5 Reasons Piers Morgan Should Be President

Awhile ago, a petition was started to have Piers Morgan deported from America. One hundred thousand people signed it. Of course online petitions don't mean anything, but it's very telling. I would like to go the other way. Not only should he not be deported, he should be the President. Here are some reasons.

"5 Reasons Piers Morgan should be President of the United States"

1. Piers Morgan is not American. Americans hate the American ones.

People complain about every President that has ever been. What's the one thing all the Presidents of the United States have in common? Other than being men. They're all American. That's it. It used to be that they were all white. Not anymore. The one thing is that every single President of the United States has been American. And they have ALL been hated. Maybe some more than others, but every President has large groups of people that hate them. I guess we won't find out if it's because they're American until Piers Morgan is made President.

"It says here that he's American? I hate him already."

2. Piers Morgan is against guns.

That seems like it would be a bad thing in America. A President who was against guns in a nation that is for guns and will kill a President with a gun if he tries to take their guns? Not a good stance to take. Sure, but it's the right one. More guns means more shootings. Why? Because guns only function is too shoot and kill things. If more of them were around, more of that would happen. If every single person had a pen would more writing get done? Exactly. We'd all like to live in an old Western where women can be grabbed, racist comments can be made and card games are stopped because a rough and tumble doggie pulls his gun, resulting in everyone pulling their guns. Doesn't that sound great? Well, grab your time machine. It's not going to happen.

"Why do you need the Hello Kitty gun? Because the Hello Kitty gun doesn't shoot bullets. It shoots fun and entertainment for the whole family! ... Just kidding. This bitch'll kill you.... with bullets."

3. Piers Morgan has a television show. 

George Bush didn't have a television show. Neither did Barack Obama. We had to get to know them. Not the same with Piers. He has had a television show for the last three years. You know what you're getting. You're getting a man with an accent who likes to talk to people. It took eight years to figure out what you were getting from Bush, and we finally did: A man who does a great impression of Will Ferrel doing a great impression of him. Took four years until we found out that Barack is apparently Hitler. With Piers, day one, you know what's up. He's not Hitler. He's not doing a Will Ferrel impression. He's asking questions, with an accent.

"Can YOUR President sell meant cologne? ... Would you like him more if he did? ... I'm shirtless."

4. People say America has problems. Piers Morgan is from outside the problem.

If your car had a problem, how would you try to fix it? By sitting in the car and trying to reach through the windshield to the engine? No. By getting out of the car and taking a look. America is that car. Piers is that stranger outside of it who can take a look. Every other President has come from within the car. They've come from within the car and lo and behold, they can't fix the problems with it. A mechanic doesn't attack the transmission from the glove box. He attacks it from the outside. You get it.

"I'm going to will the car to stop smoking with my mind.... I think it's working."

5. Piers Morgan has an accent.
Some of the best Presidents of all time have had accents. Bill Clinton has an accent. John F. Kennedy had an accent. George Washington probably spoke with at least a lisp or cool whistle or something. You want a good President? Find one with an accent. Who has an accent? British people. Who is a British person? Piers Morgan. The world loves accents. How cool is it when Jason Statham talks? Now picture him not as cool and not able to fight. Still sweet, right? Exactly. Piers Morgan.

"I'll be the first British President! No, it's British. Not Australian. First rule I'll make is anyone who can't tell the difference is banned."

Canada doesn't know much about Canada either.

Canadians get mad at Americans for not knowing anything about us. Can we blame them? We don't care about our own things. Americans don't know anything about our politics, but we know all about theirs. How rude! The least they could do is find out who our Prime Minister is. Sure. But how many Canadians know ANYTHING about our Prime Ministers policies? Do most of us even care? Could a lot of Canadians point out exactly where Medicine Hat is on a map without much thought? I doubt it. And still, we'll get upset when Americans don't know these same things. It doesn't make sense.

Canadians know more about American politics than our own. Why? Because America is a show that Canada watches daily. Everyday, America is on Canadian television. People sit around and talk about what is happening in America. Some conversation happens about what's going on in Canada, but not NEARLY as much as talk about America. Canadians talk constantly about what is happening in America, but get upset when America doesn't know anything about Canada. We don't even spend much time talking about us. Why should anyone else do it?

