you stay excited for something that long? That is two full calendars away! The best case scenario is that when the date does come around, our lives have so little going on that we don't have to cancel anything to be able to go. Men don't like to plan that far in advance. Most of us don't like making plans on a Monday for Saturday.
"6 whole days? Come on, man. I have NO idea what'll be going on then."
You want men to want to go? Book your wedding for tonight or tomorrow night. We're in.

"Yep. 'Chris and Sarah's Wedding. June 7th, 2017'. If I don't get it tattooed on me I'll never remember. Hey, you think you could put flames around it? That'd be tits."

3. We want to sleep with the bride.
Yep. It's out of the bag. We want to sleep with the bride. We've wanted to sleep with her the minute we saw her. She's great. Always smiling, always telling great stories. She once was getting out of a pool and a boob flopped out of her suit. Well, that cinched it. We want to see the other one. If we go, we're going to stand way to close to you when you take her garter off and throw it. We'll basically jump right in your face to catch it. Maybe even just go, 'Hey, I'll take that garter.' That won't look good, so we're staying away.

"I'm the man. I'm gonna go home and make love to this thing. Wait, no, that's not what I... I'm out of here. Thank you, Jesus!"

4. We want to sleep with the groom.

Yep. It's out of the bag. We want to sleep with the groom. We've been hiding it well, but we're actually gay. We've been looking at the groom for years now. He's always smiling. Telling great stories. He was getting out of a car one time in bike shorts and a ball fell out. Well, that cinched it. We wanted to see the other one. We do want to see him in that tux looking all cute, but we can't deal with the fact that he's marrying a damn woman! It's so hard to get a straight man to leave these women alone we've noticed. We won't be at the wedding, but we will be there to listen to all your 'Man, marriage sucks!' stories, hoping that you'll get drunk enough to take your pants off.

"Oh, marriage sucks, huh? Yeah, she's always on your back. Why don't you take your shirt off? It'll probably make you less drunk."

5. It's on a Sunday, and we can't wear sweatpants.

Your wedding is never in the middle of the week. Nobody books a 'hump day' wedding. There's no 'Tying the Knot Tuesday!' Always on a Sunday. Sundays are for chilling. Chilling is for sweatpants. Unless you have some sort of wrestling theme to your festivities, chances are we have to put on dress pants. Men don't like putting on dress pants on days that they want to chill. Dress pants are the opposite of chill.

"Now THIS is a wedding we can get behind! We're so comfortable and relaxed at this wedding. I wonder what the bride will be wearing? A Snuggie? Bathrobe? More champagne, please!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

6 reasons Breaking Bad is better than your relationship.

Breaking Bad has come back, and your relationship has never left. It's still here, being underwhelming. Could it possibly be that Breaking Bad, with its excellent writing and acting, could be better than your relationship? Yes, and here are six reasons why.

1. Breaking Bad doesn't complain.
Your relationship used to be really fun. The two of you would laugh at old lines from Dumb And Dumber, hold hands while going through airport security, and literally agree on everything. Now? Not the same. It's just complaining and disagreeing.
'This food sucks.' 'Oh, maybe you can order better.' 'Well, I wouldn't choose John's Pizza and Chess Board Repair Shop!' 'Get off my back! I wanted pizza and needed the chess board fixed!'
'I hate how I look.' 'You look great.' 'What do you know, stupid? You're an idiot. I look bad to strangers. Obviously I look good to a person who sees me everyday.'
'That guy's a piece of garbage. Why do you talk to him?' 'Because he's my DAD! I've told you that!'
'Why couldn't you get hard?! You don't find me attractive?!' 'It had nothing to do with you, okay? It's been a weird day.'
Breaking Bad doesn't do that. Breaking Bad is fine with the food you've ordered, your dad, and always makes you sexually aroused.

"I don't care if Breaking Bad wouldn't complain about it! Breaking Bad didn't just get called for a foul it didn't commit!"

2. Breaking Bad doesn't suck in bed.
When your relationship started, the sex was great. Sometimes you didn't even wait to get home from Chili's. You just did it right there in the parking lot on a burrito wrapper. Now? You wait until you get home from that Chili's and it is not worth the wait. Nobody brings anything to bed. No enthusiasm at all. During, you both start to wish you still had just one last bite of the Spicy Grilled Shrimp Tacos you ordered. Man, they were good. Remember when this sex used to be? Breaking Bad always brings it when you take it to bed. You lay down with Breaking Bad, and you know you're getting its A game. It's not gonna hold out on that move you love until your birthday. Breaking Bad treats every night likes it's your birthday. Except The Fly episode. That one doesn't care if it's your double birthday.

"Wow. Today's my birthday, not Labour Day. I would love to know what he's tired from. Under-delivering? I feel like I just lost my whole family in an accident."

