Nathan Macintosh

Album 'To The Point' out now everywhere! 8 Tracks. 21 minutes. Debuted #1 on Canadian iTunes and #12 on American iTunes!

Website for comedian Nathan Macintosh! Seen on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon, The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Conan on TBS and Just For Laughs!

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Filtering by Category: "Dark Knight Rises"

Why do opinions/thoughts/words hurt so much?

Right now on this planet, everyones opinions are easily heard, and we seem to be the most sensitive we've ever been about bad opinions. We have the most technology we've ever had to hear everyone's opinions, and when someone says something we don't like, which is bound to happen, we jump on it. Most of the opinions we don't like come from people who would clearly have them, but we get upset regardless. With all of this technology, why do we think that every opinion we hear would work with us? Do we actually expect all opinions to be good? Nice? Or to follow what our beliefs are?
"Now that I am able to hear easily what everyone is thinking, I'm sure it will be a peaceful experience that follows my belief system. Whoa! What the hell is this? This guy doesn't like pro-wrestling? Is he a complete piece of trash!? I cannot believe how angry I am!"

Opinions have a ridiculous effect on people. Huge. Critics who said they didn't like The Dark Knight Rises had death threats sent their way. Death threats! For saying that a movie wasn't very good – death threats! I didn't like it. Send me a death threat. Bane's story was completely stolen from him, Catwoman didn't have a story, and Robin's first name is not Robin! It's an alias. Bruce Wayne's full name is not 'Batman Bruce Wayne'.
"Oh, hey Bruce. You should go by your first name, Batman."
"You're right. I should. Could you shut up about that for right now, though? Just give me my prescription and I'll leave."
These critics, whose job it is to critique, can't have an opinion on a movie they are supposed to critique? What is wrong with the planet? 
Every opinion has to align with how you feel?
"But... but... I LOVED this movie. How can this be? Someone who doesn't live inside my body, has lived a different life and has different feelings towards things, how can they not feel the same way I do about such a film? I... I just don't... get it. He should die!"

One topic that has come up a lot in the last few years is women being funny. First of all, just to say, I find PEOPLE funny. I find some PEOPLE not funny. Men and women. My thought is, why can't someone think that women aren't funny? Adam Carolla said that women aren't funny and people lost their minds.
"Women are funny! There are lists right here! Look! This is a list of funny females! Are you stupid? Can you not read? LOOK AT THE LIST!"
So this man doesn't find women funny. Why do people care what he thinks? Why! And why is he not allowed to have an opinion? Does everyone have to find women funny? Magically, some men just don't like women. Probably men who would partake in something called "The Man Show", where the end credits ran while women in bikinis jumped on a trampoline, and there were segments where a man wore a suit that shot beer out of a penis onto women. Everyone on that kind of show thinks women are equal and therefore could be funny? Really? Do you think every man in the KKK finds Eddie Griffin hilarious?
"I don't care what nobody says, Eddie Griffin is just not funny. I've given him a chance, the old cyclops chance, but I just don't like him. Why? No, it is not because I don't believe black people are equal to me. It's because I just don't think he has actual jokes, and he relies too much on act outs... Naw, I'm kidding! It's cause he's black!"
I wasn't an Adam Carolla fan before he said this, and I'm not after, but I think he's allowed to have an opinion.

Daniel Tosh came under fire for joking about rape. A woman yelled to joke about rape, another woman said, "No, rape is never funny." Tosh said, "Wouldn't it be funny if five guys came in right now and raped her?" Now, when you read that, it is crazy harsh. It's weird to type. In the moment in the comedy club, it is different. Obviously for the woman who was offended, it was not and she left the room, which she is entitled to do. I believe, though, that a high percentage of comedians would have said something completely similar. It's not a joke about rape, it is an offhand comment made about a huge issue to try to get laughs and straighten out what has just been said. Funny? That is an individual thing. Should he be allowed to joke about it? Yes. Should the whole world blow up at a man because, in his opinion, making that joke is all right? I think it's a bit much. People lost it.
"He should lose his show! He should be broke! He shouldn't have fans!"
People were angrier with him joking about rape than they get about actual rapists. That seems to be a bit of a problem. An actual rapist who rapes could get six years. Joke about rape, lose your show. Rape someone and potentially destroy his or her entire life, get six years in jail where you can go to school for free and then be let back into society. JOKE about rape and you might lose your show, fan base, and the world hates you. Does this make sense to anyone?

