Nathan Macintosh

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on Conan, Late Show w/ Stephen Colbert, Just For Laughs

You can find show dates, Videos, Blog, Instagram, Twitter, Album 'I Wasn't Talking', and Podcast 'Positive Anger'

http://apple.co/1XJ7raY

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Filtering by Category: "Nathan Macintosh"

Holding yourself back.

I believe a lot of us are guilty of this. I am. I almost stop myself from writing and putting out these blogs every time. Would it really matter if I did? Yes and no. The world itself wouldn't mind too much. That's not a sad statement, just is. But I would be upset with myself. Because I stopped myself from putting out something that I wanted to put out. I stopped myself from creating something because of what others would think, not think, what's been done before. So on and so on. It would matter to me if I didn't, because it would hurt knowing that I held myself back from doing it for whatever reason.

A lot of people want to create something. A lot do, but even more stop themselves. Why? One reason, fear that it won't be any good. That one doesn't make too much sense, because the thing you're doing probably won't be good right away. That is just a given. It's supposed to be bad. But should you not do it for that reason? No. If everyone did that, we'd have nothing. We probably wouldn't even have chairs.
"I'm thinking of building this thing for people to sit on. I don't know, though. It might not work."
"Yeah. don't even bother."
"You're right. I don't want to make something that breaks. Or worse, something that NO ONE uses. Let's go do nothing ever and not try."
People who create things have doubts about it as well, but they still put in the effort to do it.

Some people stop themselves out of fear about how what they are creating will be perceived. Just put out what you want to put out. At some point I'm sure people told George Lucas that Star Wars sounded like an awful idea. There might have even been a point where it sounded dumb to him.
"What the hell was that thought I just had? A guy with a microwave on his chest is the father of some other wiener? And there's a big ape thing, and some weird robots that have a very strange relationship to each other? Am I going crazy?! People are not gonna want to see this! Well, I'll write it anyway and see what happens."
You just do it. You just start doing it. The people you've created in your head who may or may not like this probably don't exist. Who are they? Who are these people that are waiting for you to create something that they can destroy? You're probably making them up!
"People are going to hate this thing I want to make."
"What people? Where?"
"The people! The people out there! The people that also have doubts about their own lives! They're gonna hate me!"

Seems to be the difference between people who create and people who don't is trying. Just trying and doing. The difference between an author and someone who wants to write a book, is that the author did. That's really it. They started and kept writing. Were the first things they wrote good? Probably not. But they kept doing it, and now they have a book or books. They tried. If you are someone who wants to write books and doesn't, are the people who do some sort of mystic creatures who have a power to churn out a book without thinking about it? Could be true. More realistically they work at it a ton. Either way, no matter how they do what they do, it doesn't mean that you shouldn't do what you want to do.

People also hold themselves back by comparing themselves to others. By looking at what another human has, wanting it, and for some reason thinking that person is either more deserving, or because they have it you can never have it or do it or be it.
"Ah, god. Look. That person has exactly what I want with my life. And they have it NOW. I'll never have it."
"Why not?"
"Um, duh. Because THEY have it. How can TWO people both be video game developers in that company at the same time?"
"They have hundreds of developers."
"Geez, way to make me feel worse!"
It doesn't matter what other people are doing. Other people being successful does not mean that you can't be. Thinking that's true is just holding yourself back.

There are many ways one can hold themselves back. Not thinking they're worthy. Not thinking they are talented/beautiful/smart enough. Whatever the case may be. But you have to fight that.
"I can't do what? Suck me, brain! I'm doing it!"
'Suck me, brain!' is not for everybody. You can come up with your own phrase. May I suggest 'blow me, bud'? Or, 'Yo, go down on me, frontal lobe!'? Whichever one you feel comfortable with. Don't hold yourself back!

Godzilla.

I waited for awhile to see this movie. The first few trailers made it look like it was going to be a serious take on Godzilla. I avoided all trailers after that. I didn't want to see what Godzilla looked like before I saw it. A couple days before the release, Youtube made that hard, running a banner on their homepage that had Godzilla screaming in your face. Okay, well, it's just his face. Go to see the movie. Sitting there, before the previews, there is a Fiat commercial. And who is the celebrity they get to sell this thing? You guessed it. Godzilla himself. In full form! He eats a Fiat, chokes on it, dies, and the car drives out of his face. So before the movie, right before it, Godzilla is no longer a surprise because he's selling me a Fiat. I don't even understand that marketing.
"Looking for a new car. Something that is tiny enough to fit in a monsters mouth, but wide enough to get stuck in his throat and kill him, then small enough to drive out of his mouth when he dies."
"Have you heard of the ... Fiat?"
"I have. I thought that was just for Italy. Or clowns. Or Italians clowns."
"Nope. It's for ANYONE who wishes their cubicle had wheels."
"... Did you just call the Fiat a cubicle with wheels?"
"Did I just knock two hundred dollars off the sticker price?"
"I'll take it!"

