Nathan Macintosh

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on Conan, Late Show w/ Stephen Colbert, Just For Laughs

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

For bookings contact:

Don Buchwald And Associates:

New York Office

Conan Smith: (212) 867-1200

Filtering by Category: "pop"

"Is he sensitive?" "Isn't everyone?"

These days, people have become very sensitive. We all have to hear about when people are offended, and we all have to watch what we say so as not to make others feel bad. You can barely disagree with people without getting into a debate about feelings. You almost have to like things infront of people so that they don't feel bad.
"I really liked that movie. I thought it was well written and directed."
"I really didn't like it. Just wasn't very good."
"What? But I liked it. Are you trying to say that I'm dumb because you didn't like something that I liked?"
"Umm, no. Just for me, I didn't really like it."
"But I said I... did. By societal standards, you have to say that you liked it in the presence of me, so that I don't feel as if I like something that shouldn't be liked. Do you understand?"

People have become so sensitive that a lot of times, if someone questions something they say, they'll change their opinion. Change their thoughts right there, just so as not to offend the other person's beliefs.
"Can I have a muffin?"
"A muffin?"
"Well, actually, you're right. A bagel."
"So a bagel?"
"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I'll have whatever morning pastry you have that you will not repeat."
"What? You want a treat?"
"I'm leaving."

There was a point in time when you could call someone out for being wrong. Now you're not supposed to say anything because you'll hurt someone's feelings. So instead of disagreeing, you're supposed to pretend it wasn't said, then talk about it later.
"You know, dolphins live in the Amazon rainforest."
"...Huh. I didn't know that. Okay, well, I have to go."
"Can you believe that complete idiot thinks dolphins live on land?"
"Look, let's just get home, okay? I can't even comprehend what was just said."
Now, for some reason, if you disagree and you call someone out publicly for what they say, you're the jerk.
"I really liked the game Twisted Metal. I loved using Sonic the Hedgehog."
"Sonic wasn't in Twisted Metal. You must be thinking of Sonic All-Stars Racing."
<GASPS>
"John, there's no reason to be rude. If he says he used Sonic in Twisted Metal, then he did."
"What? I'm not trying to be rude. You just can't use that character in that ga..."
"I... can't... I just have to... goodbye, guys. Enjoy the... rest of your.... ahhhhh!"
"See what you did, John? You made him cry. You called him a liar and made him cry!"
"Let me go talk to him."
"Why? So you can tell him that he's not crying because of you, and he must be thinking about something else? You've done enough!"

Another thing that happens because of this sensitivity – celebrities will say something, voice their opinions, sensitive people freak out and less than TEN MINUTES later, said celebrity is apologizing. Happens time and time again. Lead singer of Green Day freaked out on stage because he thought he was being lit early, broke his guitar and pretty much apologized as he was coming off because others were upset by it.
"Hey! We don't think you breaking your guitar was right!"
"...You're right. I apologize. I'm currently still breaking my guitar, but I apologize. I will finish destroying this thing, and my God, I'm sorry about that."
Stevie Nicks said that she thinks Nicki Minaj should strangle Mariah Carey. People got upset, she apologized. Who the hell cares what Stevie Nicks says? Who cares if Nicki chokes Mariah? Why the hell does any of this matter? It matters because people are crazy sensitive and actual thoughts cannot be stated.
"She should be punched in the face!"
"That is offensive to me, the faceless masses!"
"Oh, well, you're right. I take it back. Thirty seconds ago I was really going through something. Now, though? I'm fine. Thank you, and I DEEPLY regret my words."

It seems sometimes that people go out of their way to be offended. People leave their houses, trying to find something to be upset about. 
"Hmmm. A poster about cat food. Off the top, I'm not at all upset about this, but I'm sure if I scrutinize it, I can find something. 'Feed Your Kitty Something Pretty'. Hmmm. Nothing there. The cat is standing, staring at me. That seems to be oka... wait! Cats don't stand, they lay down! This gives an unrealistic view of what cats do. What if someone has never had a cat, sees this and thinks that all they do is play all day? No! This cannot stand! I'm upset!"

People are so sensitive now; they'll get offended on behalf of someone else, even when the thoughts are justified.
"My roommate was masturbating with his door open! That's insane! I have to kick him out."
"Kick him out? Come on, man. Isn't that a little harsh? Maybe he's going through some stuff."
"Going through some stuff? Well add 'Roommate Wanted Lists' to what he's going through. He's out!"
"I just think public masturbation is a cry for help."
"...Didn't you say yesterday that you hated this guy and that you wished he fell into a tire fire?"
"Yeah, and I do. But kicked out? That's too far."