There are cases of rape all the time. It is disgusting. Why, though, if we are going to completely tear a man apart for joking about it, are we not continuously screaming about the actual offenders? It should be a trending topic everyday.
"Yep, rape is still trending. We should really figure this out. I mean, why are all of these happening? Wait! What is this? A comedian who tells jokes at a comedy club, which is a club designed for jokes and comedy about any topic on the planet, jokes about rape at a comedy club that is designed for jokes by people performing the comedic arts in the exact place they are supposed to be jokes about rape?! I couldn't be any angrier with this! This man has just raped my brain with his complete lack of decency! How could he?!"

The man in North Carolina who said that gay men should be put inside a fence until they die. He uttered this completely ridiculous opinion to the world. Was that a shock to anyone? A religious nut from the south doesn't like gay people?
"Wait just a minute! I know he doesn't think women are equals, or that sex before marriage means you're going to hell, or that masturbating is a sin and you'll burn in hell for all eternity for saying the Lord's name in vein. All of that I'm fine with. But this completely level-headed man thinks gay people should live in a cage!? Well, this is just shocking! I am taken aback, flabbergasted, and any of the other verbs to describe this feeling of breathlessness. Yes! I'm also breathless!"
It's the job of a lunatic southern preacher to hate. It's on the application!
"Do I swear that I will be intolerant, ignorant, and offensive with my thoughts to people outside of my church? I'm checking yes twice!"
Being mad at a ludicrous southern preacher for being ignorant is the same as being mad at Ray Allen for shooting threes.
"What the hell is he doing? Hitting threes like that?! Come on! No! Kick the ball, Ray! KICK IT!"

People have also lost their minds over the opinions of the President of Chik-fil-A. Does it matter what the president of a fast food company says? Seriously. A fast food company! He's not in power. He doesn't sit in UN meetings making decisions. He sells gross chicken to sad people. Does a man who has had to fire someone because they didn't wear a hairnet really have enough power to stir world issues?
"Sir, you put chicken on a bun and sell it to people in sweatpants. What are your thoughts on Syria?"
"Syria? Well, I think it's a horrible disease."
"Whoa! This Chik-fil-A chicken-biscuit-selling-man doesn't know that Syria is a place! How do you even work the fryers here, stupid? What is your problem? And why do I ask you such questions anyway?"
We're taking what he says seriously?
"I think we are inviting God's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say 'We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage and I pray God's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to redefine what marriage is about'."
This is one of the things he said. First of all, once you bring God into an argument, everything you say after that should be considered null and void. Personally, I love listening to someone's views when they start it with: 'This is how God feels'. What's funny is, if he had used any other fictional character, let's say a dragon, people would just think he's crazy.
"I think we are inviting The Dragon's judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at said Dragon and say, 'We know better than you, Dragon, as to what constitutes marriage, and I pray the Dragon's mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant, and non-dragoness attitude to think that we have the audacity to redefine the thoughts of marriage the Dragon has given us'."

The president of the company also donates lots of money to anti-gay groups. Groups that try to perpetuate lies that being gay makes people pedophiles and things like that. This is awful, but again, this could only work with far-gone religious people. You couldn't put up a sign in Times Square and have regular people who want good for the world believe it.
"That was a great trip into the M&M store! I can't believe they have the yellow one in a disco suit. Oh, man. That is great. Time to hit th.... whoa! What is this! A flyer. Hmm, pretty official already. And it says that gay people are learning how to grow wings out of their backs and steal kids! My dear sweet ice tea! Until this 'government issue yellow piece of loose leaf taped to a light post with words written on it in marker' flyer, I had no idea the gays were up to this. Now? My eyes are open! Thanks for handwriting this message of truth, hero!"

Also, and this is just a random thought, but do gay people even want to eat at Chik-fil-A? I mean as a whole? It seems like the perfect place for overweight religious nuts. They don't seem to be going to the opera. Is that a place that the gay community would like to call its own?
"Okay, we have theatres, stage shows, night life, fun times, reading, good music and dressing well in our repertoire, but I feel we are missing something."
"What about greasy chicken in a bun, really gross fries to go with it, and also an atmosphere that you would never want to hang out in for more than five minutes due to the fact that it could bring you down for three straight months?"
"Are you talking Chik-fil-A!? I was going to bring that up myself! Then it's settled. Chik-fil-A is in. Tonight on my way to the opera, I'm getting a chicken sandwich. I'll feel terrible in my seat for three hours while watching art. Bravo, meeting!"