Most Americans don't know where The Maritimes are, or how far Toronto and Vancouver really are from each other. So what? The Maritimes are a fantastic part of the world. Vancouver is a gorgeous city. Who cares if anyone knows anything about these places!? A lot of people do, and they love it! I don't know anything about Sweden. Pretty much nothing, and that doesn't change how Sweden is. Also, there are people in CANADA who don't know anything about The Maritimes. When I lived in Toronto, people said to me countless times, 'I've been out East. I went to Montreal.' Montreal is not 'out east'. There is a lot more east of that city, but some people in Toronto thought that past Montreal there was just fog. My old manager at a job I worked at said, 'You're from Nova Scotia? Doesn't everybody fuck their cousin out there?' That's people in the country not knowing anything about parts of it. People who are an hour flight away knowing nothing about a part of their own country, and we want another country to know things about it?

If countries were people, America would be Vince McMahon. America is the greatest promoter on the planet. It gets its name to every corner of the world constantly. It tells us this person or that person is the best singer? Then that's what we believe. And Canada hinges a lot on America for that type of thing. We don't big up our own people until America says they're cool, then we'll run right behind them and say, 'Did you know he's from Duck Latte, Saskatchewan? Well he is.' If Justin Bieber had not been discovered by Americans, he wouldn't be close to as big as he is now. Not even in Canada would he be big! Same as Drake. It took American's telling us that they are great to get us to say, 'Yeah! They are! And they're also Canadian!' If Justin Bieber had stayed in Canada he'd be a super talented person who worked during the day at a Roots store. He'd be singing at the grand opening of a mall, then walking into a store to fold shirts.

One reason Americans don't take our stuff seriously? We don't. CANADIANS make fun of Canadian television. CANADIANS. We make fun of our own stuff and we expect other people to pay attention to it? A lot of Canadians don't watch Canadian television simply because it's Canadian. That's it. Not because it's not good. Some Canadian shows have been great. But a lot of Canadians won't watch it simply because it was made in our country. Sometimes, if the same show had been made in America, Canadians would have loved it.
"Ah, god. I'm not watching a show called 'Canadians doing Canadian things'. This is terrible."
"Yeah. It's a weird show. It's about Canadians, but it was made in America."
"Huh. America, eh? I'll give it a shot."
Turn on a TV in Canada. What will you see? Even on Canadian Networks? About 95% of the programming is American shows. Of course we know about America and they don't know about us! We've been stalking them for years!

It's very strange that we want America's approval so bad. Why do we feel we have to be Americas little brother? Always watching what's America is doing, personally hurt when we find out that they don't care about what we are up to. Why does it have to be that way? Canada is an amazing place. It's a beautiful country that I'm happy to be from. Why does it matter whether or not America knows or care about what happens there? WE should care more about it! We should on our own!

America is not going to care about, or know anything about Canada probably ever. One reason is that in America, America is taught to love America. Fine. Other reason? Canada doesn't really care about what it's doing. If you don't care about something you're doing, nobody will. That is how things work. If you don't care about your appearance, nobody else will. If you don't care about something you've created, nobody else will. If you don't believe in what you're saying, people don't pay attention to you. Canada has to care about Canada before Americans will.

Why do we in Canada care what America knows about us? If you knew a bunch about someone in real life, and they didn't know anything about you, would you be mad? No. You'd continue to focus on what you are doing. Who cares what they know about you? It doesn't change anything. We all know a lot about Miley Cyrus. Anyone mad that she doesn't know anything about us?
"I know who Miley Cyrus's dad is, and I've seen her fallopian tubes, and she doesn't even know that I just got a promotion at work?! What a horrible person."
America is not a terrible place for not knowing about Canada. It is what it is. Canada is a beautiful place that should be more into what it is and what it's doing.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh

Strippers don't fully strip in America?

When I was growing up, I would see movies with strip clubs in them where strippers were only topless. I thought nothing of just seeing a topless stripper. I thought that was just the way that strip clubs were.

"A topless woman dancing in a thong, huh? I wonder if that's really how strip clubs are? What am I talking about?! I'm thirteen and stayed up until three in the morning to see this! This is great!"

The first time I went to a strip club I was eighteen and it was in Quebec City. These women were beyond naked. Naked to an insane degree. It was as if I was looking at an X-ray of them. So I figured that the strip clubs in movies and shows like The Sopranos were just for TV and movies. Then I went to a strip club in America, and found out that they exist. Topless-only strip clubs. I thought they were filming something.

"Whoa! Did we walk onto a movie set? Is De Niro in this one?"

"What? No. This is a strip club."

"Oh, I get you. You're reading lines. I'll just step over here. Hey, do you think I could get some background performer money?"

Strip clubs where strippers are only topless. Strip clubs where strippers half strip.

