I'm not sure where sweatpants are ranked in the world of pants, but
no matter where that may be – they are under rated. Even if they are
rated number one.
"Number one? Come on. Who voted on this? They got robbed!"
some reason, we are made to believe that there are only two types of
people who wear sweatpants. Either really athletic people, who run all
the time and go to the gym, or really obese, racist people, who run to
buffets and work out at the gym of hate.
"Hey, you're wearing sweatpants. Do you try to keep in shape?"
Do I look like I try to keep in shape? You don't need to be in shape to
wave the confederate flag... You're only supposed to wave it three
times anyway before you break into a coughing fit... right?"
people look at sweatpants as gross, disgusting pants that are only worn
by huge, grossly obese people who love wrestling and racist comments.
Slam that guy onto that dirty wetback while I drink forty-two ounces of
Coke and crush these chili dogs! Ahhh! I think my heart just got put in
a Sharpshooter! Ahhh!"
People also think of sweatpants as pants worn by personal trainers who haven't had an ounce of sugar in four years.
operate on a level of two percent body fat. If I reach anything higher
or lower, I die. I also throw up pretty consistently when training
people like you. What is your body fat level? Forty-two percent?
Jesus... I can barely... stand... here... (<throws up>)."
"Do you have to throw up on the treadmill? I was going to run on that."
"You... run? (<throws up>)."
has a pair of sweatpants. Or at least they should. If you don't, here
are some reasons why you might want to re-think that.
are amazing for long flights. You spend thirteen hours in a flying bus,
pretty much stuck in a seat that a Chihuahua would feel claustrophobic
in, there's someone always on an intercom telling you what you can and
cannot do, so is this the time to get out clothes that are restricting?
"Honey, where's my tie? I'm about to get into a box and I want to look my best."
"Really? Are you dying? I know I'm going to die if I have to wait another day for you to fix the sink."
"Look, the water drains, okay? Just get off of my back. I'm flying and I want to be as uncomfortable as possible!"
"Uncomfortable? Why didn't you tell me? I'd love to help with that."
"Why are we still married?! This feels like the seat I'm about to sit in for half a day!"
If you are flying for a long time, you can try to look your best, but your face will look its worst half way through.
Are you okay? From the neck down you look as though you are about to
tackle a meeting. From the neck up you look like you are about to tackle
a bed after drinking whiskey."
"Huh? Yeah. This flight is really hurting my fa... Really? You think I'll crush this meeting?"
"Sure. Just lead with your suit. Put your jacket over your head."
are also amazing for sitting at home. There is no reason to wear
anything else in your house. Walking from room to room. Making food.
Watching TV. What else would there be to wear in this situation?
"Man, I can't make chicken. My velour suit is filthy! Well, I guess I'm not eating."
Unless someone is coming over, there's no reason to have anything else on. And what if that person comes over in sweatpants!
"Hey, man. How are you?"
"I was good a minute ago when I thought we were hanging out. I wore sweatpants!"
"We're hanging out. What are you talking about?"
am I talking about? You're wearing jeans, man. Jeans! How can you
really sink into a chair and enjoy Left 4 Dead in denim?"
"I was thinking about sitting erect."
"...I have never been so offended."
have the ability right now to be comfortable when we want to be. We
should take advantage of this as much as possible. Not a lot of other
times in history has that been a thing. Pioneers, I bet, would have
loved some sweatpants. After a long day of cutting down trees, hunting
for food, building the place where they would sleep in. Do they really
want to sit around a fire, drinking moonshine, wearing wool pants?
"Victor, you really shoed that horse properly today."
you. He kicked me half a dozen times, but I'm a man, and men at this
point in history do not complain. Time to relax. We only have two hours
until we have to get up and do it all again."
"Yes. I really
wish I had something comfortable to sit in. After sixteen straight hours
of work, these wool pants really do feel awful."
"Is that complaining I hear? Are you not a man?"
can even use sweatpants to hold things. Hold things such as computers.
Weird? Yes. I, though, for years, used sweatpants to wrap my laptop when
I traveled. Why? Not sure. I didn't want to buy a computer case. So I
didn't. I wrapped my computer in sweatpants, which was great for two
reasons. One, my computer was safe. Two, I would have sweatpants when I
got to wherever I was going.
"Huh, my computer still hasn't
broken AND I have comfortable pants that wouldn't have fit in my
luggage. Can people wear THEIR computer sleeves when they're are not
holding a computer? I think not."
can also be tapered. Does anyone know how great this is? Tapering? So
you don't walk on them? So that they don't fall down? It's great! You
can't really have this on any other pants. I've seen them on jeans, but
it looks strange.
"Why do your jeans hug your ankles like that?"
"Oh, they're tapered."
"... Are you going to run in your jeans?"
"Tapered pants are usually only tapered for athletic activities."
"Oh. Well. I did not know that."
are also pretty much the only pants that don't need a belt. They are a
self-sufficient pant. Elastic waist, or better yet – a string you can
tighten. They can be worn as soon as you get them. When you buy
sweatpants, you are given everything you need with them. Regular pants
are really no good without the accessory.
"Well, I just bought
some pants. Now to put them on. Damn! I forgot to buy the other thing
that is mandatory to have with these. I can't put a piece of string
around my waist. People will think I'm crazy! If only it were socially
acceptable to wear sweatpants to a funeral. Well, I guess I'll just have
to pull my jacket down far, and keep my hands in my pockets so these
pants don't fall down. Sorry, uncle Jerry. I tried."