Zombie Movies. I can't.

I haven't seen too many zombies movies that I've liked. 'Night of the Living Dead' I think is a great movie. 'Dawn of The Dead' was pretty fun. 'Walking Dead' was something I couldn't get into. An entire show about people running from zombies? It's hard to give a two hour movie about it a decent amount of attention. How can I keep caring for six years? But even though I've never been a huge fan of them, I saw the trailer for World War Z and was interested. It looked as though it would be a bit different from normal zombie movies. Went to see it, and within fifteen minutes was reminded of why I'm not interested in these movies.

One of the things I can't get over, is that for some reason in zombie movies, people just know what to do. One minute, people are driving to work, everything in their life is zombie free. They woke up a bit late, didn't have time to eat anything more than half a bagel, have to sit in a meeting they don't want to be in. Then, bam! Zombies attack! And without even a thought, they snap right into 'zombie apocalypse mode'. Kicking zombies in the face, running them over, shooting them in the head with guns they've found and probably never used before. Calm as hell. No screaming. No freaking out. Jut an easy transition.

"I can't believe this traffic. I'm already late. And why won't this soft rock station play Peter Framptons' 'Baby I love your way'? It really soothes my... huh. THAT'S a whole lot of zombies coming at me right now. Well, good thing I took that 'Zombies are coming one day you idiot' survival class. Time to turn this car lighter into a flaming nail thrower. Let's do it, Zombies."

It's hard to stay interested as well because without people around, zombies do nothing. They don't do anything! With no humans in sight, zombies just stand there, snarling and spitting, cracking their jaws and bobbing back and forth. Vampires form gangs and fight each other. Werewolves only turn into werewolves at certain times so when they are people they can go to work, have regular lives, go out for drinks. Anything!

"Man, my weekend was nuts. I went to a club, got loaded and took these two girls back to my house. They both passed out as we were walking in. One fell through a glass table, the other rolled back down the front steps. Crazy, man."

"Your weekend was nuts? Mine was INSANE. I turned into a beast and tore three families in half. It was disgusting. Worst part is I blew through my new Lacoste dress shirt. Well, not the WORST part, but that shirts ruined."

It adds depth to them. Vampires and werewolves can be characters. Zombies? Nothing. They either stand like they're waiting for a bus, or they run at you like they are trying to catch a bus.

Zombies don't talk, either. They can't carry a story. Vampires talk. Werewolves can talk. Not one word comes out of a zombies mouth. They don't talk amongst themselves or come up with plans as to what their next moves are. The only thing they've ever said is 'brains'. That's it. 'Brains'. For some reason, when people become zombies, they only say the thing that they want to eat. Only onset illness that happens with. Nobody gets type two diabetes and gets stuck on a verbal loop of one junk food.

"Sir, I have bad news for you. You have onset diabetes."

"Oh, no. Really? What do I...do....do....donut. Doooonut. Dooonutsssss."

"... They always start saying 'donuts' before I have a chance to tell them that all they have to do is take insulin. Oh, well. Glad I'm not a donut."

Now zombies don't even eat brains, so they don't say anything. They eat arms, legs, hips, hands. Everything. I guess it wouldn't make sense for them to say anything.

"Oh, no! A zombie!"

"People paaaarrrtsss! Peeeeeooople paaaarrrtttssss!"

"He wants to eat all of my parts! Ahhhhh!"

There is usually a virus that spreads, or something to that effect. In some of these movies, they have the audacity to not even tell you how that happened. They stay as vague as possible.

"How did this happen?"

"We're not too sure. It could have been a pigeon in India. Could have been mad cow disease. Could have been that guy who fell into the sewer system which is full of diseases and almost drowned. An EMT gave him mouth to mouth, then he kissed his girlfriend hello later that night, they broke up soon after and then both went on a mad tear of sexual exploits trying to get over each other. Could have spread that way. But, really, who cares? Let's just try to stop it."

"Well... I guess. We need to stop it regardless, but shouldn't we try to figure out where it came from? That could help us sto..."