"There goes my bra. Ahh, I don't feel like taking off the rest. I've had a long day! I've been taking it off for hours. Here are tits and legs. Are you REALLY going to complain about this?"

Yes. Yes I am.

It's not that the vagina HAS to be seen; it's just disrespectful to everyone in the building to think that it cannot be dealt with. It's disrespectful to the men who are being told they couldn't contain themselves if one came out, and disrespectful to the women who own them. What are they saying? Something is wrong with it?

"I would like to be a stripper."

"Perfect. Get naked...whoa! Not FULLY naked. I just meant take your shirt off. Wow. You said you wanted to be a stripper, right? Not get a physical. Jesus. Put your pants on and get out. A vagina? With no warning? You just ruined my Tuesday, madam."

There's no reason that a vagina should not be seen in a strip club. Why would we not show them? Are these strippers' vaginas broken? Is that why they have to keep it hidden?

"Ladies and gentleman, due to a terrible 'doing the splits' accident last night that completely shattered her vagina in four places, Lexus's vagina will not be appearing tonight."

"Wow. Four places. I hope it's okay. Glad she didn't crack her breasts swinging on the pole. What would I watch if that happened? I mean, I have to dodge my wife somewhere."

Does a strip club that is just topless entertain anyone? Honestly. Just topless? Is this a grade eight dance? Is Brian McKnight playing?

"I think this girl made a great choice stripping to 'Back at One'. What a lovely song. I'm not going to get a lap dance from her. I'm going to ask her if she wants to slow dance."

A woman taking her top off is not a 'strip club'. It's a college dorm room on a Friday.

"Woooo! I'm taking my shirt off!"

"Oh, God! I thought this was college. I didn't know it was a strip club! Who do I give my money to? Do I have to pay a cover? I'm already inside."

In New Orleans during Mardi Gras, women take their shirts off for beads. Is New Orleans during Mardi Gras a strip club? An open concept strip club?

"You ever been to a strip club that has cars in it before?"

"Naw, it's pretty weird. Where are the strippers?"

"See that girl carrying her heels and throwing up into an Arby's bag?"

"Ah, God. That's terrible."

"Yeah, but it's free, man. Just offer her these beads."

"Whoa! Sweet!"

"Not while she's throwing up! Huh. He'll never make that mistake again."

The explanation I've heard as to why there are no vaginas shown is that 'if strippers took their panties off, men would grab them.' My Jesus, I can't even. I've been to many strip clubs in Canada, and they are almost the quietest places you can go to. Other than 2Chainz pounding, it's pretty silent. Nobody is touching girls. Nobody is even screaming. Men are not looking at strippers with their eyes popping out of their heads. It's men drinking, looking at naked women and barely talking. It's a library with tits.

"Hey, you are gorge..."

"Shhhhh!"

"Oh, sorry. I was just trying to pay you a compliment."

"Well, pay one the way everyone does in here. Look at her while she's dancing as if you are watching taxes being filed."

A lot of women who haven't gone to strip clubs think it's the Wild West in there. Men swinging from chandeliers, punching people, throwing drinks, grabbing women who are walking around. It's not like that at all. It's more like a lot of men paying attention. Men are just like kids. We have pretty short attention spans. You ever see a kid who's freaking out, wanting a toy or a bottle and when they get it they calm down? That's men seeing naked women. And at strip clubs, it's a constant stream of naked women, so we stay calm the whole time.

"Where's that stripper going? What's happening? I don't want to go back to my thoughts! Someone better get naked again in front of me right now or I'll... Oh. Here's another. Ahhhh. Almost started thinking about all of the mistakes I've made."

There are actually some strip clubs in America where women are completely naked, but in places that are all nude, you can't buy alcohol. No alcohol. In a strip club!

"Can I get a Coke? I'm about to get a lap dance, and I want to make sure my thirst is sufficiently quenched beforehand. Actually, do you have a Gatorade? I'm thinking the sight of her ass made me lose some electrolytes."

No alcohol in a strip club where women are naked? How does that make any sense?

"We've got a couple of rules here, but the most important is, if a vagina is out, lock up the booze. If booze is out, lock up the vagina! They cannot occupy the same space."

"What if a bottle of rum falls out of the cupboard when a vagina is out doing its vagina thing?"

"...Then God help us all."

Let's just figure this out here. Guns in America? Cool. Vagina at a STRIP CLUB? Not cool. Assault rifle under your kitchen table just incase an assassin jumps through your window while you are baking a quiche? Cool. A woman taking her clothes off fully at a STRIP CLUB. Not cool. I... don't... understand.

Twitter @nathanmacintosh