3. Breaking Bad can't drive, but if it could, it would have picked you up when it said it was going to.
So you get drunk beyond repair and are thrown out of a bar head first by a man who looks like a failed wrestler. Your shoes blow off, its raining, and you're so drunk pizza guys won't even serve you. You call your partner to come pick you up. They say, "Of course," they'll be there in ten minutes. Fifteen minutes go by. Then twenty. So much time goes by you start to sober up. By the time your partner does finally show, you're not even drunk anymore. You just have a headache and want waffles. Breaking Bad wouldn't have done that. It would have picked you up in ten minutes while you were still good and smashed, and entertained you the whole way home.

"You couldn't pick me up before I fell into this pile of trash? Breaking Bad put my shoes back on, that's who. No, leave me here! I want to prove a point! Plus, I landed on some magazines that are comfortable."

4. Breaking Bad isn't pressuring you into marrying it.
You've been in your relationship for awhile, and you can officially say that it's serious. It's serious because there is no more fun attached to it. None. Fun has been replaced with, 'When are we gonna get married? I need to get married. I'm on a schedule!' What fun! Your partner's twenty nine, and her parents have been barking at her since she was twenty five to stop messing around and settle down. They call her and let her know when there is a jewelry sale at Macy's and that she should tell you to buy a ring. What a great text! 'A little bird told me that engagement rings are on sale. Hint hint.' A little bird told you this sucks. Breaking Bad, however, doesn't even care if you watch it. But when you decide to, it's right there, ready to accept your relationship for what it is. You don't want to watch its whole five years? Cool. You can even watch some seasons of 'Who's the Boss' if you want. Tell your partner you'd like to step out and watch another girls episodes. Just try it.

"Look, I just want to see ONE season of her vagina. That's it! One. I've seen fourteen seasons of yours. Is one so bad?"

5. Breaking Bad has five good years. You guys have had two good dates.
Yep. Two good dates. Remember those? First date you went bowling. A kid in the lane next to you dropped his chicken fingers, and your date bought him some more. You fell in love right there. He showed he's good with kids. Then, three dates later, he revealed his major drinking problem while you were on a wine tasting tour. He got loaded on a Merlot from Australia and starting cursing out the tour guide. The next two years went much the same. You loved him because of the chicken finger thing so you tried to help him. The only other good date was the one you had with yourself the day you finally got him to go into rehab. Breaking Bad has only given you one bad night. The Fly episode. Sure it wasn't great, but it didn't throw up on four bath mats that you bought.

"Sure, Greg, you look great without a shirt on. Jesus, can you get up? You get this drunk at your own parent's anniversary! No, God doesn't want some of your beer. Put it down!"

6. Breaking Bad doesn't argue with you in front of a bar. 

You're at a bar with your partner in the relationship that you can barely handle. You ask him if he wants another bowl of pretzels. He doesn't hear you. He then turns and says, 'Hey, I want to get some more pretzels.'  This is the fourth time he hasn't heard you.
"I just asked you if you wanted some. You didn't hear me? You never listen to me."
"What? I just didn't hear you. Whatever. I'm gonna get some wings."
"Wings? No way! You said you were gonna go to the gym. Real men have abs, not Cheeto dust in their stomach hair!"
"Oh yeah? Real men also don't date women they barely find attractive."
You snap. The bartender asks you both to leave. You go outside and continue screaming at each other, calling each other whores in front of a group of people who were enjoying cigarettes a minute ago, but now are enjoying cigarettes and watching you both yell and cry. Now, isn't Breaking Bad better than this? 

"Oh, Breaking Bad wouldn't argue with you in front of people?! Well, Breaking Bad probably wouldn't do a double take on the waitress! Why don't you ask Breaking Bad for a threesome, huh? Ask that whore BREAKING BAD!"

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

8 things a guy does that make you think he wants to be with you but that don't mean he wants to be with you.

So you've met a guy who you want to be with, and he has done some things that make you believe he FOR SURE wants to be with you. Are any of these the things? Then you might want to think again.

1. Sleeping with you.
So a man just put his business in your business. He wants to be with you, right? Wooooaaaaa. Slow down, 'what will our wedding song be?'. Two businesses colliding doesn't always mean good things. Remember the merger between Sony and Michael Jackson? Probably not, but it ended terribly. Michael thought Sony wanted to be with him because they put their business with his. He was wrong, and because of that, nobody heard 'Butterflies'. He's seen your butterfly, but it doesn't mean he wants it around him all the time.

                      "SONY told me at least TWO people would hear Butterflies! They lied."

2. You called your vagina a 'butterfly' in front of him and he didn't say anything.
So you're walking past a table you don't notice. Boom! You've slammed your vag into the edge. Hurt? Yes. But you can't just yell out, 'Ow! My vag! My goddamn vag!" in front of a man you've just started seeing. So you call it the name you've given it. 'Ow! My butterfly!' You pause, realize what you've done, and wait to see what his reaction is. He doesn't have one. You've just said the pet name you have for your vagina in front of your new guy and he didn't freak out! He must want to be with you! Woooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'time for a road trip to see if we're ready to live together'. He didn't say anything, but that doesn't mean he didn't think anything. He is NOT INTO that for sure. You think it's cute, sure, but what would you say if he smashed his junk in a car door and yelled, 'Ahhhh! My caterpillar!' ... Exactly.