You can't say really anything without offending someone. Nothing. But people still try to have opinions, while also trying to appease everyone.
"Look, I'm just saying that show is complete trash. No disrespect to the writers, actors, director, lighting guys, production team or the network that plays it, but it's HORRIBLE. I mean, I think all of these people are probably talented, but they deserve to die. No offence, but man, just terrible. My thoughts are with their families."

How the hell can you do that? How can you have a negative opinion about a group but then say, "No disrespect." When did that change anyway? There was a time when you WANTED to disrespect.
"Hey, full disrespect here. You chew your food like a sick camel."
"Ouch. That hurts. Didn't you mean, 'No disrespect'? That way, it's just harmless criticism and allows me the decision to alter what I'm doing or keep it the way that it is."
"Oh, I know that. That's why I said full disrespect. You need to know this. You chew like all of your teeth are kicking."
"...Like all of your teeth are kicking... no disrespect?"
"Full, man. Full."

Movies come out and people get offended. What, do you want these people to run by their projects with you before they make it? They have to ask everyone on the planet what they think of it and if it's offensive? If that were how things worked, nothing would EVER get made. Nothing. Ever. Nowhere.
"Oh, see. I liked it here until he killed his wife. I just don't think that's right. I mean, why would he do that?"
"The movie's called 'He Kills His Wife'! It's a major plot point!"
"Well, I just don't think it's needed. Couldn't he just sit her down and talk out their problems? That's what me and Gerry would do."
"She sold him out to the mob for fifteen thousand dollars! Would Gerry ever do that to you?"
"Oh, heavens no. And if he did, I'd kill him."

People are so sensitive they can read a tweet, be offended by it and want the person who wrote it fired. Fired! For a 140-character thought. Get out!
"Wow! He said he doesn't like gay people. He has no control in this world, he doesn't run a cult, nobody is willing to die for him, he's not a president, CEO, owner of anything, but I don't think he's allowed to say what's on his mind. Fire this man! Light this man on fire! He deserves all of the bad that comes his way!"
It's funny that a man's intolerance is met with no tolerance whatsoever. We're sensitive to the words they use, but not sensitive to the punishment that should happen to them.

How do people think they can actually walk around the earth and not be offended? What puts you at that level that nothing in this world should ever rub you the wrong way?
"Sexually suggestive rap music? How the hell did this get in front of me?! Does this clothing store not know that I'm the Assistant Manager to the cashiers of TD Bank? I don't need this garbage in my life! I want people to think I'm sophisticated!"
I'm not offended by much, and when I say that, I mean that I don't get offended by things most people are offended by. You know what offends me? No swearing in horror movies. People coming to a dead stop while they are walking down a busy street. The ads in New York that tell people not to let the mayor tell them how much pop to drink. Okay, so don't listen to the mayor. Listen to the company that makes money when you buy more of this trash. If you want to be 'free', bring your own container. Don't let anyone pick a size for you!
"Will that be small, medium or large?"
"Actually, the bed of my Ford F-150. No kid who can sweat through a wool coat is going to tell me what to drink out of. I'll pull around back. And put my fries in this shoe box while you're at it."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Coca Cola/Soda Pop. Open Happiness?



Coca Cola is something we all have had. Since we were kids, it's been something we have wanted to drink, something that has been shown to us on TV, and something we have craved for reasons we don't even know. We've all had it as kids, unless you had parents who didn't have it around at all.
"Kevin! Get that out of the house! Now eat this eggplant and drink this tomato juice."
"But mom! The other kids are all drinking Coke!"
"There are no other kids, Kevin! We live in the woods and I homeschool you!"
The reason I am only really talking about Coca Cola is because they are the biggest company. Even when Pepsi does advertise, their entire campaign is always just, "We taste better than Coke." I mean all pop/soda in general, but Coca Cola has to be one of the worst things that this planet has ever seen as far as human health goes.

Coca Cola’s slogan does not represent that, though. What do they go with? What is the beautiful marketing campaign that they decide to throw on the world? 
"Open Happiness."
Happiness. Open happiness! The gall! The arrogance! How are best friends, anti-depression pills and therapists still in existence when happiness is just a plastic bottle away?
"Ya know, I just can't seem to not be depressed. I was fired from my job because I was spending too much time with my wife. Then, my wife left me for my job. No joke. She is now sleeping with my copy-editing job. You believe that? I'm just so sad."
"Unhappy, huh? Well, open this Coca Cola. You will literally be opening happiness."
"Oh, wow! I feel great! Joy is surging through me! This is amazing! Is this as expensive as you are?"
"God, no, actually waaaaaay cheaper. I am two hundred an hour. The Coca Cola is one dollar."
"One dollar! Holy hell! You're fired! Thanks, 'wife-left-me-for-my-job' forgetting-liquid!"
"...I have to stop telling people about Coke BEFORE I get paid. Oh well, I'll just have a sip... yep, I'm back! Happiness right here!"