The movie starts. Here comes Bryan Cranston. Love this man. For most of this movie he looks like Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire before he becomes Mrs. Doubtfire. That's what I kept thinking, anyway.
"Maybe when Godzilla shows up, he'll dress up as a nanny to stop him. WHEN Godzilla shows up. Wait a minute, where the hell is Godzilla?"
Godzilla, as only the King of the Monsters can, shows up later. A bunch later. Like a whole episode of The Wire later. What comes before him? Some other monsters. Which I thought was great! A thing you think is going to be Godzilla, turns out to be another monster that is here to murder. Pretty cool. One strange thing to me is that the trailers were sort of misleading in that regard. Godzilla was the prominent one in the trailers. I had no idea there were other monsters. Which is cool. I suppose the studio wanted to keep that a secret, but it's a little sad when you want to see some Godzilla smashing and hurting things.

Why is it sad? Because Godzilla ain't here to destroy. Godzilla is here to protect. Even thought years ago the United States dropped nukes on him and tried to kill him, Godzilla waits in the earths core until another monster appears, then he wakes up and smashes that monster. He's a detective in a way. He's a giant, underwater Batman here to restore order.
"Swear to me!"
"What did you just say, Godzilla?"
"... Rooooaaaarrr!"
And what's sort of strange, is that even though Godzilla comes out of the ocean to protect earth, to stop these monsters because he is the only one that can, the United States Army is STILL trying to kill him! They are shooting him, throwing missiles at him. Tanks are unloading in his face. Friendly fire, guys. Just because he's not wearing an American flag does not mean he's against you. Godzilla's got a lot to deal with. Two monsters that want him dead, and the American military that know he's there to help but still want to fire their guns. I'm sure at points Godzilla wishes he could speak english.
"Jesus, can you not see I'm fighting two giant beats that feed on nuclear energy? Do you REALLY think it helps me when you shoot me with that AR-15? I'm too big to even feel it! It's just annoying. Do you WANT to have an earth anymore? I can go back in the ocean and pretend I didn't hear these monsters. Is that what you want? Huh? Then stop shooting me!"
"Sir! Sorry, Godzilla, sir! You're just big and scary and I have an automatic weapon, sir!"
"Hey, man. I get it. You think it's easy for me in this body? There's NOTHING for me to have sex with. Let's just work together here, okay?"
I do like this movie. It was fun for what it is. I do have a couple of thoughts, though.

I think movies have to find a better motivator for a man than his wife dying. We get it. At one point in time, your wife dying was the worst thing that could happen. But now? The divorce rate is fifty percent. There's no way that men can still be driven to such things when they're wife dies. Bryan Cranston in this movie spends fifteen years trying to figure out exactly what happened to his wife. Fifteen years! And he's still passionate about it! I can believe in Godzilla more than I can that. Had his wife not have died in the movie, stats say they might have gotten a divorce on screen anyway.
"Woa, honey. Look at the news. There's a monster coming out of the ocean!"
"Look at the news? Look at the garbage! I asked you to take this out two days ago!"
"God dammit. Again with this garbage nonsense? There's a earth beast coming to eat us!"
"I'll tell you what it won't be eating. Dinner. In this house. Because there's no point in making it! Not if there's no place to throw out the leftovers."
"What in the hell does THAT mean?"
"It means the garbage is full, and you NEVER finish what I make anyway, so I'll have to throw it out, but where? Where 'radiation master' of Japan? Tell me that!"
"You've always resented that I got this job in Japan. Well tough fortune cookies, honey. It puts food on the table!"
"I don't even think these people are japanese! They speak english better than we do with very minimal japanese accents."
"DON'T TALK ABOUT MY CO-WORKERS LIKE THAT! They are strong, hard working people who I can speak fluent english with in their native country and then throw in some japanese words whenever I want!"
"I want a strong, hard working divorce!"
"Fine!"
In the movies, you kill a mans wife, he'll go to the ends of the earth to find you. In real life, you kill a mans wife, good chance he's remarried or at least moved on within three years.

I also like that there's a scene where Godzilla is fighting a monster, and you can clearly see people in an office working. That's how rough these office jobs are. Whole city has been evacuated, and the President of some company won't let his employees leave.
"We have to evacuate!"
"Evacuate my bag. We have to finish this merger."
"There's monsters outside!"
"Outside? There's monsters at the ground level that want my job! I didn't get to this position by running away every time a little 'state of emergency' was issued. Get accounting on the phone. And order chinese! We're gonna be here as long as it takes."