      "Ohhhh! My magic rope! Ahhh. I don't know what happened. Still want to go to the theatre?"

3. Holding your hand in public.
So you're walking down the street with him, and he starts to hold your hand. In front of other people! In public! He must want to be with you, right? Woooooaaaa. Slow down, 'hopefully my dad will walk me down the aisle'. Women like men who are with other women. Women don't seem to be attracted to men who are walking the earth alone and depressed. He started to hold your hand to let other women around know that he's with a woman, which means he's worth being with. He's holding YOUR hand, but hoping that the girl with great legs locking up her bike notices.

            "Look, women of earth! I'm holding a woman's hand! You now find me dateable!"

4. Saying he wants to meet your friends.
So you're hanging out, and out of nowhere, he says he wants to meet your friends. He wants to meet your friends? He wants to know some of the people you've known your whole life? He must want to be with you! Wooooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'I always knew the right one would come along'. A man wanting to meet your friends does not mean that he wants to be with you. He thinks you're cute, so he wants to see if you have cute friends. Men like looking at women. You're a woman with access to other women. He's gonna want you to show them to him! Also, every girl has a friend of hers who she doesn't trust around men. He'd like to meet her.

     "Oh, THIS is your friend Sarah. She's nice. I can't understand why you didn't want me to meet her."

5. Saying, 'I want to be with you'.
A lot of girls fall for this one. The old 'I want to be with you' speech. Girls hear it and think, 'well, he for sure wants to be with me. He just said so!' Woooaaaa, slow down, 'we'll have blue wedding invitations'. Don't run off and get fitted for a dress just yet. What was the context when he said this? Were you laying naked in each others arms? Maybe he just doesn't want to have a naked argument. Being naked with a woman is supposed to be a good time, not a time to explain why you're not at a stage in your life where you can just commit to one person. Explaining yourself while a flaccid penis is floating around? Not a great time. Or maybe he said 'I want to be with you' while at dinner. Don't trust that either. He probably just wanted you to pass the breadsticks.

"Of course I want to be with you! Hey, do you mind passing me my phone? Thanks. Hello? No, man. I'm not busy. What's up?"

6. Saying he's not in this just for the sex.

He's seen you naked in every position possible, and you want to know if this is going somewhere. So you ask him if this is just for the sex. He looks you right in the eyes, and responds, 'No. I'm not in this just for the sex.' Oh, man! That's the answer! He wants to be with you! Woooooaaaaaa. Slow down, 'his and hers matching towels.' Any man who has said this statement has said it for a reason. Does Kobe need to tell you he can hit 3's? Does Bill Gates need to tell you he's rich? Nope. So why would a man whose not in it just for the sex have to tell you that? Because he is COMPLETELY in this just for the sex, and is trying to throw you off the trail. If he wasn't, he would have said, 'of course not, stupid. Now let's watch season 7 of Seinfeld again.'

 "In it for the sex?! No, I just suffer through that to get to the Maestro episode. Hmmm. Oh, nothing. Oh, you want to do it again? Ugh. I mean,.... Yeeeeaaaaugh."

7. Taking you to meet his parents.

'Oh, wow. I'm meeting his PARENTS. Meeting the parents is a big deal. He must want to be with me!' Wooooaaaa. Slow down, 'we're getting engaged'. Not everyone thinks their parents are cool or care about their opinions. To some, introducing you to their parents is a big thing. It's a 'mom, dad, here's who I love and I want you to meet them because I am close to you'. For others, it's 'Look, I don't like you, and you don't like me. But for some reason, this is supposed to be a normal thing so I'm doing it. I don't care if you like this girl or not. I still have unresolved issues with you, and she's here to be a reason to bail at any minute. I don't like how you spoke to me? She suddenly has to work in twenty minutes.' Now you've wasted a weekend talking to people that he doesn't care about. Worse things have happened.

"Wait, so he doesn't even like you guys?" "Would he have ran onto that highway when I said he should have stayed in school if he did? Ahhhhh. Well, this is awkward. So, what do you know about our son? We haven't spoken in years."

8. He asks you to stay in the middle of the night after sex.

So, you've had sex. It's 2am. You've never stayed over before, and he says, 'why don't you just sleep here.' Oh, wow! He just asked you to stay over! He must want to be with you! Woooooaaaaa. Slow down, 'time to order my train.' He watched the news that night and heard that there is a guy whose kidnapping women in his area. What happens if you go outside at 2:30 am and are thrown into some maniac's trunk? The cops will talk to the person who saw you last, the man whose house you just left. And what's he gonna say to them? "Ummm, I asked her to leave because I'm not ready for a relationship." Now he's being questioned about where he was the last four nights that women were kidnapped. His alibi is you, but you can't be reached because you're in the back of an Oldsmobile Cutlass that's heading to the dock where you'll be sold to human traffickers. Is any of this worth it? No. So stay over, but don't read too much into it.

"Look, I told you I don't know where she is. I just met her! I asked her to leave because my mother never gave me the love I needed so I don't know how to be open with women. Is THAT a crime?"