"Hey! I said 'let's just try to stop it.' What I should have ended that sentence with is 'blindly'. Let's just to try and stop it blindly. Let's go!"

Zombies are not strong. They are not hard to kill. The only thing that sucks about them is that there are tons of them. Tons of anything would be hard to defeat. If ten thousand leaves flew at you, you're falling down. These movies would be the same if there was a hoard of kids running around. Do you think you could beat up or stop hundreds of kids that were trying to kill you? Doubt it.

"Huh. That school of children is foaming from the mouth and running right at me. Well, you want it kids? It's on! Kids are so easy to beat up. You jus..."

(Kids reach him. Beat him to the ground in a second.)

"Well, I spoke to soon. Tiny, sticky 'Dora The Explorer' shoes are crushing my head. I'm done!"

Zombies used to just walk, now they run at full tilt. Why? Probably because a walking zombie is boring and not scary at all. It's dragging itself down the street? Wow. Horrifying. Poison Ivy is scarier than this.

"Hey, man. Don't look now, but there is a zombie coming towards us."

"Is he walking?"

"Yeah."

"Cool. We've got at least twenty minutes. Not a big deal. So, back to what I was saying, I just did.... Ahhh! Ficus! Look out!"

"Noooo! I put my arm right in it! Oh, man. I'm gonna be itching for weeks. Oh, just so you know, the zombie fell down. He's trying to get up now. Doesn't look like it's working out. Continue your story."

twitter @nathanmacintosh

Halloween and horror movies.

When I was a kid, I hated Halloween. Didn't like any of it. I didn't like feeling pressure to have a good costume. Then, when you got one, having to wear a winter jacket over it so you wouldn't freeze to death walking from house to house asking for candy.

"Trick or treat!"

"Ooohhh. What are you supposed to be?"

"Freezing! Give me the candy so I can put my hands back in my pockets. Really? A handful of candy corn? You ever eat one of these? Thanks for nothing."

I also never really liked the Halloween parades. Remember the Halloween parades? When you had to bring your Halloween costume to school and walk around the gym in the circles while people look at you?

"Hey, kids, you know how being twelve sort of makes you feel that you don't want to be put on display? Well, tomorrow, you have to dress up in your Halloween costume and walk around in circles with your peers! And if you don't dress up, you can sit on the stage and be looked at by all of the people who DID dress up. See you tomorrow, young fragile egos!"

Also, since I brought it up – candy corn is awful. There is no way that should have been given to kids. It should be used to wake up people who have been knocked out.

"What are you doing out there, kid?! You're getting your head punched off!"

"Sorry, coach. I can't see anything."

"Damn it! You need your eyes, kid! Here, have one of these."

"...What the hell was that?!"

"Candy corn, kid. Candy corn! Get it in ya!"

"It's the worst thing I've ever tasted!"

"But how ALIVE do you feel! Take out that awful taste on that tomata across the ring, kid! RUN OVER HIM!"

It should be on the list of things to stay away from during Halloween.

"Parents, be warned to check apples for razor blades, unwrapped candies for poison, and candy corn. If you find an apple with a razor blade in it, take the razor blade out and enjoy the apple. If you are given candy corn, throw it away instantly, and alert the authorities to the whereabouts of the inhuman person handing that to your children."

"Arrested for what?! All I did was hand out delicious candy corn!"

"Admitting to the crime, huh? Oh, you're done, buddy. Handing it out to children. Kids! You disgust me."

Candy corn was not wrapped. No wrapping at all! People would just have it loose in bowls in their house. It was dropped into your bag uncovered, by a hand that was also uncovered.

"Here you go, kids. Here is some unpackaged candy from a stranger."

"Well, did you at least wash your hands? I know it's the 90s, but still."

"Wash my hands? You knock on my door for free candy and you have the audacity to ask me if my hands are washed?! Leave right now, before I take the eggs you were going to throw at my house when I close the door, and egg you in the middle of the street."