Am I wrong to say that gay people and religious nuts seem to need each other like Batman needs Joker? The two seem to work off of each other. Religious nuts need the gay population to be able to push the views of a ridiculous/scary book. Gay people seem propelled by religious nuts telling them they are wrong to become stronger. Without each other, both parties seem to have nothing to fight for.
"Today, we're gay and we want respect-ay!"
"...You have it. Religious nuts decided that their God was wrong and that people should be able to do whatever it is that they want."
"...Oh. Um, okay. Well, can we still defiantly march down this street naked blaring music? I mean, we're already here."
"Of course! Go for it! Turn it up as loud as you want and get as naked as you can!"
"...Hmph. Guys, I don't know about you, but I just don't feel like fighting now that we don't have to."
"Yeah, me neither. So... do we just return the floats?"
"I'm just going home. I... I'm just speechless."

Any group that is going to fight needs someone to fight against. The gay pride parades are amazing things to see. People strongly showcasing themselves to the world with fervor. Why is that? Because there are people on this planet who don't think they should be allowed. So what do they do? Stick it to them! And it's great! Ever see a Shriners parade? Is it an over-the-top thrill ride? No. It's awful. Why? Because nobody hates the Shriners, so they are not putting on a parade in spite of anyone.
"I just don't agree with their lifestyle. Strange purple hats with tassels. Old as hell. Driving carts. I mean, they just rub me the wrong way! Do they have to do their Shrinery garbage in public? Down with creepy old men in polyester asking for change! DOWN WITH THEM!"

There was a point in time where you could have an opinion and it didn't matter if it went with everyone else's. In the old days, if you had an opinion that the general population didn't agree with, you wandered the earth alone until you died, or lived in the woods next to a riverbank. You weren't put on the front page of a newspaper.
"Extra, extra, read all about it. Man says he believes all children aged six and up should be forced to get full time jobs!"
"Well, I never! That is disgusting! Instead of ignoring this lunacy, I will spend hours reading about it, working myself into a frenzy with friends, and basically putting my life on a standstill."

Words can hurt, but with words so accessible, we should try not to let them hurt as much as they do.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Trailers for the Dark Knight Rises

Movie trailers are a constant in this world. I love them. I wish that before a movie played, instead of the celebrity trivia they show, old trailers were played.
"In what year did Jennifer Aniston first say, "No, I'll have salad instead of fries", thus making her bankable as an actress for years to come?
A. 1998
B. 1969
C. 1987 or
D. Inside her mother’s womb with a well-placed kick?"
"I don't care! Play the Back to the Future trailer!"
I think trailers are great. But there are some trailers that are incredibly useless. In this case, trailers for The Dark Knight Rises. Are these useful at all? Trailers for a movie so anticipated that I'm sure people would miss their kid’s baptism for it? I don't think so.

The Dark Knight Rises is so long awaited and known about, that trailers for it are ridiculous. We know about it! We have known since the end of the last movie in 2008. The ending to that movie was a trailer itself for this movie. A four-year-old trailer! That is the only trailer that is needed! We knew a series could not end that way, so we were anticipating another movie.
Was there anyone who thought that a Batman franchise would end with Batman speeding away out of Gotham City? Was there anyone who thought that was a possible ending?
"Well, what a movie. I guess that's it then. Batman is going to hit the beach for a few years. I wonder if he'll take his mask off on the surf. Gotta be hot in there on a cold day, but in the sun? Whoa. I don't envy the guy. Well, yeah I do. He's got gadgets and can fight and is pretty badass. But that suit? It's gotta be boiling. Have a good vacation, Batman! Way to stop The Joker."

Trailers are used to entice people into seeing a movie. Completely useless in this case. Who out there who has seen the other two is on the fence about seeing this?
"Man, I don't know. I loved Batman Begins; The Dark Knight was one of the greatest things I'd ever seen, but a third one? Geez, I just don't know if I have that kind of excitement to give. I mean, I spent it all on the last two! I haven't been excited for anything for four years. I had a kid – it didn't even faze me. I won the lottery – I yawned! I'll have to see some trailers to spark my interest and hopefully get some excitement back."
If you need a trailer, you don't deserve to see this movie. That should be part of the process of buying a ticket.
"Welcome to the theatre. How did you hear about The Dark Knight Rises?"
"Oh! I was on YouTube and I watched a trailer and it looked really neat!"
"Did you know about it beforehand?"
"Nope, that's why I'm excited there was a trailer. I mean without that, I'd have no ide–"
"Sorry, sir. You can't come in. See, there are real fans out here – ones who have been waiting since July 20th, 2008 to see this movie. They don't need any, "I only kinda want to be here"s in their theatre."
"...But I have money. I really want to..."
"Your money is no good here, sir! It takes a level of dedication that you simply do not have. I suggest you back away or buy a ticket for Madea’s Witness Protection."