You ever see someone pushing a cart full of two liter Cokes? How happy does that guy look? Sweating and panting through an air-conditioned grocery store pushing something that's on wheels. Look how happy he is! He should be in the commercials!
"Ah, I am the happiest person <inhales puffer> on the planet. I have twelve bottles of… <takes insulin needle> Agh! Twelve bottle of Coca Cola, and I couldn't be happier. You should all buy... " <Collapses on the floor. Doctors run in.>
"He's not breathing!"
"Get me a defibrillator!"
"Clear!"
<Doctors put the defibrillator to his chest. Man is jarred awake.>
"...Agh! Should all buy Coke! I know I'll keep doing it! Open Hap..." <Man passes back out.>
"That's it, we've lost him."
Voice Over: "Open Happiness!"

Coke knows, though, that that guy won't sell product, so what do they do? Beautiful women are shown drinking Coke. Cute kids are shown drinking Coke. Or – even better than that – polar bears! That is an ingenious way of marketing.
"Wait, we can't show HUMANS drinking this. Are you serious? It's terrible!"
"All right, all right. What about an animal drinking it!? People love animals! What about... polar bears?"
"Are you insane? Polar bears are going extinct! We can't give them carbonation. That'll be it for them!"
"Oh, you're right. People will never buy our product if we're killing polar bears with it. Wait! I got it! How about computer-generated polar bears?"
"...Wow. Now THAT'S why you were voted Most Evil at the Annual Billionaire Awards."
"That and kicking baby seals... hahhaha!"
"HAHAHHAH!"

Coke Cola is a 'Proud Sponsor of the Olympics'. The Olympics! Ahead of broccoli and water? Coke! A commercial will show a guy just crush a hundred meter dash, beating his previous record, then drink Coke. As soon as that commercial is done, you know his trainer is screaming.
"Spit that garbage out! Are you crazy!? We have a real race tomorrow!"
A baseball league full of ten year olds can run on Coke. An Olympic athlete? Not one trainer would have that as part of a regimen.
"What are we doing today, coach?"
"Couple of laps, few sit ups, and polish off that two liter."
"Umm... you know we're competing against pros, not Joes, right?"
"Do you know that I'M the trainer? DRINK THAT HAPPY COKE!"

Coca Cola also likes to go on about how refreshing it is. There is no way someone can tell me that Coca Cola is 'refreshing'. Refreshing? No way. Has anyone ever finished a marathon and reached for a Coke?
"Oh, God. I never thought that race would be over. My mouth is so dry. Where is one of the most sugary, carbonated beverages in the land to help quell this thirst?"
"Really?"
"Yeah. I said 'my mouth is dry'. I need refreshment. REFRESHMENT. What would you suggest if not a black liquid for such a predicament?"
"...Water? Or even Coke’s cousin..."
"THERE'S NO SUGAR IN WATER! REFRESHMENT!"

Coca Cola is cheaper than drugs and just about as addictive. The government decided that cigarettes were no good for adults or children for that reason. Way too addictive and easily obtained by people. What did they do? Put them behind a cabinet.
"If people can't see them, they won't want them!"
"Hey, can I have some cigarettes? I can't see them, but I'm addicted and therefore know they exist."

Coca Cola should be in a cabinet, too. It'll kill people! If we can't sell cigarettes to people without ID for fear it would hurt their health, we should have to check people’s medical history before they can buy Coke.
"What's behind that cabinet, sir?"
"Coke... if you want one, I'm gonna have to see your medical history."
"Here you go. <cough cough>"
"Says here you constantly have headaches and have trouble walking. Come on, buddy. Don't worry about what's back there. Can't help you."

I will never let my kids drink Coca Cola. When I have a kid one day, if I see them drinking one, I will boot the Coke out of their hand.
"Oww. Dad! Why did you do that?"
"You'll thank me when you can still breathe correctly at forty-two."

Coke profits by hurting and capitalizing on poor people. Do you think the people in charge of Coke are drinking Coke? Do you think rich people are drinking Coke? 
"Can you pick me up a Coke when you're in the Louis Vuitton store?"
"A Louis Vuitton Coke?"
"They have those!?"
"Oh, I hope so! I just got myself excited!"

I know that people will say, "If you don't like it, don't drink it." I don't, but that's not the point. People will also say, "Well, of course it's bad for us. If you drink a lot and get sick, that's your problem. Stop drinking it!" Why has Coke and things that are bad for us been able to make people who have no stake in the company defend them? Why always, "Stop drinking it, tubby!" Why aren’t there more arguments of, "Coke’s the problem. Let's burn the factory down! There is nothing good about it!" I can't be mad that poor, unhappy people buy a product that is marketed directly to them and sold at a price that is lower than dirt. I can however be mad at the company that makes it. 

Twitter- @nathanmacintosh
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