Also, why do monsters in monster movies always want to have kids? There can't just be monsters that want to destroy? It happens in horror movies. Jason Vorhees isn't trying to have kids. Michael Myers will just kill a kid. In movies dedicated to monsters though, that's usually the reason. Reason can't just be that they are monsters? We gotta give them a human element? Most humans in North America now don't even want to have kids. The movie should be people trying to convince the monsters why that's a bad idea.
"Kids? Are you giant things serious? Think about all the free time you'll lose. You won't just be able to fly from here to Japan anymore if you have kids to worry about. And you can FORGET having a social life. Just forget it. Right now I can literally do whatever I want. Why? No kids! Think about it. And please don't eat or kill me."
Or maybe that was the point of the movie. To show that people who want to have lots of kids are monsters.

Again, I had fun with this movie. It's not as serious as the first trailers let on I don't think, but if you see it in the theatre you'll have a good time. I wish it had had some more Godzilla, but hey, I'm still doing alright.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Family fights!

I was home for a couple days and went to visit family. I'm not one of the people who has a perfect family. I'm not sure anyone does, but now I really just consider a family perfect if they don't fight during a meal at Denny's. You can sit down with people you've known since you were young, watch them eat pancakes and not bring up some event that happened ten years ago? Well sir, you are part of a perfect thing in my eyes.

Personally, I don't have that perfect family. There are a lot of fights about a lot of things. Things happening right now. Things that happened in the past. Things that haven't happened but should still be argued about incase they were to happen. It's pretty much a constant over the last few years. And really, I don't know what there is to be done about it. Not sure you can ever just sit down and say what has really gone wrong over your lifetime. What has happened to make people react the way they do in certain situations. That doesn't seem like an option.

It seems everyone says that their family is messed up. Everyone says that their family is crazy, or insane, or that they don't get along. What's strange to me, is if this is true, why when a non perfect family does argue in a diner over some omelettes, do the people around them get so strange? Why do they get tense, and talk about that family as if they are crazy? If everyone's family is nuts, is it REALLY that big a deal?

In public, people put on a front. People walk around showing others that THEY are normal.
"Look, we've got it together. Even though we were just screaming at each other over an iPad, we need to show that we are not those type of people. So, here we are. Walking and not talking to each other because we're pissed, but you can't tell that!"
For some reason, we all decided years ago that when we are in public, around other people who are messed up, we were going to show them that we are not.

Even seeing other families argue, we pretend as if what they are doing is nuts. People get tense, start pointing or secretly talking to each other.
"Look, look, look. Not right now! They're looking. Behind you. You hear that? They're arguing about some cousin in their family whose a piece of trash. Just like we've done a bunch of times. What a bunch of nuts. Arguing in public like just about everyone ends up doing at some point in time. Glad I'm not them, even though I am."
Why did we all decide this rule that we have to look perfect or totally put together for people we don't even know? Do we REALLY care what an usher at a movie theatre thinks of us? Does it REALLY matter if the person at the B

We should allow it to happen. We should cheer it on. We should encourage it because we are all going to be there and have been there.
"Yeah, scream at that kid! I was just yelling at mine the other day, and I'll be doing it again soon. Good for you for letting it out!"

We shouldn't go out of our way to fight in public, but if it happens, and when it does the rest of us shouldn't act like we can't believe that it's happening. As if we have no idea why a mother and daughter would get mad at each other. Or why a family driving across country will pull into a gas station just screaming at each other. Why would that happen? We know damn well why! Because sometimes people you are close to make you angrier than anything else ever could. Traffic can never make you as angry as a family member could. Imagine if the cars in front of you were members of your family just beaking at you.
Honk! Honk!
"Come on, move it!"
"Move it? Really? You're going to talk to your mother like that? After all I've done for you?"
"Well what are you doing in the middle of the street?"
"Ah, again. Never 'nice to see you, mom', 'I've missed you, mom', just anger all the time."
"I'm gonna lose my mind!"

What's really crazy, is we all pretend that arguing is weird, but when any of us run into a family that doesn't argue at all, we think they are the craziest people of all. Are they a part of a cult? Did they have a lobotomy when they were kids? How the hell do you never fight with people you've been around your whole life!
"Myself and my family never argue. We come to logical conclusions about our disagreements over tea and cookies."
"Alright, Dahmer. I'm not sleeping here tonight."

When you see a family arguing in public, don't look at them as if they're insane. Just be thankful that currently it isn't you, because you know that day is coming around again.
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