Also, why would anyone want trailers? Is there nothing to be said for going into a movie you are excited to see and not knowing one thing about what is going to happen or be seen? Does anyone remember the trailer for Jurassic Park? It was amazing! There was a puddle of water, some stomping noises, a giant T-Rex foot stepped in the puddle, then a roar and that was it! Jurassic Park! It was amazing! Who the hell needed more than that?
"Hmmm, so it's a movie about dinosaurs, but what are they DOING? I mean, is it a movie with TALKING dinosaurs? Do they have jobs? I don't know. I'm not sold."

I don't understand why anyone would want a trailer. You're going to go, it's going to be great, why ruin that?
"I can't wait to see this movie! But I'd also like if for every month for five months, I was shown a different two-minute compilation of the movie, so that slowly but surely I can see the whole thing before I go. If only they had started showing trailers three years ago, then I could have seen the whole movie in annoying, two-minute chunks!"

Why do these trailers need to show so much? Why! Why show anything? We're going! You got that, Nolan? We're going! I cannot stress this enough. Doesn't matter if you just sent people from town to town yelling in the streets.
"Dark Knight is now here. Hear ye, hear ye – Dark Knight is out! Gather ye young'uns and head down the road to your nearest CinemaTech. Will be a righteous time, wouldn't you say? What what and all that."
We'd be going. We'd go if there was no mention of the release date at all, and one day we were just walking by a theatre and saw that it was out.
"Holy hell! I had no idea! I'm skipping work right now! I'll pick my kid up later! My friend can help himself move! That meeting can exist without me! I'll go to that wedding tomorrow! My wife can drive herself home from that operation! I'm going to this movie!"

And if you are going to show trailers, why not keep the same type of trailer you had for the last one? The floating bat shape with a few words being said, a Joker laugh, and then the date? Why not the same for this one? They did have that and then they decided that wasn't enough.
"I don't know if the Bat Signal floating into focus, Batman’s clear, audible voice speaking, Bane saying 'I will break you', and Alfred saying something 'Alfredy' is enough for people. Will they even know what it is? What if they mistake this for another Madagascar movie?"
"The Bat Signal can only mean one thing. Batman!"
"Yeah... I get that, but... I don't know. I just think we should spell it out a bit more, ya know? Really hit home what movie this is."
"...It's called The Dark Knight Rises! It has the Bat Signal! What the hell else could it be?"
"Look, just to be safe, let's just show the last scene of the movie in its entirety, credits and all, so that people will know for sure it's Batman."
"That's it! I quit! You have pushed me to quit."
"Sooo I get my way then? Goodbye, trailer hoarder! Don't let all the trailers I'm going to show hit you on the ass on the way out!"

The best part is that the trailers are completely useless because we would go no matter what they were. ANYTHING could be shown to us and we would go.
"This summer, the trilogy ends. Batman faces his toughest opponent yet. Bane. But before that, he has to face an old love that will not die. He hangs up his bat suit and picks up... a baker’s uniform! That's right. Before Bruce Wayne’s parents were killed, the young boy always thought of becoming a baker.
"Heat up the oven, Alfred. I feel a marble rye coming on."
This summer – The Dark Knight Rises... Bread."
People would still go see that! I guarantee it.
"Whoa, that looks completely awful. But, man, I'm two-movies deep in a three-movie franchise. I'd be an idiot NOT to go! If Batman puts cake batter in Bane’s serum pack I'll puke, but I will finish that movie."

