When I first saw Anderson Cooper, he didn't have a smirk on his
face. He was talking about the Iraq War. He was talking about
a huge world event on CNN, which is supposed to be a trusted
news network, telling me it in a trustworthy newscaster way.
this is a very serious topic I'm discussing in a very serious and
professional way. There is no way you could watch this and think that I
could giggle at will."
The last time I saw Anderson Cooper? He was having his business stared at by Kathy Griffin on New Year's Eve.
you are staring at my package. There is no way that I cannot giggle at
this. I am about to commence now. Here goes. Giggling."
say that I truly do not understand Anderson Cooper. What is this man
about? Is he someone who can just fit into any role that he's put into?
Is he someone who wants to express every side of himself on TV? Is he a
man who, due to his family ties to very wealthy people, wants to show
the world that he doesn't need that security and is quite capable of
doing anything he wants on his own? I do not know. And I do not have
anything against him, I just don't understand him.
Cooper's CNN show, AC360, is a very serious news program. It's not a
show you would watch if you were looking for laughs.
feel like watching something upbeat. Do you want to toss on Anderson
360? I hear tonight he's talking about women's rights in India. Always a
laugh riot, this guy."
For ten years now we have seen him in
this role. For ten years we thought we knew about Anderson Cooper. He was a man who cared about the world. A man who went to the
Middle East, Africa, and Haiti, where he was shown on camera carrying a bloody child out of rubble. We had a
pretty good idea about him.
"You know, I trust this guy. He
went to Iraq and personally reported the news. He didn't sit in an
office. He went to the action! There's no WAY that he would have a
daytime show where he gives away Pringles. No way!"
But then that
man's worst fears came true. Anderson Cooper started to host his own
daytime talk show, Anderson Live, and sometimes, gave the audience
Pringles. His show at night was about real world events, and on his
daytime talk show he was asking ditzy celebrities what THEY think about
"Thanks for coming, Snooki. What do you think about the gun control situation?"
"Glad you asked. Do you like my hair?"
"...Yes. It's very nice. Back to guns. What do you think should be done?"
"I have a blower dryer that I call my 'dry hair' gun, so I guess, sometimes I'm for them. But the bad kind? The bang bang kind? No."
have nothing against Snooki, but you don't ask her about world issues
when you yourself know about world issues! Ask her about dogs. Ask her
about tanning. Ask her about becoming a mom, or breaking nails, or
things to do with your hair or shoes! But DON'T ask her about the fiscal
This starts to explain why I do not
understand this man. Does he want us to think he's smart? Does he want
to be a cast member on a reality show? At night he's giving facts about
the poverty in the world, in the morning he's co-hosting with a cast
member of Jersey Shore, and telling us about a tanning salon they went
"We went tanning. We're friends. My tan didn't
take, but still, we had a good time. At one point, I squirted tanning
oil into Snooki's hair and she was all, 'No! Why would you do that
"Anderson! You're on your nighttime show! You are
patched in live with a Saudi prince and you are supposed to be
"You… went tanning? Is Snooki a talking beverage? I am a very busy Saudi prince. I have no time for this!"
"Sir, please! Would you like some Pringles?"
was, at one point, a host on a reality show. He used to host 'The
Mole'. USED to. Then he started telling us about the news, and actually
going to do something about it. You can't go back after that. You
stepped up. You can't go back! Cal Ripken can't get his old job back at a
"Holy hell! Cal Ripken! What are you doing here?"
"Hello. One, I'm here to buy gas. Two, are you hiring?"
"Hiring? Are you nuts? You're a millionaire!"
"Don't worry about me, all right, kid? I want my job back. I'm sure you've heard, I have a great record for showing up. I won't miss a day."
is the next career move for this man? A very serious news program.
Followed by a Rosie O'Donnell rip off from the 90s. Next? Maybe he'll
try to get on a 2 Chainz song.
"She got a big booty, so I call her big booty. 2 Chainz!"
in the building! I go in 360 degrees, that's called a circle. On my
daytime talk show, I act like Urkel. I've given aid to Africa, the
Middle East. And I've been on TV talking about cheese!"
Wait! You can't actually rhyme on this song. That ain't 2 Chainz. That's
2lames. This is swag rap. The idea here is to just look cool. You got
"Yo, 2 Chainz. I don't want to disturb you, but that last
sentence right there? Sounded tight as hell on the beat! You got
anymore of that fire?"
Anderson Cooper came out
last year and announced that he was gay. That is fantastic, but it
seems since that time that he has done some of the things that makes me
not understand him. That is around the time that he started to interview
dumb people about stupid things. Was straight Anderson Cooper the smart
one? Did he care more about using his brain? Then when he came out as
gay he decided that he needed to be a little less serious?
look. I just came out, okay? I can't be doing this 'save the world'
type of journalism all the time! I need to lighten up a little! Any
"You could wear more colorful ties?"
"I don't haaate it. Anything else?"
you could get people who really wanted to be in Ellen's audience but
couldn't to sit in front of you while you hand out Christmas trinkets?"
"Whoa! That's amazing! How can we get Ellen's audience leftovers, though? She's in LA."
you kidding? We're near Times Square. Go there and say, 'Who wants a
free t-shirt?!' All the women who scream, there's your audience."
then went to the daytime show and it was cancelled shortly thereafter.
How come? Could it possibly be because people who remember him from his
late show, and were fans, didn't necessarily want to see him on a show
where he is supposed to be the male version of Ellen? Nobody watches
Ellen and thinks the opposite for her.
"You know, I really
like her here. She's perfect! She's funny, charming, she dances. Makes
everyone happy. I would love to see her in Kosovo interviewing a child
who was just hit by a missile. Call me crazy, but I would love to see
And of course they don't want to see that!
We get pretty used to seeing people do what it is they do. Does anyone
want to see Charlie Rose doing cartwheels on daytime TV? Or James Lipton
doing wacky breakfast television games? We looking for Wolf Blitzer to
start judging America's Got Talent? This is neither good nor bad, but I
do not understand Anderson Cooper.