I didn't like Halloween either because I didn't like being scared. And I got really scared as a kid. When I was about five, I walked out of my room one night and snuck into the living room. My mom was watching 'Child's Play'. I watched some of it, the possessed doll Chucky murdering people, and was horrified. Not that this doll was killing people, just the disgusting, angry look he had on his face when he did it. Once I saw that movie, I was too scared to be in a room alone. I would follow my mom everywhere.

"Mom! Where are you going?"

"I'm going to the kitchen. It's right there. We live in an apartment. You can see me."

"Don't go! I'll be murdered if you go!"

"There is no way you'll be murdered without me knowing. Look, I'm six steps away! Chucky would have to be the greatest ninja who ever lived to murder you in front of me without my knowing."

"Agh! Chucky's a ninja? I'm dead!"

I had nightmares about that movie for years. In one of them, I'm in the passenger seat of a car with my mom. She goes into a store and leaves me there. I turn to look at the car beside me, and at that same time, Chucky is in the other car turning towards me. We look at each other, and both scream. Then I would wake up. That scared the hell out of me! I told someone that when I was in grade four, I think, and they didn't see the problem.

"Maybe you just saw your reflection. You know you do look like Chucky, right?"

"How do I look like a murderous doll!? I'm a human being!"

"A human being with red hair. Chucky has red hair. Do you see? Come to think about it, you're scaring me."

Now, though, I love Halloween. I've seen too many horror movies to count. Horror is one of the best genres that there is. Why? Because they either scare you which is fun, or they are so ridiculous that it's laughable, which is even more fun.

"Whoa! That demon just got an apartment to be closer to the person it wants to torture. Why in the hell would a superintendent rent to a demon? That is hilarious!"

There's no real genre that gives you two chances to be completely entertained. What other genre can offer you that? If a drama isn't engaging, it's never hilarious.

"Man, this movie about a woman's journey from being cheated on by her lawyer husband to leader of a corporate empire is really not told well. The scenes of her crying are pretty funny, though. Good thing there are a ton of those."

The acting in horror movies doesn't matter at all. If the actors are bad, whatever, the movie will just be funny. For some reason, it's just horror movies and porn that can be filmed with people who couldn't deliver a line on their best day.

"Okay, so in this next scene, you have sex with your entire temp agency."

"Gotcha. So my motivation is that I'm a hotshot business exec who has balls of steel. Is there an acting coach on the set? I want to be believable."

"Believable? Do you have a dick? That's all we need from you. We will have one shot of your face. Your line is, 'Hey, if we don't crack a window, I'll have to take my pants off.' Actually, we just had a re-write. You don't say anything. Not with words, anyway. Let your dick do the talking... You do have a dick, right? This will be in a COMPLETELY different section if you don't."

I have honestly never laughed harder than I have at horror movies. A lot of horror movies are funnier than comedies that come out.

"This summer, the funniest movie you've seen in years. 'Cheerleaders From Hell Murder Single Mothers With Their Own Children'! It's a laugh-a-minute riot!"

'Saw' was probably the funniest movie that came out in 2004. The overacting, the ridiculous camera angles. It was hilarious! What was funnier that year? Shrek 2? The Incredibles? No way.

"And the award for Best Comedy goes to... Saw?"

"Thank you, thank you. You know, when our lead actor delivered the line 'If I don't get to a hospital, I'm doing to bleed to death!' in the ridiculous over-the-top way that he did while holding his foot that had been "cut off" as you could CLEARLY see his foot under a cloth? I knew we had this award in the bag."

I went to see 'Saw' in a theatre and during the movie people started laughing. The entire theatre chuckling except for one guy, who literally yelled, "Hey! I'm into this!" I have NEVER heard a theatre laugh so much after him yelling that out. To this day, when I think of that man yelling, "I'm into this!", I laugh, because I would love to know the rest of that guy's night.

"Guys, you really have to see 'Saw'. It's so scary! The other three hundred idiots in the theatre didn't think so. They laughed through it! I must have been in the only theatre with a bunch of Jeffrey Dahmers. How could you laugh at that? A guy has to cut his foot off! Man, horrifying. Hey, don't change that commercial. I'm into it!"

Twitter @Nathanmacintosh