Not knowing what is going to be in a movie at all can be great. I was told about Cloverfield by a friend. I hadn't heard anything about it.
"Do you want to go see Cloverfield? It's a monster movie and in the trailer the Sta–"
"Yes! You're damn right I want to see that!"
That's all I needed. Monster movie. I loved that movie, and one reason is because I was excited by concept alone and had not seen one second of it before I went in! I didn't have one of those moments where I remembered what I had seen already.
"Nice, the part that I watched on my phone two months ago! It for sure looks better here on a bigger screen. Oh, there's the part I watched on my iPad on the train. Man, it's sure great not to have a man’s crotch in my face while watching it. Oh, wait! Here's the part I watched over that guy’s shoulder in line at McDonalds. It's sure great to see it without someone yelling, 'What the hell is wrong with you, man! Stop breathing over my shoulder!'"

What is their reasoning for Dark Knight trailers? Are they upset that not every human on the planet saw that last one?
"You know, the last Batman movie we put out was only seen by three quarters of the planet."
"Jesus, that's it?"
"I know, gross, huh? What do you have to do!"
"I am both insulted and shocked. Even outraged! Let's have more trailers for this one! Maybe that was the problem. If the tribesmen of New Guinea don't buy tickets, it'll be a waste! I want penguins buying tickets for Christ’s sake! Every mammal, reptile, man, woman, child, born and unborn will see this! Also, see if we can put movie screens in rocks and send them down to New Guinea. And for God’s sake, put some theatres in the 
Antarctic for the penguins! They'll buy tickets and then have nowhere to see the movie. Have you even THOUGHT about the penguins?!"
"Ya know, I hadn't! How dumb was I. I was missing that penguin money!"
"It is a very valuable dollar."

I understand making trailers for movies that no one knows about. For instance, the movie that just came out, Savages. Savages hasn't been a comic book since the forties. It isn't a movie franchise. We didn't grow up loving it. It makes sense that they need to let us know about that movie. But a movie like The Dark Knight Rises? Come on. I have been nothing but angry to see trailers or hear people say, "Man, you gotta see this part with Bane." I'm going to the goddam movie! I'm convinced, all right! I need no more convincing. I was convinced as soon as it was announced that it was coming out.
"We are pleased to announce that in 2012, there will be a new Batm–"
"Nice! I'm there!"
"You didn't even let me finish."
"You said 'Bat', brother. Wooo! I'm in! Can I get a ticket now?"

I think that if you are seeing another movie, and if before it they are going to play a trailer for a movie like The Dark Knight Rises, they should let people know about it. There was a trailer for The Dark Knight Rises before The Avengers. Let people know you are going to show a trailer so we can leave!
"Ladies and gentleman, before we show you The Avengers, we are going to show a trailer for The Dark Knight Rises. If you like enjoyment on any level, some degree of surprise, and don't live your life based off of things written in 140 characters, we suggest you leave the theatre now. 
However, if you hate surprise, love opening presents on December 21st and think 210 characters is far too long, feel free to sit and continue never letting your friend finish a story until he trims it to 'Twitter length'."

Every trailer for this movie is useless, but if they have to do them, here are a couple that could have been done and not ruined anything in the movie. How about just shots from the last movie?
"Hey, remember this? One of the greatest things ever, huh? Well, we made another one! Come on down!"
How about just berating the audience? Just a black screen with someone talking down to us.
"Yo, loser. How the hell are you? Look, your partner's ugly, your kids are stupid, but you know what? This weekend we're releasing a new Batman movie we made! Does that help the depression subside a bit? Kill yourself! ...After seeing this movie."
Or even a complete attack on us?
"Fuck you! ...The Dark Knight Rises. July 20th."

Also, am I the only one who is a little nervous about this movie? I expect it to be good, but I dislike that Bane is not alone in this. Bane’s story is second only to The Joker. Why must Bane always be saddled with someone? Why can't he have his own story? It makes as much sense as Spiderman 3.
"You know, Venom is pretty much the coolest character that Spiderman faces."
"I know! I'm really excited. Let's throw in the Sandman as well."
"What...? Why? Venom is strong enough and cool enough that he could be in this movie on his own."
"I'm really not convinced. Let's throw another character in there to help him out."
"Nobody has been waiting to see Sandman! Since the franchise started, people have been waiting for Venom. He has one million Twitter followers!"
"Ahhh, I'd like to trust you, but does Venom come in at night and help you sleep? Does Metallica have a song called ' Enter Venom'? Nope. Sandman stays."

And to be saddled with Catwoman? Catwoman! I'm nervous. I would only really be happy if they showed Catwoman as Batman was driving down the street.
"Hey look, there's Catwoman!"
"Whoa. Happy I didn't stop. All right, onto fighting real threats."

Twitter @nathanmacintosh